A poem!

Instead of rain, it was flowers this time.
He wasn't crying, he was happy
Although I mix those up all the time.

They were white flowers, I remember this much
They were swirling all around,
And the sky was so blue
I stuck my arms out,
In hopes of sprouting wings,
To get to you.

The flowers were flying, and so were the birds,
You always were.

My eyes are blue, I remember this much
Some say they have hints of gray
Not steel gray; not boring gray
Electric, magnetic
You had the same color.
They lit up when they saw us,
I remember that.
I bet they still do.

But now you are stone, so I will never know.
Only the flowers, twirling in the wind
Playing with my hair, kissing my face with their petals
I can't see them,
But I know they still light up,
Like the sun when it sees the day.

Who really says "dungarees" anymore?

So I'm here in the living room all alone and it's midnight and it sounded like a wall of rain just crashed into the side of my house. Not to sound sissy, but I'm so scared. For some odd reason, rain scares me, especially at night. But now Diego is with me, so it's all good.

So I forgot to mention that on Easter we were making fun of my dad for the way that he talks. He says "dungarees" when he means jeans, "shots" when he means shorts, and SOMETIMES, he says "tonic" when he means soda. This is the man who only owns jean shorts, or as the kids call em, "jorts". I really don't know anybody who dresses the way that my dad does, (in the summertime) which is, sleeveless shirt, jorts, and mandals. And a visor. That says "Jagermeister" on it. Oh, and he doesn't like to match either.

It was really hot on Easter, so when Schroeder would say "oh man I could really use some shots, I would ask him what kind. The ones you put on your legs or the ones you put in your belly?

Speaking of words said in weird ways, I just realized that my mom says the word "idea" as "idear". I think it's funny.

So I made a cheesecake today, because let's face it, I'm getting kinda fat.

It looked like this:

And then I ate a lot of it and now I feel sick.


For some reason, I got really excited when I saw that "The Last Song" was playing on Starz today, so I watched it because I have never seen the end. I've seen the beginning and the middle all about Miley Cyrus wearing chuck taylors and sporting a pierced nose (honestly, WHAT would DISNEY think?!) falling in love with some hunky guy. Although he's not bad to look at. I looked at him a lot. But this movie pretty much just puts Miley up on a pedestal. She's like "look, I can sing!" and he's like "oh em gee, i'm wicked in love with you!" and then she's like "oh hey, I can play the piano like a mofo too!" and he's like "ho-ly crap, who would have thunk it!?" And it just gets to a point where I'm sitting there like....you know what Miley? Everyone on this goddamned earth knows that you are musically talented, why don't you just go back to your huge house and smoke some more "herbs" with your stupid friends who are going to put it on the internet anyway. You were on the DISNEY channel for chrissakes.

But anyway, yeah I cried like a baby at the end. Tears rolling down my face. Shirt getting wet. By myself.

But it's better than crying during "Tangled", which my sister Sally did in fact do.

In all honesty, I got teary eyed with this one too. Goddammit.

-Jenny

"I was a good fisherman!"

So my best friend and I got yo yos for Easter. They were BRAINS. They were awesome. Mine sleeps longer than his does. Which comes in handy for my SICK TRICKS. I only have one...FOR NOW. Anyway, my sister Sally seemed like she didn't even know what the hell she was doing at first, we were actually convinced that she didn't know how to simply throw it down and bring it back up. Then she just randomly busts this out.

Anyway. Let me talk about my Dad.
So, I was a little late for work the other day per usual, and I'm on my way out of the house when my dad was coming in from shopping. Now, my dad doesn't usually go out in public. He goes to work and he comes home. It's funny seeing my dad shopping at Christmas time because he just doesn't know what to do in malls. He just always seems so lost, and he asks questions like "what's THAT store?" and I'm like "dad, that's Best Buy."

