"Coupons" are not pronounced "cue-pawns". I don't care what anybody says.

So this weekend we did the traditional "father-daughter" Christmas shopping trip. Ever since we were little girls, my dad took us to Mamma Mia's to get pizza, then we would go to the mall to get my mom a Christmas gift. Now, far into our adulthood, we are still doing it. Although now it's more like a "Jesus CHRIST can we get a DRINK with our pizza?!" and "Can we make this quick? I've already shopped for everyone, which makes this unnecessary."

But yeah, I previously talked about my sister Sally and her godforsaken coupons. And how she has a binder of them. And how she buys things that she doesn't really need only because she has a coupon. For Chrissakes, Sally would buy DIAPERS if she had a coupon for them. Or ADULT diapers.

So I witnessed this first hand on our shopping trip. We were at Target, and Sally had a magazine and a book that she put up on the counter. Next thing I know, she has two packages of AA batteries that she throws up there too. (Side note: Sally is the ONLY person above the age of 10 that STILL gets distracted by the things that are put in that small section at the checkout while you're waiting in line.) So once she picks up these batteries, I give her a weird look and say "Are you SERIOUS?" She then says this to me: "Just watch, Jen. Just WATCH how I don't spend any money," and smiles like she's ten years old.

I guess it's much worse when she's at the grocery store. Because THEN she brings a STACK of coupons. I previously told her that speaking from experience, the cashier is going to "HATE her". She then assured me that "no, the girl likes me. She always asks me where I get my cuepawns". And here I am thinking, there is just no way that a cashier could like ANYONE with a stack of coupons that thick.

Anyway, on to the next sister.

I was going out somewhere with Lucy over the weekend, and I was trying to pick out music that we could listen to on our trip. So I looked at her CD collection, which is about 8 CDs.

This is what I found, from left to right:

1) Aly and AJ (two CDs) (otherwise known as the girls from the disney channel)
2) Dispatch (a somewhat cool band, although they suck kind of)
3) Norah Jones (.......yeah)
4) O.A.R. (This is the only one that's okay with me)
5) Frank Sinatra (cool guy, you might have heard of him)
6) Ben Harper (kind of a hippie)
7) Justin Timberlake (This man has no business in music. I used to be obsessed with him. Then I turned nine)

So as I was criticizing her music collection, I was drinking a beer (duh). As I left the room, I totally planned to come back, as I was just checking my phone. She didn't know that. So, apparently, she told me that she didn't know if I was going to come back to her room, and to answer her own question, she looked around to see if I left my beer in there. So this is what my life has come to. People wondering where I am and looking for my beer. "Is she coming back?" "Oh I don't know, is her beer in here?" As disappointing as it may sound, I'm kind of proud of this.


Anywhores.

-Jenny

"Well, I don't know. How would you hold an imaginary pipe?"

You know what's cooler than this? NOTHING. Santa, if you are reading this, please put this in my stocking. Because it would definitely fit. Just don't throw it down the chimney because it would get dirty.

So during a scary movie discussion with a co worker, The Grudge came up. Now, last time I saw the Grudge, I was 16 years old. And I never "saw" it because my eyes were closed the entire time. But nonetheless, it's pretty freggin scary. There are multiple explanations as of to why this movie is so frightening.

1) It was made by Japanese people. For some odd reason, the Japs are terrific horror movie makers. It's like they put the same amount of concentration in horror movies as they would math.

Maybe they are just trying to scare Godzilla away once and for all.

2) Most of the characters in the movie are in fact Japanese. For some reason, this scares me.

3) If the characters aren't Japanese, they are Sarah Michelle Gellar. Which rubs me the wrong way. (I could have been such a jerk and said "which rubs me the WONG way", but that would just be mean. As if everything I just said isn't mean at all.) But honestly, Sarah Michelle Gellar? Go back to having sex your brother in Cruel Intentions.

4) What's up with all the fucking hair?

5) Phones shouldn't ring right after they are smashed to pieces.

6) There is always going to be something hiding in your bed.

7) Going back to scary Japanese people. Boys who hide in closets and scream in a non-human way when you open the door?! Nuff said. During the whole movie I'm just screaming for this little Japanese boy to GO AWAY AND STOP SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE. Yes, we know you were murdered (woops, spoiler alert) and we know you're angry about it, but WHY AREN'T YOU HAUNTING GODZILLA?! He's the one you want! Leave Sarah Michelle Gellar alone! I know she's not Japanese and doesn't belong in this movie, but she's just a reporter!!! (Wait, was she? Or am I confusing this movie with The Ring?)

Anyway, I'm thinking about watching both of these movies, since I have technically not seen any of them. When I asked my co worker if he thinks I could make it through the movies, he said "no."

But anyway. Nothing is really new except for the fact that I walked straight into a wall this weekend. Without having any alcoholic beverages. And a few days before that I sat on my foot in a weird way, forgot that it fell asleep as I was sitting there, got up and almost fell right into my TV.

Well, I think I've trashed The Grudge enough, but I WILL watch them. During the day where nothing can hurt me. And then I will come back here and write a more descriptive post. Because once again, I have seen about 15 minutes of both movies combined.

-Jenny

Sally can't get band names right.

So this past weekend was pretty much a sister weekend. I want to start out this post with Friday night.

So, Sally and Lucy wanted to see Breaking Dawn, so of course, I wanted to go with them. Even though I'd already seen it twice. So we're on our way to the theater, and Lucy goes, "Oh! We forgot to make Cullen-tinis!" (FYI I have no idea what Cullen-tinis are). So we decide that we can just make them when we get home from the movie. Then Lucy says "although we don't have the stuff to make them..." and then I say "we can just make any drink Twilight related. Rum and Coke? You mean...Rum and CULLEN!"

So then we get to the theater and I notice that the same kid is working that worked when I bought my tickets for the midnight showing a few weeks ago. So as I am buying my ticket, he says "so how many times is this?" and I totally lie and say "oh just my second." Because seeing a movie twice isn't nearly as bad as seeing it three times. But I'm totally done, until it comes out on DVD. That is NOT a promise.

So for those of you who do not know, Sally is musically retarded. We have the exact same conversation every time a certain song comes on. Normally, when a song comes on, I usually bet Sally a different amount of money, depending on difficulty. I've offered her everywhere from 50 cents to 500 dollars to everything in my bank account. She has not answered one correctly yet.

So, this certain song has happened on more than one occasion. And that song is "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors. This exact same conversation has happened twice in the last two months.

Me: I'll give you everything in my bank account if you can tell me who sings this song.
Sally: Sublime???!!
Me: No. I'll give you another guess for 100 dollars.
Sally: Green Day?!

It was funny when it happened the first time, but when it happened a second time, I almost peed my pants. Which reminds me of another time when we were listening to that song by Lupe Fiasco. You know, the one where he used a Modest Mouse song because rap artists don't have enough talent to make their own songs. So Sally comes out with, "oh I know who normally sings this song. Mighty Mouse!"

This is also the girl who thought that the song "Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds To Mars was sung by Kings of Leon, because "they both have the word Kings in them".

During a conversation about favorite Christmas songs, Lucy asked me what mine was, and I replied with , "my favorite is Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Oh and Dominic the Donkey. Oh and you know I love that one with the whipping horses sounds in the middle." Thinking about how these are the top three songs that come to mind, I'm starting to wonder if there is something the matter with me. Then I stop myself from thinking such awful things and say "No Jen, there is DEFINITELY something the matter with you."

But I think I figured that out when I was a little girl and decided that I wanted to be a little boy instead. There's just something about a little girl demanding boy underwear from her mother at the department store that screams "problem child!" And also while getting a Happy Meal, when they used to ask if I wanted a girl toy or a boy toy, I would yell that I wanted a boy toy. It was like, "Screw that shit, I don't want a freggin barbie doll, I want the hot wheels!" But I've accepted the fact that I am not a boy, nor ever will be. And so I wear normal underwear now, just sayin.

PS. This is my husband.


-Jenny

Vampires and...sex?

