So, I don't know how, but I somehow spent 3 out of 4 days this holiday weekend doing the same exact thing with the same exact people. The sun was shining, the pool was glowing, the beer was flowing, and the company was good. That is all.
We did put together this game yesterday though. There are two nets that stick into the ground, and then there is what looks like a biirdie and a golf ball's offspring. So you are supposed to hit the golf ball biirdie with an actual golf club and see if you can get it in the net. After very few attempts, everybody decided that it would be way better (and easier) if we just threw the golf ball biirdies instead of using golf clubs. This is currently Schroeder and I's new favorite game. We call it "bum darts" for some odd reason.
A funny thing happened the other day. My sister Sally's boyfriend was talking about how he wanted to shave his head, and of course, Sally says "NO! You have an ugly head." After everybody laughed their asses off, she added, "well it's true. He has a lumpy head." To which he follows up with a story about how he has a dented head because he was hit with a SHOVEL at one point in time.
So in past summers, me, Schroeder, and my sisters all discuss how my dad wears his underwear with his bathing suit. Every time he puts his bathing suit on, there they are. The Jockeys pulled up WAY higher than the swimsuit, so everybody can see. When Schroeder told us that that wasn't normal for guys, we were shocked. Well, Sally was shocked. Because everything shocks her. But it must be wicked uncomfortable after you go swimming, right? Hanging around in your wet Jockeys all day. Not like this surprises me, because it's normal behavior for my dad. You know, being weird.
So on Friday we finally made fun of him for it. We held off long enough. Then YESTERDAY Sally and I notice that we cannot see the whitie tightie Jockeys hiked up. It's just my dad in his bathing suit. This did not seem right, so I turned to Sally and said, "is he not wearing underwear with his bathing suit today?" and after observing she said, "Well, maybe we just can't see them." Then later in the day...it was revealed. I was in the right place at the right time when he turned to my mom and said "Hey look! (sticking out his backside) No Jockeys!"
While we are on the subject of my dad, I feel like this following story describes him more perfectly. We are all sitting on the back deck, eating the oodles of food that we had, and my dad is just tearing through it all. He fills his plate up, and then takes a bag of chips and rips it open with his teeth, nearing spilling the entire contents onto the floor. As he is eating, he drops numerous chips, and the ones he doesn't pick right back up and eat, he ends up stepping on them. It's like having a dog around the house. When we drop food on the ground, we call my dad over to come and eat it. So then, we are all watching him just DESTROY everything on his plate, we notice that he is just adding random ingredients to his sandwich. When he wasn't really looking, my sister Lucy carefully placed a chip inside of it. I'm pretty sure he saw her do it, but he ate every bite of it, without saying anything about the chip. This worries me deeply.
It also worries me when we ask him what a Butterfinger candy bar tastes like (he devoured one the day before, not caring whose it was), and he says "Oh you know, it has a lot of caramel. And a cookie inside."
So in a nutshell, the entire weekend consisted of sunburns, mosquito bites, overeating, and NO hangovers! (surprisingly) So now my arms and shoulders feel like they are on fire, every part of my body is itchy from the mosquito attack, and my belly sticks out to California. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
-Jenny
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"I smushed his BRAIN into his ASSHOLE."
I don't understand why I have a sunburn when I didn't even sit outside for that long today. And I won't even call it a sunburn because A) I didn't even notice I had it and B) it's only in a few spots. It's like the poison ivy of sunburns. It's only on my left upper arm, some of my chest, and on my stomach in an ameoba type shape. I do not understand this. But either way, it's funny to me. And oh yeah, I have a perfect necklace outline.
So everyone is going to hate me for saying this: I think the Bruins are going to blow the last game. I don't want ANYBODY giving me that "oh you have no faith" bullshit. It's called being truthful. It's just that they haven't been doing well and it's a reasonable notion that they might lose tomorrow. If I was friends with somebody in a wheelchair, I wouldn't tell them that someday we will go jogging together.
So it's summer weather, finally. But when summer comes, the nightmarish creatures come along with it. They come into your house, they steal your girlfriends, they break into your cars, they ruin your life. That's right, spiders.
I've been prepared though. I've even dubbed one of my sneakers as the "spider killing sneaker". Cool name, huh? It took me forever to think of that one. So when I see a spider in my room, after I lose my voice from screaming, I grab the sneaker and I just go bananas. I murder them, and when their decapitated body is left twitching on the ground, I SPIT on them. Then I "vampire" that shit and light it on FIRE.
Okay so I don't do that. But I DO cry when I get close to it.
I'm not crazy. I swear.
My dad is the only person in the world I think that flips through like 800 channels and STOPS on George Lopez. You know what's funny about George Lopez? NOTHING. Or...HIS FACE.
So today my mom and I went to lunch at the Plymouth waterfront because it was such a magnificent day. We planned on sitting outside, so on our way in, my mom asked this man in a suit if it was okay if we just went out back to sit outside. I'm pretty sure this man did not work for the restaurant. So I did what any person would do in that situation. I put my sunglasses on, started walking away, and pretended like I didn't know her. But she says that she was sure that he worked there.
Well, goodnight.
-Jenny
So everyone is going to hate me for saying this: I think the Bruins are going to blow the last game. I don't want ANYBODY giving me that "oh you have no faith" bullshit. It's called being truthful. It's just that they haven't been doing well and it's a reasonable notion that they might lose tomorrow. If I was friends with somebody in a wheelchair, I wouldn't tell them that someday we will go jogging together.
So it's summer weather, finally. But when summer comes, the nightmarish creatures come along with it. They come into your house, they steal your girlfriends, they break into your cars, they ruin your life. That's right, spiders.