But anyway, I guess he went to Dick's Sporting Goods and then he went to Walmart. Picturing my dad in a Walmart is probably the funniest thing I could ever picture. I can just picture him wandering around picking out and looking at random things. So imagine me, my mom, and my sisters reaction when he says "hey guys look what I bought!" and pulls out a Train CD. I wasn't there in the store with him, but I can only guess at what he was thinking when he was lost in the music section and unfortunately stumbled upon a Train CD. It was probably something like this, "Train...Train...where have I heard that name before? I think they sing that song 'Soul Sister'. I like that song. I only like it because everybody else does. I wonder what they have for food in this place?" And he wanders off. I'm not making fun of him, I just don't really know anyone who goes out shopping for an afternoon and comes back with a Train CD and a basketball.

Lucy was telling me that when they were leaving for work the other morning, my dad picked up a dead mouse that one of our cats got with his bare hands. Lucy, like any normal human being, offered hand sanitizer to him, and of course his reply was "what's that?"

Yesterday was Easter and for some odd reason, it's a tradition in our family to have Chinese Food. Nobody really knows why, and if you ask me, it's kind of random. So yesterday, for reasons unknown, Schroeder and I were elected to go and pick it up. Our entire driveway was a fustercluck, and a bunch of cars were blocked in. So Lucy says, "Take my car if you want!" which doesn't really make any sense, because who on earth would want Schroeder driving their car?

So we did and since Lucy's car is boss, we had the radio thumpin and bumpin on the ride home, and we happened to be rocking out to Katy Perry's "Firework" when we pulled into our neighborhood. Of course I had to turn it down because, you know, can't be ruining reputations.

Other than that, all there is left to say is that I think doctor's appointments are weird. Anything involving a woman touching my boobs while having a full on conversation with me is just plain awkward. Although if she wasn't talking, that might be even weirder.

-Jenny

Boys use toilet paper when they go #1. Oh...you didn't know that?

Okay, so. The first thing I would prefer to discuss is probably the fact that my 25 (almost 26) year old sister thought that guys use toilet paper when they pee. Upon hearing this, I was almost as shocked that she was actually serious as she was when she found out that they didn't. This is how it happened. We were outside having a campfire last week and her boyfriend was talking about how he just wanted to pee outside rather than go inside and do it. It's here that Sally says, "Why would you want to go outside? There's no toilet paper outside."

Now, sometimes I don't know whether she's serious or not. I waited it out in complete silence, then realized that she really thought this, THEN I bursted out in laughter. Her boyfriend didn't think that it was as weird that she didn't know this as much as I did. I think he just felt bad for her.

But honestly. Boys wiping their hmm hmms with toilet paper after they take a wiz? Come on now.

So I worked tonight for five hours and I only saw TWO people in their pjs! That's still a lot by the way. Once again Carver, people in their scummy pjs just go on to prove that you are a dirty, scummy town. People from Carver make me think of those people who chew on pieces of straw. Who also wear denim overalls without a shirt underneath them, and who drive shitass pick up trucks with mismatching doors and a bunch of shit in the bed of it (probably dead bodies). And who scream country songs as they drive them slowly down Carver roads.

No offense though. People from Carver are just wonderful.

So I've noticed that my dad likes to repeat himself. And I'm sure that everyone knows this already. He comes in the house the other day and he said that he was going to the "halifax package store" about six times in one minute. #1) Who the HELL calls it a package store anymore?! It's "the beer store" and #2) WE KNOW! We heard you the first time, and the second time, and the third time, and the fourth time, and the OMG JUST GO ALREADY!" I've never met anyone who actually NARRATES their life like this. Actually, I'm pretty sure nobody narrates their own life. My dad does. He thinks his life is a story. It most certainly is not.

One time, Schroeder asked Sally what a "seafood salad" was, and she replied with "oh you know, it's a salad...with seafood in it." This is how she explains things, and she is a 1st grade teacher.

So a weird thing happened last week, and it was this. We had just got done golfing and we went out to lunch. I really had to pee and had kept it in for a while on the golf course, so when I got to the bathroom I peed and it went on for about ten minutes. When it was streaming, I heard someone come in. When I exited the stall, I saw that it was an old lady. I washed my hands and she turned to me and said something like " It's really good, huh?"

