So I feel like I have a lot of anger lately. I won't name any names, cough EVERYONE cough. But the thing I realized is that I must have a lot of pent up anger, because of the fact that during a "ping pong paddle" fight with my boyfriend Linus, I broke one hitting him with it. I'm talking like...the paddle itself broke off from the handle. Just smashing him with it broke it in two upon impact. Of course, this provided a fit of laughter from both of us (me actually almost peeing). Needless to say, I think I need to take it easy before I kill somebody.
So...snow huh? I had no idea it was going to snow tonight so I went on about my night in light, canvas shoes. Of course, they got wet. And of course, they soaked through to my socks, which are attached to my feet. And my shitty ass Volvo's heat only works when it feels like it, so my feet were frozen the whole time. It seems whenever it snows, I am somehow wearing CLOTH sneakers.
It seems as though I am not allowed to upload pictures anymore. This saddens me, because I have a shit ton of funny pictures to post on here.
I was cleaning my room (somewhat) today and towards the end, when the floor was clean (my dust bunnies HAD dust bunnies) and all the crap was cleared off my chair (I am a slob, chairs are for sitting, not piling clothes and books on), I decided to put a new poster up. So I am shifting photos and upon taking one down, I see this huge dent in my wall, and suddenly I realize why I put the picture there in the first place. This is what it looks like:
I was going to insert the picture here, but I cannot. I totally forgot. GAY! WHORES!
ANYWAY. There is a dent in my wall, then a smaller one below it. Then, there are two holes. What happened you ask? Well I will tell you.
This was definitely a Wednesday night, when Schroeder and I were eighteen years old. We decided that it would be bad freakin ass if we had a bottle opener on my wall in my room. That way, we could open beers in my ROOM rather than DOWNSTAIRS! It was a genius plan, obvi. So we bought one, and Schroeder is attempting to nail it to the wall in my room, but he has no freaking clue to what he's doing. Like always. Like the time we were baking cookies and he told me since we had no vegetable oil to use something else (I forget what, but I listened to him) and then my cookies came out like big pancakes. Anyway, already having a few beers, he has a hammer and he is trying to find a good spot to put it, but he's just banging away at my wall. It's funny now because when he would create a dent, we would collapse into giggles and he would said something like "OHP! It's not gonna work right there." and I would say something like "that's what POSTERS are FOR!!!" Typical solution for us.
Eventually we gave up and nailed it to the outside of the house. Good, right?
The other night I watched Black Swan and had ice cream while doing it. I planned it all day and I was so excited. So I get vanilla ice cream, and I heat up some hot fudge to pour all over it. Then, I bring it up to my room and start eating it while I am watching the movie. Sounds awesome, right? Then, I'm all like "Why is my ice cream melting so goddamn fast?" and I was really flabbergasted and puzzled by this for a few minutes. Then I said to myself "Goddammit Jen, it was the HOT FUDGE you put on it. That is why it is melting." Because putting hot things on ice cream can assist in the melting process. These are facts.
Well, seeing as how I cannot upload any goddamn pictures, I will leave.
-Jenny
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Eating stuff off the ground
I just got home from work and you know what I saw? Apparently they make cards FOR humans FROM cats. Ummm........
As much as I would love for my cat to be able to talk to me, I've accepted the fact that she cannot. Because I am somewhat sane. I think that these cards are for crazy old women who believe that their nine hundred cats can talk to them. And be all like, "It's my birthdayyyyy! Who got me a birthday cardddddd? AWWW thank you Tabitha!" And the cat's probably just sitting there like....."yeah okay whatever you crazy bitch, why don't you get some human friends?"
For me, I just take funny pictures with my cat.
And I DON'T get upset when she doesn't go to the market and buy me a birthday card.
So the other day I was in Sally's room hanging out with her and upon walking in, I saw that she had accidentally knocked over a bunch of stuff and just neglected to pick it up. One of these things was a bag of M&Ms. So they were scattered all over the floor. Then, after a while, Schroeder comes in and sees the M&Ms on the floor and asked what happened there. Then, he proceeds to pick them up and eat them off of the floor. It was funny and all, but then he continued to do so for approximately the next fifteen minutes. I'm pretty sure he ate all of them, or close to all of them. I guess it's not that bad, but he apparently forgot that this was Sally's floor, and God knows WHAT has been there.
For some reason this reminds me of a time when Schroeder bit a beer bottle cap off. If it was a twist off, it wouldn't have been so impressive. Well maybe a little. But it was a Heineken bottle and those mofos are NOT twist off caps. So when we were eighteen years old we thought it was cool to drink a shit ton of beers every wednesday night, because we thought that made us rebels. We were probably like "Yeah! we have SCHOOL tomorrow morning but we're gonna get drunk ANYWAY!" which, looking back on, probably made us the biggest geeks in the world. But anyway. We had a bit of beer and Schroeder decides to BITE the cap off. Watching him do this, I was pretty sure I was going to hear a crack, and it WOULDN'T have been the beer cap. I thought about making up a story about how I punched him and that is why he had no front tooth. I thought it would make me seem so cool.
So finally, I hear the hiss of the beer opening and I am in complete shock. I'm pretty sure I exclaimed, "OH MY GOD, THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I WILL EVER SEE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE." and i'm not really sure, but I think it still holds true.
anyway, that is all.
-Jenny.
As much as I would love for my cat to be able to talk to me, I've accepted the fact that she cannot. Because I am somewhat sane. I think that these cards are for crazy old women who believe that their nine hundred cats can talk to them. And be all like, "It's my birthdayyyyy! Who got me a birthday cardddddd? AWWW thank you Tabitha!" And the cat's probably just sitting there like....."yeah okay whatever you crazy bitch, why don't you get some human friends?"
For me, I just take funny pictures with my cat.
And I DON'T get upset when she doesn't go to the market and buy me a birthday card.
So the other day I was in Sally's room hanging out with her and upon walking in, I saw that she had accidentally knocked over a bunch of stuff and just neglected to pick it up. One of these things was a bag of M&Ms. So they were scattered all over the floor. Then, after a while, Schroeder comes in and sees the M&Ms on the floor and asked what happened there. Then, he proceeds to pick them up and eat them off of the floor. It was funny and all, but then he continued to do so for approximately the next fifteen minutes. I'm pretty sure he ate all of them, or close to all of them. I guess it's not that bad, but he apparently forgot that this was Sally's floor, and God knows WHAT has been there.
For some reason this reminds me of a time when Schroeder bit a beer bottle cap off. If it was a twist off, it wouldn't have been so impressive. Well maybe a little. But it was a Heineken bottle and those mofos are NOT twist off caps. So when we were eighteen years old we thought it was cool to drink a shit ton of beers every wednesday night, because we thought that made us rebels. We were probably like "Yeah! we have SCHOOL tomorrow morning but we're gonna get drunk ANYWAY!" which, looking back on, probably made us the biggest geeks in the world. But anyway. We had a bit of beer and Schroeder decides to BITE the cap off. Watching him do this, I was pretty sure I was going to hear a crack, and it WOULDN'T have been the beer cap. I thought about making up a story about how I punched him and that is why he had no front tooth. I thought it would make me seem so cool.
So finally, I hear the hiss of the beer opening and I am in complete shock. I'm pretty sure I exclaimed, "OH MY GOD, THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I WILL EVER SEE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE." and i'm not really sure, but I think it still holds true.
anyway, that is all.
-Jenny.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Butcher shops smell like dead animals. Oh wait...
So every weekend my two sisters take over the kitchen and just cook a billion things. They Martha Stewart that shit up. On Saturday, (before she sobbed while watching the movie Nights in Rodanthe) she made minestrone soup. The last time she made it, she thought it was the greatest thing ever. She would say things like, "I did SUCH a good JOB!" and "You HAVE to try this, I made it so good!" So this time when she made it, she tried to get me to try some of it. Of course I tell her Hell no, because the only soup that I will ever eat is chicken noodle. But when she asks me WHY I won't try it, I simply reply with "because it looks like throw up and I don't eat things that look like throw up because I might throw up."
Case closed.
Anyway, then I went to a butcher shop with Lucy, deciding it would be best to leave Sally and her minestrone soup alone for a while. But the second we walk in, the only thing I could pay attention to was the stench. Now, I know that dead animals smell bad, but still. And looking around, there was a lot of goddamn meat. Like, big heaping mounds of MEAT. It made me feel bad for a second, because if I COULD be a vegetarian, I WOULD. But in all honesty, I could never do that because I eat meat like it's the last thing on earth. But I think the funny part about all this is the fact that Lucy ordered Lamb chops. Then she came home and googled recipes for "lamp chops" and google said "did you mean recipes for lamb chops?" and she said yes.
On the ride home she was trying to figure out if she had to go to Shaw's. I didn't want to go so she was like "I don't think I NEED to go right now, I'll just go later." But then a few seconds later she said this: "Oh nevermind, I have to go now. I want a Red Bull. And I need Peas."
Peas, Red Bull, and lamb chops. Sounds like a party in the tummy. Or a REALLY bad idea.
Sally and Schroeder were playing a game on NHL 11 tonight and it is here that I heard my sister (who teaches first grade) call Schroeder a name I have NEVER heard before, but will never forget. And it was this:
"Mothercrapper".
It's funny how teachers' language changes. It gets all boring and less colorful and not funny. Although saying "mothercrapper" when you get angry is pretty goddamn funny. Kind of like shouting out "WHORES" when you drop something. True story. It's kind of like you have tourettes (I spelled this wrong I think, the red line is showing up.) Sometimes I wish I had tourettes, because then I could shout out funny profane words and not get in trouble for it. Because when you shout out "ASSBAG" or "WHORES", people start to look at you funny. Just sayin.
Here's this.
This kid opened for Owl City when I went to see them. He calls himself Unicorn Kid and he always performs with a Lion hat on. And apparently, as you can see in the video, he really gets into his music. I hope that's it, because if that wasn't the case, I would say that he was having some sort of seizure.
I think that's all there is to say, except for the fact that we were all making fun of Sally and she said that she thought we were complimenting her, saying "her hair smells like sunshine." If she wants us to compliment her, I feel like giving her one that actually makes some sort of sense would be better.
-Jenny
Case closed.
Anyway, then I went to a butcher shop with Lucy, deciding it would be best to leave Sally and her minestrone soup alone for a while. But the second we walk in, the only thing I could pay attention to was the stench. Now, I know that dead animals smell bad, but still. And looking around, there was a lot of goddamn meat. Like, big heaping mounds of MEAT. It made me feel bad for a second, because if I COULD be a vegetarian, I WOULD. But in all honesty, I could never do that because I eat meat like it's the last thing on earth. But I think the funny part about all this is the fact that Lucy ordered Lamb chops. Then she came home and googled recipes for "lamp chops" and google said "did you mean recipes for lamb chops?" and she said yes.
On the ride home she was trying to figure out if she had to go to Shaw's. I didn't want to go so she was like "I don't think I NEED to go right now, I'll just go later." But then a few seconds later she said this: "Oh nevermind, I have to go now. I want a Red Bull. And I need Peas."
Peas, Red Bull, and lamb chops. Sounds like a party in the tummy. Or a REALLY bad idea.
Sally and Schroeder were playing a game on NHL 11 tonight and it is here that I heard my sister (who teaches first grade) call Schroeder a name I have NEVER heard before, but will never forget. And it was this:
"Mothercrapper".
It's funny how teachers' language changes. It gets all boring and less colorful and not funny. Although saying "mothercrapper" when you get angry is pretty goddamn funny. Kind of like shouting out "WHORES" when you drop something. True story. It's kind of like you have tourettes (I spelled this wrong I think, the red line is showing up.) Sometimes I wish I had tourettes, because then I could shout out funny profane words and not get in trouble for it. Because when you shout out "ASSBAG" or "WHORES", people start to look at you funny. Just sayin.
