"Did you just slap my NECK?!"

So if it's one thing I can't stand, it's annoying people. Not just like, "you're too loud" annoying, but like "you're an complete asshole, not only do I want you to stop talking, I want you to stop breathing" annoying. I was getting lunch with my mom and we were at the Carver Cornerstones bar, which isn't anything special and or fancy. So these three kids come in and sit down right next to us. Two boys and a girl. It looked as though they probably all had sex together in the car before they came in. Anyway, the two boys order rum and cokes or something, and the girl was all like "oh I want to try something different." So she orders some sort of hoity toity fruity drink, and the bartender (who might be the coolest most badass woman ever) was all like "want me to tell you the truth? It's not that good, because we don't have an Oasis machine."

Now, I don't know what the christ an Oasis machine is, but I'm guessing it's some sort of machine that makes fancy drinks easier. But this is Cornerstones, and they don't have nice things like that. Which is pretty much what the bartender told these three degenerates.

So after the girl changes her mind to a mudslide, the bartender is making it, and the two boys are all like "why don't you have an Oasis machine? Blah blah blah, it pays for itself, yakkity yak yak most bars have an Oasis machine, wah wah I'm gay" and the bartender tells them for the millionth time that they don't make enough money in fancy drinks to invest in one. Perfectly understandable. SO after she hands her the mudslide, the loudmouth guy takes a sip and says this, and I kid you not. "It's not BAD, it'd be better if it was made with an Oasis machine." And then he REPEATS it to the bartender when she comes over. She simply tells him "THEN YOU BUY AN OASIS MACHINE!" To which I laugh, but what I really wanted her to do was shove her hand into his mouth and rip his goddamn tongue out. Or spit in his drink, stir it with her middle finger, and say "here, THAT should taste better."

So by this point we are leaving anyway, but I started talking about them without trying to keep my voice down. As we were walking by them, leaving, no lie, he started complaining about the food. From the time we left our seats to the parking lot, I mocked him like crazy. And you better believe I gave him a hardcore lisp.

So my sister Sally is moving out next week and I'm more excited for myself than I am excited for her. Because I'm going to go there ALL the time. They have a second bedroom, and I pretty much already claimed it for myself. They shouldn't call it a "guest room", they should call it "Jen's room". It was funny because Schroeder and I were joking around with Sally and her fiance, Franklin. We'd be all like "oh hey, this second bedroom, how high are the ceilings? High enough for say, I don't know, bunk beds?" When I finally realized that Sally was not going to get bunk beds, I began to inquire in a different way. "So how big is the room? Like the size of Lucy's room? Oh okay. So, could you fit like...a couch in there too?"

She's going to love having us there. You may not think so, but she will.