I love you, Twilight series. But you're swiss cheese...cause you got a whole buncha holes.

Oh hey! Didn't see you there. I don't write in this much anymore, but I found something that I could talk about forever. No, not Channing Tatum's hot body.

But Yes. The Twilight series.

Now, don't get me wrong, I frickin love Twilight. (as if anybody didn't know that.) But lately, I can't help but notice a bunch of things that just don't make much sense. Besides the fact that Edward Cullen didn't come to Middleboro and fall in love with me.

But lets start the list, shall we? This does not go in any particular order, as nothing in my mind does.

1) Okay, so my number one complaint is the fact that Edward has sperm. He has sex with Bella and they create a baby together. So...this is not really possible, because Edward is a fucking vampire. I'm not really sure what the deal is with vampire's penises, but I'm PRETTY sure that they can't work. I'm watching Breaking Dawn Part 1 and they are on their honeymoon, and Bella is trying to seduce him. And Edward's all like "oh my god, why are you doing this to me, this is crazy" and I'm sitting here on the couch like, "don't even pretend like you can get a boner, because you CAN'T! It's not POSSIBLE."

I hate to break it to you, Stephenie. Your Edward is frozen on the inside, therefore he does not have a working penis. He cannot get erections and he sure as hell can't make a baby. Because, you know. Vampires don't have sperm.

Because like, seriously. In the movies, they kill all these vampires, and they're all stone on the inside. You do not have a penis that works like a humans.

2) Now that the obvious has been discussed. Let's talk about how they sparkle in the sun.

I realized this in the third book, "Eclipse." I understand that the Cullens live in Forks because it's always rainy and cloudy, so nobody can see how they sparkle when it's sunny out. But Edward goes with Bella to Florida to visit her mother. First of all, Edward, you're supposed to be a smart guy. Did you not know that Florida is mostly, if not all the time, sunny? Come on, you've been around for over a hundred years and you DON'T know this?

Anyway, so in the books (and the movie) it was made clear that Edward used the excuse that he had to study or write an essay or write a term paper or whatever (It's been a while since I've read it) to stay inside while he is in Florida. Okay, that's a good attempt, Stephenie. Here's what you didn't think about.

What about when he and Bella get off the airplane? When he gets in the car to go to Bella's mom's house? When he's walking from the car into the house? He's obviously going to sparkle in the beautiful Florida sun. I don't mean to be a bitch, but seriously. You can't be a "sparkly vampire in the sun" and go to Florida and have it go unnoticed. JUS SAYIN.

3) Let's be clear about when Bella finally turns into a vamp. And she DOESN'T want to slaughter all of humankind?

Stephenie makes it very clear that once you are a "newborn" vampire, it's going to be like you're looking at juicy steaks covered in A1 sauce. Only the steaks are humans. It's all like "newborn vampires are fucking crazy. They just slaughter the entire town." So when Bella wakes up as a newborn vampire, she's all like, "Oh hey, I'm completely normal, what's all the fuss? Oh, you want to invite my father over? He's a human and I can smell his blood and I want to drink him, but that's okay, I'm sure I'll do fine. Oh, he wants to hug me? I can handle that. I just woke up an hour ago as a vampire, but I'm totally trained to not want to murder humans." What? Doesn't make any sense.

I'm just sayin. If reading the Twilight series had taught me ANYTHING, it's once you turn into a vamp, you're going to want to kill anything that's human.

That and it is VERY difficult to try and seduce a hot vampire into the sack. Edward, you gentleman.

And finally

4) In the last book (and last movie), Bella's father, Charlie, is completely clueless. I love Charlie, don't get me wrong. But, he's a complete retard. Once Bella has turned into a vampire and has a child, it's obvious that something is up. But Charlie, being dumb as he is, is like "Oh look at that, you have a little baby! That's cool." And then when he sees her next, she has grown like 5 frickin years, and he's like "oh wow! Look how much you've grown! That's not weird at ALL."

Like, come on. You saw this little baby one week, then the next week you saw her, she had grown into a 6 year old girl. And you don't think anything is wrong with that? GAHD! YOU'RE THE CHIEF OF POLICE, CHARLIE! And you can't figure this shit out?