Here's this.
This kid opened for Owl City when I went to see them. He calls himself Unicorn Kid and he always performs with a Lion hat on. And apparently, as you can see in the video, he really gets into his music. I hope that's it, because if that wasn't the case, I would say that he was having some sort of seizure.
I think that's all there is to say, except for the fact that we were all making fun of Sally and she said that she thought we were complimenting her, saying "her hair smells like sunshine." If she wants us to compliment her, I feel like giving her one that actually makes some sort of sense would be better.
-Jenny
Friday, March 25, 2011
I made myself CRY from LAUGHING so hard at something that I did..
Last summer, everyone was sitting by the pool listening to music. We had a Frank Sinatra CD in pretty much all day. Towards the evening, my dad brings out a new CD and claims that he "was getting tired of Frank Sinatra". What did he decide to put on instead?
Michael Buble. What kind of songs does Michael Buble cover? Frank Sinatra songs.
Sometimes...words cannot describe...the madness.
It was really funny because the other day I was with my sister Lucy and my boyfriend Linus and we were wondering when Sally was going to get home from work. So Lucy says, "Do you think she's hanging out in her classroom putting glue on her face?" which is amazingly funny because of the movie "Billy Madison." In the movie, Adam Sandler has the craziest, most hippiest first grade teacher, named Miss Lippy. When he decides to ditch recess and come back into the classroom, he catches Miss Lippy listening to some weird tribal music and doing some sort of rain dance, (or that was my interpretation of it.) Then, as the movie goes on, Adam Sandler is staying after school to clap some erasers and she is in the background putting glue on her face with a popsicle stick. Imagining my sister Sally doing this makes me laugh like there's no tomorrow.
Anyway, I'm going back to my "Carver really grinds my gears" topic because I was leaving work the other day and I was picking up something for that night. So here I am at the self checkouts and I look to the side of me (at the other self checkout) and I see this man with a purse. And I'm not talking like a "satchel" or like a "man bag", I'm talking full on LADIES purse. I didn't want to stare because I didn't want to get shot (like the man with the purse would shoot anyone, he probably doesn't even carry a gun in the purse, probably just some mints, a fake phone, a voodoo doll with pins stuck in it, and some tampons.) But as I was walking out, I legit saw him throw it over his shoulder and start walking away.
I mean like, really. I know Carver is a weird place, but a PURSE?! I guess some people could argue that this man was doing his wife a favor and going in to pick up a few things and she could have pulled the old "just take my purse" rigamarole, but I have a feeling this was highly doubtful. Because men who are forced to carry women's purses always hold them awkwardly, not throw them over their shoulders, whip their hair back, and put their hand on their hip. Okay, their hair whipping and the hand on the hip never happened, but still.
Woulda been funny.
Speaking of funny, I seem to think it's funny that last week when Schroeder was over, I was going pee (in the bathroom) and he came down the hallway and this is how our conversation went:
Schroeder: "Hey, are you going #2?!"
Me: "No!"
Schroeder: "Then what the Hell are you doing?!"
Me: "I went pee...and now I'm just THINKING!"
So of course, throughout the day, every time I peed he would yell through the door "hey quit thinking in there!" But honestly, sometimes it's a peaceful place. Because after all, nobody follows you into the bathroom. And if they did, you'd have quite the problem. Just sayin.
Anyway, here's this.
People think I'm weird, but I don't know why they would say that?
-Jenny
Michael Buble. What kind of songs does Michael Buble cover? Frank Sinatra songs.
Sometimes...words cannot describe...the madness.
It was really funny because the other day I was with my sister Lucy and my boyfriend Linus and we were wondering when Sally was going to get home from work. So Lucy says, "Do you think she's hanging out in her classroom putting glue on her face?" which is amazingly funny because of the movie "Billy Madison." In the movie, Adam Sandler has the craziest, most hippiest first grade teacher, named Miss Lippy. When he decides to ditch recess and come back into the classroom, he catches Miss Lippy listening to some weird tribal music and doing some sort of rain dance, (or that was my interpretation of it.) Then, as the movie goes on, Adam Sandler is staying after school to clap some erasers and she is in the background putting glue on her face with a popsicle stick. Imagining my sister Sally doing this makes me laugh like there's no tomorrow.
Anyway, I'm going back to my "Carver really grinds my gears" topic because I was leaving work the other day and I was picking up something for that night. So here I am at the self checkouts and I look to the side of me (at the other self checkout) and I see this man with a purse. And I'm not talking like a "satchel" or like a "man bag", I'm talking full on LADIES purse. I didn't want to stare because I didn't want to get shot (like the man with the purse would shoot anyone, he probably doesn't even carry a gun in the purse, probably just some mints, a fake phone, a voodoo doll with pins stuck in it, and some tampons.) But as I was walking out, I legit saw him throw it over his shoulder and start walking away.
I mean like, really. I know Carver is a weird place, but a PURSE?! I guess some people could argue that this man was doing his wife a favor and going in to pick up a few things and she could have pulled the old "just take my purse" rigamarole, but I have a feeling this was highly doubtful. Because men who are forced to carry women's purses always hold them awkwardly, not throw them over their shoulders, whip their hair back, and put their hand on their hip. Okay, their hair whipping and the hand on the hip never happened, but still.
Woulda been funny.
Speaking of funny, I seem to think it's funny that last week when Schroeder was over, I was going pee (in the bathroom) and he came down the hallway and this is how our conversation went:
Schroeder: "Hey, are you going #2?!"
Me: "No!"
Schroeder: "Then what the Hell are you doing?!"
Me: "I went pee...and now I'm just THINKING!"
So of course, throughout the day, every time I peed he would yell through the door "hey quit thinking in there!" But honestly, sometimes it's a peaceful place. Because after all, nobody follows you into the bathroom. And if they did, you'd have quite the problem. Just sayin.
Anyway, here's this.
People think I'm weird, but I don't know why they would say that?
-Jenny
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"Did you hear that?!" No. "Yeah neither did I."
It was brought to my attention today that people are ASSHOLES.
and speaking of "ass", I've found that in a period of anger, I randomly shout the word "assbag". I do not know what this means, but I realized that yes, it is hilarious.
For instance, I was trying to get a compact disc from the pile on my desk, and the pile fell into an empty wine glass that had been there for a week. The glass shattered on my floor and as I threw the CDs as well on the ground in a fit of rage, I indeed shouted "ASSBAG!" Then I giggled a little bit.
I took this picture while working tonight.
Okay, it's a little small. But funny thing, they spelled "bagels" right the first time, then they spelled it "bagles." Good heavens, I cannot work here anymore. Honest mistake, yeah I guess. But have you retards ever heard of PROOFREADING? No. No you have not. This is why you work in a goddamn grocery store.
I'm adding this picture only because it's funny. She punched me. Look at that fist.
Tonight I told one of my friends that she doesn't have hands, she has "claws". Because she is very short. Like, hobbit short. She also has tiny feet and tiny hands. And tiny fingers. And she has long nails, so her hands actually LOOK like legit CLAWS. She reminds me of a dinosaur; little dino arms.
I hate burping with my mouth closed. Then it goes way up and out my nose.
So I am currently driving my car with no power steering. What's funny is that when I turn the wheel, (when I actually find the STRENGTH to) it sounds like whales moaning. Like, it sounds like the TITANIC going down. It sounds like Hippos during mating season. I actually laugh when this happens. Because if I don't laugh, I'll cry. That seems to be the quote of my life.
ANYWAY- here's this.
It's an apple-pumpkin snowman. A frightened-apple-pumpkin-snowman? I don't know what he was looking at, but he looks very surprised or frightened. This look only reminds me of one thing. Somebody mooned him. He is looking at somebody's naked ass when this picture was taken. That's the only explanation.
It reminds me of a time where me and Schroeder were about five years old. He lived on a somewhat busy street. One day, we were just hanging out in the driveway UNSUPERVISED. (Sidebar: curious as of to why we were ALWAYS unsupervised? It's probably because my mom and Schroeder's mom would always "catch up" ((gossip about who was a slut and who was banging who and who was sleeping with who's husband), while drinking "coffee" ((wine coolers poured INTO coffee mugs.))
Here is how their conversations probably went most of the time: (I'm going to go ahead and call Schroeder's mother Peppermint Patty.)
Peppermint Patty: Did you hear that they might make wine coolers in twelve packs now?
Woodstock: Oh awesome! Not like we drink them out of the bottle anyway, they taste so much better in coffee mugs! Maybe it tastes better because the kids have no idea we are drinking wine!
Peppermint Patty: What kids?
Peppermint Patty and Woodstock: bahahahahaha! (they cheers the coffee mugs)
Now where was I. So Schroeder and I are in the driveway unsupervised and I'm not really sure WHAT the hell we were doing, probably just standing there all retarded-like. This car drives by and before I even know what is happening, Schroeder pulls his pants down and moons this woman behind the wheel.
Now, I don't know what is funnier. The HORRIFIED look on this woman's face as she drove by, or looking at it from her view. Imagine seeing a little boy mooning you and a little girl standing right beside him giggling with her hands over her mouth as you drive by. I'm not sure.
Mooning is funny. Having a five year old moon you is downright hilarious. I wish more than anything that there was a picture of this. There isn't.
-Jenny
and speaking of "ass", I've found that in a period of anger, I randomly shout the word "assbag". I do not know what this means, but I realized that yes, it is hilarious.
For instance, I was trying to get a compact disc from the pile on my desk, and the pile fell into an empty wine glass that had been there for a week. The glass shattered on my floor and as I threw the CDs as well on the ground in a fit of rage, I indeed shouted "ASSBAG!" Then I giggled a little bit.
I took this picture while working tonight.
I'm adding this picture only because it's funny. She punched me. Look at that fist.
Tonight I told one of my friends that she doesn't have hands, she has "claws". Because she is very short. Like, hobbit short. She also has tiny feet and tiny hands. And tiny fingers. And she has long nails, so her hands actually LOOK like legit CLAWS. She reminds me of a dinosaur; little dino arms.
I hate burping with my mouth closed. Then it goes way up and out my nose.
So I am currently driving my car with no power steering. What's funny is that when I turn the wheel, (when I actually find the STRENGTH to) it sounds like whales moaning. Like, it sounds like the TITANIC going down. It sounds like Hippos during mating season. I actually laugh when this happens. Because if I don't laugh, I'll cry. That seems to be the quote of my life.
ANYWAY- here's this.
It's an apple-pumpkin snowman. A frightened-apple-pumpkin-snowman? I don't know what he was looking at, but he looks very surprised or frightened. This look only reminds me of one thing. Somebody mooned him. He is looking at somebody's naked ass when this picture was taken. That's the only explanation.
It reminds me of a time where me and Schroeder were about five years old. He lived on a somewhat busy street. One day, we were just hanging out in the driveway UNSUPERVISED. (Sidebar: curious as of to why we were ALWAYS unsupervised? It's probably because my mom and Schroeder's mom would always "catch up" ((gossip about who was a slut and who was banging who and who was sleeping with who's husband), while drinking "coffee" ((wine coolers poured INTO coffee mugs.))
Here is how their conversations probably went most of the time: (I'm going to go ahead and call Schroeder's mother Peppermint Patty.)
Peppermint Patty: Did you hear that they might make wine coolers in twelve packs now?
Woodstock: Oh awesome! Not like we drink them out of the bottle anyway, they taste so much better in coffee mugs! Maybe it tastes better because the kids have no idea we are drinking wine!
Peppermint Patty: What kids?
Peppermint Patty and Woodstock: bahahahahaha! (they cheers the coffee mugs)
Now where was I. So Schroeder and I are in the driveway unsupervised and I'm not really sure WHAT the hell we were doing, probably just standing there all retarded-like. This car drives by and before I even know what is happening, Schroeder pulls his pants down and moons this woman behind the wheel.