I've been prepared though. I've even dubbed one of my sneakers as the "spider killing sneaker". Cool name, huh? It took me forever to think of that one. So when I see a spider in my room, after I lose my voice from screaming, I grab the sneaker and I just go bananas. I murder them, and when their decapitated body is left twitching on the ground, I SPIT on them. Then I "vampire" that shit and light it on FIRE.
Okay so I don't do that. But I DO cry when I get close to it.
I'm not crazy. I swear.
My dad is the only person in the world I think that flips through like 800 channels and STOPS on George Lopez. You know what's funny about George Lopez? NOTHING. Or...HIS FACE.
So today my mom and I went to lunch at the Plymouth waterfront because it was such a magnificent day. We planned on sitting outside, so on our way in, my mom asked this man in a suit if it was okay if we just went out back to sit outside. I'm pretty sure this man did not work for the restaurant. So I did what any person would do in that situation. I put my sunglasses on, started walking away, and pretended like I didn't know her. But she says that she was sure that he worked there.
Well, goodnight.
-Jenny
Monday, May 23, 2011
I've never been chased around the room with somebody's ass.
Hello. This is my dad when he falls asleep with a drink in his hand and we take it from him.
I had to zoom it in so that you can see his right hand. The hand still thinks the drink is in it. Hah. Anyway, on to make fun of someone else.
Saturday night, at around 1:30 in the morning, Jaws came on Starz. My mom, who was surprisingly still awake, insisted that we watch it because I have never seen one second of any Jaws film. Based on everybody's reaction, this apparently is a sin. So as the movie goes on, my mom is constantly saying, "Oh watch this part, watch this part. This guy DIES. You know how you know? The music starts in. It goes dah duhn... dah duhn."
Mom, I said I've never seen the Jaws movies. I didn't say I was completely retarded.
Yesterday apparently everybody wanted to cook/bake something. So Lucy, Linus, and I start to make chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile Sally was sleeping on the couch. It was around 4 in the afternoon. So we are having a blast, putting cookie sheet after cookie sheet in the oven. In the middle of our cookie making, Sally wakes up and decides she wants to barge in and make her bacon baked potatoes. She completely takes over the kitchen and acts like hot shit. So Lucy's first concern is that "our cookies are going to smell like BACON now!" to which she rips them out of the oven and runs them into the dining room like they are on fire. Either way, there was cookie dough on one side of the counter, and the bacon on the other side, and I kept helping myself to both. Then I say, "I wonder why I feel so fat?"
So anyway, in the movie "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World", there was one hilarious part that I thought was funny. I've never seen the movie before today, but I've seen this certain part before.
(While talking about a girl)
Roommate: You have to use the L word!
Scott: ...Lesbian?
Roommate: No, the other L word.
Scott: ...LesbianS?
Haha, and then of course later in the movie he tells the girl "I'm in lesbians with you." Which, to me, is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Especially when it's coming from this kid.
No offense, because I love Michael Cera, but I don't think I've ever seen a nerdier looking kid in my life. Maybe nerdy isn't the word, maybe it's just "awkward". He is a very awkward young man.
-Jenny
I had to zoom it in so that you can see his right hand. The hand still thinks the drink is in it. Hah. Anyway, on to make fun of someone else.
Saturday night, at around 1:30 in the morning, Jaws came on Starz. My mom, who was surprisingly still awake, insisted that we watch it because I have never seen one second of any Jaws film. Based on everybody's reaction, this apparently is a sin. So as the movie goes on, my mom is constantly saying, "Oh watch this part, watch this part. This guy DIES. You know how you know? The music starts in. It goes dah duhn... dah duhn."
Mom, I said I've never seen the Jaws movies. I didn't say I was completely retarded.
Yesterday apparently everybody wanted to cook/bake something. So Lucy, Linus, and I start to make chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile Sally was sleeping on the couch. It was around 4 in the afternoon. So we are having a blast, putting cookie sheet after cookie sheet in the oven. In the middle of our cookie making, Sally wakes up and decides she wants to barge in and make her bacon baked potatoes. She completely takes over the kitchen and acts like hot shit. So Lucy's first concern is that "our cookies are going to smell like BACON now!" to which she rips them out of the oven and runs them into the dining room like they are on fire. Either way, there was cookie dough on one side of the counter, and the bacon on the other side, and I kept helping myself to both. Then I say, "I wonder why I feel so fat?"
So anyway, in the movie "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World", there was one hilarious part that I thought was funny. I've never seen the movie before today, but I've seen this certain part before.
(While talking about a girl)
Roommate: You have to use the L word!
Scott: ...Lesbian?
Roommate: No, the other L word.
Scott: ...LesbianS?
Haha, and then of course later in the movie he tells the girl "I'm in lesbians with you." Which, to me, is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Especially when it's coming from this kid.
No offense, because I love Michael Cera, but I don't think I've ever seen a nerdier looking kid in my life. Maybe nerdy isn't the word, maybe it's just "awkward". He is a very awkward young man.
-Jenny
Friday, May 20, 2011
"It's just like an iPhone! All small and compact! I talk on it like THIS!"
A lot of funny things happened in the past two days. I feel like most of them I would get yelled at for talking about. Not like that has ever stopped me, but I think for the sake of my own life, I'll just talk about the less embarrassing things.
Like my sister, who is a teacher to very young children, tells everyone tonight that a boy was pissing her off in class the other day that she gave him the "evil eye" all day. Now, for some reason, this doesn't seem like a proper teacher thing to do. I mean, if the kid had diarrhea in the middle of the "reading time" carpet, and even after cleaning it up you could still smell it, MAYBE you could give him the evil eye all day, but this kid probably just didn't know what the Hell 2+2 was. He probably said something like "2+2 equals 22" expecting to get a rise out his classmates because honestly, everyone wants to be a class clown. And then my sister gives him the evil eye. JUST TELL HIM THAT THE ANSWER IS 4.