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. BUT, I just had an interesting discussion with people I work with about a very important loophole in the Twilight series. And it is this: If Edward Cullen (no matter how sexy he is) is technically "dead" inside, how does his penis work? How can he have sex? To me, this is a very serious issue. I don't know how I haven't realized it before. If he has no blood flowing, then he can't...make it work. And NOT TO MENTION the fact that he got a human girl PREGNANT. So, your penis isn't even supposed to work and now it's shooting little demon tadpoles into her?! I'm sorry Stephenie Meyer, I know this is a work of fiction, but this is a serious loophole. You might want to think about how vampires' bodies are supposed to work before you write a worldwide phenomenon. Just sayin.

But other than that. Good job.


So Thanksgiving happened. Just like it does every year. I recently noticed one thing: The Kasianowicz's are goddamned crazy. That is all. And it's not just because my sister Sally STILL seems to believe that all the musical guests in the Macy's Day Parade really DO sing and DO NOT lip sync. I don't know if she's retarded or just blind, but when you're singing a song and your facial expressions are not matching up with the way it should be sung, you're full on Ashlee Simpson lip syncing.

When the party died down, Lucy and I watched Monte Carlo. Because what goes better with turkey than a good movie with Selena Gomez? Absolutely nothing. (BTW, Monte Carlo is another movie with a good amount of loose ends, but I'll get to that another time).

On Saturday night, we all gathered at Sally and Franklin's apartment and had a grand old time. One of my cousins reminded me of how I told her that girls that wear leggings as pants make me really angry. This was on the weekend of Sally's wedding in Martha's Vineyard. I said something like "yeah, girls that wear leggings as pants make me want to punch them in the face." and she said, "Jen, I wore leggings yesterday..." and after a long pause, I responded with "yeah, I wanted to punch you in the face." Then I tried to backtrack and say that "it's just not my style" and that "she made it look cool" but of course she wasn't buying it. I'm glad she wasn't because I totally didn't really think that.


-Jenny

"He swore at me this morning! And then I cried in the bathroom!"

Well it's been a while. Only because I simply have nothing funny to talk about. Haven't been up to much, just putting Purell on cat scratch wounds, having friends tell me they live off of an exit that doesn't exist, and catching a vegetable that I don't like in my mouth.

I also saw Breaking Dawn: Part 1 at midnight. I must say, it was pretty impressive. Nowhere near as good as the book, but whatever. Whatareyougonnado. But yeah, my mom and I went fully equipped with a water bottle of wine. Then we got nachos that we ate before the movie even started. Well, I ate them before the movie even started. At times like these, I think we are alcoholics. But then I tell myself, no, you are not.  And then people say, "Jen, stop talking to yourself". But I do often wonder: "Do other people sneak wine into movie theaters? Or is it just a Kasianowicz thing?"

Well, in other news, my sister Sally successfully offended every color, race, and religion today. All in a matter of about a minute.

She also played NHL 12 with us today. Her and I took on Linus and Franklin. Now, playing video games with Sally is quite humorous.

#1) She never knows who she is. Each player has a colored arrow over them, and I told her numerous times that she's "the yellow one", and I still hear about a million times, "where am I? Where am I?"
#2) When she has the puck, she NEVER knows it. She'll be carrying it up the ice and then just give it away. And then when she is actually aware that she has the puck, she'll start screaming "I got it! I got it! I got it" and by the time she gets all this out, the puck has already been taken away from her and they have scored a goal.
#3) Offsides. We explain them to her, she never gets it. She'll continue to say "I'll be waiting by the net!" Which of course, you cannot do.

No matter how lost Sally is during the game (a lot), we always seem to win. Which should make Linus and Franklin very disturbed.

Speaking of video games, Schroeder and I played a UFC game this morning, and let me tell you...there is NOTHING that says stress relief more than kicking the shit out of each other. You think punching and kicking each other is badass, then you learn how to ROUNDHOUSE kick, and it's all over. It cannot get any better than that. Chuck Norris would be proud. If he had any feelings.


-Jenny

Did people think you were a pedophile?

So it was a very interesting weekend. I have to say, the part where my dad had to PUSH my Volvo (bumper to bumper) to the junkyard was my least favorite. That was after it took its last wheezing breath and blew out a huge white cloud of smoke. If I do say so myself, it held on pretty long. But now that's over and I'm screwed. I only took my license plates and my key home with me =(. And now Volvo is going to be a pancake. But hey, it'll be a Swedish pancake. BAM!

My favorite part had to be the conversation between my dad and I. Since I didn't trust the Volvo enough to drive it to the junkyard, I made my dad drive it, while I followed in my mother's 1999 Chrysler Sebring. (As a side note, I used to make fun of Chrysler Sebrings all the time. #1-they're ugly as Hell. #2-they're dumb. Karma's a BITCH because now that's what I have to drive around in.) So anyway, when the car flatlined, my dad pulled over, and I pulled over behind him. He gets out, I get out- and he walks slowly over to me and says one word.

"Shit."

Then he proceeds to tell me that we are going to push it the rest of the way. I thought he was making a joke. He wasn't. He was all like "It's right up the road". It wasn't. We finally got it there and that was that. I felt like that kid in Fluke (?) when he was getting rid of the dog and he was like "Go on! GO! I don't WANT you anymore!" That's what I did once I literally rolled into the junkyard. I shouted at it and told it to get the hell away from me and that I didn't WANT it anymore. Of course, it didn't go anywhere. So I was the one that walked away.

But anyway. Onto something with a happier tone. Star Wars Laser Tag. With 7 year olds. Now, I don't mean to sound like I don't get out much, but being on Darth Vader's team and fighting alongside him, may be one of the greatest experiences ever. Jus sayin. Lucy thinks I'm weird because every time I'm asked who my favorite Star Wars character is, the answer is always a bad guy. Lucy asked me why I only like the guys from the Dark Side, and the answer is simple. You're SUPPOSED to like the good guys. How boring is that? Like "Oh who's your favorite character from Star Wars?" "Luke Skywalker". Oh yeah, that's refreshing. You're totally NOT like everybody else in the world.

The two teams were Darth Vader's team or the Stormtroopers team. I must say, it was quite frightening to see the Stormtrooper come around the corner and walk straight towards you, pointing a gun at you.

Maybe it wasn't this legit. But you get the picture. It's just something about their helmets. They look so angry. Or constipated. I'm not sure why I was kind of frightened by this, because the person inside is probably about 15 years old and has a pimply face.

When I got home, Linus was asking me if I "went easy on the kids". I, of course, replied with "HELL no." I was gunning down everyone I could find. I'm not trying to sound almighty, because I got hit A LOT. (especially by the Stormtrooper, I think he had it out for me). Or maybe it was just because I was such a big target, size wise. I'm 23 years old and I'm playing with all these little munchkins. Too bad I'm not Alice in Wonderland, because I could have just drank a potion to shrink before I played.

Oh yeah, and my cousin, who was on my team, shot me because "she was bored".

-Jenny

Everybody in Twilight has a problem.

I love the Twilight series, as most of you probably know. In preparation for the new movie coming out, I've decided to read the book. Having read it 2-3 times before (shut up), this is simply just a brush-up. But the more I read it, the more things I'm noticing about the characters. For one, Bella is a WHORE! (In addition to my rant about Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror, I guess this week is all about discovering sluts). But anyway. Obviously Bella loves Edward. Anybody in the world knows this. She doesn't only love him, but he's like her reason for living. And he feels the same way about her. However, whenever Jacob comes around, she's like a little school girl. She loves him, but she says "she loves Edward more". Psh. If I was Edward, I'd be all like "Oh thanks a lot, bitch. You love this godforsaken werewolf but you love me just a TAD bit more?" So then blah blah blah the books go on and in the third book, (SPOILER ALERT!) Edward proposes to her in the sweetest godddamn way, and she says yes. Of course, because A) LOOK AT HIM. and B) she's obsessed with him. Not 48 hours later, she plays tonsil hockey with Jacob. Now, if I had Edward as my husband, you bet your ass I wouldn't be running off to make out with a stupid Indian.

Which brings me to my next point. Jacob is annoying as HELL.

Bella makes it clear from halfway through the second book that she doesn't WANT Jacob. That she only sees him as a friend. That she wants Edward and she wants Edward forever. What does Jacob think about all this? "Oh, I think she means she loves me. I'll hang around and always get in the way, then. That's obviously what to do here."