I guess I'll stop ranting now. I really love the series, I just think that Stephenie Meyer was a little drunk when she wrote parts of it. The night that she wrote the sex scene that gets Bella pregnant, I think that she had a little too much wine. She was all "I'll have Edward and Bella have sex, and he'll get her pregnant, and then they have this half vamp half human baby that grows way too fast." When, if she wasn't drinking, she would have realized that Edward's penis doesn't quite work like that and he is basically stone and therefore has a stone penis. (Not in a good way.)

That being said. Goodnight!

-Jenny.

"Untitled."

…”And I think this song is about death”,

she said, her hands clasped together.

“I wish it wasn’t,” he told her.

It was raining and they sat in the corner booth by the window.

“Sometimes people have to talk about the bad things,” she said. “It’s a part of life.”

“And if we do, it makes life so much easier.”

She sat there, not looking at anything.

He was quiet, but he always was.

They were the only ones there,

When the rain turned into snow in the streetlight, he told her, “I love you.”

She smiled and said,

“You are the love song I want to sing everyday.”

He sat there across from her, his hands around hers-cold and frail.

His breath warming her,

She knew of nothing else.

But the whisper of his words,

And the flutter in her heart when he spoke.

His words flying like gentle s

                                                n

                                                   o

                                                     w

                                                     f

                                                   l

                                                 a

                                               k

                                             e

                                           s.

Camping. Friend...or Foe?

So it's been a while. I know. And to my 3 readers, I truly apologize. Anyway, the summer is basically over and it has been a wild ride. You know, like always. 

I guess I'll start with my birthday. Because something epic happened. Yes...I played flip cup with my mother. It all started with my cousin's graduation party. You know the deal, family during the day, all the rowdy college graduates at night. So you're eating lunch with your grandma at one point, discussing current events, and the next thing you know BOOM! you're downing a beer and your mother is right next to you in a line of ten 20 something year olds. Your mom can't seem to get the cup to stand upright, and everyone is yelling at her, so she just blatantly takes it and sets it right. Everybody ignores this because she's old and they were tired of waiting. 

Plus, we weren't going to win anyway. 

Later that week, I went camping with Sally, Schroeder, and Franklin. You know, the group. (Sidebar: I think it's funny that my group of closest friends are either related to me/have grown up with me/meow when they are hungry.) Now, I'm not going to say that we were somewhat tipsysilly basically the entire time, but I'm also not going to say that we weren't. 

So we got there having high hopes of being around a bunch of kids our age. Maybe we could make friends! we thought. Wrong. After parking at our site, and after we hit a tree while doing so, we looked around at our neighbors to find that on one side was an entire family and the other side was a bunch of Asians. Nothing was wrong with either one, but it was true. These weren't people that we could stay up late and drink with. So we paid them no attention as if we were models and they were fat kids. 

The first night we "got after it" as Schroeder would often say. We made a fire, then we cooked steak on the grill. We ate the steak by candlelight because it was 9:30 pm and then we played UNO (our second favorite game to play when we're drunk). So after almost everyone is cheating and nobody is actually noticing said cheating, we are now whispering because it was officially "Quiet hours". Or at least I think we were whispering. I hope we were whispering. We had to have been whispering because nobody was yelling at us. YET. 

So blah blah blah, a huge June Bug flies into the citronella candle, Franklin picks it out and throws it in his mouth like it was a candy bar blah blah blah then he realized it tasted like citronella and spits it back out blah blah blah. "I would have swallowed it if it didn't taste like poison" blah blah. 

To tell this next part, I need to describe the backstory. My parents are an odd couple. They seem to think that wherever they are in the house and/or outside, if they just yell the other one's name, then they'll  hear it. So when my Dad wants my mom, he'll yell what sounds like "ENNNN". This isn't funny unless you know my mom's name. Let's get real and say it because the three of you readers know her already. Her name is Sharron and my dad yells "ENNNN!" in his best Kermit the Frog voice. My mom does the same thing. She will yell what sounds like "BWAHB?!" (Everybody knows dad too, his name is Bob). The funny thing about my mom yelling this is that she ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS sounds so PANICKED. Like she just saw him fall off a cliff. "BWAHB!?" 

So as the first night camping wears on, we finally find our way to the tent to go to sleep. (Yes, the four of us shared a tent, it's not weird.) The next part I do not remember doing, so I'm just going off of what everybody told me. We were talking very quietly in the tent because we are in the middle of two families and it's around midnight. Having a lovely conversation about Sally and Franklin's wedding. This is apparently about the time I thought it would be a good idea and shout out a big "BWAHHHB?!?!?!" which caused everybody to erupt in laughter. (I don't mean everybody around us, just the people in our tent). This is when we heard a "BE QUIET, PLEASE." and everything got real quiet and we went to bed. 