So then this is what happened next. My sister has this thing where every time she is due for a new phone, she gets the shittiest phone she can find. Like, the ones that were cool like 6 years ago. I can just see her shopping for one and saying, "how much is this one with the contract?" and him being like "oh that shitty one? That one is $9.99." and then her saying "GREAT SCOTT! I don't want to pay that much for a phone. I'll just take this free one." And the worst part is...she always thinks it's the coolest phone to ever have walked the earth. She'll be like "hey, check out my new phone," in this wicked cocky/proud voice and I'm the only one that's honest enough to tell her that she probably picked the shittiest phone in the store.
So the one that she has now is a red one that slides up and down. It's not one of those texting phones that slide sideways, it just slides up and down. She thought it was hot shit because it is red. So apparently she didn't know that you could actually operate it (not to mention TALK on it) while the phone was closed. She thought that she had to slide it open every time she wanted to use it. So, after we all erupted in laughter, she starts going on about her new knowledge. "Oh my God! I can talk on it when it's not slid open!? It feels like an iPhone! It's so small now!" To which I couldn't help but laugh because iPhones are probably the biggest phones ever and are nowhere near "small and compact". Her phone (slid OPEN) was probably a lot smaller than an iPhone. But anyway.
So the night went on, laughs were had, Lucy, Linus and I performed a series of slow claps for Sally for tying a bow on a gift, you know, the usual. We all made fun of watching her try to tie this bow and when it was done it came out pretty good. So we all told her that and she was convinced that we were being sarcastic assholes. So she would say something to Lucy like "You're really pissing me off." and all Lucy would say in response was "That's a really nice bow."
So Linus and I went to a rather fancy restaurant tonight. The reason I know it's fancy is because their napkins are cloth and they give you water glasses. It was a lovely dinner, but I felt like I didn't belong there just because I can't be serious. I realized this after I had said the word "jizz" in the middle of a conversation. That's when you know you're not mature enough for a restaurant with cloth napkins. Even if you're basically 23 years old. Lovin life.
I guess this is when you know you haven't matured yet. When you actually look at a Gumby and Pokey figure and think of how cool it would be to put them in this position. And then take time to actually set it up. And then take a PICTURE of it. And then laugh forever.
-Jenny.
Like my sister, who is a teacher to very young children, tells everyone tonight that a boy was pissing her off in class the other day that she gave him the "evil eye" all day. Now, for some reason, this doesn't seem like a proper teacher thing to do. I mean, if the kid had diarrhea in the middle of the "reading time" carpet, and even after cleaning it up you could still smell it, MAYBE you could give him the evil eye all day, but this kid probably just didn't know what the Hell 2+2 was. He probably said something like "2+2 equals 22" expecting to get a rise out his classmates because honestly, everyone wants to be a class clown. And then my sister gives him the evil eye. JUST TELL HIM THAT THE ANSWER IS 4.
So then this is what happened next. My sister has this thing where every time she is due for a new phone, she gets the shittiest phone she can find. Like, the ones that were cool like 6 years ago. I can just see her shopping for one and saying, "how much is this one with the contract?" and him being like "oh that shitty one? That one is $9.99." and then her saying "GREAT SCOTT! I don't want to pay that much for a phone. I'll just take this free one." And the worst part is...she always thinks it's the coolest phone to ever have walked the earth. She'll be like "hey, check out my new phone," in this wicked cocky/proud voice and I'm the only one that's honest enough to tell her that she probably picked the shittiest phone in the store.
So the one that she has now is a red one that slides up and down. It's not one of those texting phones that slide sideways, it just slides up and down. She thought it was hot shit because it is red. So apparently she didn't know that you could actually operate it (not to mention TALK on it) while the phone was closed. She thought that she had to slide it open every time she wanted to use it. So, after we all erupted in laughter, she starts going on about her new knowledge. "Oh my God! I can talk on it when it's not slid open!? It feels like an iPhone! It's so small now!" To which I couldn't help but laugh because iPhones are probably the biggest phones ever and are nowhere near "small and compact". Her phone (slid OPEN) was probably a lot smaller than an iPhone. But anyway.
So the night went on, laughs were had, Lucy, Linus and I performed a series of slow claps for Sally for tying a bow on a gift, you know, the usual. We all made fun of watching her try to tie this bow and when it was done it came out pretty good. So we all told her that and she was convinced that we were being sarcastic assholes. So she would say something to Lucy like "You're really pissing me off." and all Lucy would say in response was "That's a really nice bow."
So Linus and I went to a rather fancy restaurant tonight. The reason I know it's fancy is because their napkins are cloth and they give you water glasses. It was a lovely dinner, but I felt like I didn't belong there just because I can't be serious. I realized this after I had said the word "jizz" in the middle of a conversation. That's when you know you're not mature enough for a restaurant with cloth napkins. Even if you're basically 23 years old. Lovin life.
I guess this is when you know you haven't matured yet. When you actually look at a Gumby and Pokey figure and think of how cool it would be to put them in this position. And then take time to actually set it up. And then take a PICTURE of it. And then laugh forever.
-Jenny.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"And then Harry Potter said the magic words...HOCUS POCUS!"