Now, I don't know what is funnier. The HORRIFIED look on this woman's face as she drove by, or looking at it from her view. Imagine seeing a little boy mooning you and a little girl standing right beside him giggling with her hands over her mouth as you drive by. I'm not sure.
Mooning is funny. Having a five year old moon you is downright hilarious. I wish more than anything that there was a picture of this. There isn't.
-Jenny
Monday, March 21, 2011
I thought this turkey was chicken!
Okay so I just want to say first that my new catch phrase is going to be "SPICY TUNA!" because I said it today out of the blue when I ate something spicy. And it was not tuna.
Anyway. Tonight was the season finale of "Skins". To be honest, it was not that bad. And there was NO sex in it! Almost none. It included a fake kidnapping, a mute girl finally talks, and lesbians in a hospital bed. But here's the main thing I would like to discuss. Although it's not really discussing because I'm talking to myself.
At the end of this episode, this pothead burnout with long hair is at this club with his friends and he is trying to fix all the drama like always. Then this girl that he sort of likes comes up to him and she was all like "Stanley, (that's his name, laugh out loud) you need to just flip out. Just express yourself. Go crazy for once!" and he was all "FINE!" and you know what he does?! He goes out on the stage and grabs the mic and starts singing "Shout" by Tears For Fears. Okay.
First of all, singing a song by Tears For Fears? Really? You smoke weed more than Cheech and you drink hard alcohol FROM THE BOTTLE. AND! You are sixteen years old and you decided to steal your dads car to drive around like you had a license! Which of course, you did not. And you're telling me that the first song you think of to sing in front of a club full of people is "SHOUT" BY TEARS FOR FEARS?! I do not think so. Maybe you were trying to think of a song by freakin SLIPKNOT. Or Insane Clown Posse. Or whatever the HELL burnouts listen to nowadays. Not Pink Floyd. That's for acid droppers.
But yeah, in the end, he gets two girls. I'm guessing the song he sang did it, because his bloodshot eyes and that long greasy hair of his definitely didn't. He gets the girl that his best friend was dating and that he has been in love with the whole season. THEN, he gets the girl that liked him, but he didn't like until recently. And they know about each other, which proves one thing. Girls are stupid.
Speaking of stupid, I overheard a conversation about a girl who wanted to know how to spell "autobahn". Then, two grown men were trying to help her, and they were saying silly things like "oh it's spelled a-u-t-o-b-o-n." And she was believing them. I do not know why people think spelling is so hard, but it's not. It makes me mad when people spell things wrong. That is why I'm mad at myself because last week Shroeder and I thought the word "privileged" had a D in it. I'm so ashamed.
I still think it's spelled with a D in the middle. No matter how many times the red dotted line shows up under it.
In other news, I think I may be a feminist. Don't laugh.
I realized this when I saw Sally (the same sister unwrapping all of the miniature reeses) unwrap a hershey kiss for her boyfriend before giving it to him. I had an urge to smack her. With me, it's like "YOU'VE GOT HANDS, UNWRAP THE KISS YOURSELF!" I think this makes me a feminist.
But I guess it could be love. Everybody has their own ways of expressing their love. For Sally, it's unwrapping all the candies so he doesn't have to. For me, it's just limiting the names you call people. If I love you, I just won't be AS mean to you as I am to everyone else. But as far as unwrapping candy and basically FEEDING it to you, do it yourself, goddammit.
That really seems like a strong note to go out on.
-Jenny
Anyway. Tonight was the season finale of "Skins". To be honest, it was not that bad. And there was NO sex in it! Almost none. It included a fake kidnapping, a mute girl finally talks, and lesbians in a hospital bed. But here's the main thing I would like to discuss. Although it's not really discussing because I'm talking to myself.
At the end of this episode, this pothead burnout with long hair is at this club with his friends and he is trying to fix all the drama like always. Then this girl that he sort of likes comes up to him and she was all like "Stanley, (that's his name, laugh out loud) you need to just flip out. Just express yourself. Go crazy for once!" and he was all "FINE!" and you know what he does?! He goes out on the stage and grabs the mic and starts singing "Shout" by Tears For Fears. Okay.
First of all, singing a song by Tears For Fears? Really? You smoke weed more than Cheech and you drink hard alcohol FROM THE BOTTLE. AND! You are sixteen years old and you decided to steal your dads car to drive around like you had a license! Which of course, you did not. And you're telling me that the first song you think of to sing in front of a club full of people is "SHOUT" BY TEARS FOR FEARS?! I do not think so. Maybe you were trying to think of a song by freakin SLIPKNOT. Or Insane Clown Posse. Or whatever the HELL burnouts listen to nowadays. Not Pink Floyd. That's for acid droppers.
But yeah, in the end, he gets two girls. I'm guessing the song he sang did it, because his bloodshot eyes and that long greasy hair of his definitely didn't. He gets the girl that his best friend was dating and that he has been in love with the whole season. THEN, he gets the girl that liked him, but he didn't like until recently. And they know about each other, which proves one thing. Girls are stupid.
Speaking of stupid, I overheard a conversation about a girl who wanted to know how to spell "autobahn". Then, two grown men were trying to help her, and they were saying silly things like "oh it's spelled a-u-t-o-b-o-n." And she was believing them. I do not know why people think spelling is so hard, but it's not. It makes me mad when people spell things wrong. That is why I'm mad at myself because last week Shroeder and I thought the word "privileged" had a D in it. I'm so ashamed.
I still think it's spelled with a D in the middle. No matter how many times the red dotted line shows up under it.
In other news, I think I may be a feminist. Don't laugh.
I realized this when I saw Sally (the same sister unwrapping all of the miniature reeses) unwrap a hershey kiss for her boyfriend before giving it to him. I had an urge to smack her. With me, it's like "YOU'VE GOT HANDS, UNWRAP THE KISS YOURSELF!" I think this makes me a feminist.
But I guess it could be love. Everybody has their own ways of expressing their love. For Sally, it's unwrapping all the candies so he doesn't have to. For me, it's just limiting the names you call people. If I love you, I just won't be AS mean to you as I am to everyone else. But as far as unwrapping candy and basically FEEDING it to you, do it yourself, goddammit.
That really seems like a strong note to go out on.
-Jenny
Saturday, March 19, 2011
That's an...AIRPLANE!
So. We are going back to memories of St. Martin.
The airport in St. Martin is right next to the beach we always went to. Well, not the beach we WENT to, more like the beach we drank by. It looks like this.
So, the first night we were there, my sisters, me, and our friends went out to the bar that was right by where this picture takes place. One night, everybody was having some drinks, and we decided to walk across the beach to go into town. Where we had more drinks. Then, we were walking back on the beach, when we hear this extremely loud noise (go figure) coming towards us.
Now, I understand that even though this is considered one of the world's most dangerous airports (I did some research), there is no way that the planes even touch the beach, let alone run someone over. So our friends, who come here all the time, were not frightened at all by this occurrence. But when my sisters and hear a plane coming towards us and see the bright light that's on the front of the plane, we kind of freak out.
I mean, it's reasonable. Right?
So we start yelling and flailing and running across the beach. The plane just goes over us and it turns out it was a very small plane. It was not the Air France. And our friends just laughed at us, as they were completely unphased.
But still, it's still like "that is a GODDAMN plane, and it's HEADED THIS WAY!"
You know what's funny? When the power steering on your car just shits the bed. And steering becomes equivalent to pulling a fat kid out of the mud.
So my dad makes his rum and cokes like this:
Rum=85%
Coke=15%
So when he "falls asleep" on the couch with a drink in his hand, it usually slips out of his hand and it spills everywhere. My mom constantly wakes him up and tries to take it away to put on the table, but he always takes it back, like she is trying to take away his teddy bear.
So tonight, I'm sitting on the couch and I see that my dad has fallen asleep. It is just the two of us, and I know that it will spill eventually. I received a phone call, and I went into the kitchen. It is a few minutes later that I see that my dad has woken up. Upon walking into the kitchen, I see that he is walking like he has just gotten off of a horse. Then I see that his pants are wet. And I know that it has happened.
My sister Sally used to do this with red wine. Which is obviously a very different story. Things were ruined, hearts were broken, spirits were crushed. It was anarchy.
I am not like this. I am an expert. Although that is definitely not something to be proud of.
-Jenny
The airport in St. Martin is right next to the beach we always went to. Well, not the beach we WENT to, more like the beach we drank by. It looks like this.
So, the first night we were there, my sisters, me, and our friends went out to the bar that was right by where this picture takes place. One night, everybody was having some drinks, and we decided to walk across the beach to go into town. Where we had more drinks. Then, we were walking back on the beach, when we hear this extremely loud noise (go figure) coming towards us.
Now, I understand that even though this is considered one of the world's most dangerous airports (I did some research), there is no way that the planes even touch the beach, let alone run someone over. So our friends, who come here all the time, were not frightened at all by this occurrence. But when my sisters and hear a plane coming towards us and see the bright light that's on the front of the plane, we kind of freak out.
I mean, it's reasonable. Right?
So we start yelling and flailing and running across the beach. The plane just goes over us and it turns out it was a very small plane. It was not the Air France. And our friends just laughed at us, as they were completely unphased.
But still, it's still like "that is a GODDAMN plane, and it's HEADED THIS WAY!"
You know what's funny? When the power steering on your car just shits the bed. And steering becomes equivalent to pulling a fat kid out of the mud.
So my dad makes his rum and cokes like this:
Rum=85%
Coke=15%
So when he "falls asleep" on the couch with a drink in his hand, it usually slips out of his hand and it spills everywhere. My mom constantly wakes him up and tries to take it away to put on the table, but he always takes it back, like she is trying to take away his teddy bear.
So tonight, I'm sitting on the couch and I see that my dad has fallen asleep. It is just the two of us, and I know that it will spill eventually. I received a phone call, and I went into the kitchen. It is a few minutes later that I see that my dad has woken up. Upon walking into the kitchen, I see that he is walking like he has just gotten off of a horse. Then I see that his pants are wet. And I know that it has happened.
My sister Sally used to do this with red wine. Which is obviously a very different story. Things were ruined, hearts were broken, spirits were crushed. It was anarchy.
I am not like this. I am an expert. Although that is definitely not something to be proud of.
-Jenny
Friday, March 18, 2011
"You won't have a beer with your bagel."
So I finally got my hair cut today because it was getting way too long. Not long, but long for a short hairstyle. So when I got home my dad said "what a haircut!" Now, let me just say that my dad thinks that all girls should have long hair. He only thinks this because he associates girls and short hair with lesbians.
He says that "girls with short hair cuts can suggest something about them."
To which I replied, "Only if they drive a pick up truck."
But anywho. Let's talk about MTV's "Skins" some more. Because I just love making fun of this show. The most recent episode told the story of a 22 year old teacher who was friends with all the students. She was so close with them that she was actually screwing one of them. And this boy was probably the most unattractive one on the show. The only other show that I've known to have a teacher/student affair was Miss Jacobs and Pacey on "Dawson's Creek". And let's not kid ourselves, Pacey wasn't very attractive either.
So the whole episode was about this young teacher and how she wasn't a grown up at all and how she really acted like a kid more than a teacher. Here's the best part though. At lunch in the cafeteria, she is eating with one of the students, prying her about her sex life, and this is what she is eating. A FRUIT BY THE FOOT. Now, I know that fruit by the foot is a very clever fruit snack, I sure used to love eating them. I used to unroll them and take the paper off, then pretend like it was my tongue and I would swing it around. People thought I was retarded, sure, but it was still fun. But the fact that you're getting mad because all the students aren't taking you seriously and treating you like one of them and you decide to eat a FRUIT BY THE FOOT!? It's like, yeah I wonder why nobody respects you as a teacher when you're eating a ridiculous fruit snack and having sex with a 17 year old. What you SHOULD be doing is eating a salad while reading a book by Tolstoy and having sex with somebody who DOESN'T have a bedtime. Just sayin.