Of course I don't know what to say because she is obviously crazy. So I just awkwardly laugh as she leaves. Was she talking about my hour long pee? Or was she talking about how insane she was? Or was she talking about how good taking a piss in her Depends was? I bet that's nice.

My best friend.


Love, Jenny

Diet Coke and Cheezits. They were made to go together.

So we went golfing today. I told them I was bad but we had the entire place to ourselves (because it was closed) and we could just mess around. First, I couldn't get the club and the ball to make contact. Then, when I finally did, it kept going to the right, mainly in the woods or sand. Then, I couldn't make the putts. I don't see golfing in my future. My sister Sally is pretty good though, this is how she golfs:

and this is how she sits by campfires:

Don't feel bad, it looks like she is crying. She's not. She's just getting fire blown in her face by the wind. We thought her blanket was going to catch on fire. It didn't.

You know what the worst thing ever is? Burnt Cheezits. When you eat them in the dark, you can't tell =(

I've been thinking lately about how many times my best friend Schroeder has crashed his bike on my street when we were kids. Now, the street that I live on has six houses on it, (including ours) and you can see the end of it from the beginning. And it's not busy. It's one of those roads that doesn't have a yellow line down the middle, or any line whatsoever. The only people that travel down it EVER are the people who live there. So the fact that he has crashed his bike in two serious accidents is beyond me. But they were both his fault, obviously.

The first one was when he decided to stick his foot in the front wheel of his bicycle. Now, I'm not sure what would ever possess a child to do this, but he did. Of course the bike stops here, and he goes right over the handlebars, doing a superman, and breaking the fall with his face. I have no idea why he didn't throw his hands out, maybe he had his fingers up his nose, as he still does to this day.

Anyway, when this happened I heard a SHRIEK and I saw him RUNNING up the front yard to my house. The only thing I thought was this: "oh my goodness, he left his BIKE in the middle of the ROAD!"

And, like a good friend, I went over to it and brought it back up to the house. Instead of tending to my friend, who obviously busted up his face a little bit, I saved his bike from the MILLION of cars that were ZOOMING by on our road. Haha, I think the most we'd have to worry about is an ant stealing Schroeder's bike.

So then, the second crash, was much funnier. We're riding full speed down our little road and there is a delivery truck backing out of our driveway. So, Schroeder decides to zoom past them, making a face at them like the little shit that he was. He was too busy looking at them and not at the road, and that is how he ending up hitting the curb full speed and launching himself into the bushes.

I don't know what it is about the "superman", but he loved doing it as a kid.

And you know what makes me an awful friend? Both times I LAUGHED. I'm pretty sure he cried, but I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Don't get me wrong, I was concerned a little, but for the most part, I was pretty much just like "This kid is freakin hilarious! He keeps hurting himself on his BICYCLE. And he MOONS people!"

I was describing to my mother the other day about how I ran the rock wall over, and she was deeply concerned. (Not about me or my car, about the rock wall.) So the only way that I could explain it was to simply say, "Mom, like, IT was the lawn and I was the lawnmower..."

Everyone should hear Iron & Wine's "The Shepherd's Dog" album. Just sayin.

Goodnight,
Jenny

haha that ref got punched in the face.

So yesterday was just a series of unfortunate events. I don't know anyone over the age of ten that has had a soda explode all over the place, but it happened to me. There is a compartment/drawer in our fridge that, for reasons unknown, freezes sodas when they are in there for a little while. So I take a mountain dew out, completely missed the fact that the can was ROCK HARD, and opened it. It exploded everywhere. Soda is sticky. I don't like sticky.

Then Linus and I were leaving to go play frisbee in Plymouth. We get in my car and I start to back up, going at a steady speed, because honestly, I got this down pat. Suddenly I realize, over extreme turbulence and a hideous sound, that I have indeed run over the rock wall.

Now, I have never done this before. Schroeder has done it many times. Too many times to count. I'm pretty sure everyone else in my family has done it, as well as a handful of visitors. I'm pretty sure my dad has never done it because of the following reasons:

1) He worships the rock wall. He built it and he loves it more than he loves rum.
2) Apparently he'd rather smash into my car than smash into the rock wall.