Anyway, "Sixteen and Pregnant" just came on the tv and I'm too lazy to get up and change it. Even though watching this show is probably the worst possible thing to ever have happened. Why are these people getting famous because of having no morals and having a strong urge to open their legs to everyone? "Oh, you don't have a condom? That's fine! What's the worst that can happen?" These girls are without doubt the DUMBEST human beings on this planet. They make the Jersey Shore cast seem like Einsteins. I'm actually not even sure if that's how you spell his name. But yeah, sixteen year olds not knowing how sex works, thus resulting in a baby, is just a mess. And the boyfriend is always much more clueless and braindead than the girl! She's all like "I'm pregnant! I'm going to have a baby I think..." and he's like "BITCH WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE?! I WAS GOING TO BE A GAS STATION ATTENDANT. GET SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU." So nobody needs to watch this season of "Sixteen and Pregnant" because I pretty much just summed it up for you. I'm talking to you, Sally.
But yeah, here I am, being wicked cool and funny, and am I rich and famous? No. You know why? Because I didn't get knocked up when I was a preteen.
-Jenny
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"Hey, hey, ask her if she's pregnant. Ask her how far along she is."
For some reason, when Sally, Schroeder, and I get together, I end up laughing more than I ever have. Here we are:
So this is what happened earlier today. Now, I've already made it clear what kind of person that Sally is. She is the sister that wakes up every morning at six, no matter what, and annoys everybody until they do what she says. You can call it persistent I guess, but what I call it is a big fat pain in the ass. Speaking with Sally right after you wake up is equivalent to somebody hammering you in the head with a billy club. And if you had been drinking a little bit the night before, the billy club has spikes on it.
So this morning, I wake up around eleven (don't judge.) and Schroeder wakes up shortly after. So we gather on the couch like usual and watch tv. This is about the time when Sally comes in and starts her usual talking/shrieking. This is how it went: "Hey guys! What are you guys doing today? WE SHOULD GO TO LUNCH! Do you guys want to go to lunch? I think we should. I totally think we should. Are you guys doing anything? I'm so excited! I really think we should all go to lunch."
Now, hearing this shortly after you wake up with no coffee, especially hearing it in a voice that only dogs can hear, is not my definition of a good morning. So it's about 11:55 am at this point, and (being the amazing sister that I am) all I can really say is "You need to stop talking until noon. Stop speaking." To which she laughed (she thought I was being funny...I was never more serious about anything in my entire life) and waited until exactly noon to start flapping her lips again. SO, we gave in and went with her.
So Schroeder and I have discovered something, and it is this. He thinks that being called "annoying" is the word that cuts the deepest. I believe it is simply being called "stupid." How did we figure this out? He called me stupid one too many times and I got really upset. And I called him annoying one too many times, and HE got upset. It's funny, because after 22 years of calling each other the worst names in the book, it's words like "stupid" and "annoying" that really bother us. I guess words like "shithead" and "assbag" and "douchelicker" just don't affect us.
So I watched The Shining last night. I felt I had to prove something to myself. It was like an accomplishment. But it was way scarier than I remember it. There is something about Jack Nicholson that creeps my creep out. It's his eyebrows, I swear. But I realized that this small family is the most screwed up family in the world. First of all, Jack Nicholson is a creepy bastard in every movie he is in. In this movie, he is trying to kill his family with an axe. Put the eyebrows and the axe together and you have one deranged man.
Second of all, his wife is probably the ugliest woman on this planet. I don't mean like "oh she is unfortunate looking." I mean like "wow she fell off the ugly tree and hit EVERY goddamn branch on the way down. And once she hit the ground the ugly garden gnome kicked her in the shins." That's a whole new form of ugly.
And lastly, their son. Now, call me crazy for thinking any little boy with an imaginary man named Tony living in his finger is not to be trusted. But there is something about an unstable little boy screaming REDRUM as he stands over his sleeping mother with a knife bigger than he is that makes me want to shut the movie off, curl up into a ball, and cover every goddamn mirror in the house. And at the end of the movie, the mother is constantly trying to save the son from Jack Nicholson. Yeah right, if I woke up to my crazy son standing over me with a knife, I would give him to the axe swinging Jack Nicholson on a silver platter.
Just sayin.
Anyway, I shall retire now. But now I'm thinking about The Shining and I'm all scared. =/ damn.
-Jenny
So this is what happened earlier today. Now, I've already made it clear what kind of person that Sally is. She is the sister that wakes up every morning at six, no matter what, and annoys everybody until they do what she says. You can call it persistent I guess, but what I call it is a big fat pain in the ass. Speaking with Sally right after you wake up is equivalent to somebody hammering you in the head with a billy club. And if you had been drinking a little bit the night before, the billy club has spikes on it.
So this morning, I wake up around eleven (don't judge.) and Schroeder wakes up shortly after. So we gather on the couch like usual and watch tv. This is about the time when Sally comes in and starts her usual talking/shrieking. This is how it went: "Hey guys! What are you guys doing today? WE SHOULD GO TO LUNCH! Do you guys want to go to lunch? I think we should. I totally think we should. Are you guys doing anything? I'm so excited! I really think we should all go to lunch."
Now, hearing this shortly after you wake up with no coffee, especially hearing it in a voice that only dogs can hear, is not my definition of a good morning. So it's about 11:55 am at this point, and (being the amazing sister that I am) all I can really say is "You need to stop talking until noon. Stop speaking." To which she laughed (she thought I was being funny...I was never more serious about anything in my entire life) and waited until exactly noon to start flapping her lips again. SO, we gave in and went with her.
So Schroeder and I have discovered something, and it is this. He thinks that being called "annoying" is the word that cuts the deepest. I believe it is simply being called "stupid." How did we figure this out? He called me stupid one too many times and I got really upset. And I called him annoying one too many times, and HE got upset. It's funny, because after 22 years of calling each other the worst names in the book, it's words like "stupid" and "annoying" that really bother us. I guess words like "shithead" and "assbag" and "douchelicker" just don't affect us.