But apparently he was annoying enough because she makes out with him. Gross. I mean, how does he have all this free time to be a homewrecker? Doesn't he have some sort of Casino called "Big Geronimos" or something like that to get back to?

Anyway, my problems with Edward. OH WAIT, there are none.

Halloween was fun.

And look, I have an old man pumpkin and a ninja pumpkin.

And this is a very creepy man.

It's funny because I watched Franklin and Linus set this guy up on the porch, and EVERY TIME I opened the door and saw it, I got frightened. Hah, his legs look like pancakes.

-Jenny

Rocky Horror: Everybody is a Slut.

So, in the spirit of Halloween (no pun intended), I decided to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. First of all, wicked good movie. Second of all, Tim Curry is absolutely hilarious. Third of all, Susan Sarandon is a wicked Hussie. And lastly, the "Time Warp" is probably the most "get stuck in your head forever" song I've ever heard. 

So I won't talk about it in too much detail, but I just noticed something when I was watching it the other night. The basic outline of the movie is that Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick are young lovers who somehow stumble into a castle of transvestites. If that last sentence didn't make you laugh, I'm mad at you. 

So, anyway. They get freaked out when all these misfit freakazoids break out into song and dance every two seconds, and then when Tim Curry murders Meat Loaf (hey, somebody's got to), they want to leave. But can they?! NO! When can you ever get away from singing and dancing transvestites from Transylvania? That's just unheard of. 

Moving on, blah blah blah Tim Curry pretty much thinks he's Frankenstein and just creates a man out of thin air. This man is obviously Rocky, and he is a beefcake of a man who is subjected to only wearing this gold speedo. First of all, Susan and Barry are forced to sleep in different beds in different rooms. To make a long story short, Tim Curry pretty much rapes them both. But when he goes into Susan Sarandon's room, he pretends to be her love, Barry Bostwick. When she finds out it's not Barry and is in fact Tim Curry, she puts up a little pitiful fight, and then lets him do whatever he wants. So here, a normal person would be like "Oh my god, she just cheated on her boyfriend!" Then what does she do two minutes later? She screws Rocky too. 

Here Rocky is, a newly made man, and he doesn't know what the Christ is going on. For God's sake, he doesn't even know how to talk. So as Susan Sarandon is seducing him, she is singing "Touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touch me! I want to be dirty!" Which just makes me think that Susan is a wicked whore. If I heard any girl say that, I would touch their face with my fist. Then I'd shove their face in the mud or something. 

Then Barry Bostwick finds out and he's like "eh, women right? what are you gonna do." 

Whatever, despite the fact that Susan Sarandon is a slut, I love this movie. 

I thought of a random memory today while I was at work. It has nothing to do with Rocky Horror. This past summer, while we were in Martha's Vineyard, we were talking about how bartenders do this thing where you put Bacardi Limon in the long neck of a Corona. We were saying how cool of an idea this was. It wasn't until later that Franklin and Schroeder told me that my dad walked out to them on the deck (it was late morning) and had a Corona in his hand. Then he says to them, "Yeah I put McGuilicuddy's in the neck. Pretty good." To which they just started laughing at him. Because honestly, how AWFUL that must have tasted. A MINT schnapps mixed with a CORONA. I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Leave it up to my dad to mix anything with anything. That man would mix tomato juice with rum. 

-Jenny

Paranormal Activity 3: This isn't funny anymore.

So yes, I went and saw Paranormal Activity 3. And yes, I drank a little bit beforehand. But it didn't work because I was still scared out of my mind. As you have already heard, it's about two little girls and a whole lotta issues.

Now, I agree that the first one was a tad bit scary. But honestly, for the most part, it's only doors opening and closing by themselves, shadows on the door, and big bangs all over the house. Don't get me wrong, these things can be scary. I just didn't really think so. The second one was a huge piece of crap. What did they make it in? Half a week? I honestly could have made a better one with my Panasonic camcorder. Screw it, I could have made a better one with glue and popsicle sticks. Pretty much all that happened in the second one was that the pool cleaner mysteriously kept coming out of the pool overnight. I mean whoa, talk about getting the "willies" as my mom would say.

So I honestly didn't think the third one would be all that scary. I had heard that the last 15 minutes will "mess you up for life" as the critics said, but still I didn't believe it. Boy was I wrong.

Not only are the last 15 minutes scary as Hell, but the whole movie really. It was slow starting like the previous ones, but even the little things that were happening were terrifying. It was like something was going on at all times, whether it was one of the little girls running around in the middle of the night, the blankets moving, or of course, when they play "bloody mary". Then you know, the more extreme stuff, like when everything in the room (including the girls) get swept across the floor in one direction. It's like wow, this demon LOVES dragging you guys everywhere. In EVERY movie, they get dragged! The demon's like a mother with her child in a grocery store. He's all like "THIS again? I said you couldn't get a candy bar! Oh you're going to cry? Let's GO!" Of course I guess it's more violent than that, but you get the picture.

Anyway, these are the two girls when they were kids. They both turn out to be creeps, but the one on the left is CLEARLY freaky looking. LOOK AT HER! She's all like, "Hi I'm friends with the demon, he tells me to do things and I do them." I mean honestly! If looks could kill, we would all be dead right now.

So as the movie is nearing its end, it's obviously getting rather frightening. You know, I wasn't closing my eyes, but I was doing the "spiderweb fingers" to make the screen smaller. People around us in the theater were legit SCREAMING. But anyway, I had an issue with the girls that I would like to discuss.

Okay, for those of you who are pussies and haven't seen any of the movies, the first one is about Katie. Second one is about her sister, Kristy. This one was about the both of them when they were kids. Get it? Okay. So here's my beef.

If this shit was happening when you guys were THIS young, and you had similar experiences throughout your childhood/adolescence, how do you guys have boyfriends/families? I mean seriously, if you knew that you had a demon following you, why would you drag (no pun intended) other people down with you? If I started living with my boyfriend and then all this shit started happening because he had a demon following him that he neglected to tell me about earlier, I would be PISSED. "You mean to tell me that THAT DOOR is MOVING SLIGHTLY because you brought a DEMON with you?!" I'm not saying that their lives should have ended because they had a demon following them since they were little girls, I'm just saying they needed to be put in some kind of institute. With padded walls. And muzzles. And a straitjacket.

Anyway, that's all I can really say without totally giving away the ending. But I've seen the whole "audience reaction" videos, and let me say, it's not that scary. I do not deal well with scary movies, don't get me wrong, but the people in these videos look like they are two seconds from death.

Girls, I understand. But some of the guys are like yelling and screaming, and I'm like "dude, it's okay to be scared, but screaming? Really?" It's like they are watching somebody with 10 inch fingernails scratch a blackboard. Like if these guys were on a date, forget getting any action because when you drop that girl off at home, she's not going to want ANYTHING to do with you because you were screaming louder than she was. Just sayin.

-Jenny

It's not her fault, she has sailboat pj's on.

So this weekend was the big wedding reception. And may I say, it was a good one. There was dancing, drinking (a lot of it), speeches, and of course, people thrown in the pool.

Let's start with the stories. Now, Schroeder and I prepared speeches to give at this reception. Like, we wrote something down from the depths of our hearts on a piece of paper. My cousin, on the other hand, did not prepare anything. I'm not saying that she's a deadbeat, I'm just saying that she was very ill prepared. So when everybody was eating, Schroeder and I gave her so much shit for not writing a speech, that she freaked out and decided to write one real quick. So, she started writing it on sticky notes. She said the sticky notes were all that she could find, and I guess I could have told her where some legit paper was (the party being at my own house and all), but I decided it would be way more fun to watch her struggle with about a million little sticky notes.

When somebody finally gave her an actual  piece of paper to write this jibberish on, she finished quite quickly. Then she kept saying that she was nervous and demanded me to get her a shot. First of all, why are you nervous? Half of these people are your family and/or you know them. Second of all, maybe you're nervous because you wrote this 10 minutes before we gave them? Third of all, you SHOULD be nervous because you looked for my DAD'S advice on what to say in your speech. Which, as everybody knows, is ill advised.