These are facts.

So anyway, a few rocks fell off, but we put them back in their place. Then, during frisbee, I threw harder than planned, and it was slowly sailing off towards the bushes. I thought they were bushes. They weren't. They were thorn bushes. So Linus runs into them, and bleeds.

Now, I'm not a "thorn bush expert", but I'd have to say that these were mother thorn bushes. The thorns were the size of my fingers. Just sayin.

So then, I go to pick up beer for the weekend. Once again I will say that this is the store that every single employee knows me. So I go to the back and take what I need out of the cooler, and I hear a small crash. Now, I'm not even sure what I did or how I even did it, but what I can guess is that a case of beer fell from the back of the cooler and onto the floor back there. I couldn't see it, but that's what might have happened. So I choose to ignore it because if anything did happen, it was not visible on the outside. So I go back up to the front of the store and one of the guys jokingly said "are you breaking stuff?" and I just smiled back at them and said "what? no?" How did they know? Was it really that loud!? Haha, I realized that when they go back there and find whatever mess I made, they're gonna know it was me. Maybe I should stay away for a while.

Honestly, I do NOT look like a troublemaker.


So I was on the couch with my sister Lucy and my mom, Woodstock last night. We all had out phones out and were looking at youtube videos. It is here where my mom comes out with: "What does that say? Ugh I can't read." She meant she can't read without her glasses, but we burst into laughter just because it sounded funny. So then she tries to type into youtube on her phone "babies burping" because she thought those would be funny videos. Now, the iphone font is extremely small. Not for us, I mean for old people. So I already know that she will have a lot of trouble typing correctly.

So this is how it goes. Mom spends an hour typing two words into her phone and then she says "it says no videos? how is that possible?" and here I am thinking that if you want to see babies burping, there would obviously be a ton of videos. So I'm all like, "really? let me see that." so she hands me her phone and what do I see in the search box? Yes, my mother has in fact typed in "babies buprimg." I laughed so hard I didn't think I was going to stop. It reminds me of when I go to the eye doctor every year and they dilate my eyes. I've tried to send text messages before but they always turn out to be jumbled letters.

She got up and got her glasses after that. Wise decision.


-Me

"Get your grease off of my wide legs!"

So I was so excited to watch this Bruins game against the Canadiens, and was extremely let down. I don't want to say that they played horribly, but they really just suck at everything.

I even wore my bruins shirt. pah. WhatEVER.

I thought of something tonight. If I had a nickel for every time that Schroeder and I have exchanged "Would you call me an alcoholic if..." scenarios, I would be able to move across the country. Having a limo driving me. With champagne.

I think these scenarios range from "would you call me an alcoholic if I had a beer at 930 this morning?" to "would you call me an alcoholic if I spiked my can of Sprite?" I'm pretty sure that they get more extreme. But like best friends do, we always say the same thing, which is: "Not at all."

I always say mean things about one of my sisters, so I will tell a good story that involves her. The weather is getting warmer and I randomly thought of this memory today. It was the night before Thanksgiving (which is one of my FAVORITE days) and for November, the weather wasn't extremely bad. So Sally, who never stays out late and is always in bed by 9:30 pm, went out with some friends that night and got home around 1:30 am. Of course she comes into my room because I'm obviously still awake. She says, "I really have an urge to sit out on your balcony right now!" Now, I had just showered and it was realllllly nippy out, but we gather out hoodies and blankets and we sit out there until about 2 in the morning. I'm not really sure what we talked about, but it was a nice time, although we ended up giving in because we couldn't feel our goddamn toes. Then we went to sleep, and woke up at 7 on Thanksgiving morning. There is something about sitting on a balcony looking up at the stars in chilly weather that I just love. With good company. And good conversation. And wine, of course. Don't think we forgot that.

This is the same sister that sits REALLY close to people on the couch. We have the entire couch open, and she sits so close to one person who is there. When it is brought up that "Sally, we are sitting really close together..." with an uncomfortable look, she simply replies with "I'm cold."

...She's cold.