The next morning, Schroeder apologized to the family next to us, because we were sure it was them who didn't think our outbursts were all that funny. The woman apparently said she didn't think we were loud at all, and that we were actually good neighbors. Although she was nice, she had obviously taken a heavy amount of Tylenol PM. So if it wasn't her, then who was it? It wasn't the Asian family...but it was the couple across from us that looked like a young man with his mother. It's like, "Oh, excuse us for interrupting your slumber with your MOM! Yeah, we're four grown adults sleeping in the same tent WHAT OF IT?! Why don't you cut the cord, MOM." We didn't bother with them. They left shortly after. Because of us? We will never know.

The rest of the trip was amazingly awesome, except for the little boy next to us (who frighteningly looked like the boy from "The Grudge") waking me up both mornings riding around on his scooter RIGHT outside our tent screaming "You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" in which I made a half asleep promise to in fact "catch him, and then throw him in the lake". Oh and Sally wore a head lamp on our walks to the bathroom at night. And she kept it on, while she peed. Not just on her head, but she kept the light on. When someone else came into the bathroom, I pretended like I didn’t know her.

In other news, my mom found all my report cards basically from pre school to high school. I thought my pre school one was particularly funny. Once again, this will show Schroeder's real name. But whatever, I'll let it go just this once:

-Jenny

50 Shades of Twilight

I just want to start out by saying...my mom was talking to me about standard cars. I was telling her I didn't see the point, having to do all this work while driving when you could just have an automatic that does all that for you. She went into the whole dinosaur ages and said "Blah blah blah, when I got my license these are all we had" and I'm sitting here like..."Hey mom. This is 2012, CARS PARK THEMSELVES NOW. So WHY are we going to shift gears manually?!"

But this is the same woman who was pulling weeds the other day and fell over when one of them came out. It was like a tug of war between mom and the weed. The weed won and left mom on her ass.

Okay so. I know it's been a while, but I've been preoccupied with the overnight sensation that they call "50 Shades of Grey." It's a trilogy, so it took me exactly 2 weeks to finish. I loved it, don't get me wrong, but it's the kind of love that you hate yourself for loving it so much. The only thing I could think of while trucking through these three books was, "This is a HELL of a lot like Twilight."

I guess I have to do this so I don't ruin anyone's day, but I'm clearly going to be talking about a book. So...*MINOR SPOILER ALERT*!

Now, I know that reading the Twilight series and the 40 Shades of Grey series in record timing is definitely NAHT something to be proud of. There was supposed to be a "but" here, but I have no "but." I'm just acknowledging my patheticness. That word has a red dotted line under it...but I'm TOTALLY calling bullshit.

So, these two series are completely different. But they have CRAZAY similarities. I will do you a favor and list them here in an organized fashion:

1) Same characters. Different names. It's basically about a very NEEDY young woman who has never had a boyfriend and somehow meets a God-like older Prince Charming overprotective man. The only difference between Edward Cullen and Christian Grey is that one is a vampire and one makes the girl call him "Sir." They both have a dark past that they don't really want to talk about, yet the girl is always consistent. The girls are so consistent, I often wonder why these men aren't gay yet. HE'LL TALK ABOUT HIS PAST WHEN HE IS GOOD AND READY! Edward has a dark past because he is a fucking vampire. Obviously, he has killed people, and lots of them. Christian has a dark past because he has gagged, flogged, tied up, whipped, and chained young women that look like his mom. Okay, kind of has an Oedipus Rex feel to it. But moving on. One has a "Red Room of Pain", and the other just has a red mouth.

2) Edward and Christian are both filthy stinkin rich. Edward is rich because he is 109 frickin years old. Christian is rich because he is a smooth operator.

3) Don't get me STARTED on the GIRLS. First of all, they are original. There is absolutely NOTHING special about them. Yet they have these God-like men falling for them and doing everything for them. Okay, let's come back to REALITY...how many nice girls are out there that have SHIT for boyfriends? Or how many fat girls are chomping at the bit for any old boy to LOOK at them!? But no, here's Bella and Anastasia, two completely MEDIOCRE girls, and look who they have for boyfriends. GOD. And they. are. so. needy! They meet a guy, who HAPPENS to be their FIRST BOYFRIEND mind you, and they are completely in love. They cannot be away from them for a nanosecond. Maybe I sound like a heartless bitch, but if you can't be away from your boyfriend/husband for a second, then you need to see a doctor and/or GET A GRIP ON LIFE.