So they all came out good, got a few laughs where they were supposed to be (and some where they weren't supposed to be). After that was all done, we got into some comfy clothes and danced the night away.

Notice how Schroeder's dance movements do not match up with the song at all. I can't really talk, because people think I'm having a seizure when I bust out my dance moves.

However, when darkness fell and the party was still going strong, some interesting things happened. Some, I will not discuss. Schroeder, apparently was a little tipsy and fell. I did not see this unfortunately, but my sister Sally said that she saw him take his white shirt off, throw it on the ground, and "flip it off". Classic Schroeder. The next morning, this is how a conversation went between him and my mom, Woodstock.

Woodstock: Um, I found your shirt this morning OUTSIDE with a bunch of grass stains on it.
Schroeder: Yeah, that's because I fell.
Woodstock: You fell?!
Schroeder: Yeah, how else did you think it got grass stains on it?
Woodstock: Is that why you're so sore today?
Schroeder: No, I'm sore because I fell on the deck two hours later.

Another thing that happened was that all the boys went in the pool. Which I can't even stand to think about because A) It's October and it's night time and it's freakin cold. And B) THE POOL IS COLD. It was very funny to watch, until something very bad happened.

My now brother-in-law Franklin picked my cousin up and went to PRETEND throw her in, and as he was going to set her back down, my other cousin pushed her in. I felt so bad, but she wasn't too upset. She'd probably get mad at me for saying this, but maybe it was karma getting her for not writing a speech. OR maybe it's karma for when she unplugged MY iPod during an awesome song to plug hers in and play MILEY CYRUS. HAH. Anyway, it's times like these where I'm glad I have a pump attached to me. Although sometimes I don't think they care......

As if she hadn't done enough, she spilled her coffee all over me the next morning. Then I said, "I bet you're one of those people that when they're holding a drink and are asked what time it is, they look at their watch and spill it out". I was unaware that she was mid sip when I said this, needless to say she started laughing and proceeded to spit her coffee out at me.

Then I told her to get away from me. Haha. But really. I did.

-Jenny

Soap Operas: the guide to what you already know.

So I have nothing really to write about. So I figured I'd just talk about teen soap operas.

The only experience I really have with teen soap operas is The O.C. Which is a phenomenal show, and if you don't think so, you can get the hell out. I know it only lasted four seasons, but I own all four on DVD, and I was heartbroken when it ended. This show made me laugh, made me cry (a lot), but most of all, it made me wish I was part of their group. Which just hints at the fact that I may be looney toons.

During my years of watching The O.C., I've noticed many things. Not just about the show, but about all teen soap operas. Although I haven't really seen any other show, I've come to the conclusion that they're all the same. You know, they all have different story lines, but the same events happened. Such as One Tree Hill. Have I ever seen more than five minutes of any episode of One Tree Hill? Absolutely not. Do I think that the same shit happens in One Tree Hill as The O.C.? You bet your ass I do.

First things first...

1)There's always a goddamned gun. It seems throughout however many seasons there are of the show, every character has a gun at one point. Like, one just always seems to drop in their hands. "Oh which episode is this?" "Oh it's the one with the gun." Yeah, that narrows it down to about 100 different episodes it could be. Which leads right into my second point quite perfectly.

2) SOMEBODY ALWAYS GETS SHOT. But here's the thing. Once somebody gets shot in any teen soap, they DON'T die. They only get shot to make you THINK they are going to die. Then you wait until the next episode, and they're like, "Oh, I'm fine. Fooled you though, right?" Maybe if these crazy teenagers would pay attention to their schoolwork, they wouldn't always be shooting each other with guns that seem to fall from the sky.

3) The characters all sleep with each other at some point. They change partners more than they change their underwear. I don't know if they just get bored with each other, or the fact that every character on the show is incredibly hot that they can't help themselves. But it's like, you probably have diseases.

4) There will always be at least ONE pregnancy. It's just inevitable. I mean, it's kind of expected because of all the hooking up that's going on.

5) The characters have GOT to get some locks on their doors. Either that or people need to stop busting through doors like the place is on fire. If the house isn't yours, you shouldn't be busting through doors like that. And it's always the worst timing ever. "Oh! I realized that I love him/her! I'm NOT going to call them before I head over there and tell them!" And then they bust through their door and they are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS making out/having sexual intercourse with someone else. It's like, honestly, throw a lock on that door if you're going to do something that involves taking your clothes off.

Finally...

6) One of the main characters has to die. I'm not a fan of this particular element of teen soaps. I only say that because in The O.C., they killed off Marissa. Or Mischa Barton. Poor thing, she dies in The Sixth Sense too.

 When I saw the O.C. episode, I legit fell into a deep depression. I can't watch it to this day without crying my eyes out. Like I said, I've never seen any other of the teen soap operas, but I'm pretty sure all of them kill off a rather important character. At least one, if not more.

Nothing makes me sad like this does. STUPID TEEN SOAP OPERAS!


That photo of her in The Sixth Sense is actually really friggin scary. I'm going to delete it off my computer at once.

-Jenny.

Is there a back door to this place?! I don't like using the front door.

So. Twas the wedding this weekend. It was perfect and lovely. However, back at the bed and breakfast we had some difficulty. We lost the keys to our room and had to have the guy drive there and let us in, (to which we realized we had them the whole time), and also, got yelled at by the same guy because another renter said that we were being too loud. Now, I have somewhat of a problem with this.

1) My sister just got MARRIED. We're going to party it up and we're going to be loud. Maybe this person should have done a little dance and shimmied the gigantic stick up their ass out, or maybe should have just come out and had a drink with us.
2) It was 10:15 pm! Honestly, I know this person probably had dinner at 4:30 and took a nap right after, but 10:15 is not late at all. Not late enough to be complaining about.
3) TAKE YOUR HEARING AID OUT. Maybe that will help the noise go away you old piece of dust!

But of course that didn't ruin our night.

At the actual ceremony at the lighthouse, it was a very nice day. However, it was rather windy. I might even say...blustery. So at the end, when we were toasting champagne and taking pictures, the gusts were so big, they were pushing us and knocking us off balance. (I can only imagine how some of these pictures came out). So my poor little 9 year old cousin, who probably weighs as much as a jelly bean, almost actually blew over at some points. To which I did the only reasonable thing. I said, "I bet if you stuck out your arms at the next gust, you'd fly away!" and then I spread myself out saying "I'll catch you if you do!"

She laughed, but you could tell that she wished that we would just stop being related.

Anyway, on the way home, Lucy asked me what my favorite part of the weekend was. And of course, I said, the ceremony. But then after thinking, I had a second favorite part: Drinking out of a flask right after the ceremony on the way to the restaurant with Lucy and my cousin. We did this in the back seat of the car, having my father in the front seat and Sally in the passenger seat. This is funny because they never even realized and also because we never offered any to Sally, the bride.

This is how Lucy plans to dance at the reception this weekend.

Last night, I shared a room with Lucy, my cousin, and Schroeder in the Vineyard. There were only two beds. So, Lucy and my cousin made Schroeder and I share a bed. We've been friends since birth, so it seemed reasonable. But we have never slept in the same bed before, and I think this picture pretty much sums it up.

Now, there are many things wrong with this picture. I think the most noticeable thing is the fact that Schroeder looks like he just got bum raped. He looks extremely scared. Not a little scared, but like, "I see dead people" scared. Like Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense.

But yeah, we slept ass to ass all night, and he woke me up in the morning with a loud fart.

It was a lovely weekend, I loved every minute of it. Nobody blew off the cliff, everybody looked amazing, and Sally and Franklin are extremely happy.


And oh yeah, the cleaning lady saw my mother completely naked.

-Jenny.

A poem for you! It is called "You Remind Me Of Winter".

You remind me of winter

When everything made sense.

I liked it better then

Things didn’t melt then.

You remind me of winter

Where the silence of the snowfall was enough.

Drifting in the streetlight

Or resting lightly on your eyelashes

And we could make snowballs that were bigger than our hearts,

Because we didn’t know what our eyes were saying.

You remind me of winter

Where there were no birds,

But songs of fire, to help you sleep.

Because you weren’t. And I tried because I couldn’t

And never could.

You remind me of winter

The place that I can’t go back to.