We'll start doing more songs of the day. Tonight's is "Rabbit Heart" by Florence + the Machine.

love,
Jenny

You can't take a shower! I'M taking a shower!

Do you want to know how many adults I saw at the Carver Shaw's in their PJs tonight? A LOT. My God, do you people own any real clothes? They're called JEANS. Learn it, buy it, wear it. Hah, that kind of reminds me of the phrase we used to have about boogers when we were kids. "Pick it, lick it, flick it." I did everything but the "lick it" part. Us cool kids just used to pick it and flick it. If you licked it, you were just downright weird.

We turned out fine.

We are the same kids that STARTED the yo-yo revolution in the fifth grade. Everybody started to bring yo-yos to school after we started to. At recess we would be all like "yeah nice yo-yo, but does YOURS have a BRAIN!? Can you 'walk the dog' with that shitty thing?! How about 'CAT'S CRADLE'?! 'Around the world'?! Yeah, you can take your Butterfly and put a bag over your head over there in the corner, we have FIREBALLS."

It seems as though every time I try to plan a day to just do all of my favorite things, not have to worry about being somewhere at a certain time, not have to worry about seeing who at what time and what to do, to just do anything I wanted, something happens and it doesn't work out. I'm just wondering why people can't leave me alone sometimes. I seem to be asking for that a lot lately and it never really happens.

I'm currently watching "Made of Honor." It's an okay movie, but in the beginning, Patrick Dempsy is supposed to be like this womanizing manwhore. Which doesn't make any sense because, well, he's Patrick Dempsy. I know a lot of people think he's this handsome God, but personally, I think he is a wicked dork. He's just the kind of guy that makes you want to yell out "Heyyyyyyyyyyy DORK!"

Oh Patrick Dempsy, in this movie your girl just got taken away by a ugly blonde Scottish guy who wears a skirt. DORK!

I think everybody should listen to the song "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine. And read the poem "Your Laughter" by Pablo Neruda. YAH HEARD?!

-Jenny

Away We Go

Let me just start out by saying that my oldest sister came into my room last night and was actually distracted by something sparkly. I wasn't aware that this happened to people above the age of eight. I had this stack of books in my room and she was walking around and pulled out a sparkly copy of "Oh the Places You'll Go" book that Schroeder gave me for graduation. So, this book being in the middle of the pile, she pulls it out and it topples everything over. I wanted to tell her simply that this wasn't a goddamn game of JENGA, but instead I shout out "Ugh, you ruin EVERYTHING!" which produced an extremely hurt look on her face. So then I nervously laughed and said "just kidding...?" I don't think she bought it. Maybe it was a little mean but, honestly, nobody should take anything I say seriously.

She then tried to pick up said pile of books and put them back to the way they were, but then they just fell over again.

Typical Sally.

It's not as weird as my other sister trying to explain the form she uses while shooting a basketball with a PILLOW.

ANYWAY. If anybody hasn't seen the movie "Away We Go", I definitely recommend it. Besides the fact that Alexi Murdoch does the entire soundtrack, it is such a cute freakin movie. And it makes me want to sleep on a trampoline.

So my sister Sally has this new thing that she thinks wearing a white button up shirt tucked into jeans with a big brown belt is cool. So before my party, she was thinking about trying this new look out, so she went into her room to put everything on. Now, in the kitchen is Lucy, Schroeder, my mom, and me. So Sally comes out of her room and walks down the hallway and enters the kitchen quietly with this dumb smile on her face. We all look at her, and although it seems really mean, we burst into extreme laughter. Of course, the rapidfire insults come. Schroeder simply said "DON'T wear that." Lucy tried the constructive criticism approach and said "well maybe if you wore different jeans..." but it really wasn't taken serious because of her constant laughter. My mom's was "i LOVE it! DEFINITELY wear that today!" and of course mine was "I feel like you should be riding a horse on a beach. In the 80s."

She changed. She wore something completely different.


Anywhores. Here is a picture. Make what you want of it.

-Jenny

This one isn't that funny.

So just this weekend I've seen Black Swan about 2 1/2 times. I'm not obsessed, it's just that everyone in my family decided that they want to see it.