Moving on. Yesterday was St. Patty's Day and for most of the day, I was with my best friend Shroeder. Now, we always say stupid crap when we hang out and we laugh almost all day, but yesterday took the cake. I cannot believe some of the things that we talked about. For example, it was really warm and sunny out, so we sat out in the backyard in the sun. Behind my house, there are swamps. So we are enjoying some rays when we hear this weird animal sound, kind of like a duck choking on a bone. So I sit up and turn to Shroeder and say "WHAT is THAT animal?!" And he turns around to face the woods and simply says "Oh, it's a MUD DUCK!" which is obviously a made up animal, but I instantly whip around to look at this mud duck. Which was not there. I don't know why I believe everything he says, I really don't. But it really did sound like a mud duck. Or a swamp duck. A duck of the wilderness.
Here is something else that happened: Of course we are having beers out in the sun. So Shroeder, being the rookie that he is, goes to take a sip of his beer and spills some of it down the front of his shirt. A few minutes later, he notices that there is a little bit of beer on the outside of the can, which he proceeds to lick off. Upon making a disgusted face, here is what he says:
"I don't think that was beer that I licked off the can. I think it was.....boogers."
Now, I've never had THAT much trouble breathing from laughing so hard.
Some other stupid crap was said, like this conversation:
Shroeder: "What, you don't like my picture?"
Me: "No of course I do! That's why I made my 'stupid' face."
Shroeder: "We should invite him to come party with us."
Me: "No!"
Shroeder: "I thought you said you liked him?"
Me: "Well, like I don't want to party with him, but I don't want him to jump off a ledge either."
Would you trust this kid?
It's funny because when I took this, the first thing he said was "DO NOT put that on Facebook."
A few days later, I did.
I am WAY too tired to go on. Stay tuned, tomorrow's will be better.
-Jenny
He says that "girls with short hair cuts can suggest something about them."
To which I replied, "Only if they drive a pick up truck."
But anywho. Let's talk about MTV's "Skins" some more. Because I just love making fun of this show. The most recent episode told the story of a 22 year old teacher who was friends with all the students. She was so close with them that she was actually screwing one of them. And this boy was probably the most unattractive one on the show. The only other show that I've known to have a teacher/student affair was Miss Jacobs and Pacey on "Dawson's Creek". And let's not kid ourselves, Pacey wasn't very attractive either.
So the whole episode was about this young teacher and how she wasn't a grown up at all and how she really acted like a kid more than a teacher. Here's the best part though. At lunch in the cafeteria, she is eating with one of the students, prying her about her sex life, and this is what she is eating. A FRUIT BY THE FOOT. Now, I know that fruit by the foot is a very clever fruit snack, I sure used to love eating them. I used to unroll them and take the paper off, then pretend like it was my tongue and I would swing it around. People thought I was retarded, sure, but it was still fun. But the fact that you're getting mad because all the students aren't taking you seriously and treating you like one of them and you decide to eat a FRUIT BY THE FOOT!? It's like, yeah I wonder why nobody respects you as a teacher when you're eating a ridiculous fruit snack and having sex with a 17 year old. What you SHOULD be doing is eating a salad while reading a book by Tolstoy and having sex with somebody who DOESN'T have a bedtime. Just sayin.
Moving on. Yesterday was St. Patty's Day and for most of the day, I was with my best friend Shroeder. Now, we always say stupid crap when we hang out and we laugh almost all day, but yesterday took the cake. I cannot believe some of the things that we talked about. For example, it was really warm and sunny out, so we sat out in the backyard in the sun. Behind my house, there are swamps. So we are enjoying some rays when we hear this weird animal sound, kind of like a duck choking on a bone. So I sit up and turn to Shroeder and say "WHAT is THAT animal?!" And he turns around to face the woods and simply says "Oh, it's a MUD DUCK!" which is obviously a made up animal, but I instantly whip around to look at this mud duck. Which was not there. I don't know why I believe everything he says, I really don't. But it really did sound like a mud duck. Or a swamp duck. A duck of the wilderness.
Here is something else that happened: Of course we are having beers out in the sun. So Shroeder, being the rookie that he is, goes to take a sip of his beer and spills some of it down the front of his shirt. A few minutes later, he notices that there is a little bit of beer on the outside of the can, which he proceeds to lick off. Upon making a disgusted face, here is what he says:
"I don't think that was beer that I licked off the can. I think it was.....boogers."
Now, I've never had THAT much trouble breathing from laughing so hard.
Some other stupid crap was said, like this conversation:
Shroeder: "What, you don't like my picture?"
Me: "No of course I do! That's why I made my 'stupid' face."
Shroeder: "We should invite him to come party with us."
Me: "No!"
Shroeder: "I thought you said you liked him?"
Me: "Well, like I don't want to party with him, but I don't want him to jump off a ledge either."
Would you trust this kid?
It's funny because when I took this, the first thing he said was "DO NOT put that on Facebook."
A few days later, I did.
I am WAY too tired to go on. Stay tuned, tomorrow's will be better.
-Jenny
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Spiders can be big sometimes.
So I've been talking about Martha's Vineyard and St. Martin a lot lately, so I'll probably just continue. You BETTER be okay with it.
This story comes from St. Martin. We stayed in a huge place that was our parents friends friends house. It was like a mansion. Anywho, like I stated in previous entries, we went with our family friends. Upstairs, there were two rooms right next to each other, one of which my sister Sally stayed in by herself, and the other Lucy and I stayed in. One night, after we all watched a movie and decided to go to bed, Lucy and I discover something on the ceiling outside of our room. But what was it? It was neon orange and it looked like it had tentacles. It was a SPIDER!
Now, there is probably nothing that I hate in this world more than spiders. If one is even NEAR me, I will flip my shit. If one is ON me, I scream and flap around like I'm trying to fly away. I would say even sometimes I get teary eyed, but let's not get too carried away.
So we see this spider (?) on the ceiling and then it starts to MOVE, which was very creepy. It started walking towards Sally's room, and Lucy and I were like, "It's on its way to Sally's room! It's going to EAT her!!!" So we end up going downstairs to get our friend to come and see it, which he does and we tell him to FREAKIN KILL IT which he does. In all honesty, bright orange spiders with goddamned SUCTION CUPS as hands DO exist. This spider was so freakin big that I could actually see that it was wearing NIKEs on its feet. I could see his face and his stupid smile like he was saying "I'M up HERE, and YOU'RE down THERE! Bruahahaha!" But you're dead now, Mr. Neon Orange Spider, and you were thrown in a bathroom TRASH CAN. So who's the bitch now?
On a complete random note, I was clipping my fingernails today and I was doing it kind of close to my face, (never a good idea) and one of the clippings went up my nose. I laughed.
On another complete random note, when I was driving today, I saw ONE bowling shoe on the side of the road. This means that someone ACTUALLY stole bowling shoes, and then got so mad as they were driving that they were like "SCREW THIS SHOE!" and threw it out their window. What problem could they possibly have with their stolen bowling shoe?! "I stole this cause I thought they'd look cool (wrong) but they're just too damn SLIPPERY. I'm slipping all over the place! These aren't even the ones with the velcro straps! I actually have to TIE these suns a bitches!" I figured this person is one of those people who walk around with overalls on with no shirts underneath and always carries a piece of straw in his mouth. Probably missing one or five teeth.
But anywhores.
St. Patty's Day tomorrow! Green beer!
This is me signing off...
Haha.
-Jenny
This story comes from St. Martin. We stayed in a huge place that was our parents friends friends house. It was like a mansion. Anywho, like I stated in previous entries, we went with our family friends. Upstairs, there were two rooms right next to each other, one of which my sister Sally stayed in by herself, and the other Lucy and I stayed in. One night, after we all watched a movie and decided to go to bed, Lucy and I discover something on the ceiling outside of our room. But what was it? It was neon orange and it looked like it had tentacles. It was a SPIDER!
Now, there is probably nothing that I hate in this world more than spiders. If one is even NEAR me, I will flip my shit. If one is ON me, I scream and flap around like I'm trying to fly away. I would say even sometimes I get teary eyed, but let's not get too carried away.
So we see this spider (?) on the ceiling and then it starts to MOVE, which was very creepy. It started walking towards Sally's room, and Lucy and I were like, "It's on its way to Sally's room! It's going to EAT her!!!" So we end up going downstairs to get our friend to come and see it, which he does and we tell him to FREAKIN KILL IT which he does. In all honesty, bright orange spiders with goddamned SUCTION CUPS as hands DO exist. This spider was so freakin big that I could actually see that it was wearing NIKEs on its feet. I could see his face and his stupid smile like he was saying "I'M up HERE, and YOU'RE down THERE! Bruahahaha!" But you're dead now, Mr. Neon Orange Spider, and you were thrown in a bathroom TRASH CAN. So who's the bitch now?
On a complete random note, I was clipping my fingernails today and I was doing it kind of close to my face, (never a good idea) and one of the clippings went up my nose. I laughed.
On another complete random note, when I was driving today, I saw ONE bowling shoe on the side of the road. This means that someone ACTUALLY stole bowling shoes, and then got so mad as they were driving that they were like "SCREW THIS SHOE!" and threw it out their window. What problem could they possibly have with their stolen bowling shoe?! "I stole this cause I thought they'd look cool (wrong) but they're just too damn SLIPPERY. I'm slipping all over the place! These aren't even the ones with the velcro straps! I actually have to TIE these suns a bitches!" I figured this person is one of those people who walk around with overalls on with no shirts underneath and always carries a piece of straw in his mouth. Probably missing one or five teeth.
But anywhores.
St. Patty's Day tomorrow! Green beer!
This is me signing off...
Haha.
-Jenny
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sleeping in your underwear gives you a sense of freedom.
Recently I started sleeping in my underwear. It's not like it's a bad thing, it's not like it's summer. I get bundled up in my blankets. I love it so much, but my mom's new phrase if she comes in my room in the morning is, "Put your pants on and let's watch Ellen!"
Which is the first thing I hear to start the day.
It's kind of like when my best friend found out. He came into my room one morning and saw my pj pants on the floor next to my bed. He took a long look at them and said "are those your pj pants?" and I said "yes." Then he said "are you sleeping with no pants on right now?" and I said, "yes." Then over breakfast he told every person that was present in the house about my new sleeping habit. Everybody laughed, and then my sister Lucy simply said, "I do that sometimes too!"
But anyway, I've never uploaded a video of my own on here yet, so I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work...then deal with it. And what other video to choose but this one:
This is how summer goes. I am one of the boys. I love winter so much, I love hot coffee, scarves, snowboarding, snowflakes, snowstorms, snow angels, beanies, and sleeping like a bear under my blankets. But there is something about picnics, flip flops, Duxbury beach, Corona (or Bud Light Lime), playing guitar outside, and sitting on the front porch that just makes me so happy. I think I like Spring better than Summer. So I cannot wait for Spring let's just say.
My favorite summer story has to be from the Vineyard. I call it the "role reversal" day. The way our week at the Vineyard house goes is that my sisters and I can have our boyfriends come and stay for about two nights, but they can't all stay at once. Same for my best friend Shroeder. And same for my parents friends too. So it happened to be a day where I had no one over, and it was a day that my parents best friends were hanging out, as well as my grandmother and my aunt. So, instead of my parents being responsible and hospitable, they decided to go out to the beach ALL day and leave my grandmother and aunt to fend for themselves. But it was okay, because my sisters and I were with them. (The kids are taking the role of the adults, and the adults are taking the role of the kids.) So they were all like, "Peace out! We're going to party at the beach all day and we won't be back til LATE! La la la!" Then they peeled off in the Jeep and left us in the dust.