-Jenny

"I want to swing off a rope into a lake at some point in my life. Yes, my bucket list is very pathetic."

There were a few things from the bachelorette weekend that I neglected to mention. I didn't want to write about them, but when Sally read the last post, she said "after that whole weekend, the WINE TASTING is the only thing you talked about?" So, I'll tell a few stories.

When we were out dancing, everybody had a blast. We made Sally go up on this balcony that they had, overlooking the entire club. Where everybody watches you as well. Lucy and I were just going to watch, but the bouncer with dreadlocks made us go up there too. The funny thing was, before you went up the ladder, he had us dance for him, to show him "what we got." I, of course, don't have SHIT when it comes to dancing. If dancing means looking like you have to pee/you have a spider on you/you just saw your parents having sex, then I rule at dancing. So when he was asking me to show him my dance moves, I made a joke of it and I went into what looked like a seizure. So then he starts saying "no, slower! slower!" which I did, but then was instantly ashamed of myself because I felt like a whore. And not like a high class whore. Like one of those bad whores. I mean, I still had my entire body covered with my jeans and my plaid shirt, but I still felt it. Sometimes you just can't cover those things up.

So I think after a few minutes he just gave up on me, so I climbed the ladder to join Lucy, Sally, and our cousin on the balcony. Not only did I continue to dance like my retarded self (I totally went against the bouncer's suggestions on slow dirty dancing), but now we were on display for everyone to see. I think a minute passed when Lucy and I decided to get down, so the bouncer was at the bottom of this five step latter type thing. I saw him help her down, holding her arm and stuff, but when I started to come down the ladder, for some reason, he totally just puts his arms under my armpits and carries me down. I don't really know why, because I was making it on my own just fine. I could understand if I was practically falling down the latter, but I wasn't. Maybe he was just trying to play "guess her weight." His answer was probably "a lot."

It's also funny because after we got down from the balcony, we watched as other girls went up there throughout the night. At one point, Lucy and I decided to be funny and yell back and forth to each other, "look at those sluts! What kind of girl goes up there to dance?!"

But this is all coming from the group of four girls who are touching each other's boobs on purpose. Like it was some sort of dance move.

It wasn't until we left the club and my cousin fell in the street that I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I feel like we are characters on the Jersey Shore." Which, for you folks that live in a cave, is NOT a good thing. It's actually quite a bad thing.

Anyway, moving on. Last night Schroeder and I went to Sally's apartment, drank her beer, made her watch Paranormal Activity 2, then left her there at around 10:30. By herself. Among her pleas for us to stay. I'm not saying we're assholes but...yeah.


-Jenny

You just ordered SQUID.

So we had Sally's bachelorette weekend in Newport. And it was very fun. One thing I'd like to discuss is something that happened during out wine tasting.

Now, for those that don't know me all that well, which is pretty much none of you, I'd like to put it on the record that I am a beer drinker. This is obvious. However, I do drink wine from time to time. Just white though. Red wine tastes like licking rubber.

So at this wine tasting, you were to choose five different wines that you wanted to taste. Easy enough. I found that on the table were oyster crackers and a big vase of water. The crackers were to try your wine with, and I wasn't really sure about the water. So the wine tasting goes on, and we are going onto our second glass of wine. So Lucy and Sally take the water container and pour a little bit into their glass. I, of course, follow suit, and say "oh, for cleansing the pallet, right?" to which they didn't really reply to. Maybe they thought I was kidding.

I obviously didn't see what they were doing, so I just poured some water into my glass, drank it, swished it around like Listerine, and dumped the rest of it out into the designated bucket. I saw nothing wrong with this.

As the tasting went on, I looked around. To my surprise, I saw everyone pouring water into their glass, swishing it around, and dumping it out into the designated bucket. I thought maybe that just that one couple that maybe felt like not drinking it, and so I looked to the next couple. To my dismay, they did the same thing. They weren't drinking the water at all! It was here that I put the puzzle pieces together. The water wasn't for cleaning your mouth, it was for cleaning the glass.

I am a beer drinker. I am not a wine expert. I have no idea what the Christ you do with the water at a wine tasting. Now I do. You do not drink it.

But anyways. We were driving down to Newport and I noticed a sign about littering. I see these all the time, but I never stopped to think about it. It says some shit like "Littering: fines $500-$2,000." I couldn't help but laugh out loud because I was trying to distinguish the difference between a $500 fine and a $2,000 fine. And I only came to this conclusion. If you throw a McDonald's cup out the window, you get fined a low amount. However, the day you throw a COUCH out the window, that's when you pay a couple G's. Although I have no idea who would throw a couch out the window. Maybe someone was like, "my cheating WHORE of a GIRLFRIEND cheated on me on THIS couch!" and then heaves it out the window while they're driving on the freeway. But then realizes shortly after, "aw damn. Now I've got nothing to sit on when I watch 'The Price is Right'". But by then the cops have already caught them and fined them $2,000.

Speaking of retards. I was at the mall in Taunton a few weeks ago (I know, big mistake) and I saw a group of four girls in the food court. And they were wearing onesies. All four of them. This brings up many questions on my part:

1) Excuse me, tweenies. Shouldn't you be in school!?
2) Why the CHRIST are you all wearing onesies? It's cute when you wear them to bed, but when you wear them to the mall, you're a DUMBASS.
3) Don't you guys know that spells "w-h-i-t-e-t-r-a-s-h"?
4) Do you really need onesies to eat lunch?
and finally...
5) Why the fuck are you looking at me and laughing? I'm not the one that is dressed in children's pajamas at the goddamned MALL.

I seriously don't know which one's worse, Taunton or Carver. They both involve people that look like they just came out of the sewers. Freakin Garbage Pail Kids.

Goodnight.
-Jenny

"The Roommate"-a joke?

So yes, once again, I saw a movie that was supposed to be scary and I ended up laughing at it. Now, this one wasn't as dumb as "Jennifer's Body," (I don't think anything will ever be), but it was cutting it kind of close. So, of course I'm going to complain about it, because that is what I do.

First of all, let's get these names out of the way. Seeing as how the two main actresses have pain in the ass names, I'm going to give them initials, because Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly are too much work for my typing fingers.

So yes. Minka Kelly. MK.

She moves into college and finds out that her roommate hasn't gotten there yet. So she goes out with her new friends. And when she comes back drunk, she finds this in her room. And this girl would be Leighton Meester. LM.

So not only does LM look JUST LIKE MK (but a smidge less attractive), but they are both so nice. And MK is all like "oh wow, she is just so nice, she's definitely not going to threaten and or kill everyone I like or even talk to." WRONG. LM begins to develop an unhealthy, some might even say psychotic obsession with MK. I mean, yeah, she's pretty, but come on, cut the cord. LM just has this disorder where she wants her friends to only talk and pay attention to her.

Anyway. Moving on. Let's get into the details, shall we?

It starts off nice. They get along great. Even though MK likes to go to the clubs and LM is like "oh no you go ahead, clubs aren't really my thing. I'm too busy killing people that do so much as look at you." And MK is all like, "Okay, don't wait up."

So then LM starts to act kinda weird. I mean, MK's friend that she made the first night was taking a shower and LM just goes in there and rips out her belly button ring. She obviously means business. If that doesn't say "DON'T TALK TO MINKA", I don't know what will.

So I'm watching it and the first time I said, "Hmm, there's something wrong with Leighton Meester" is when she's going out to a show with MK and MK gives her these earrings to wear. This is a big deal to LM because of her hardcore girl crush. So MK goes to the bathroom and this is where LM looks in the mirror and notices "oh shit, I don't have my ears pierced." But she's obsessed with MK. What does she do? SHE STICKS THE EARRINGS IN HER GODDAMMED EAR! Just because they were Minka's!

I must say that I felt kind of bad for her throughout the movie. I know she had major issues and she was killing people and she was a psychotic sicko. BUT. She took MK home for Thanksgiving and they ran into an old "friend" of LM's. I put "friend" in quotation marks because it was obvious that this girl was LM's latest victim. But LM had the nerve to go up to her and introduce MK to her, and the girl says "Leighton, we were never friends." And I felt so bad. Then when they get back to the house, LM's mom is all like "has she been taking her medications?" which should have been somewhat of a red flag for MK. Just sayin. SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT TAKING HER MEDICATIONS IF SHE'S MURDERING PEOPLE. Or if she is, that is SOME medication.