I watched it with my sister Sally before I went to work today because she said she wanted me to tell her when the "scary parts" come. I keep telling her that it's really not that scary, but she didn't believe me. So all I could really say was "ummm, how are you on queasiness factor? Like...how are you with hangnails?"

And then I came home from work and my parents were watching it. They were nearing the lesbian sex scene so I had to duck out of there. When I heard Natalie Portman orgasm, I knew it was okay to go and watch it with them. It was funny because out of all the things that are going on in this movie, my dad asks the weirdest questions. Like there are SO many screwed up things that are happening in this movie and my dad asks questions like "Why didn't her mother wake her up in the morning?" It's not better than my mom though, asking things like "OH MY GOD, DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?!" Well mom, the funny thing is....if you WATCH the movie, it will tell you.

Then we watched the special feature documentary thingy maggigy and it kind of ruined the movie for me. Like, I want to think that Natalie Portman did all the dancing! Not some stupid professional dancer standing in for Natalie. Then they were all like "this is how we put the feathers on her" and I'm all like "WHAT?! SHE REALLY TURNED INTO A SWAN I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY." Special features ruin everything. But anyway, I'd like to point out how funny it is that Thom Yorke has a song called "Black Swan" and the chorus only consists of him saying (excuse my language) "this is fucked up, fucked up." Which explains the movie perfectly. But his song came out in 2006. It's like he predicted the movie. ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PROPHET THOM YORKE?!

My mom bought "Black Swan" wine to watch the movie. So funny.

Anyway, this is my sister eating chicken noodle soup she made today.

....I don't know what she's doing with her face. I really don't. But it's hilarious. This is what we do on Saturday afternoons.

Anywhores, it's time for some midnight ice cream. Goodbye!

-Jenny.

I like you better when you're not talking.

So the other day I went to the beer store about 5 minutes from my house. This is the place where I pretty much know all the employees there and they know our whole family by name. But, don't judge.

So anyway, I went there and I'm not going to lie, it was a Monday at about 4 pm. DON'T JUDGE. The guy that was working there was actually the guy that owns the place, and he is very very nice. So he is making small talk at the checkout and he says something like, "Done for the day?"

Now, this is Monday, and the only thing I've done is wake up, watch Ellen, bought some CD's, and stopped to pick up beer on the ride home. So technically, this wasn't a lie. Is it my fault that he automatically assumes I have a job? Do I look like I have a job? No. Not really. Unless your job is being a complete badass. Which obviously, I would be the goddamn MANAGER.

'Nuff said. But yeah anyway, I lied to him and said, "Yeah." I added in a sigh too, for dramatic effect. Like an "oh I've worked so hard today at my job." sigh.

I just went on Yahoo! and the "Now Trending" list caught my eye. Because number one on the list was Amanda Bynes. All I said (out loud) was: "REALLY?" Because honestly, Amanda Bynes peaked when she was a part of Nickelodeon's "All That". Just like everybody else on that show. I'm talking to you, Kenan.

I spent the day with Linus today and there was one thing that he said that made me wonder. He was just going on and on about something (a TV show, I think) and he said the word "transportated." As in to move something. Now, I'm not going to be a complete dick about this because he WAS talking somewhat fast (like he always does) and I guess words can somehow add syllables to themselves and or double in size. But anyway, "transportated" is not a word. It is simply "transported". Or maybe he was thinking about potatoes because that's kind of what the "-portated" part of the word sounded like.

Anyway.

This post won't be complete until I make fun of my sisters. So I walk into Sally's room and she is sitting in her chair with her blanket on watching Grey's Anatomy. What does she have in front of her? Nothing else but a piece of cake and starburst jelly beans. And the funny part is, she probably just raped the piece of cake of it's frosting, because that's what she always does. You'll look at her plate when she's done eating and all you'll see is a sad, naked piece of cake that lost its soul. Stripped of all its dignity. That's what Sally does to cake.