But anyway, they went to the beach all day. And got very tipsy with their friends. And apparently (as the story was told to us later) my dad had asked a twenty something year old girl for a bottle opener, to which she just took the beer and twisted the cap off for him.
So the funny part of this story is this. I ran out of beer, which obviously is something that I will not stand for. We have a market right down the street from our house, so I started walking to it. All by my lonesome. I'm about halfway there when I see this silver Jeep with the top down come speeding down the road, and I can hear the shitty music blasting and my mom and her friend's happy screams. I saw that the man behind the wheel was wearing a bright yellow sleeveless shirt and a doo rag, so there was no mistake that it was my dad. I was hoping that they wouldn't notice me walking, but of course, they did and they screeched to a halt next to me on the side of the road. I could barely hear anything over the MAGIC 106.7 that they were blasting (it was probably something like Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" or some shit like that). So they turn the radio down a little bit and started talking to me about their crazy day on the beach. Meanwhile I am looking around at the people walking and driving by, giving a look like "What? I don't know these people, they are simply just asking me for directions," to which I thought about starting to randomly point to things to give the illusion that they were lost. My mom and her friend were in the back of the Jeep and while I was talking to them, my dad just decides to peel off while they were in mid sentence. As they sped down the road, I could hear my mom's friend scream "I wasn't DONE talking to Jen!" I felt relieved that they were out of my hair, and continued on my mission.
I really hope that pool video up there works.
Song: "Song For You" by Alexi Murdoch.
-Jenny
Which is the first thing I hear to start the day.
It's kind of like when my best friend found out. He came into my room one morning and saw my pj pants on the floor next to my bed. He took a long look at them and said "are those your pj pants?" and I said "yes." Then he said "are you sleeping with no pants on right now?" and I said, "yes." Then over breakfast he told every person that was present in the house about my new sleeping habit. Everybody laughed, and then my sister Lucy simply said, "I do that sometimes too!"
But anyway, I've never uploaded a video of my own on here yet, so I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work...then deal with it. And what other video to choose but this one:
This is how summer goes. I am one of the boys. I love winter so much, I love hot coffee, scarves, snowboarding, snowflakes, snowstorms, snow angels, beanies, and sleeping like a bear under my blankets. But there is something about picnics, flip flops, Duxbury beach, Corona (or Bud Light Lime), playing guitar outside, and sitting on the front porch that just makes me so happy. I think I like Spring better than Summer. So I cannot wait for Spring let's just say.
My favorite summer story has to be from the Vineyard. I call it the "role reversal" day. The way our week at the Vineyard house goes is that my sisters and I can have our boyfriends come and stay for about two nights, but they can't all stay at once. Same for my best friend Shroeder. And same for my parents friends too. So it happened to be a day where I had no one over, and it was a day that my parents best friends were hanging out, as well as my grandmother and my aunt. So, instead of my parents being responsible and hospitable, they decided to go out to the beach ALL day and leave my grandmother and aunt to fend for themselves. But it was okay, because my sisters and I were with them. (The kids are taking the role of the adults, and the adults are taking the role of the kids.) So they were all like, "Peace out! We're going to party at the beach all day and we won't be back til LATE! La la la!" Then they peeled off in the Jeep and left us in the dust.
But anyway, they went to the beach all day. And got very tipsy with their friends. And apparently (as the story was told to us later) my dad had asked a twenty something year old girl for a bottle opener, to which she just took the beer and twisted the cap off for him.
So the funny part of this story is this. I ran out of beer, which obviously is something that I will not stand for. We have a market right down the street from our house, so I started walking to it. All by my lonesome. I'm about halfway there when I see this silver Jeep with the top down come speeding down the road, and I can hear the shitty music blasting and my mom and her friend's happy screams. I saw that the man behind the wheel was wearing a bright yellow sleeveless shirt and a doo rag, so there was no mistake that it was my dad. I was hoping that they wouldn't notice me walking, but of course, they did and they screeched to a halt next to me on the side of the road. I could barely hear anything over the MAGIC 106.7 that they were blasting (it was probably something like Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" or some shit like that). So they turn the radio down a little bit and started talking to me about their crazy day on the beach. Meanwhile I am looking around at the people walking and driving by, giving a look like "What? I don't know these people, they are simply just asking me for directions," to which I thought about starting to randomly point to things to give the illusion that they were lost. My mom and her friend were in the back of the Jeep and while I was talking to them, my dad just decides to peel off while they were in mid sentence. As they sped down the road, I could hear my mom's friend scream "I wasn't DONE talking to Jen!" I felt relieved that they were out of my hair, and continued on my mission.
I really hope that pool video up there works.
Song: "Song For You" by Alexi Murdoch.
-Jenny
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tying a 20 year old's shoes
So the time change is really dumb. Although the days are going to be longer, I still don't like it. Like how this morning I woke up and looked at the clock next to my bed and said "hmm, 10:30, not bad not bad." But then I realized that it was really 11:30 and I immediately got out of my bed because I felt like the biggest waste of space ever. It's like when you wake up at 10:30 and you're like "hmm, I'm KIND OF a lazy asshole." When you wake up at 11:30...that's when you realize that you're going nowhere in life.
And last night, Shroeder and I were watching TV into the wee hours of the morning and we landed upon the movie "Liar Liar". When we looked at the info, it said the movie was running from 12-3. We saw it and IMMEDIATELY started making fun of it. "Twelve to THREE?! yeah like it's a THREE hour movie?! This isn't LORD OF THE RINGS! pff!"
It wasn't until this morning when we realized that they put 3 am because of the time change. We are dumb as rocks.
Some people really surprise me. Like at work last night, (my favorite place in the world), a 20 year old guy that I work with asked me to tie his shoe. Now, I've never seriously hit anybody before, but I almost did here. I looked at him and I said: "Do you seriously not know how to tie shoes?!"
It is here where he explains that he had two pairs of gloves on, and that's why he couldn't tie a knot. So, still in shock, I kneel down to tie his shoe. After this, he skips away like the fairy that he is and it's not until later that he approaches me and tells me that my knot "didn't hold". It "came undone like...5 minutes after you tied it".
.........
So, I pretty much told him that he was the dumbest person alive and even the ACTUAL retarded person we work with has the BRAINS to take the smart route and wear VELCRO shoes. You know what? if you don't want to/can't tie your own shoes and you are going to CRITICIZE the person who ties them, why don't you get velcro shoes like the rest of your kind? I am so nice to people, and everybody treats me like shit!
The other day I went down the hall to my sister Sally's room, and upon opening the door and looking in, I see her eating Fun Dip. Now, I just want to say that she is 25 years old. Something about this just seems hilarious, so I start laughing as loud as possible because the look on her face was priceless. It was mid "lick" and she had a look like she was caught doing something awful. Fun Dip is her favorite candy, and I remember bribing her to do things for me with promises of Fun Dip. She obeyed.
This is her.
She is wearing a bulletproof vest. She thinks she is bulletproof. She is not.
This is the same girl who had my cat puke in her room not too long ago. So yesterday when she realized that our cat was sleeping in her room, she said: "I don't want that PUKEBAG in my room."
I have never heard anybody refer to something/someone else as a PUKEBAG.
So my dad always asks my best friend to help him with things whenever he is over. So this morning, he packs his things and he says "Okay I'm going to leave before Pig Pen asks me to do anything." And he goes to go out the front door and that is where my father happened to be. So I said "haha! you're going to pass him on your way out!"
And then of course I added: "Make it look like you're in a rush!"
Which I'm pretty sure he did, because there were no trees taken down, or no furniture moved, or no giraffes being tamed. Or whatever my dad's project is for the week that he may need help with.
I think everyone should listen to "All the Wild Horses" by Ray LaMontagne. It is one of the most beautiful songs ever.
-Jenny
And last night, Shroeder and I were watching TV into the wee hours of the morning and we landed upon the movie "Liar Liar". When we looked at the info, it said the movie was running from 12-3. We saw it and IMMEDIATELY started making fun of it. "Twelve to THREE?! yeah like it's a THREE hour movie?! This isn't LORD OF THE RINGS! pff!"
It wasn't until this morning when we realized that they put 3 am because of the time change. We are dumb as rocks.
Some people really surprise me. Like at work last night, (my favorite place in the world), a 20 year old guy that I work with asked me to tie his shoe. Now, I've never seriously hit anybody before, but I almost did here. I looked at him and I said: "Do you seriously not know how to tie shoes?!"
It is here where he explains that he had two pairs of gloves on, and that's why he couldn't tie a knot. So, still in shock, I kneel down to tie his shoe. After this, he skips away like the fairy that he is and it's not until later that he approaches me and tells me that my knot "didn't hold". It "came undone like...5 minutes after you tied it".
.........
So, I pretty much told him that he was the dumbest person alive and even the ACTUAL retarded person we work with has the BRAINS to take the smart route and wear VELCRO shoes. You know what? if you don't want to/can't tie your own shoes and you are going to CRITICIZE the person who ties them, why don't you get velcro shoes like the rest of your kind? I am so nice to people, and everybody treats me like shit!
The other day I went down the hall to my sister Sally's room, and upon opening the door and looking in, I see her eating Fun Dip. Now, I just want to say that she is 25 years old. Something about this just seems hilarious, so I start laughing as loud as possible because the look on her face was priceless. It was mid "lick" and she had a look like she was caught doing something awful. Fun Dip is her favorite candy, and I remember bribing her to do things for me with promises of Fun Dip. She obeyed.
This is her.
She is wearing a bulletproof vest. She thinks she is bulletproof. She is not.
This is the same girl who had my cat puke in her room not too long ago. So yesterday when she realized that our cat was sleeping in her room, she said: "I don't want that PUKEBAG in my room."
I have never heard anybody refer to something/someone else as a PUKEBAG.
So my dad always asks my best friend to help him with things whenever he is over. So this morning, he packs his things and he says "Okay I'm going to leave before Pig Pen asks me to do anything." And he goes to go out the front door and that is where my father happened to be. So I said "haha! you're going to pass him on your way out!"
And then of course I added: "Make it look like you're in a rush!"
Which I'm pretty sure he did, because there were no trees taken down, or no furniture moved, or no giraffes being tamed. Or whatever my dad's project is for the week that he may need help with.
I think everyone should listen to "All the Wild Horses" by Ray LaMontagne. It is one of the most beautiful songs ever.
-Jenny
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wine cruises are clearly not for me.
So over the summer my sisters and I took my mom on a surprise wine cruise for her birthday. Now, my sisters and my mom are huge wine-o's, but I am more of a beer girl. I'm not saying I don't like wine, don't get me wrong. I just prefer beer most of the time. I'm surprised they even took me, because I clearly don't fit in with the "let's drink wine with THIS course. And drink this different wine with THAT course. And notice how this wine has a different HUE than that one, this is dark dark red and this one is just dark red. And do you TASTE the GRAPES in this WINE?!" With me, it's like "Jesus Christ, order a pizza and get a case of beer and watch the Bruins game."
But I was all game for this night, because I knew it was going to be fun. And it definitely was. They took us out of Plymouth harbor and the sun set while we were out there. It was BEAUTIFUL.
So I knew from the start that the food on this menu was not my thang. It had terrible things, such as lamb, shrimp, and pears covered in goat cheese. I am extremely picky with food, so this obviously was bad news bears. But the funny thing about a wine cruise is that they give you a lot of wine. I know, I wasn't aware of this either! So you know, the more wine I have, the more open I am to try new foods. Like lamb. Guh.
So the dessert was at the end of the night. In other words, after many glasses of wine. Now, I knew at the beginning of the night that the dessert was pears with goat cheese dripped all over it. And at the beginning of the night, I had already ruled it out. But that all kind of *mysteriously* went away as the night carried on, and I completely forgot. They were bringing it out and my sister Lucy said jokingly, "it's melted vanilla ice cream on top!" She was joking of course, but I didn't know this. I believed her.
