But Yes. The Twilight series.
Now, don't get me wrong, I frickin love Twilight. (as if anybody didn't know that.) But lately, I can't help but notice a bunch of things that just don't make much sense. Besides the fact that Edward Cullen didn't come to Middleboro and fall in love with me.
But lets start the list, shall we? This does not go in any particular order, as nothing in my mind does.
1) Okay, so my number one complaint is the fact that Edward has sperm. He has sex with Bella and they create a baby together. So...this is not really possible, because Edward is a fucking vampire. I'm not really sure what the deal is with vampire's penises, but I'm PRETTY sure that they can't work. I'm watching Breaking Dawn Part 1 and they are on their honeymoon, and Bella is trying to seduce him. And Edward's all like "oh my god, why are you doing this to me, this is crazy" and I'm sitting here on the couch like, "don't even pretend like you can get a boner, because you CAN'T! It's not POSSIBLE."
I hate to break it to you, Stephenie. Your Edward is frozen on the inside, therefore he does not have a working penis. He cannot get erections and he sure as hell can't make a baby. Because, you know. Vampires don't have sperm.
Because like, seriously. In the movies, they kill all these vampires, and they're all stone on the inside. You do not have a penis that works like a humans.
2) Now that the obvious has been discussed. Let's talk about how they sparkle in the sun.
I realized this in the third book, "Eclipse." I understand that the Cullens live in Forks because it's always rainy and cloudy, so nobody can see how they sparkle when it's sunny out. But Edward goes with Bella to Florida to visit her mother. First of all, Edward, you're supposed to be a smart guy. Did you not know that Florida is mostly, if not all the time, sunny? Come on, you've been around for over a hundred years and you DON'T know this?
Anyway, so in the books (and the movie) it was made clear that Edward used the excuse that he had to study or write an essay or write a term paper or whatever (It's been a while since I've read it) to stay inside while he is in Florida. Okay, that's a good attempt, Stephenie. Here's what you didn't think about.
What about when he and Bella get off the airplane? When he gets in the car to go to Bella's mom's house? When he's walking from the car into the house? He's obviously going to sparkle in the beautiful Florida sun. I don't mean to be a bitch, but seriously. You can't be a "sparkly vampire in the sun" and go to Florida and have it go unnoticed. JUS SAYIN.
3) Let's be clear about when Bella finally turns into a vamp. And she DOESN'T want to slaughter all of humankind?
Stephenie makes it very clear that once you are a "newborn" vampire, it's going to be like you're looking at juicy steaks covered in A1 sauce. Only the steaks are humans. It's all like "newborn vampires are fucking crazy. They just slaughter the entire town." So when Bella wakes up as a newborn vampire, she's all like, "Oh hey, I'm completely normal, what's all the fuss? Oh, you want to invite my father over? He's a human and I can smell his blood and I want to drink him, but that's okay, I'm sure I'll do fine. Oh, he wants to hug me? I can handle that. I just woke up an hour ago as a vampire, but I'm totally trained to not want to murder humans." What? Doesn't make any sense.
I'm just sayin. If reading the Twilight series had taught me ANYTHING, it's once you turn into a vamp, you're going to want to kill anything that's human.
That and it is VERY difficult to try and seduce a hot vampire into the sack. Edward, you gentleman.
And finally
4) In the last book (and last movie), Bella's father, Charlie, is completely clueless. I love Charlie, don't get me wrong. But, he's a complete retard. Once Bella has turned into a vampire and has a child, it's obvious that something is up. But Charlie, being dumb as he is, is like "Oh look at that, you have a little baby! That's cool." And then when he sees her next, she has grown like 5 frickin years, and he's like "oh wow! Look how much you've grown! That's not weird at ALL."
Like, come on. You saw this little baby one week, then the next week you saw her, she had grown into a 6 year old girl. And you don't think anything is wrong with that? GAHD! YOU'RE THE CHIEF OF POLICE, CHARLIE! And you can't figure this shit out?
I guess I'll stop ranting now. I really love the series, I just think that Stephenie Meyer was a little drunk when she wrote parts of it. The night that she wrote the sex scene that gets Bella pregnant, I think that she had a little too much wine. She was all "I'll have Edward and Bella have sex, and he'll get her pregnant, and then they have this half vamp half human baby that grows way too fast." When, if she wasn't drinking, she would have realized that Edward's penis doesn't quite work like that and he is basically stone and therefore has a stone penis. (Not in a good way.)
That being said. Goodnight!
-Jenny.
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