This is what LM does at gas stations. That is a zippo lighter. As a normal person would know, these two things do not go together.

The other major offense was that MK was showing LM in the beginning of the movie her tattoo. It was the name of her sister that died, Emily. She had it over her heart. MK made it clear from the BEGINNING that her dead sister was a sore subject. OBVI. What does LM do in the middle of the movie? She goes and gets a matching tattoo of MK's. THEN! If that wasn't enough, LM says "You can call me Emily." WHAT A FREAK!

Anyway, that was it for MK. She moves out.

(BTW. I forgot to mention this earlier. LM puts a cute kitten in the washing machine. A KITTEN IN A WASHING MACHINE. I cried.)

So anyway, blah blah blah, Leighton's crazy, blah blah blah. The ending was dumb. To make a long story short, LM gets punched right in the mouth by MK's boyfriend. Then, MK freaking STABS her in the back with (you're not going to believe this) a BOXCUTTER. I had no idea they were Mexicans at this point. Then SPOILER ALERT! LM dies.

Now, I might be stupid. But, if you were stabbed in the back with a boxcutter, would you really die? I mean, it would hurt, I get that. But, it takes a lot to kill someone, and I don't think a boxcut wound would really finish you off. Maybe what killed her was the boyfriend's "I forgot about the hitting women rule" punch to the mouth, pretty much knocking her teeth to her intestines. I mean, guy, I know she's kicking the shit out of your girlfriend, but you can't hit women. You could have given her a papercut or something. Or a splinter. See, there are alternatives.

But the thing that bothered me was that right as MK stabbed her, she looked in her eyes and said "I was NEVER your friend." Which is exactly what the other girl said. And it's like, dude, you're already stabbing her with a boxcutter, why kick someone while they're down? LM already knows that she's (excuse my language) fucked up, why would you say that to her? MAYBE that's why she died! A BROKEN HEART! Because honestly, it was NOT the goddamned boxcutter wound.


Then the end of the movie is MK living by herself. Because she "doesn't want a roommate." Hmph. Snob.

I still can't believe how much they look alike.

It's like, "oh we look alike, I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU."

All in all. It was okay.

If you think you deserve it, get it.

My sister Lucy just said that she thinks our cat is on Crack. Which might be true. Ever since she had these special treats my mom gave her, she's been acting strange. I think sometime soon I'm going to fill her bowl up with beer. Tell her it's milk. See what happens.

How awesome would it be if someone asked you "Hey, what are you up to?" and you could reply with "Oh, just drinking with my cat."

So I spent Saturday night on the roof with my best friend Schroeder and my sister Sally. Her new place has a window with a slanted roof, and I've always wanted to hang out on a roof seeing as how our dumb house doesn't provide that. So after many many beers, we went out there and sat. Sally kept worrying when we would get up and walk around, because the roof was kind of very slanted. But nobody got hurt of course. We just had deep conversations and crumpled up our beer cans when we were done with them, saying "I bet I can make it to the woods" and then pretty much not making it past the parking lot. Then saying "Oh man we really need to go get those" and then never getting them.

I blame my mother for showing us how to get onto the roof. When we were helping Sally move in, Schroeder and I noticed that we could sit on the roof someday. So we asked my mom "Hey, how do you take off screens?" and she said "Why?" and we said "Oh, no reason." And then she showed us. Now, she knows what kind of people we are. There is no way she didn't know what we were trying to do. But she just chose to ignore the obvious suspicion and demonstrate how to take off the screen. "Oh, you just press these two things and pop it out." Silly.

It was funny today because I made an appointment to get my windshield replaced tomorrow and before we hung up the phone she said "Okay, so September 27th at 10 am." and I got really confused because I was all like "wait, she said the 27th?! I didn't make it for next week, I made it for tomorrow." Then I realized that yes, tomorrow is the 27th. And I am the retard who thought it was September 21. That's what happens when you're so busy.

That was sarcasm. To the highest degree.

I don't understand Rob Dyrdek's new show "Ridiculousness". I think he is a really funny guy, like on the Fantasy Factory and whatnot. But he is NOT funny on this new show. And I don't even think the videos he shows are that funny either. And I don't think the people he has on the show are that funny. Every element about this show is just NOT FUNNY. And he thinks he is too! That's the worst part. Somebody on the video will fall while skateboarding, and Rob will be all like "Oh, that looked painful! Look at his pain face!" and it's like, that's not funny. If you had said like "Whoa he fell so hard his asshole is where his FACE should be!" THEN, maybe that would be considered funny. But what do I know. Not much.

Anyway, I think everybody should listen to the song "Open Your Eyes" by The Chemical Brothers. Did I already suggest that? I may have already suggested that.

-Jenny

Getting fired and getting a cold. Living the dream.

So the last post I did was about Megan Fox, so for some reason, I feel like this blog should be better by default. And maybe more intelligent. Because every time I LOOK at Megan Fox (nevermind writing about her), I feel 30% dumber. I feel like I have to read a book by Faulkner or Shakespeare or something to redeem myself.


So we helped my sister Sally move into her new apartment, and the funniest thing that happened is when she met her neighbors. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was carrying an 18 pack of Bud Light from her car when they spotted her and struck up a conversation. Sally is one of those people that thinks that if someone sees her with any sort of alcohol, they think she's a bad egg. She'll be hesitant about getting a glass of wine out at dinner in case she sees someone she knows from school. Yeah, because if someone sees you having a glass of wine with dinner, they're going to never speak to you again. She makes it seem like people are going to tar and feather her and make her run through the streets like that if she was caught with an innocent glass of wine.

But anyway, yeah. She met her new neighbors with a case of Bud Light. Lucy and I were in the living room, and we weren't even watching this scenerio, but I knew that she was going to be upset about meeting them with a bunch of beers in hand, so my first instinct was to shout out, "Hey! Sally! Let's bust out the peace pipe!"


...Of course I didn't. Would have been good though.

But yeah, I put all of Franklin's DVDs in the bookcase, and among them were the regulars, ("300", "Superbad", "Saw II", "American Pie") I found a rather peculiar one. A movie I would never expect to find in Franklin's collection. And yes, that movie was "Stepmom".

Of course I had to point this out to him, and of course his response was something along the lines of "I don't even know how that got there". But I wasn't fooled. I know that he watches it when he's all alone with a glass of wine and a box of tissues for his tears. Because I HAVE seen "Stepmom", and the ending is very sad.

Everybody has their flaws. I mean, I fart in tents. I'm THAT person.

I was thinking about something that happend about a month ago the other day, and I will tell you about it. When my little cousin and I were playing the Sims 3 on Wii, we read online that you can get ghosts to haunt your house. We were instantly interested in this. So it said in order to do this, we had to go to the cemetery, pick up whatever graves we could, bring them back to the house, and put them somewhere in the yard. So we tried to do this, but when we went to the cemetery, we could not pick up any graves. Discouraged, we went about the game. Then, something weird started to happen. The next morning, we walked out our front door, and there was this huge, stone grave staring us in the face. We were shocked. Then we were all like "Oh, I guess somebody died." We instantly jumped on this opportunity and put it in our backyard. But the funny thing is, it turned into this urn.

So we kept playing the game, watching for ghosts to come in the night, but they never came. As we started walking about the town, we noticed there were these big stone graves everywhere. I don't know if you guys have ever played this game, but this was actually pretty goddamn creepy. So we kept taking them, turning them into urns, and bringing them to the house. Every day, the number of graves doubled, like there was some sort of plague going around, killing everybody. But we only laughed and brought them to our house. Sooner or later, we had about 12 urns scattered everywhere from the backyard, to the kitchen table, to the floor. Everywhere you turned, there was an urn. You're probably guessing that we got major ghosts that haunted our house each night. You're wrong. We didn't get SHIT!

So if that didn't get our house haunted, I'm guessing it's impossible.

Or I'll just blame the Wii. Because I HATE the Wii.

Speaking of video games, I think they should make a Parnormal Activity video game. The object of the game is to get rid of the demon before he takes off with your woman while you sleep. HAH! Shortest game ever.