So here I am, munching it all up and saying how good it was. It wasn't until the ride home where I heard Sally say "yeah and Jenny ate GOAT cheese!!!" I was livid. I started yelling "that was GOAT cheese?! I thought that was vanilla ICE CREAM! I ATE ALL THAT!" which of course, only made them laugh louder.
I'm sorry goats. I ate your cheese.
There was another funny thing that happened on that wine cruise. When they gave you a new glass of wine, if you weren't done with the one you already had, you could dump it out in a barrel they brought around if you wanted to. Or you could just down the remainder like I did. Either way, it was up to you. So we are watching some people use the little barrel to dump the little bit of wine they had left, and it is here that Lucy says:
"Jen. You should go around to all the tables and ask people if they want to dump their wine. And if they say yes, take their glass and just down it."
This brought much laughter. And the funniest part was, I actually thought about what a cool freakin job that would be. "Are you done with this? Oh you didn't like this type of wine? What kind is it--? Ah screw it! Not like I give a damn! *glug glug glug*"
Anyway. My sisters and I were talking tonight and Lucy was saying how she bought some Elizabeth Taylor movies. She had asked if I wanted to watch some of them and I said "HELL no" because that sounds about as much fun as walking on hot coals while giving a bear a piggyback. Then she asks Sally if she would watch some with her, and she replied with "only if we can have champagne while we watch them!" oh NO you didn't! The ONLY movie that you can drink champagne while watching is Dr. Suess' "Horton Hears a Who." And that's a rule.
In other "crazy family news", apparently my dad likes to munch on chips in corners of the house. All you hear is someone munching chips close by, but you cannot see where he is. He is the phantom chip muncher. He should have a cape.
Song?? Song???? How about Alexi Murdoch "The Light (Her Hands Were Leaves)."
-Jenny
But I was all game for this night, because I knew it was going to be fun. And it definitely was. They took us out of Plymouth harbor and the sun set while we were out there. It was BEAUTIFUL.
So I knew from the start that the food on this menu was not my thang. It had terrible things, such as lamb, shrimp, and pears covered in goat cheese. I am extremely picky with food, so this obviously was bad news bears. But the funny thing about a wine cruise is that they give you a lot of wine. I know, I wasn't aware of this either! So you know, the more wine I have, the more open I am to try new foods. Like lamb. Guh.
So the dessert was at the end of the night. In other words, after many glasses of wine. Now, I knew at the beginning of the night that the dessert was pears with goat cheese dripped all over it. And at the beginning of the night, I had already ruled it out. But that all kind of *mysteriously* went away as the night carried on, and I completely forgot. They were bringing it out and my sister Lucy said jokingly, "it's melted vanilla ice cream on top!" She was joking of course, but I didn't know this. I believed her.
So here I am, munching it all up and saying how good it was. It wasn't until the ride home where I heard Sally say "yeah and Jenny ate GOAT cheese!!!" I was livid. I started yelling "that was GOAT cheese?! I thought that was vanilla ICE CREAM! I ATE ALL THAT!" which of course, only made them laugh louder.
I'm sorry goats. I ate your cheese.
There was another funny thing that happened on that wine cruise. When they gave you a new glass of wine, if you weren't done with the one you already had, you could dump it out in a barrel they brought around if you wanted to. Or you could just down the remainder like I did. Either way, it was up to you. So we are watching some people use the little barrel to dump the little bit of wine they had left, and it is here that Lucy says:
"Jen. You should go around to all the tables and ask people if they want to dump their wine. And if they say yes, take their glass and just down it."
This brought much laughter. And the funniest part was, I actually thought about what a cool freakin job that would be. "Are you done with this? Oh you didn't like this type of wine? What kind is it--? Ah screw it! Not like I give a damn! *glug glug glug*"
Anyway. My sisters and I were talking tonight and Lucy was saying how she bought some Elizabeth Taylor movies. She had asked if I wanted to watch some of them and I said "HELL no" because that sounds about as much fun as walking on hot coals while giving a bear a piggyback. Then she asks Sally if she would watch some with her, and she replied with "only if we can have champagne while we watch them!" oh NO you didn't! The ONLY movie that you can drink champagne while watching is Dr. Suess' "Horton Hears a Who." And that's a rule.
In other "crazy family news", apparently my dad likes to munch on chips in corners of the house. All you hear is someone munching chips close by, but you cannot see where he is. He is the phantom chip muncher. He should have a cape.
Song?? Song???? How about Alexi Murdoch "The Light (Her Hands Were Leaves)."
-Jenny
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Why can't Yoshis be pets?!
Anybody who doesn't think Yoshi is the best character in the Mario games is high. Honestly, would you rather play as a cool green dinosaur who doesn't speak but makes wicked awesome noises, or a stupid shrimpy pudgy Italian who wears overalls and says "Mamma Mia!" when good AND bad things happen to him? And Mario has a gay brother, Luigi, in which the only differences between the two is that Luigi is much taller and thinner and he wears green instead of red. OH and then they created two new characters, which are evil, world dominating retards that are supposed to be "evil twins" of Mario and Luigi. And yes, you guessed it, their names are Wario and Waluigi.
Like honestly?
As if Mario and Luigi weren't retarded enough, they made even dumber characters. Their voices are pretty much the same, just less nasally.
So anyway, whenever we play Mario Party on N64, I always choose Mario as the computer player, just so we can gang up on him and show him to his FACE how much he sucks. And if anyone I'm playing with actually CHOOSES to play Mario (or Luigi), then oh boy, I'm going to LIGHT them UP.
That's like putting a "kick me" sign on your OWN back.
But yeah, Yoshi? Coolest video game character EVER. He doesn't cause trouble with any of the other characters, he doesn't have an evil twin, he doesn't get attacked by Bowser, he doesn't have to save that stupid goddamned princess, and best of all, he eats and poops out eggs!
I wish Yoshis really existed. You know, to have as pets. I wish this could be invented, but it can't. Because you can't invent animals. But if it were, I would totally get one and name it Henry.
He would give me rides just like he gives small Mario rides.
We would go across the pastures and over rainbows.
ANYWHO. I was thinking about our trip to St. Martin that we took when I was eighteen years old. I was thinking how different it was. I was thinking about how naive and innocent I am, and how that doesn't quite mix well when you're there.
We went there with our parents friends and their kids, who we grew up with. One night, the adults went out by themselves and us kids went out by ourselves. We went to a bar called the "Sunset Beach Bar" and it was (what do you know!) right on the beach. It was really hoppin, so we grabbed a table on the patio and then my sister Sally and I went to the bar to order drinks. It was crowded and we weren't really getting helped, so we kind of just waited there for a possible turn to sneak in and get the bartenders attention. And then this is what we saw.
A short girl comes from behind us, pushing us aside as she barrels through the crowd like freakin DONKEY KONG. So Sally and I are like "oh, BITCH" and we watch as she goes up to the bar. The bartender notices her, and then he lets her in behind the bar with him and the other bartenders. At this point we were intrigued by what was going on. Then this happens:
The girl TAKES HER SHIRT OFF and is hoisted up upside down in a harness type contraption. Although this harness I speak of was probably made from tied together dirty socks. So here she is, shirtless (and when I say shirtless, I mean braless as well. And by braless I mean her ta tas are just hanging out there for everyone) and upside down in front of EVERYONE, and the bartender comes over and MAKES OUT with her. Like he is legit sticking his tongue down her throat. THEN, they do the only thing that's really left to do at that point. And of course that is to pour liquor down her throat.
I am not making this up.
Now, Sally and I are not used to things like this, which I'm sure we are not the only ones. We watched this happen right before our eyes, as we were very close where it took place. I'm pretty sure our mouths were open in shock the entire time. Once this show was over, I don't know if my memory serves me correctly, but I'm 89% sure she yelled, "I have a kid at home!!!"
And we found out why she does this, because we found that she does this a lot. So why does she do it? Because she gets free drinks for the remainder of the night.
Apparently, she is like the celebrity of the "Sunset Beach Bar". Or the Snooki.
We finally got our drinks though, which were simply a glass of wine and a beer. We were very different from the people that were there.
Anyway, here's another cat picture.
She's clearly trying to hog the spotlight.
-Jenny
Like honestly?
As if Mario and Luigi weren't retarded enough, they made even dumber characters. Their voices are pretty much the same, just less nasally.
So anyway, whenever we play Mario Party on N64, I always choose Mario as the computer player, just so we can gang up on him and show him to his FACE how much he sucks. And if anyone I'm playing with actually CHOOSES to play Mario (or Luigi), then oh boy, I'm going to LIGHT them UP.
That's like putting a "kick me" sign on your OWN back.
But yeah, Yoshi? Coolest video game character EVER. He doesn't cause trouble with any of the other characters, he doesn't have an evil twin, he doesn't get attacked by Bowser, he doesn't have to save that stupid goddamned princess, and best of all, he eats and poops out eggs!
I wish Yoshis really existed. You know, to have as pets. I wish this could be invented, but it can't. Because you can't invent animals. But if it were, I would totally get one and name it Henry.
He would give me rides just like he gives small Mario rides.
We would go across the pastures and over rainbows.
ANYWHO. I was thinking about our trip to St. Martin that we took when I was eighteen years old. I was thinking how different it was. I was thinking about how naive and innocent I am, and how that doesn't quite mix well when you're there.
We went there with our parents friends and their kids, who we grew up with. One night, the adults went out by themselves and us kids went out by ourselves. We went to a bar called the "Sunset Beach Bar" and it was (what do you know!) right on the beach. It was really hoppin, so we grabbed a table on the patio and then my sister Sally and I went to the bar to order drinks. It was crowded and we weren't really getting helped, so we kind of just waited there for a possible turn to sneak in and get the bartenders attention. And then this is what we saw.
A short girl comes from behind us, pushing us aside as she barrels through the crowd like freakin DONKEY KONG. So Sally and I are like "oh, BITCH" and we watch as she goes up to the bar. The bartender notices her, and then he lets her in behind the bar with him and the other bartenders. At this point we were intrigued by what was going on. Then this happens:
The girl TAKES HER SHIRT OFF and is hoisted up upside down in a harness type contraption. Although this harness I speak of was probably made from tied together dirty socks. So here she is, shirtless (and when I say shirtless, I mean braless as well. And by braless I mean her ta tas are just hanging out there for everyone) and upside down in front of EVERYONE, and the bartender comes over and MAKES OUT with her. Like he is legit sticking his tongue down her throat. THEN, they do the only thing that's really left to do at that point. And of course that is to pour liquor down her throat.
I am not making this up.
Now, Sally and I are not used to things like this, which I'm sure we are not the only ones. We watched this happen right before our eyes, as we were very close where it took place. I'm pretty sure our mouths were open in shock the entire time. Once this show was over, I don't know if my memory serves me correctly, but I'm 89% sure she yelled, "I have a kid at home!!!"
And we found out why she does this, because we found that she does this a lot. So why does she do it? Because she gets free drinks for the remainder of the night.
Apparently, she is like the celebrity of the "Sunset Beach Bar". Or the Snooki.
We finally got our drinks though, which were simply a glass of wine and a beer. We were very different from the people that were there.
Anyway, here's another cat picture.
She's clearly trying to hog the spotlight.
-Jenny
Monday, March 7, 2011
Some things you just gotta get used to. Like cat puke.
Let's just start off by saying that I absolutely did NOT play with Matchbox cars today.
Yesterday morning I woke and went downstairs. My sister Lucy was the only one home and she told me that our cat Diego threw up in Sally's room. We anticipated her arrival home because her reaction was obviously going to be PRICELESS.
