Okay, so some things happened lately that would just describe my family perfectly. Once again, if you don't know my dad, this probably won't be funny. But from the previous stories I've told, you can kind of get the picture about what kind of person he is.
The following events are true:
I explained what happened about the bees nest and how my dad just barged in on them and destroyed their home. And how he said "he was too fast for the bees" but yet was stung four times. So this is what happened tonight. Now, I have not seen my dad since it happened, but Sally and her fiance told me tonight that while I was at work, he decided to go back and snip the trees yet again, (because it seems like such a good idea to go back for round 2), and the bee stung him in the EYE. They were explaining that his eye "swelled out to here" and how "it was swollen shut" and here I am feeling like an asshole for saying that I don't feel bad at all. I really had no sympathy for him because WHO THE HELL BEATS THE SAME BEEHIVE TWICE IN A ROW?! Come on now, people. Like he really probably thought "oh there are no bees around that tree anymore, they probably all went away to find a new home." No, dad. You know what they did? They WAITED for you to come back. You probably killed their cousin or their brother while you were snipping these tree branches while you were humming "In the Summertime" by Mungo Jerry in your gym shorts (with your jockeys hanging out) and that ten year old visor and they simply wanted their revenge. They were probably like "Hey, get a load of this guy."
This is the guy that I blatantly saw take his shirt off (in front of the mirror in the middle of our living room, where we, you know, live), turn it INSIDE OUT, and then proceed to put it back on. It's like "oh hell, who needs to do LAUNDRY when you know how to turn shit INSIDE OUT!?!? It buys you an extra WEEK."
This is probably the same reason why my dad does not know HOW to do laundry. Just sayin.
So on to humiliate someone else.
Sally was driving us home the other day, and I can't stress enough that she is 26 years old, a first grade teacher, and just got engaged. Keep that in mind when I tell the following story.
Sally's driving. I'm in the passenger seat. All of a sudden, I see her sticking her hand out the window. I do this all the time, you know, in the summer when the weather is nice. But there was something different about the way she did it. I watched as her hand was "flicking" something. So I said, "What are you doing?!" and she simply replies with "I have a booger that I can't get rid of." So, of course I start cracking up, because like, I pick my nose all the time, but not IN FRONT of people. So as she's frantically flicking her fingers outside of the window, she is explaining how "there is still stuff up there" pointing to her nose.
"SEE, Jen?!" she would say as she pointed to her nose. "I got STUFF in there."
When she finally got rid of this treasure that she picked and flung out the window, it occurred to me that some ant was probably just chilling on the side of the road and got SMASHED by this mega booger. Like a meteor.
My God, this is exhausting.
-Jenny
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