Then Lucy FLIPPED her SHIT when she found out that there were no towels when she was going to take her shower. I guess it's an inconvenience, no question there. But she was like, snapping at everyone and slamming doors and stomping around the house. So she accepts defeat, grabs a dry towel that was hung up on the bathroom door and simply says, "I can only IMAGINE who used THIS one last."

And all I could think of was.......

Dad.

Then I laughed to myself.

So I was looking through my high school yearbook for the first time in years and I realized what a friggin DORKASS I was. I literally had like 2 friends and did not say a word. I turned to the superlatives pages and came upon the "Class Quietest" and saw my dorky face.

I remember that day, when they took the picture. It was nice because we got to wear whatever we wanted (not uniforms). So I decided on a Desaparecidos tee shirt, which is a wicked shitty sounding band that I somehow loved in high school. Then they were like "we're gonna take this picture in the LIBRARY! Cause it's QUIET! get it?!" Hardy har har har. So it wasn't just me, because they pick a boy too, so I'm standing in this tiny library next to this oaf who also did not say anything either. (i.e. class quietest) It's just a funny picture. I DEFINITELY don't look like a wicked nerd though.

haha. BYE!

-Jenny

When the door comes off the car, it's time to get a new one.

I thought about a story today, and yes, it is a vineyard story. I'll try to tell it as funny as possible, but it's something that you just HAD to witness for it to be as funny as I think. Because the only people who witnessed this story were Schroeder and I.

A few years ago, Schroeder got to stay the whole week with us at the vineyard house. Usually, we usually just walk everywhere, and if we want to go far, we take the bus. But this time, we wanted to bring over my mom's convertible so we could cruise around the island.

One thing. My mom's car is so freakin old that the inside of the door was coming apart from the actual door. So every time you opened it, it would come apart, but not all the way. My mom taught us a trick, that we all followed very carefully. So every time we had to open the door, the door would actually stay intact. It was something like "hold this and only open it a little way and then hold this and that and then squeeze out and try not to slam the door when you're done."

Haha. And hold it together with popsicle sticks and glue. And then sing it a lullaby and wait until it falls asleep.

So anyway. This is when Schroeder and I were 19 (20?) years old, so one night the whole family went out to a bar and we stayed at the house. Which was actually pretty freakin awesome because we just got to tear shit up there without the family. So we were sitting in the beautiful backyard drinking hella beers and listening to the water from the harbor, when all of the sudden, thunder and lightning galore! And then RAIN! POURING RAIN! So we got inside and Schroeder's first thought is to make a bagel. (It was about 10-11pm)

We actually sort of forgot that the family was out at an OUTDOOR bar, so when they called my cell phone, we were surprised. It was Lucy and she was saying how we needed to take the car and pick them up. It was only about a two minute drive.

So it was decided that we would both go, and Schroeder would drive. (Which doesn't make sense, come to think of it now. The car is a 4 seater, maybe 5 if you are small. We ended up fitting Lucy, my dad, and my mom in the car along with me and Schroeder. Haha, clowns.)

So as we are putting on our shoes, and Schroeder of course is only worried about taking his bagel with him, we BOOK IT out to the car, which is about two inches from the porch, but it's raining so hard we get soaked by the time we get to the car. Now, in a state of rushing, you don't really think of much. Especially when your bagel is getting wet. So I get in the passenger seat and I see Schroeder RIPPING the door open...

...and then the door falling off.

So he shouted some things, and then I laughed. And then in the pouring rain we somehow put it back together. Then he gets in the car and asks me to hold his beloved bagel, the one he somehow still had. Which I then ate. Which he definitely got mad about.

But we brought everybody back safe and sound.

We didn't tell them about the door until a few days later.

It's almost as funny as my sister clogging toilets. All the time.

-Jenny

Smartfood is better when you dip it in rum and coke.

Apparently my sister Sally did NOT like the musical of Grey's Anatomy. I mean, I hate that show anyway, but I was surprised at her disappointment because she loves that show. But this is what she said about it: "Blah blah blah, and everybody was just SINGING like a FAIRY." Which is funny to me because this is the sister that thinks that saying "hell" is a bad word.