4) Still on the subject of the girls...they are so HELPLESS! I actually feel bad for them!

5) Both get married quite young. Both get unexpected pregnancy. Clearly, one happened after a weekend of sex, the other happened after having sex 5 times a day for 4 months. Obviously one pregnancy is a lot worse, given the fact the baby is a vampire, but still.

6) Bella can never get Edward to have sex with her. Anastasia can't get away from sex with Christian to let her get out of bed to go to the bathroom/eat/shower/go to work/do anything. Honestly, it's like...."HOW CAN THIS GIRL WALK?" Or even FUNCTION.

7) The neediness. I can't take it.

8) Edward and Christian are so overbearingly controlling. If I had a boyfriend that controlling, I'd slap that kid around. No questions asked!

9) Both the men buy their spouses an expensive car. What the Christ is this all about? I had a 1995 Volvo 850 station wagon that LITERALLY shit the bed. And theses bitches get Audis?!

I enjoyed Fifty Shades. Don't get me wrong. But come on now, for a couple who has sex every day every ten minutes is NOT HEALTHY! That cannot be healthy for a HUMAN BEING. If two days have gone by and you've had sex TEN times in EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE there is some serious health risks. I'm actually CONCERNED for Anastastia's and Christian's health. I don't think that they should be ALIVE.


But hey, you're listening to me. The girl who got an unknown caller from Forks, Washington the other day and thought, "ZOHMYGOD, EDWARD CULLEN IS CALLING ME." I'm clearly not suitable for judging people.

-Jenny

I threw up in your sink...you never knew that?!

My mother and I were talking about how she used to play Barbies with me and my sisters when we were really little. My mother used to play this ditsy Barbie whose name was Whitney, and her trademark move was that she would sit down in a chair and get stuck in it. This KILLED my sisters and I. I remember laughing so hard EVERY time she did it. Like it never got old. I also had half a brain back then. I would laugh at a brick wall. 

So during this conversation, I asked my mom what I would do when we played Barbies, as I forgot because I was soooo young. This is how she responded:

"You just stripped them. You loved taking their clothes off. Lucy and Sally would love changing their clothes all the time, but you just stripped the Barbies."

and then:

"And you would try and cut their hair off. Like all of it."

I can just see myself now. "Mom, these Barbies don't look like GI Joes. Where are the goddamned scissors!?!? We need to straighten these girls out, they have way too much time on their hands, what, with going to the beach all the time and going shopping. They need to learn some moral fiber Mom. JUS SAYIN." 

I guess this is about the same time I cut my own hair. I aimlessly cut it and then asked my mom if it was okay if I cut it. She said no, then I was all like...Oh. Then she saw the chunk of hair I had in my hand. JOKE'S ON YOU MOM, I ALREADY CUT IT!

I swear, it's the effect that the Barbies have on you as a young girl. I totally blame them. It's like, "Stop smiling at me, you dumb blonde."

Sally threw a surprise party for Franklin last weekend, and there was one problem: She bought way too much alcohol. Of course, this really isn't a problem at all. 

So they were cleaning up after everyone left, and there was about six bottles of wine left, and a full 30 rack and a half of bud light. As my dad was putting all of this by the door for Sally to take, I would tell him what any 23 year old alcohol loving girl would say. 

"Dad, just put that up in my room."

"Actually...put it under my pillow with the rest."

And then when he would walk the opposite way, I would correct him and say "Dad, my room is that way...where are you going?"

Oh well. This is what happens when you leave your "To Do" list just laying around anywhere:

Haha, mom is such a good sport. 

Song: The Civil Wars "Poison & Wine"

Cheers,

Jenny

jargos and over preparing

Okay. So.

It's been a while, and I know for a FACT that there is a lot of catching up to do. The thing is, I don't really know where I left off. So I guess I'll just start with the most important thing.