So I watched The Shining last night. I felt I had to prove something to myself. It was like an accomplishment. But it was way scarier than I remember it. There is something about Jack Nicholson that creeps my creep out. It's his eyebrows, I swear. But I realized that this small family is the most screwed up family in the world. First of all, Jack Nicholson is a creepy bastard in every movie he is in. In this movie, he is trying to kill his family with an axe. Put the eyebrows and the axe together and you have one deranged man.
Second of all, his wife is probably the ugliest woman on this planet. I don't mean like "oh she is unfortunate looking." I mean like "wow she fell off the ugly tree and hit EVERY goddamn branch on the way down. And once she hit the ground the ugly garden gnome kicked her in the shins." That's a whole new form of ugly.
And lastly, their son. Now, call me crazy for thinking any little boy with an imaginary man named Tony living in his finger is not to be trusted. But there is something about an unstable little boy screaming REDRUM as he stands over his sleeping mother with a knife bigger than he is that makes me want to shut the movie off, curl up into a ball, and cover every goddamn mirror in the house. And at the end of the movie, the mother is constantly trying to save the son from Jack Nicholson. Yeah right, if I woke up to my crazy son standing over me with a knife, I would give him to the axe swinging Jack Nicholson on a silver platter.
Just sayin.
Anyway, I shall retire now. But now I'm thinking about The Shining and I'm all scared. =/ damn.
-Jenny
Monday, May 9, 2011
"Tell her a secret and maybe she'll tell you one." I PEE IN THE SHOWER, OKAY?!
Well let's see. Where to start. Ahh yes.
My sister was doing an interpretive dance to Flo Rida's "Low". It seems she has all the important steps down.
So I've been actually sleeping with pants on lately. I know, weird right? I don't know what's come over me. So the other morning my mom came into my room and she said the usual "put your pants on! it's time for Ellen!" So I said, "I HAVE pants on." And do you know what her reply was? It was "Why?"
There's just something funny about hearing somebody question the fact that you're wearing pants. Hah.
It was brought to my attention from my sister that my dad calls cars by the wrong names. I never noticed this, but when she told me, I could totally picture it. For instance, my dad has a jeep. It looks like this.
My dad calls this a "truck". This is a Jeep. I guess this isn't that bad, but here's where it gets interesting. Upon seeing my neighbors car one day, apparently he called it a "Jeep." It is not a Jeep. YOU have a Jeep dad, YOU do.
I wonder what he calls my car. Probably a spaceship.
So the other day I was at this restaurant with my mom. It's in Carver and we like to go there all the time. But it's in Carver and all of the same people go there, and they go there everyday. We go a lot, but certainly not everyday. So anyway, this woman who I've seen before in there many many times (and most of the time she's drunk, and it's like 2 in the afternoon) comes and sits next to me. She's loud too, so I'm not too happy that her elbow is basically touching mine. So the bartender comes over and of course she's friends with her because all drunks know each other. She then says (to the bartender) "Hey did I pay you last night???" And the bartender just nods her head and says "What, you don't remember?" To which the woman just starts cackling like she is the coolest thing since yo yo's and repeating it to her friends. It's like, "Lady, you're like 40 years old, and you think you're cool because you got shitfaced and forgot everything that you did?" Oh yeah, most of us feel the same way, AND THEN WE TURN NINETEEN. And as far as I can tell with this woman, it happens every day/night. And she probably goes home with a different guy every night. I can just tell. That's when you know you're winning at life. Carver scum.
The song of the day is Maps and Atlases "Perch Patchwork".
-Jenny.
My sister was doing an interpretive dance to Flo Rida's "Low". It seems she has all the important steps down.
There's just something funny about hearing somebody question the fact that you're wearing pants. Hah.
It was brought to my attention from my sister that my dad calls cars by the wrong names. I never noticed this, but when she told me, I could totally picture it. For instance, my dad has a jeep. It looks like this.
My dad calls this a "truck". This is a Jeep. I guess this isn't that bad, but here's where it gets interesting. Upon seeing my neighbors car one day, apparently he called it a "Jeep." It is not a Jeep. YOU have a Jeep dad, YOU do.
I wonder what he calls my car. Probably a spaceship.
So the other day I was at this restaurant with my mom. It's in Carver and we like to go there all the time. But it's in Carver and all of the same people go there, and they go there everyday. We go a lot, but certainly not everyday. So anyway, this woman who I've seen before in there many many times (and most of the time she's drunk, and it's like 2 in the afternoon) comes and sits next to me. She's loud too, so I'm not too happy that her elbow is basically touching mine. So the bartender comes over and of course she's friends with her because all drunks know each other. She then says (to the bartender) "Hey did I pay you last night???" And the bartender just nods her head and says "What, you don't remember?" To which the woman just starts cackling like she is the coolest thing since yo yo's and repeating it to her friends. It's like, "Lady, you're like 40 years old, and you think you're cool because you got shitfaced and forgot everything that you did?" Oh yeah, most of us feel the same way, AND THEN WE TURN NINETEEN. And as far as I can tell with this woman, it happens every day/night. And she probably goes home with a different guy every night. I can just tell. That's when you know you're winning at life. Carver scum.
The song of the day is Maps and Atlases "Perch Patchwork".
-Jenny.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I don't like shake weights.
Alright so.