-Jenny

"Haha, she thinks we're texting each other about her and her peach pie."

So first things first. I like to complain about movies/tv shows/music/books that I might secretly like. Therefore, I am going to talk about the movie "Jennifer's Body."

Now, I remember when this came out, and I remember laughing about how dumb it looked. First of all, it's main character (Jennifer) is Megan Fox. Honestly, I cannot take her seriously. And what is this movie about you ask? Megan Fox is a cheerleader that turns into a demon and "devours her classmates" as the TV guide explained. And her best friend (Amanda Seyfried) has to save her stupid boyfriend from being eaten. To which (SPOILER ALERT!) she doesn't. And he dies. But he was kind of a mo anyway.

Let's move on. So I passed by this movie on Cinemax the other day. Although I was a half hour late for it, it was kind of like a train wreck and I couldn't look away. I wanted to change the channel, but I couldn't. So, I ended up watching the entire thing, by myself. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't close my eyes through some of it. Which, turns out, wasn't necessary, because it wasn't scary. But I didn't know that then.

So yes, Megan Fox turns into a flesh eating demon, and she seduces all these boys and then eats them like a casserole. Like, she turns their body into lasagna. And Amanda Seyfried sees Megan Fox when she's all bloody and obviously not herself. And then the next day at school, Megan Fox is her normal self. And Amanda Seyfried (although I really like her) is all like "wow that's really weird. Oh well, I can't explain it, I'll just make out with her." And they do, oddly. There really isn't any reason for it. They just make out. And then Amanda decides to use her brain finally and is like "WAIT! Stop kissing me! I just saw you kill people!" Chyeah.

But all in all, these pictures will pretty much sum up the movie.

She turns into a demon! And the first thing she does is go to Amanda Seyfried's house, raid her fridge, eat a chicken carcass, and projectile vomit black carnage all over Amanda. And all dumb Amanda says is something along the lines of "oh my GOD! Are you sick!?"

This is when dumb Megan Fox finds out that she is, in fact, different. As if the sudden change in diet hadn't tipped her off. "I used to eat one rice cake a day, and now I eat one BOY a day!!" Nice going, you should have noticed you were different when you realized you were a disease infested slut. Just sayin.

And this is what she looks like before she "kills". Oddly enough, this is probably what Megan Fox looks like when she's on her period.


Either way, I laughed out loud, I got scared, and I got confused. And I won't lie to anybody. When I checked the guide later on that night, I saw that it was starting again at 6:30 pm. And I watched it again. And I made Lucy watch it too. She said it "wasn't that bad". I think Megan Fox's last words in the movie sum up how bad it was. (SPOILER ALERT! Amanda Seyfried kills Megan Fox) and when she stabs Megan in the heart (cause that's the only way to kill her) Megan says after a long pause "...my tit!" Yep. I'm not making this up.


-Jenny

"Did you just slap my NECK?!"

So if it's one thing I can't stand, it's annoying people. Not just like, "you're too loud" annoying, but like "you're an complete asshole, not only do I want you to stop talking, I want you to stop breathing" annoying. I was getting lunch with my mom and we were at the Carver Cornerstones bar, which isn't anything special and or fancy. So these three kids come in and sit down right next to us. Two boys and a girl. It looked as though they probably all had sex together in the car before they came in. Anyway, the two boys order rum and cokes or something, and the girl was all like "oh I want to try something different." So she orders some sort of hoity toity fruity drink, and the bartender (who might be the coolest most badass woman ever) was all like "want me to tell you the truth? It's not that good, because we don't have an Oasis machine."

Now, I don't know what the christ an Oasis machine is, but I'm guessing it's some sort of machine that makes fancy drinks easier. But this is Cornerstones, and they don't have nice things like that. Which is pretty much what the bartender told these three degenerates.

So after the girl changes her mind to a mudslide, the bartender is making it, and the two boys are all like "why don't you have an Oasis machine? Blah blah blah, it pays for itself, yakkity yak yak most bars have an Oasis machine, wah wah I'm gay" and the bartender tells them for the millionth time that they don't make enough money in fancy drinks to invest in one. Perfectly understandable. SO after she hands her the mudslide, the loudmouth guy takes a sip and says this, and I kid you not. "It's not BAD, it'd be better if it was made with an Oasis machine." And then he REPEATS it to the bartender when she comes over. She simply tells him "THEN YOU BUY AN OASIS MACHINE!" To which I laugh, but what I really wanted her to do was shove her hand into his mouth and rip his goddamn tongue out. Or spit in his drink, stir it with her middle finger, and say "here, THAT should taste better."

So by this point we are leaving anyway, but I started talking about them without trying to keep my voice down. As we were walking by them, leaving, no lie, he started complaining about the food. From the time we left our seats to the parking lot, I mocked him like crazy. And you better believe I gave him a hardcore lisp.

So my sister Sally is moving out next week and I'm more excited for myself than I am excited for her. Because I'm going to go there ALL the time. They have a second bedroom, and I pretty much already claimed it for myself. They shouldn't call it a "guest room", they should call it "Jen's room". It was funny because Schroeder and I were joking around with Sally and her fiance, Franklin. We'd be all like "oh hey, this second bedroom, how high are the ceilings? High enough for say, I don't know, bunk beds?" When I finally realized that Sally was not going to get bunk beds, I began to inquire in a different way. "So how big is the room? Like the size of Lucy's room? Oh okay. So, could you fit like...a couch in there too?"

She's going to love having us there. You may not think so, but she will.

Being woken up after a long night by your slaphappy sister is not as fun as it sounds.

So, honestly, people who say that Lady Gaga has talent make me really angry. She has talent? Where is she hiding it? In her gigantic meat suit? Or is she hiding it in her huge sideburns from when she dressed up as a man for the VMA's? Or it COULD be what I've always thought. She's not hiding her talent anywhere. She just doesn't have any talent whatsoever.

But seriously. If you ever tell me to my face that Lady Gaga has talent, I'm going to punch a hole through your life.

So anyway. Sally woke me up the past two mornings in a row. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that it's a really annoying thing. I love Sally to death, but she's really goddamn annoying. And she knows it too, so it's okay. So I never really know what the HELL she's talking about, because I'm never really awake when she busts into my room, but apparently she was talking about how she wanted me to go the mall with her. Of course, I paid her no attention. Because, in all honesty, I just wanted her to go away. Now, I'm going to type out the conversation. But before I do, I need to give the background. Anybody who is anybody knows that the Kingston mall is suffering hardcore. Like, you hear crickets when you walk in the front door. It's like a goddamn morgue. Anyway, this is how the conversation went:

Sally: Wake up! Get out of bed!
Me: Yeah, sure, okay.
Sally: What are you doing today!?
Me: I don't know.
Sally: GAP has a sale today, I'm going shopping. Will you come?
Me: I don't know.
Sally: What time does the mall open!?
Me: Ten. What time is it right now?
Sally: Perfect. It's 9:30. Get out of bed, let's go now! I want to beat the crowds.

Now, there are many things wrong with this whole conversation. 1) I am not awake during this entire conversation. Like, my eyes are closed and I'm drifting in and out of dreams. 2) Sally is officially retarded because these "crowds" that she refers to do NOT exist at the Kingston mall. If by "crowds" you mean "two people and the occasional old couple who don't even know where the hell they are", then yes, Sally, let's beat the crowds. And of course, 3) I can't get out of bed until you leave my room because I am, in fact, in my underwear. As in I'm not wearing ANY pants. So get out.

The funny thing is, as she was waiting (and getting impatient) for me to get up, she went out on my balcony. I heard her sit on my rocking chair. Then, about two SECONDS later, came back into my room and had the NERVE to say "your rocking chair needs some sort of padding." To which of course, I reply with the all so obvious "your ass needs some sort of padding." BAH ZING! Check AND mate.

So the Playstation 2 game "True Crime: Streets of LA" has resurfaced. Schroeder and I used to play it pretty much every waking moment and we thought it was awesome because you can kill people, fight people, run people over with your car, run ANYTHING over with your car (trees, signs, benches, people, grandpas, grandmas, pimps, hoes, and then some) and totally get away with it. To put it lightly, it's stress relief. Also, if you laugh uncontrollably when you are doing any of the above, people WILL think you're mentally unstable and get a little worried. But honestly, I'm not going to lie. After a bad day, you want to shoot somebody who is walking straight towards you point blank in the face? Do it. It's fun.
As long as you don't do it in real life I guess, because I think that gets you in trouble.