My dad bought a pair of JARGOS this past weekend. I feel like this is a problem. For those of you who do not know what Jargos are, I will tell you. They are a pair of jean cargo shorts. I don't want to be mean here, but Jargos are something to definitely make fun of. Here is a picture of my dad's new jargos:

Now, I know that everyone has their own style. And believe me, my dad has a complete style of his own. (fyi, he wears jean shorts, socks up to his knees, white sneakers, and a VISOR to top it off.) I keep wanting to say that "I'm not here to make fun," but honestly...how could I not. What I really wanted to get a picture of was my dad actually WEARING these jargos and doing a Captain Morgan stance. Like he oddly always does.

Jus sayin.

I guess I should switch it over to another family member. Sally.

Last week I took Schroeder and Sally on a nature walk in Pratt Farm. You know, just something fun to do with your friends. So Shroeder and I go prepared, with a light jacket and some hardcore sneakers. Sally comes with some fashionable boots and a HUGE purse filled with a camera and a bag of Bugles. Mind you, we are NOT going camping for a week, nor are we trying to survive the Alaskan woods. We are taking a walk around the woods in the armpit of Middleboro.

So everything is going fine until we are simply walking down a path and Schroeder and I hear a crinkling behind us. It's not some kind of animal, it is Sally digging into her purse and snacking on her Bugles. After we relentlessly make fun of her, she starts to bark out about how "If we got lost, look who the prepared one is." Yes. There she is. The 6 year old who brought snacks to a 45 minute long hike through a Middleboro farm.

This is the same girl that was disgruntled about how I had to work tonight, so I couldn't go to the beach with her today. This is what she told me. "Everyone should be on vacation because I'M on vacation." This is what I hate about teachers. They bitch and moan every single day about their job, but I think they are forgetting ONE huge thing. Um, are you aware of the fact that you have a shit load of days off? Including but not limited to Thanksgiving, Christmas, ummmm......that whole 3 months....what do you call it...SUMMER?!, flag day, president's day, columbus day, easter, halloween, martin luther king day, the day you need to get a haircut, april vacation, february vacation, did I mention flag day? Oh but no, complain away.

Which is prominently why when we went to lunch, Schroeder, Sally, and I, she busted out a FOLDER of her plans for something coming up. If Sally was planning a TEA PARTY for a bunch of stuffed animals, she would have a folder full of papers with what kind of music they'll play and what kind of plastic scones they would eat. I mean, MY GOD, is there anything you DON'T write a list for? "I'm going to make a list about the list I'm going to make later on today." And the thing that gets me every time is the fact that she KNOWS Schroeder and I make fun of her for all of this shit that she does on a daily basis. Yet she continues to say, "Hey, look at my folders." I'm sorry to say, sister, that the only legitimate reason for you to be carrying around plastic folders in your purse is if you were either an FBI agent or a college student.

-Jenny

ZZ Top songs and imaginary baseball gloves.

So, this weekend was interesting. To say the least.

It's funny, the things you learn about people that you never knew. Like when your parents have a few friends over. And disturbing news arises.

Now, I know that when we go to the Vineyard every year, my parents tell our neighbors that they can come and use our pool any time. And I knew that our neighbors did this. No big deal. What I DIDN'T know was that they skinny dip in our pool. Now, upon hearing this, I went into shock. And by shock, I mean I started yelling a lot, and MAYBE suffered from a rage blackout. Because honestly, not only is that COMPLETELY wrong, but I came home and swam in that pool! I GOT THE WATER IN MY MOUTH! I OPEN MY EYES UNDER WATER! And you tell ME that naked people have been in my pool and NOT expect me to flip my lid!?

So anywho. Speaking of naked people, we put on a variety of CDs and the Armageddon soundtrack was one of them. This CD is full of Aerosmith and other old bands. There was a ZZ Top song, and Schroeder fell in love with it. Before the weekend was over, he bought the ringtone. Now, I don't have a problem with ZZ Top, but there's just something about the beards. It just doesn't sit right with me. Just saying. It's a fire hazard.

We went out last night to a bar, and after having many beers (who am I kidding, we were drinking all day), we were on our way home and while we were blasting Phil Collins "You'll Be In My Heart" on the back roads of Middleboro, Schroeder jacks on the brakes and says "WAS THAT A BASEBALL MITT?!" and for some reason, I thought he said "baseball bat." (Yes, I am aware that these two words do not at all sound like one another.) To which I am somewhat nervous, because when someone gets THAT excited over a baseball bat, then A) they are going to beat you senseless with it, or B) they are going to want to play baseball, and Schroeder is awful at baseball, or C) they are going to beat someone ELSE with the baseball bat, in which I wouldn't want to bail him out of jail afterwards. Then he proceeds to throw the car in reverse and back up what seemed like HALF A MILE. Upon investigating, I started cracking up because not only was it NOT a baseball mitt, but it was a piece of shiny paper on the road. We proceeded to drive home and while I was almost peeing myself laughing, all Schroeder could say was, "Damn, I thought I found myself a free baseball mitt."