But anyway, I was doing errands with my mom (Woodstock) and I noticed how unorganized she is sometimes. For instance, instead of bringing a purse, she brought a little zippered wallet. In this, she put all of her 30-40 cards, some coupons, her iphone, etc. So when we are leaving the mall, she says, "oh my god, where did I put my keys?! Where are my keys? what did I do with them?" Now, my mom does this all the time. It's kind of like the "Little Girl That Cried Wolf" because she will scare everyone and say she lost her debit card and do the whole "where is it? I LOST IT!" and then be like "oh nevermind here it is." So at this point, where she didn't know where here keys were, I was not scared at all. I knew it was only a matter of time before she realized they were right under her nose the whole time. Or left in the ignition, which is where they were.

Then we were leaving Walmart and she simply unzippered the wallet and EVERYTHING came crashing down on the floor. All 30-40 of her cards, receipts, coupons, etc. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't happen 4 more times throughout the afternoon. So I did what any good daughter would do. And this was to simply look her in the eye and say "Mom, you're a mess."

While I'm on the subject of my parents, I will tell a story from Friday night. It was my mom, my sister, my dad, my aunt, my boyfriend, and I in the kitchen and we are munching on some Smartfood. Now, I warned everyone that we should not open the bag of Smartfood because  my dad would eat it ALL. But they opened it anyway, and my dad was munching away. Now, he has made his rum (85%) and coke (15%) and it just so happens that he drops smartfood into his glass. Being the only one that noticed this, I was pretty sure he was going to pick it out and put it in the trash, like any normal human being would do.

Wrong. What he DOES do is fish it out and eat it. I should have seen it coming. When I imagine how Smartfood would taste after being dipped in rum and coke, I sort of want to vomit.

And speaking of rum and coke, there is another story that I found to be quite funny. As some people may know, there is a rhyme that goes something like "beer before liquor, you'll never get sicker. liquor before beer, you're in the clear." Schroeder and I were not aware of this jingle a few years ago, and we definitely found out the hard way. But we won't talk about that.

So at my graduation party last night, I see that Schroeder is drinking beers and rum and cokes all day just in no particular order. So I approach him and this is how our conversation goes:

Me: "Are you doing beer, rum and coke, beer, rum and coke, beer?"
Schroeder: *laughs* "yeah."
Me: "Oh that's always a good idea."

Which is funny because he knows the consequences and he still does it. But nothing bad happened. I just think every conversation that we have is hilarious. Like this one, and I know I haven't said the F word, but this is a direct conversation via text messaging, and I feel like it shouldn't be edited. This is how it went, and this is word for word:

Schroeder: "Red Sox opening day game at 4! We should bink dreers at a bar and watch."
Me: "Ew baseball."
Schroeder: "Ew finefuckyou."
Me: "I'd rather watch paint dry BAHAHAHA."
Schroeder: "Bitch fine."
Me: "WHOA WHOA let's all just calm the fuck down."
Schroeder: "Haha suck it."

This is what best friends are for. Our friendship builds when we insult each other.

In other news, Sally (who is 25 years old, I can't stress that enough), bought these big woopie pies at a farmer's market. She danced down the hallway towards me holding these woopie pies like they were her boobs. Now, I don't know what's funnier: The woopie pie boobs, the fact that she can't stay up past midnight, or how she teaches first grade, but sometimes acts LIKE a first grader. I told her that she is probably one of the funniest people I know, and that she should take it as a compliment. She won't take it as a compliment because of the fact that she's funny, but she doesn't MEAN to be funny. She's got a point. If she tried to be funny, she wouldn't be. I think she's funny simply because of the stupid shit she says and does. They could make a TV show out of her life.

ANYWAY. coffee cups are so mean. I don't know what I said to it to piss it off so much.

I'll try to sound cool and say that Schroeder and I stayed up partying until 4 in the morning last night. Sounds cool, right?

But the only reason why we were up until 4 in the morning was because we were simply watching Rent. And singing all the songs. I have to say, nothing is funnier than us at 3 am singing "light my candle" along with Roger and Mimi. ANYWAYS. We are NOT gay.

-Jenny