I'd like to start off with last night. So, Schroeder and went out to Friday's to watch the Bruins game. We got all decked out in our jerseys and we sat at the bar pretty much from 7:30-11:00. But anyway, anybody who knows us knows that we make fun of everyone we come across. If we haven't made fun of you, then there's something wrong with you. So people come and go, and sooner or later this guy comes and sits down with his girlfriend (?). Minutes later Schroeder points out to me that this guy has in fact ordered a Smirnoff Ice, which of course, only means one thing. He's gay.
So we have our laughs and I tell Schroeder that I will give him all the money in my bank account if he asks that guy "did that come with a tampon?" But he didn't. Would have been funny though.
Then it came to a point where we were making fun of him with the bartender. He had left of course, which is the perfect time to make fun of someone. Right when they leave. She was laughing because she had to say "Would you like another Smirnoff Ice?" and try to keep a straight face. Which, from what I can assume, is not an easy thing to do. If I was the bartender (Thank the lord I am not), I would have simply said something like "Would you like another water? I mean...Smirnoff Ice?" or "Would you want a purse to put that in? In case you don't finish it?"
But anyway. I found out that my oldest sister bakes brownies and then falls asleep. I mean she falls asleep right after she puts them in the oven.
#1) You are almost 26 years old, bud.
#2) It is 9:00 pm.
#3) You could have burned this house down and killed the entire family.
I'm not saying it is irresponsible, because I know that when you're tired, falling asleep is involuntary. What I'm saying is when you're bedtime is the same as an eight year old's, NO BAKING AFTER DUSK.
She should never live alone. I'm scared if she does.
This morning I was sitting outside with my other sister, Lucy. We discovered that she had a tiny tiny tiny tiny inch worm on her leg. There is something about an inch worm that fascinates me. I love the way they walk. So she decides to keep it there, and we watch it for a good 15 minutes. And because of the way it walked, Lucy named it "Scrunchy". Apparently it was either that or "Sticky Legs". She decided to go for the name that reminds me of the 1990s hair accessory that if anyone was caught dead wearing now, would be made fun of mercilessly. Oh wait. My mom still wears scrunchies.
Star Wars is on Spike TV right now. It's the one where Anakin becomes Darth Vader. It makes me think of the tee shirt I have that has Darth Vader on it saying "Sith Happens". HAHA. You know you're jealous. YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY.
This morning it was me, Lucy, and Schroeder. We noticed that my mother was taking a shower outside. Now, during the summer, we usually have a curtain for the shower, so you can take showers in your birthday gear. But we were sure that the curtain wasn't out yet. So we were like "mom are you NAKED?!" and she was like "NO!" and then we were like...yeah she definitely is. So then she is walking around with just a towel on, and we were like "did you seriously just take a naked shower out in the open?!"
But apparently she had put the curtain up. So, it's okay.
There is just something about taking a naked shower outside that creeps me out. My mom doesn't get creeped out though.
-Jenny
I'd like to start off with last night. So, Schroeder and went out to Friday's to watch the Bruins game. We got all decked out in our jerseys and we sat at the bar pretty much from 7:30-11:00. But anyway, anybody who knows us knows that we make fun of everyone we come across. If we haven't made fun of you, then there's something wrong with you. So people come and go, and sooner or later this guy comes and sits down with his girlfriend (?). Minutes later Schroeder points out to me that this guy has in fact ordered a Smirnoff Ice, which of course, only means one thing. He's gay.
So we have our laughs and I tell Schroeder that I will give him all the money in my bank account if he asks that guy "did that come with a tampon?" But he didn't. Would have been funny though.
Then it came to a point where we were making fun of him with the bartender. He had left of course, which is the perfect time to make fun of someone. Right when they leave. She was laughing because she had to say "Would you like another Smirnoff Ice?" and try to keep a straight face. Which, from what I can assume, is not an easy thing to do. If I was the bartender (Thank the lord I am not), I would have simply said something like "Would you like another water? I mean...Smirnoff Ice?" or "Would you want a purse to put that in? In case you don't finish it?"
But anyway. I found out that my oldest sister bakes brownies and then falls asleep. I mean she falls asleep right after she puts them in the oven.
#1) You are almost 26 years old, bud.
#2) It is 9:00 pm.
#3) You could have burned this house down and killed the entire family.
I'm not saying it is irresponsible, because I know that when you're tired, falling asleep is involuntary. What I'm saying is when you're bedtime is the same as an eight year old's, NO BAKING AFTER DUSK.
She should never live alone. I'm scared if she does.
This morning I was sitting outside with my other sister, Lucy. We discovered that she had a tiny tiny tiny tiny inch worm on her leg. There is something about an inch worm that fascinates me. I love the way they walk. So she decides to keep it there, and we watch it for a good 15 minutes. And because of the way it walked, Lucy named it "Scrunchy". Apparently it was either that or "Sticky Legs". She decided to go for the name that reminds me of the 1990s hair accessory that if anyone was caught dead wearing now, would be made fun of mercilessly. Oh wait. My mom still wears scrunchies.
Star Wars is on Spike TV right now. It's the one where Anakin becomes Darth Vader. It makes me think of the tee shirt I have that has Darth Vader on it saying "Sith Happens". HAHA. You know you're jealous. YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY.
This morning it was me, Lucy, and Schroeder. We noticed that my mother was taking a shower outside. Now, during the summer, we usually have a curtain for the shower, so you can take showers in your birthday gear. But we were sure that the curtain wasn't out yet. So we were like "mom are you NAKED?!" and she was like "NO!" and then we were like...yeah she definitely is. So then she is walking around with just a towel on, and we were like "did you seriously just take a naked shower out in the open?!"
But apparently she had put the curtain up. So, it's okay.