But in all  honesty, would you want to stick your hand in a place you have no idea where its been?

So when we got home, we watched a movie on Lifetime. Heh. When you watch a movie on Lifetime it only means one thing. There is absolutely NOTHING else on.

The movie was "Obsessed", and it had Beyonce in it. Now, I really don't like Beyonce. I mean, I think she's a nice enough person, but as an actress, (and as a singer) I think she's awful. In this movie, her husband is being seduced by a hot blonde who just wants to get him in the sack. So I understand this dilemma, but Beyonce does not smile ONCE in this movie. It's like, yeah I know that your husband MAY OR MAY NOT BE having an affair, but it's not like your grandmother got run over by a reindeer. I mean come on. There are worse things in the world that could happen then a sex crazed blonde hussie that's after your husband's weiner. Just sayin.

I don't want to spoil the ending in case anyone wants to actually see this movie, but let's just say that Beyonce "Don't want no scrub."


-Jenny

"Hey, somebody get Pork Fried Rice out of the way."

So, going to concerts in Boston is fun. Especially when you miss the last train of the night.

Schroeder and I went to see Jack's Mannequin at the House of Blues on Friday night. The funny thing is, we're retarded. First, getting there, we took the wrong train. So we got off and proceeded to walk there. Which wasn't bad at all. When we got there, we decided to get some drinks first. (of course.)

When we got to the actual House of Blues, we took a tour of the place. We walked by the bar and both said "oh good, here is the bar." Throughout the night, that was our meeting place after we would go pee. You know it's a Jen and Schroeder night when our meeting place is the bar. But that's pretty much everywhere we go.

Anyway, we couldn't really see all that well during the show, (I told Schroeder numerous times to "PUT ME ON YOUR SHOULDERS!") which he never did. But we still had fun. We yelled, screamed, sung, and danced. Schroeder did the Carlton dance at one point while we were walking around. If no one is familiar with this dance, it goes like this:

But not as good as that.

So after the show got out, we saw that it was 11:45. We knew all night that the trains stopped running at 12:50. So, we said to ourselves, "hey, let's get another drink." So we did, and we went to this bar/club where people were dancing and there was a DJ and the music was hella loud. And instead of dancing like normal people do, we sat at the bar and I screamed about work. And before you know it, it's 12:30. Long story short, only made it back half way. Took a cab the rest of the way. I don't really like cabs, there's just something about having a complete stranger drive you somewhere. But whatever, he was a better driver than anyone in the Kaz family.

So anyway. The Superbowl happened. There is just something about me and football that don't get along. It doesn't understand me, and I don't understand it. I don't understand why all of these men weigh 200 lbs and up, and they stuff themselves into these spandex outfits. To make matters worse, they have EVERY GODDAMNED PLAY in slow motion. No, not slow motion, SUPER slow motion. Where you can see every jiggle. EVERY. JIGGLE. You'd honestly think they'd have more reasonable uniforms. AND, it's boring! Half the time they are just standing around! But anyway, the Superbowl party was fun. You know, my sister fell asleep half way through, Franklin flipped out because the Giants won, I heard a 3 year old say the phrase "Oh, SHIT!" I saw a kid run into the slider door because he thought it was open. You know, the usual.

Lessons learned: Don't go out for beers when you have less than an hour to ride two trains. Don't make fun of Asian people when they are standing directly in front of you. You'll never be tall enough to see clearly at a concert. Don't stand too close to your best friend while he is doing the "Carlton", because he will come THIS CLOSE to punching you square in the face.

-Jenny

"My knee hurts because I have this huge rip in my jeans from being on my knees a lot at work...shut up."

So, the first thing I want to talk about is the mice that are scampering around my house. I love that word. Scamper. If I ever have another cat, his/her name is definitely going to be Scamper. I was sitting in my living room the other day just minding my own goddamned business when Diego is flipping out because there is a MOUSE that was there. They were having a good ol fashioned stare down. Then the mouse scampered away and out of our lives. OR SO WE THOUGHT. Little did we know, it was just the beginning.