I was playing last night and Lucy made some sort of comment about how video games influence children in a negative way and blah blah blah. But hey. We turned out fine.

Song of the day: Anything off of Ratatat's "Classics" That is all.


-Jenny.

"PJ beer! It's almost as good as shower beer!"

I haven't written in awhile. I'm terribly sorry to my four fans. I hope you all have gotten along fine without it.

Anyway, let's jump right into it, shall we?

Is this not the creepiest picture you've ever seen in your life?! Looking at this picture makes me react in the same way I react upon seeing the creepy twins in "The Shining". And there's something about Sally's face that makes it look like she has no teeth.

Or let's just talk about this picture for a bit.

This picture makes us appear to be retarded retards. It might be the beer bottle on top of the very leaning stick stuck in the ground. Or it could be the way we are looking at it.

Anyway, onto something else. I had to take my cousin into the elementary school today to walk around, find her classroom, meet the principal, etc. Now, I was kind of excited because I went there about 17 years ago, and I hadn't been there since. So we passed the cafeteria, which is pretty much the only thing I remember clearly (probably because I loved food so much?) where I was reminded of how badass I used to think I was when I had pancakes for LUNCH. Anyway, the first thing I see is a framed picture on the wall. I instantly knew what this was. This writer/artist came to our school and showed us how he did his illustrations of dogs. When he was done, he signed it and put the date, 1995. I got ridiculously exicited upon seeing this, and said to my little cousin, (rather loudly, I couldn't control the volume of my voice) "I WATCHED him DRAW this when I was SEVEN years old!!!" to which she nervously laughed and gave me a look like I was mentally unstable. Her only response was "It's always been there..."

Also, we checked out their "outdoor classroom" which was a few picnic tables under a sort of tent. Which I thought was cool, so I figured I'd tell my cousin about how the college I went to had an outdoor classroom as well. I said "yeah, it was in the woods!" because honestly, Bridgewater State's outdoor classroom used to be in the goddamn woods! She gave me a look like she did in the cafeteria. A look of sheer horror/worry, and the well known look of embarrassment of being related to me.

I was just randomly reminded of a funny scenerio that took place this summer. It's not that funny, really, but it is to me. I was at the Cabbyshack in Plymouth getting lunch with Sally. All of the sudden, I had to go to the bathroom. If you're not familiar with the Cabbyshack, which I really wasn't, the walls and stuff are decorated as an underwater scene. Or some shit like that. I don't really remember the specifics. But yes, rather "nautical" if you will. So wandering around looking for the bathroom, I saw a sign with "restrooms" and an arrow, so I figured that was the way. But here is the funny part. There were two doors, no words, no labels, no nothing. There were only two pictures, one on each door. One of them was a Pirate (I capitalize Pirate because I feel like they are important people), and the other was a Mermaid. (They are important, too). And I hate to admit it, but for a SPLIT second, I actually HESITATED. Not like seriously hesitated, but like, if someone were to watch me, it'd be really embarrassing. I'll admit it, I'm obviously officially retarded. (Disclaimer! While most of you are probably assuming I was drunk, I had half a beer at this point.)But as I went into the Mermaid door, I thought I would justify my retardedness with the fact that I would honestly rather be a Pirate than a Mermaid. Maybe that is why I faltered. And I don't mean it symbolically, as in I'd rather be a boy than a girl. I honestly mean I'd rather be a Pirate. Because they are badasses and they shoot cannons and steal booty and drink rum, while Mermaids just swim around and perch themselves on rocks. And sing sad songs about wanting to walk. And I can't really see myself wearing a seashell bra. But I CAN see myself wearing an eye patch. That is all.

So tomorrow is September 1st. And that officially sucks because summer is over.


Anyway, I'm going to suggest the song of the day. It's an oldie but goodie.

M.I.A. "Paper Planes"

-Jenny

"Don't look at my eyes! They are DRUNK."

Okay. It's been one Hell of a week.

It started of with our drive to the ferry to get to the Vineyard. We were stuck in traffic and we see a car with a bike rack on the back. This is where Sally said, "I can't ride a bike." Then after we laughed in her face, she corrected herself with, "Well, I can, I'm just scared."

Having fears is one thing, and I really hate to make fun of people's fears. But when you're 26 and you are scared to ride a bike without training wheels, you're kind of asking for it.

This is the same girl that says "oh CRUM" when she gets mad.

So then we had to stop at this store in Falmouth so she could meet this children's book author that she's a huge fan of. Of course, she was the oldest person in there, and he was doing story time. Even my little cousin didn't care much for what he had to say. So Schroeder and I were just waiting outside for her, and we were sitting on a bench. Then, I felt it move, and for a second I thought that we were going to break this bench. Which wouldn't do much for my self esteem. So I said "I think this bench just creaked," and then I turned to Schroeder and said "unless you farted and that was the vibration..." to which he started laughing and said, "yup."

So anyway, we eventually got to the Vineyard and did a bunch of daytime drinking; the best kind. It's funny, because every summer we go to the Vineyard, there are no rules and no judgement from anybody. If you want to have a beer for breakfast at 8:30 in the morning, you can. Hell, there'd be a few people that would JOIN you. If you did that here, at home, you'd get ripped a new asshole. Your brain would be kicked into your intestines. Just saying.

But anywho. A bunch of things happened over the week, Schroeder fell asleep outside for a good hour the first night, then was very surprised when I told him so the next morning. "I did WHAT?" My dad narrated his life like he always does after we made a rule for "no narrations." ("I'm going to heat up that pizza for lunch." "I'm going upstairs to the balcony." "I'm going to the bathroom." etc etc)

Speaking of my dad, here is what he was up to for most of the week.

That's my dad on the left, you can't see it from this ridiculous picture, but he is in fact wearing a plaid orange shirt with different plaid shorts. After months of my sisters and I telling him that he can't mix plaids, he still does.

Here he is showing Lucy and her boyfriend how he swings a golf club, using a simple household broom.

One funny story comes to mind when I think back on the week. I was at the beach with Linus and Schroeder, when we saw a girl that we had seen a few times before on the same beach. And she was always by herself. And she was cute, so I thought that Schroeder should ask her to hang out. He thought that was too forward, so we were joking around about how to get her to come over. I said that I should say "Hey, come hang out with us! Our girl-to-boy ratio is uneven, and I don't want people to think I'm a slut. Can you help me out?"

It is here that we noticed that the bottom of her boob was out. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, it's not like you could see anything. Just a little bit of the bottom. Nothing too drastic. So it was here that the real jokes started. "Oh, she's OBVIOUSLY doing that for you, Schroeder. She's all like 'Hey, do you like my side boob? Well you should, cause it's a nice side boob.'" We were kind of sitting somewhat near her, and we were talking about her as loud as we wanted to, because she had her headphones on. Then I thought of how funny it would have been if she wasn't listening to anything. Like if the bottom of her headphone jack wasn't plugged into anything. CAN YOU IMAGINE?! Hah!

Then these two old men with saggy bums came and blocked our view of her. Linus, Schroeder, and I briefly wondered if they were looking at her underboob too, then Linus said "probably not, they are probably checking out the old ladies over there." Then came the impressions of the old men.

"Oh my god, look at her wrinkly ass."
"Look at her turkey neck. That is hot! I am READY for THANKSGIVING. Gobble gobble!"

We are not mean people.

I helped out with getting things ready for Sally's classroom today, and Linus and I were trying to think of a good "Welcome" message for the kids.

Here is what we came up with.

I don't know how to flip this, but you can probably read it anyway. If not, you're pathetic.

and then this.

Surprisingly, she decided that these were not appropriate for the classroom. There is no pleasing her.


On a side note, there must be something wrong with me, because I recently purchased a Chris Brown cd and an Akon cd. I never really liked Chris Brown, but I started to like him a little bit more ever since he punched Rihanna. Too soon?

-Jenny