There is just something about taking a naked shower outside that creeps me out. My mom doesn't get creeped out though.
-Jenny
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"Do you still have Diabetes?"
So a funny thing happened last night. My boyfriend Linus had just gotten three fish and was incredibly excited about them, so when I went to his house, he just had to show me. So, I'm looking at the tank, and I'm saying the usual..."Oh, cute!" and "OOOO look at that one" and then I notice one of them not moving. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that this fish is pretty fucking dead. Like, this fish bit the big one. When I see that Linus is starting to notice that this fish is now swimming with God, I do what any good girlfriend would do. So, of course I throw out a "Oh...it's sleeping." As if that's going to change anyone's mind.
I guess this phrase would have had more of an effect if I didn't start laughing after I said it.
The funny part was, it became the funniest story of the night. He told everyone at the house, and they all laughed. I felt bad, I really did. But, there's just something about not being able to keep a fish alive for two days that is just hilarious.
I remember when I was six years old, all I wanted was a turtle. So, one birthday, my cousin happened to catch a little turtle for me and I kept it as my pet. I had a big tank and everything. I was so happy. The only problem was, I had no friggin idea how to take care of it. (Hence, me being six years old.) So one day, I came home from the first grade and I trampled up to my room "tra la la la" and I was all like "OH YEAH! I have a pet turtle! I wonder how he's been doing these past few days?" and when I looked into the tank I noticed that "Speedy" (that's what I named him, yeah, real original) was in fact, dead as a doornail. I don't mean dead as in he simply passed away, I mean dead as in Speedy's EYES were dried out. His whole body was dried out, and he wasn't Speedy anymore, he was an empty shell. He was a ghost. So I went and informed my mom about Speedy's death, and then I went out to play.
I was like "hey, mom, get that tank out of my room willya?"
I think I care much more about him now than I did back then. I would love to have a turtle now. An alive one.
Because all we have for pets right now are two cats. One of course, I adore. The other, I hate. She's not even our cat, she is a stray. She pretty much comes into our house to eat and that's it, and she doesn't even like to do that. She'll scratch on the door and then when we open it to let her in, she runs away. I yell and swear at her all the time, because it makes me feel better. Maybe it's the lifelong image i'll have in my head of her being a complete whore. This is because I saw her having sexual intercourse with another cat. So now, every time I see her coming out of the woods, I'll say "Did you just have some sex?! Whore." When she finally comes inside, nobody can make a goddamn noise or she'll flip her shit and start running away. It's like "OH I'M SORRY, I ATE A POTATO CHIP A FEW FEET AWAY FROM YOU. DON'T BE SCARED."
This is the cat that I almost hit pulling up in the driveway one day. And was a little disappointed that I didn't.
The song of the day is "Young" by the Summer Set.
-Jenny
I guess this phrase would have had more of an effect if I didn't start laughing after I said it.
The funny part was, it became the funniest story of the night. He told everyone at the house, and they all laughed. I felt bad, I really did. But, there's just something about not being able to keep a fish alive for two days that is just hilarious.
I remember when I was six years old, all I wanted was a turtle. So, one birthday, my cousin happened to catch a little turtle for me and I kept it as my pet. I had a big tank and everything. I was so happy. The only problem was, I had no friggin idea how to take care of it. (Hence, me being six years old.) So one day, I came home from the first grade and I trampled up to my room "tra la la la" and I was all like "OH YEAH! I have a pet turtle! I wonder how he's been doing these past few days?" and when I looked into the tank I noticed that "Speedy" (that's what I named him, yeah, real original) was in fact, dead as a doornail. I don't mean dead as in he simply passed away, I mean dead as in Speedy's EYES were dried out. His whole body was dried out, and he wasn't Speedy anymore, he was an empty shell. He was a ghost. So I went and informed my mom about Speedy's death, and then I went out to play.
I was like "hey, mom, get that tank out of my room willya?"
I think I care much more about him now than I did back then. I would love to have a turtle now. An alive one.
Because all we have for pets right now are two cats. One of course, I adore. The other, I hate. She's not even our cat, she is a stray. She pretty much comes into our house to eat and that's it, and she doesn't even like to do that. She'll scratch on the door and then when we open it to let her in, she runs away. I yell and swear at her all the time, because it makes me feel better. Maybe it's the lifelong image i'll have in my head of her being a complete whore. This is because I saw her having sexual intercourse with another cat. So now, every time I see her coming out of the woods, I'll say "Did you just have some sex?! Whore." When she finally comes inside, nobody can make a goddamn noise or she'll flip her shit and start running away. It's like "OH I'M SORRY, I ATE A POTATO CHIP A FEW FEET AWAY FROM YOU. DON'T BE SCARED."
This is the cat that I almost hit pulling up in the driveway one day. And was a little disappointed that I didn't.
The song of the day is "Young" by the Summer Set.
-Jenny
Sunday, May 1, 2011
"you'll love this song Jen, it's about sex."
So this is the way it's always been between my sisters and I. Lucy and I are more of the "mellow" ones, kinda relaxing most of the time and not really needing to do much. Sally, on the other hand, needs to be doing something at every minute. The only thing I can really compare her to is a goddamn hummingbird.
So it's Sunday morning and upon waking up, I look at the clock and realize it's 10:30. Everything around the house seems quiet, so I have a feeling that Lucy was still sleeping as well. It was one of those mornings where you just feel like staying in bed. Which is exactly what me (and Lucy in the next room) were doing. Then, the worst thing imaginable happens.
Sally's pitter patter up the stairs. And then when I wonder who's room she'll choose first, I already know it's mine. And the funny thing is, she doesn't knock, she just busts in. But it seems as though she doesn't even turn the doorknob when she opens the door. It just sounds like she breaks the door in half upon entering.