So, a few nights later, around midnight thirty, I hear a commotion coming from the hallway. It was here that I heard a little squeak. I knew it was the mouse and I knew that she was probably dead now. Diego holds no prisoners. So I seek them out and Diego is walking towards me with this little mouse in her mouth. My first thought was, "Oh my God, we are NOT kissing anymore." But then I felt bad for the mouse, so I told her to put it down for some reason. Of course, if the mouse was still alive, it was obviously going to scamper away again. But it didn't. It just stood there, shaking. And you'd think Diego would go apeshit and rip it to shreds or something. But she just sat back and stared at it. Like, "yeah, I think we all know who's in charge here." (I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was, in fact, in charge.) So anyway, I didn't know what to do, so I took a towel and picked it up. Weirdly, it let me. Then I threw it outside.

It kind of sounds like I was doing a good deed here. I took the mouse from the cat's mouth and placed it gently outside. When in reality, I chucked it outside into the snow. However, when I checked a few minutes later, it was gone.

It's probably back in the house. But eh.

By the way, this is the look Diego was giving the mouse:

Speaking of snow, I took my Lucy's car to work the other day, which happened to be after a big snow storm. Our roads weren't plowed at all, so I barely got out of the driveway and started to slightly slipnslide. I thought it was quite funny/ peculiar that there is a LIGHT that goes on in the car that lets you know that you are, in fact, swerving. It's like, "Oh no, I totally don't feel myself going off the road or anything. Oh look, the light, I AM going off the road."When in reality, by the time the light goes on, you'd probably be in the trees anyway.

I was told once that I don't make fun of myself as much as I should on here. Many people seem to think that I only make fun of OTHER people. Which is obviously, COMPLETE bullcrap. But anywho.

I was having a conversation with Lucy the other day that led to me basically not knowing who Coco Chanel is. Clearly, I am not a girl. But I tried to redeem myself by simply buying a lipstick. It made me feel a little better. Anyway, here is how the conversation went:

Lucy: Do you want to watch that Coco Chanel DVD that I have?
Me: I'd rather die.
Lucy: You know who Coco Chanel is.....right??
Me: Uh, YEAH. She's a uhhhhh, I mean, isn't she a uhhhhh, doesn't she have a lot of...uhhhh.....isn't she like a fashion idol?
(she finally stops laughing)
Lucy: She's a designer, Jen.
Me: Yeah, that's what I meant.

Whatever.


Anyway, here is what I do instead of studying the fashion of Coco Chanel.

-Jenny

"...Do you want to talk about Columbine some more??"

So, I haven't written in quite some time. A few changes have happened.

1) I have a new favorite beer-Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why? Well, it's okay, but for the most part, it's the cheapest beer ever. Once I bought an 18 pack for 11 dollars, I was flabberghasted. The red line under that word tells me it's not spelled right, but I think it is...soooooo anyway. It may not be my new favorite beer by choice, but by price.

I think the bottom line is, when you work at Shaw's, you drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. It's just one step above living in a cardboard freakin box.

2) I'm going to wear scarves more often. I always used to, but I mean like everyday. It makes me feel more...poetic. When in reality, I haven't written a poem for over 3 months. Although I DID write 3 LINES of a poem the other day. See? Making progress. I'm gonna be like one of those people who go to Starbucks and keep their scarf on the whole entire time and wear fake glasses and pretend to be writing poetry, when all you're really doing is writing a list of celebrities you would "do". If you think I'm saying this from experience, you may or may not be right.

3) I don't know if this is a new development, but I stole Wet Naps the other night. Now, this is surprising to me because first of all, I have never really ordered something that required Wet Naps. I try not to look like a disgusting pig when I eat (although it always seems to happen). But seriously, I was just with friends who ordered wings, and the waitress gave us a pile of Wet Naps. What's the first thing I do? I steal the Wet Naps. Why? I have no idea. Probably the same reason why I stole the miniature toothpick sword that they put in sandwiches. (After I had a sword fight with Schroeder, of course). It's like I'm a packrat. I just have to steal all these little things.

Anyway, I have had this thing recently where I want to start watching more serious movies. Like, movies with meaning. I just don't want to watch stupid retarded comedies all the time, like I used to when I was 15. I told this to my boyfriend Linus, and in response, he FORCES me to watch "MacGruber". Now, I don't know how many people have heard or seen this movie, but it goes directly under the "stupid retarded comedy". In other words, the kind of movies that I wanted to watch less of. But no, instead I am watching a man tell another man he wants to "cut his dick off and shove it down his throat". I almost screamed, but kept calm.