Now, I'm aware of the fact that sometimes people can't clean throw up because of the fact that THEY might throw up while doing it. I feel like I am one of these people because I can't even smell a tiny bit of it without feeling like I might throw up as well. However, Diego throws up a lot, and when she does it in my room (or on my goddamn BED), I have no other choice but to clean it up. But if it's in somebody else's room, screw them, it's their problem.
So when Sally finally came home, she walked into her room down the hall and of course, I heard a loud shriek. Then she emerges out of her room like a friggin hurricane and says this:
"Oh my God! SOMEBODY THREW UP IN MY ROOM!"
So of course I'm dying laughing because she doesn't know who did it. First of all, cat throw up and human throw up look very different. Like seriously, did she think that me or any one of my family members went INTO her room to throw up on her floor?! It's like honestly, there are legit cat food pieces in this throw up and you think it was one of US?!
Then she proceeds to beg my mom to clean it up, which she does.
Then, later on in the afternoon, she talks about how it "looked like poop." And poor Diego is sitting in the kitchen listening. Then she starts to walk down the hallway again towards Sally's room. So of course I say, "She's at it again!"
I bet Diego was all like, "Heh heh. I'm going to take a dump this time!"
But honestly, how can you be upset with a face like this?
Anyway. My new thing now is whenever someone asks me if I want to do something, preferably expensive, I reply with "Oh okay. Do you accept bits of string as payment?"
Yeah so, "Skins". I've been watching it for quite some time, and I still think it's dumb. One of the episodes was all about STDs. Go figure, right? You mean to tell me that these kids are hooking up with everything that MOVES and they're getting STDs?! Get. Outta. Town. But this episode in particular featured a hunky seventeen year old (sixteen year old? twelve year old?) who all the girls want apparently. And he pretty much gets them all, because he is a manwhore. So he is spreading his STD all ovah the place, and when his actual girlfriend finds out, (because she obviously has this STD now too) she goes apeshit and beats on him. Which he deserves. So then, she breaks up with him (obvi) and at the end of the episode, she invites him over to "talk" to him. I guess "talking" means "to have sex with" because that is just what they do. After they are done, she tells him to get out and she never wants to see him again. So then this stupid boy asks "what was this all about then?" (referring to the "talking" they just did) and she replies with, "we are STD compatible" or some shit like that.
Honestly!? I feel so DUMB after watching this show. Even dumber than the Jersey Shore makes me feel.
I bet these retards from "Skins" have STD fights. Kind of like a "tag! you're it!" kind of game. Or "red rover". It'd be like "Red Rover Red Rover send HERPES right over!" and then that kid with herpes would infect a person of his choice. I feel really awful that middle schoolers watch this show.
Listen to Radiohead's "Fake Plastic Trees" willya? It's a really wonderful song.
-Jenny
Yesterday morning I woke and went downstairs. My sister Lucy was the only one home and she told me that our cat Diego threw up in Sally's room. We anticipated her arrival home because her reaction was obviously going to be PRICELESS.
Now, I'm aware of the fact that sometimes people can't clean throw up because of the fact that THEY might throw up while doing it. I feel like I am one of these people because I can't even smell a tiny bit of it without feeling like I might throw up as well. However, Diego throws up a lot, and when she does it in my room (or on my goddamn BED), I have no other choice but to clean it up. But if it's in somebody else's room, screw them, it's their problem.
So when Sally finally came home, she walked into her room down the hall and of course, I heard a loud shriek. Then she emerges out of her room like a friggin hurricane and says this:
"Oh my God! SOMEBODY THREW UP IN MY ROOM!"
So of course I'm dying laughing because she doesn't know who did it. First of all, cat throw up and human throw up look very different. Like seriously, did she think that me or any one of my family members went INTO her room to throw up on her floor?! It's like honestly, there are legit cat food pieces in this throw up and you think it was one of US?!
Then she proceeds to beg my mom to clean it up, which she does.
Then, later on in the afternoon, she talks about how it "looked like poop." And poor Diego is sitting in the kitchen listening. Then she starts to walk down the hallway again towards Sally's room. So of course I say, "She's at it again!"
I bet Diego was all like, "Heh heh. I'm going to take a dump this time!"
But honestly, how can you be upset with a face like this?
Anyway. My new thing now is whenever someone asks me if I want to do something, preferably expensive, I reply with "Oh okay. Do you accept bits of string as payment?"
Yeah so, "Skins". I've been watching it for quite some time, and I still think it's dumb. One of the episodes was all about STDs. Go figure, right? You mean to tell me that these kids are hooking up with everything that MOVES and they're getting STDs?! Get. Outta. Town. But this episode in particular featured a hunky seventeen year old (sixteen year old? twelve year old?) who all the girls want apparently. And he pretty much gets them all, because he is a manwhore. So he is spreading his STD all ovah the place, and when his actual girlfriend finds out, (because she obviously has this STD now too) she goes apeshit and beats on him. Which he deserves. So then, she breaks up with him (obvi) and at the end of the episode, she invites him over to "talk" to him. I guess "talking" means "to have sex with" because that is just what they do. After they are done, she tells him to get out and she never wants to see him again. So then this stupid boy asks "what was this all about then?" (referring to the "talking" they just did) and she replies with, "we are STD compatible" or some shit like that.
Honestly!? I feel so DUMB after watching this show. Even dumber than the Jersey Shore makes me feel.
I bet these retards from "Skins" have STD fights. Kind of like a "tag! you're it!" kind of game. Or "red rover". It'd be like "Red Rover Red Rover send HERPES right over!" and then that kid with herpes would infect a person of his choice. I feel really awful that middle schoolers watch this show.
Listen to Radiohead's "Fake Plastic Trees" willya? It's a really wonderful song.
-Jenny
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Oh yeah, that's legal
So, I was at lunch yesterday with my mom and Schroeder, and we had the bartender that Schroeder has a crush on. Although he has a crush on a lot of people. So of course, he spent the duration of this time to flirt with her. The manager of the restaurant would come into the bar area sometimes and he had a pin on his tie that said "I love my job", but he looked like the most miserable man I've ever seen. So of course, one of Shroeder's questions to this girl was "does your boss REALLY love his job? Or does he just wear a pin that says so?"
So as time goes on I become a part of his search for hot girls. It's not the first time this happens, we do this in Martha's Vineyard pretty much....oh.....every year. He'd be like "Oh my God that blonde sitting in the corner is HOT." and then I would look and say "YEAH she IS, go ask her out!" or my favorite: "is her name Bruce Springsteen? Cause SHE'S on FIRE!" which always guarantees a few laughs.
It is here, in the middle of the restaurant, that my best friend decides to play some fart sounds on his iphone. Now, I'm aware of the fact that there are numerous fart apps out there, and these play extremely funny fart sounds. I've heard them myself. So he starts playing some farts, when the hot bartender was at the other end, and of course I start cracking up because these sound absolutely hilarious. So after hearing about four of these farts, he tells me that these are in fact his. I have trouble believing him because these honestly sound like somebody making fake fart noises, such as when you blow on your arm. But the funny thing is, in the recording of said farts, there is a rustling sound in the beginning, and a rustling sound at the end. So after laughing so hard and catching my breath, I asked the question I already knew the answer to. Which was: "Is that sound you putting the phone up to your ass?" To which he replied: "Haha yeah. It's me getting the blankets out of the way."
So after all this, we stopped for beer on the way home. The fact that I knew the 3 guys working there by name, and they all knew ME by name, makes me feel like an alcoholic. But I am not, I just go to the same store. So we pick up the beer and we start driving home. To be funny, I said, "I feel like cracking one of these open right now!" and of course he says, "Eh, it's Carver. It's legal. You'd be looked down upon if you didn't."
But I didn't, just so everyone knows.
My mother has these glass balls for decoration in a basket on the coffee table. For a few years, I've been trying to get her to let me juggle them, which of course she will not let me do. This has become an inside joke for us. One time, when she went away on a trip with my dad, she actually HID them. So anyway, yesterday I actually picked them up and started juggling them. Just to knock it off the "things to do before I die" list. Then I dropped one. But it didn't break, it just fell and rolled on the ground. When my mom came home, I told her and she flipped out. I laughed.
So anyway. My boyfriend Linus and I were going to Shaw's to get some biscottis for our tea party gathering, and upon parking there, we saw this old woman who looked pretty lost. I mean, I've seen people who forgot where they parked, but not this bad. This woman was going CAR TO CAR and LOOKING inside each car, and then saying "THAT'S not my car." and moving on to the next one. It was very sad/hilarious/scary. When we were walking into the store, we actually saw her getting into her actual car (let's hope) which was on the complete other side of rows of cars she was looking at.
People are just crazy. Kind of like my sister Sally. Sally's boyfriend loves Reeses. And when he gets a bag of the mini Reeses cups, Sally goes through the entire bag and unwraps each and every one for him. Now, in situations like these, I don't know whether to say "awww that's so cute" or "awww have fun in the mental institution, I hear those straightjackets are a blast."
Bam. This is how we do.
-Jenny
So as time goes on I become a part of his search for hot girls. It's not the first time this happens, we do this in Martha's Vineyard pretty much....oh.....every year. He'd be like "Oh my God that blonde sitting in the corner is HOT." and then I would look and say "YEAH she IS, go ask her out!" or my favorite: "is her name Bruce Springsteen? Cause SHE'S on FIRE!" which always guarantees a few laughs.
It is here, in the middle of the restaurant, that my best friend decides to play some fart sounds on his iphone. Now, I'm aware of the fact that there are numerous fart apps out there, and these play extremely funny fart sounds. I've heard them myself. So he starts playing some farts, when the hot bartender was at the other end, and of course I start cracking up because these sound absolutely hilarious. So after hearing about four of these farts, he tells me that these are in fact his. I have trouble believing him because these honestly sound like somebody making fake fart noises, such as when you blow on your arm. But the funny thing is, in the recording of said farts, there is a rustling sound in the beginning, and a rustling sound at the end. So after laughing so hard and catching my breath, I asked the question I already knew the answer to. Which was: "Is that sound you putting the phone up to your ass?" To which he replied: "Haha yeah. It's me getting the blankets out of the way."
So after all this, we stopped for beer on the way home. The fact that I knew the 3 guys working there by name, and they all knew ME by name, makes me feel like an alcoholic. But I am not, I just go to the same store. So we pick up the beer and we start driving home. To be funny, I said, "I feel like cracking one of these open right now!" and of course he says, "Eh, it's Carver. It's legal. You'd be looked down upon if you didn't."
But I didn't, just so everyone knows.
My mother has these glass balls for decoration in a basket on the coffee table. For a few years, I've been trying to get her to let me juggle them, which of course she will not let me do. This has become an inside joke for us. One time, when she went away on a trip with my dad, she actually HID them. So anyway, yesterday I actually picked them up and started juggling them. Just to knock it off the "things to do before I die" list. Then I dropped one. But it didn't break, it just fell and rolled on the ground. When my mom came home, I told her and she flipped out. I laughed.
So anyway. My boyfriend Linus and I were going to Shaw's to get some biscottis for our tea party gathering, and upon parking there, we saw this old woman who looked pretty lost. I mean, I've seen people who forgot where they parked, but not this bad. This woman was going CAR TO CAR and LOOKING inside each car, and then saying "THAT'S not my car." and moving on to the next one. It was very sad/hilarious/scary. When we were walking into the store, we actually saw her getting into her actual car (let's hope) which was on the complete other side of rows of cars she was looking at.
People are just crazy. Kind of like my sister Sally. Sally's boyfriend loves Reeses. And when he gets a bag of the mini Reeses cups, Sally goes through the entire bag and unwraps each and every one for him. Now, in situations like these, I don't know whether to say "awww that's so cute" or "awww have fun in the mental institution, I hear those straightjackets are a blast."
Bam. This is how we do.