So anyway, there's nothing worse than waking up to Sally's high pitched voice in the morning. It's like the kind of voice that only dogs can hear. Upon waking up, sometimes I'm like "oh my god, that's a really annoying bird outside my window, somebody should shoot it." But then I realize it's just my sister. So she comes in, starts talking in this voice, sits down and starts eating some food that I had in my room. Then, the questions come.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY?! WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING FUN! WHAT'S LUCY DOING? IS SHE STILL SLEEPING?! WAKE UP, LET'S GO!"
It is here that I usually think about throwing Sally off of my balcony. But instead, I do what any good sister would do. I tell her to go bother Lucy. Which she does. And seeing as how our rooms are right next to each other, I can hear their conversation. It didn't go well, and it led to Sally coming back into my room. I did what any good person would do, which is to advise her on the rules of talking to people while they are still in the stages of waking up.
This is what I said: "You know, maybe you should wait until people wake up before you start being wicked fucking annoying." To which her only response was to crack up in laughter.
This is what we look like on a good day. We love each other, we really do.
Anyway, let's go to another liquor store story. So it appears that I have become a regular, to which I have no surprise. But what I didn't know was that I'm starting to get discounts because of it. It's like......"Your wine costs you 12 dollars? Well MINE costs me 10 dollars because I'm a favorite here." I really should not be proud of this fact, but I kind of am. Especially when the cashier greets you BY NAME when you walk in and then says "9.99, just for you" when you're buying a 12 dollar bottle of wine.
There's nothing worse than having a Black Eyed Peas song stuck in your head all day. And I mean ANY Black Eyed Peas song.
Something I've been doing lately: I've been falling asleep to my TV, and I hate it. I hate it because I fall asleep to a show that I chose to watch, such as American Dad or That 70s Show, and then I half wake up at about 3-4 in the morning to some scary friggin show. It's like some weird ass show or movie that's on and I'm not really fully awake so I have no idea what the HELL is going on. Most of the time I think it's a dream, but then when I'm so scared because of the weird shit that's going down on the TV, I grope around for the clicker to turn it off. But it's like, when I fall asleep to the TV, it's like "OF COURSE this is the night they decide to play Final Destination 3 at FOUR in the morning. And I wake up in a fog right where the rollercoaster part is taking place." Come on now.
I'm just saying. There's nothing fun about falling asleep to a nice TV program and then randomly waking up in the wee hours of the morning to people screaming and dying in awful ways while you desperately try and find the remote. I almost pee my pants every time.
Here you go.
-Jenny
So it's Sunday morning and upon waking up, I look at the clock and realize it's 10:30. Everything around the house seems quiet, so I have a feeling that Lucy was still sleeping as well. It was one of those mornings where you just feel like staying in bed. Which is exactly what me (and Lucy in the next room) were doing. Then, the worst thing imaginable happens.
Sally's pitter patter up the stairs. And then when I wonder who's room she'll choose first, I already know it's mine. And the funny thing is, she doesn't knock, she just busts in. But it seems as though she doesn't even turn the doorknob when she opens the door. It just sounds like she breaks the door in half upon entering.
So anyway, there's nothing worse than waking up to Sally's high pitched voice in the morning. It's like the kind of voice that only dogs can hear. Upon waking up, sometimes I'm like "oh my god, that's a really annoying bird outside my window, somebody should shoot it." But then I realize it's just my sister. So she comes in, starts talking in this voice, sits down and starts eating some food that I had in my room. Then, the questions come.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY?! WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING FUN! WHAT'S LUCY DOING? IS SHE STILL SLEEPING?! WAKE UP, LET'S GO!"
It is here that I usually think about throwing Sally off of my balcony. But instead, I do what any good sister would do. I tell her to go bother Lucy. Which she does. And seeing as how our rooms are right next to each other, I can hear their conversation. It didn't go well, and it led to Sally coming back into my room. I did what any good person would do, which is to advise her on the rules of talking to people while they are still in the stages of waking up.
This is what I said: "You know, maybe you should wait until people wake up before you start being wicked fucking annoying." To which her only response was to crack up in laughter.
Anyway, let's go to another liquor store story. So it appears that I have become a regular, to which I have no surprise. But what I didn't know was that I'm starting to get discounts because of it. It's like......"Your wine costs you 12 dollars? Well MINE costs me 10 dollars because I'm a favorite here." I really should not be proud of this fact, but I kind of am. Especially when the cashier greets you BY NAME when you walk in and then says "9.99, just for you" when you're buying a 12 dollar bottle of wine.
There's nothing worse than having a Black Eyed Peas song stuck in your head all day. And I mean ANY Black Eyed Peas song.
Something I've been doing lately: I've been falling asleep to my TV, and I hate it. I hate it because I fall asleep to a show that I chose to watch, such as American Dad or That 70s Show, and then I half wake up at about 3-4 in the morning to some scary friggin show. It's like some weird ass show or movie that's on and I'm not really fully awake so I have no idea what the HELL is going on. Most of the time I think it's a dream, but then when I'm so scared because of the weird shit that's going down on the TV, I grope around for the clicker to turn it off. But it's like, when I fall asleep to the TV, it's like "OF COURSE this is the night they decide to play Final Destination 3 at FOUR in the morning. And I wake up in a fog right where the rollercoaster part is taking place." Come on now.
I'm just saying. There's nothing fun about falling asleep to a nice TV program and then randomly waking up in the wee hours of the morning to people screaming and dying in awful ways while you desperately try and find the remote. I almost pee my pants every time.
Here you go.
-Jenny
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