Kind of like if you had a "weird" dream about someone that you know, and when they come up to you and comment on your new haircut, you want to scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!" but realize that the dream in fact, NEVER happened.

Linus and I played trivia tonight at Friday's, like we always do. But this week, it was only the two of us on account of all our friends are completely lamefaces. I was going to say that they are retarded, but it would contradict what I am about to say.

We did awful. And I mean like "Joaquin Pheonix on Leno" awful. We didn't know any answers to any questions. We finished with about 54 points, while the average final scores ranged from 80-100. AND WE CHEATED on some of the questions! And the questions we DIDN'T cheat on were like "Oh I think the answer is Poland!" WRONG, the answer was the NETHERLANDS. That's almost as bad as being asked what color the sky is and replying with "FIRETRUCKS". Dear LORD.

My mom told me she worried about me today. She said this because apparently I do not know my way out of a paper bag. This hurt somewhat. But I'll keep truckin...


-Jenny

Sleeping arrangements?

So Christmas and New Years happened. This will always be my favorite time of year. I guess I'll just describe the highlights.

Christmas was very fun, like it always is. We came back from my aunt's house and we watched the Muppet Christmas Carol, and Schroeder came by at 1:30 am. We were still awake when the movie ended, so we watched it again. There is nothing like seeing the Muppet Marleys sing "We're Marley and Marley" twice. I still think that I'm right when they are going back down to wherever they came from after they sing their song, they say "CHAINS!" Because I guess they say "CHANGE!" because they are demanding that Scrooge "change" his evil ways. BUT! The Marley brothers ARE in fact, in chains. I mean, if I were wrapped up in chains, I'd be yelling out "CHAINS" too.

So anyway.

Christmas day was lovely, and I would like to say that I tried skateboarding (for the first time since I was 12-13 years old) and I somehow lost my balance going down a slight incline. What happened you ask? I totally ate shit is what happened. I fell so hard backwards that my chin actually hit the ground. I don't even know how that happened. I can't say I'm sad that it happened, I'm just saying that maybe it's the pavement's way of saying "why the HELL are you on a skateboard right now? You are 23 years old, loser!" Normally, I would say something like, "well, you're never too old to do something," but the soreness, the scrapes, and a bruise the size of Jupiter on my leg are enough evidence to say "stay away from things with wheels, asshole."

It's funny, because balance is all that snowboarding is. And I can actually snowboard. So why when I step on a skateboard, my balance goes out to lunch? It's like when I step on a skateboard my balance sees a hot guy walk by and is like "oop, see yah later!" Then WHAM! Here's the ground. AND I'd much rather fall on snow than on pavement. Just sayin.

New Year's Eve was last night, and might I say, it was glorious. Since we live in a quiet, homey, cozy neighborhood, we thought it was only proper that we light a shit ton of fireworks off in the middle of our street. Franklin and Schroeder lit them off while us girls stayed back and watched from a distance. The funny thing was, when they lit the fuse, they scampered off, giggling. Every time. There's just something about two grown men scampering and giggling that makes me laugh. The fireworks were extremely big and loud, and when they were done, we heard sirens in the distance. So we ran back into the house.

There was one point in the night that my dad was trying to figure out who was going to sleep where that night, seeing as how pretty much everyone was staying the night. I don't like to repeat this, but it simply cannot go unsaid.

This is a direct quote of what my dad had said:

"If you're tight for room tonight, you can just sleep in between mom and I..."

Upon hearing this, I bursted out in laughter, as did everyone else. When I saw that he was looking at me with not even a FLINCH of humor, I told him that he could not be serious. When his face did not change again, I realized that he said this 101% serious. It is here that I got a really weird feeling and wanted to walk out of the house forever.

Then he said to my MARRIED sister and her husband that she could sleep with Lucy and he could sleep on the couch. Dad, like seriously, they're married now. They sleep in the same bed. What part of this aren't you getting? Sometimes I think my dad's brain plays hopscotch. Like when he mixes weird alcohol together that definitely shouldn't be mixed with the other. It's funny though because nowadays, all the weird shit that he does, everyone just passes it off because now it is seen as his "normal behavior". Kind of like "Dad's doing situps in his underwear? Yeah, so? What's the issue?"

-Jenny