-Jenny
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Life's a beach (but they don't close ski resorts in snowstorms)
I seem to think it's funny that everybody decides what they want to do with their life BEFORE they go to college, when I finished college and I still don't know. I say, "Oh, I'll major in English because I like reading and I want to be a writer someday." But then you find out that writing is more of a hobby than a career. Unless you're Snooki. Then you can be a writer. But Snooki A) did not go to college, B) is in fact illiterate, C) was mad at her boss for not wanting to shotgun a beer with her while they were working, and finally D) thought that lobsters ate worms. But no, she totally deserves to have a couple of books being sold worldwide.
I'm just saying, life is hard when you're completely lost. Lost and NOT famous for a ridiculous show, that is. Because the degenerates that are on the Jersey Shore are the most lost people I've ever seen. But it all works out for them because they are somehow famous now.
Walking into automatic doors and having them NOT open doesn't help much either. It doesn't exactly help my coolness points. I think we may be up to about five. Out of one hundred.
So Modern Family is on every Wednesday night, and we always watch it on the couch as a family. I went into my sister Sally's room to simply ask if she was coming to watch it. And she says:
"Yeah. I just didn't want to go in there because Dad was eating chips."
And then all I can really say is, "Oh, was he being gross about it?"
Because my dad eating chips sounds like a horse trying to eat a watermelon. Just gross.
I remember one time, on Schroeder's 18th birthday, we decided we wanted to go to Waterville Valley to snowboard all day. And of course, like all other days we choose to snowboard, there was a huge snow storm. It wasn't supposed to start until the afternoon, so we decided to still go, and maybe leave the mountain early, say around three instead of four. So it's early in the morning, and my parents were trying to tell us not to go, but we were NOT caving. And plus, it would be awesome, getting a snow storm while you're on the mountain. It was right before we walked out the door that my dad says this:
"They're probably gonna close the mountain."
Okay. So not only do ski resorts stay open during actual snow storms, but they actually get EXCITED for the new snow. We joked around about it for the three hour ride there, and we laughed about how I said "Dad, that's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard" and walked out the door. So we get there, the mountain is basically ours because nobody wanted to come out in that weather. At about 3pm we decide to get an early start on the ride home. And it is here that we realize that the drive home might take a while. To make a very long story short, what should have taken 3 hours to get home, it actually took 6. It was probably because we had to drive 20 mph from New Hampshire to Middleboro. But anyway, we rolled in about 9:15 pm and acted like it was the best day ever. Which it was. Just not the driving. But we couldn't let them know that. Because that would mean that they won.
But nonetheless, we came home and let my dad know that the ski resort did NOT close due to SNOW.
Watch that video and laugh.
Or laugh at this. This is where she sat the entire time I wrote this.
Cats. Love. Me.
-Jenny
I'm just saying, life is hard when you're completely lost. Lost and NOT famous for a ridiculous show, that is. Because the degenerates that are on the Jersey Shore are the most lost people I've ever seen. But it all works out for them because they are somehow famous now.
Walking into automatic doors and having them NOT open doesn't help much either. It doesn't exactly help my coolness points. I think we may be up to about five. Out of one hundred.
So Modern Family is on every Wednesday night, and we always watch it on the couch as a family. I went into my sister Sally's room to simply ask if she was coming to watch it. And she says:
"Yeah. I just didn't want to go in there because Dad was eating chips."
And then all I can really say is, "Oh, was he being gross about it?"
Because my dad eating chips sounds like a horse trying to eat a watermelon. Just gross.
I remember one time, on Schroeder's 18th birthday, we decided we wanted to go to Waterville Valley to snowboard all day. And of course, like all other days we choose to snowboard, there was a huge snow storm. It wasn't supposed to start until the afternoon, so we decided to still go, and maybe leave the mountain early, say around three instead of four. So it's early in the morning, and my parents were trying to tell us not to go, but we were NOT caving. And plus, it would be awesome, getting a snow storm while you're on the mountain. It was right before we walked out the door that my dad says this:
"They're probably gonna close the mountain."
Okay. So not only do ski resorts stay open during actual snow storms, but they actually get EXCITED for the new snow. We joked around about it for the three hour ride there, and we laughed about how I said "Dad, that's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard" and walked out the door. So we get there, the mountain is basically ours because nobody wanted to come out in that weather. At about 3pm we decide to get an early start on the ride home. And it is here that we realize that the drive home might take a while. To make a very long story short, what should have taken 3 hours to get home, it actually took 6. It was probably because we had to drive 20 mph from New Hampshire to Middleboro. But anyway, we rolled in about 9:15 pm and acted like it was the best day ever. Which it was. Just not the driving. But we couldn't let them know that. Because that would mean that they won.
But nonetheless, we came home and let my dad know that the ski resort did NOT close due to SNOW.
Watch that video and laugh.
Or laugh at this. This is where she sat the entire time I wrote this.
Cats. Love. Me.
-Jenny
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Always blame other people
I was thinking about high school the other day, and a series of stupid memories came back to haunt me. I say stupid because high school BLEW for me. I was taken away from all of my middle school friends to be put in a school a half hour away, where I basically didn't know anyone. Except for my sisters. And I actually didn't mind the uniforms, which were oxford shirts (you could ACTUALLY choose blue, white, pink, or yellow!) and plaid skirts. For me this wasn't a huge problem, people would have probably made fun of the way I really dressed anyway. But having uniforms were kind of cool, it saved time in the morning.
Now, I don't need much time to get ready anyway. I don't really wear makeup, and if I do, it's not much. I didn't do anything special with my hair. And I would choose which knee socks I wanted to wear the night before. So my time getting ready in the morning was probably ballparked around 5-10 minutes. I know I'm making this out to seem like I went to school everyday with no makeup whatsoever, hair a rats nest, and two mismatching knee socks. But that's not how it was, I swear. Okay, maybe sometimes. Only about the hair and the knee socks. It's not my fault navy blue and black look the same sometimes.
My sister, Lucy, on the other hand, was much different. I felt like she got ready for the school day the night before, and then continued when she woke up. It was like an ongoing process. I swear, she had to look like a supermodel every time she left the house for school. I mean, it probably doesn't say much about me, but I would look at her and be like, "ugh, she actually CARES about her appearance!" as I stumble out the door with my hair in a messy bun and my mismatched socks and my sneakers (that I wore with my uniform).
ANYWAY. This caused trouble sometimes. I was a sophomore and Lucy was a junior. She drove us, because I could not. Our school's policy was that if you had 3 tardies in a semester, you got a detention. Simple as that. And a tardy meant, of course, you were not in your first class by the time the second bell rang.
SO, now that that's cleared up. I would just like to point out that during high school, I probably said about 5 words. I even got the superlative of "Class Quietest." (you bastards). I did nothing wrong, I never got in trouble with anyone, I never had any problems. Except with grades from time to time, I hated math and history. I'm pretty sure that the TEACHERS didn't even notice me.
That being said, I somehow gathered up 3 tardies during this semester because Lucy would cut it so close in the morning. I would wait for twenty minutes every morning while she would get perfectionized. So the 3 tardies went like this: we'd park our car in the parking lot when the first bell rang. We'd speed walk into the building, which would put me at my locker when the second bell rang. All alone in the hallway. But wait! How many tardies did Lucy have? NONE!
Do you know what she used to say to me?! "Why can't you get to your first class?? Did you spend too much time at your locker?!"
...
So ANYWAY, I got a detention slip one day. It sucks because they used to pass them out in homeroom. Everybody watched as mine got delivered, and they had curious eyes, as of to say "what the HELL?" because they all knew I was a quiet retard. But anyway, I served this detention with all of the other disturbed children. I read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath and I remember thinking, "you know what? this isn't bad. I get to read or write or do whatever the hell I want!" I'm sure it was killing the other kids because they couldn't talk. But I never really talked, so it wasn't completely awful for me. Although when the principal came in, before it started, she joked around and had a blast with the fact that me of all people were in that room. She would talk to the teacher that was supervising us, saying things like "Keep an eye on her! She's trouble! I want to make sure you have a clear view of her!" and she would move any objects in the line of vision. Hardy har har. So funny.
I'm not complaining or anything, nor do I wish detention on my sister. But she didn't have ONE tardy?! Not ONE?! Maybe she had those roller skate sneakers. It must be. She'd be like, "screw you, JEN!" and wheels would explode out of the soles of her sneakers and she would haul ass down the hallway, knocking a few kids over and laughing like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers as she ripped around the corner. This is the only logical explanation.
I have forgiven her, but someone who looks like this DEFINITELY has wheels on the bottom of her shoes.
-Jenny
Now, I don't need much time to get ready anyway. I don't really wear makeup, and if I do, it's not much. I didn't do anything special with my hair. And I would choose which knee socks I wanted to wear the night before. So my time getting ready in the morning was probably ballparked around 5-10 minutes. I know I'm making this out to seem like I went to school everyday with no makeup whatsoever, hair a rats nest, and two mismatching knee socks. But that's not how it was, I swear. Okay, maybe sometimes. Only about the hair and the knee socks. It's not my fault navy blue and black look the same sometimes.
My sister, Lucy, on the other hand, was much different. I felt like she got ready for the school day the night before, and then continued when she woke up. It was like an ongoing process. I swear, she had to look like a supermodel every time she left the house for school. I mean, it probably doesn't say much about me, but I would look at her and be like, "ugh, she actually CARES about her appearance!" as I stumble out the door with my hair in a messy bun and my mismatched socks and my sneakers (that I wore with my uniform).
ANYWAY. This caused trouble sometimes. I was a sophomore and Lucy was a junior. She drove us, because I could not. Our school's policy was that if you had 3 tardies in a semester, you got a detention. Simple as that. And a tardy meant, of course, you were not in your first class by the time the second bell rang.
SO, now that that's cleared up. I would just like to point out that during high school, I probably said about 5 words. I even got the superlative of "Class Quietest." (you bastards). I did nothing wrong, I never got in trouble with anyone, I never had any problems. Except with grades from time to time, I hated math and history. I'm pretty sure that the TEACHERS didn't even notice me.
That being said, I somehow gathered up 3 tardies during this semester because Lucy would cut it so close in the morning. I would wait for twenty minutes every morning while she would get perfectionized. So the 3 tardies went like this: we'd park our car in the parking lot when the first bell rang. We'd speed walk into the building, which would put me at my locker when the second bell rang. All alone in the hallway. But wait! How many tardies did Lucy have? NONE!
Do you know what she used to say to me?! "Why can't you get to your first class?? Did you spend too much time at your locker?!"
...
So ANYWAY, I got a detention slip one day. It sucks because they used to pass them out in homeroom. Everybody watched as mine got delivered, and they had curious eyes, as of to say "what the HELL?" because they all knew I was a quiet retard. But anyway, I served this detention with all of the other disturbed children. I read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath and I remember thinking, "you know what? this isn't bad. I get to read or write or do whatever the hell I want!" I'm sure it was killing the other kids because they couldn't talk. But I never really talked, so it wasn't completely awful for me. Although when the principal came in, before it started, she joked around and had a blast with the fact that me of all people were in that room. She would talk to the teacher that was supervising us, saying things like "Keep an eye on her! She's trouble! I want to make sure you have a clear view of her!" and she would move any objects in the line of vision. Hardy har har. So funny.
I'm not complaining or anything, nor do I wish detention on my sister. But she didn't have ONE tardy?! Not ONE?! Maybe she had those roller skate sneakers. It must be. She'd be like, "screw you, JEN!" and wheels would explode out of the soles of her sneakers and she would haul ass down the hallway, knocking a few kids over and laughing like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers as she ripped around the corner. This is the only logical explanation.
I have forgiven her, but someone who looks like this DEFINITELY has wheels on the bottom of her shoes.
-Jenny
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