So the other night, my sister Sally came home (to her house) to which I was already there watching the Bruins game with her husband. She saw me drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper, which she found extremely odd. I'll admit, if you see me drinking a soda during a Bruins game, I'd be worried too. So after a few minutes, she asked me if I wanted a glass of wine with her. "UH, OF COURSE!" I had exclaimed, like I always would answer with a stupid fucking question like that.
To which she says:
"Well I saw you drinking a soft drink and thought you might be pregnant."
...
There are numerous issues I have with this comment. Let's get started.
1) Who the FUCK says "soft drink" anymore?! I mean, besides people over 80 years old. Sally, do you KNOW how ridiculous you sound?
2) Thanks bitch. Please don't jinx me.
3) HAVE I REALLY GOTTEN THAT FUCKING FAT?!??!
4) Glad to know that IF I WAS (aggressively knocks on wood), it would come out when somebody sees me drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it. I would HOPE the announcement goes a HELL of a lot better than THAT.
It's kind of funny to think about, because there would be no keeping it a secret for more than a day. Because beer is my friend. Unless I put water in beer cans. Then NOBODY would know.
But still, that was kind of awkward. Just like taking a "What Animal Are You?" quiz on Facebook and getting a "YOU ARE A BEAVER!"
So going back a bit, the day before Valentine's Day, I was trying to pick out a card for my boyfriend, Snoopy. I saw a category of "From Dog", and instantly hated everything. I couldn't believe that people actually do this. Yo, I love dogs and all, but sometimes the way that people treat them like they can talk and converse is just ridiculous.
So I said "Hah, that's fucking crazy", and walked out.
So then, a few days later, I went to Sally and Franklin's house. Of course I go to read all the Valentine's Day cards that are on the table, looking for the one's they bought for each other because I am a nosey bitch.
So I open one up that I thought was going to be Franklin's to Sally, and find that it is actually from Colby. (The dog) That's funny, because I thought dog's weren't allowed in stores? How did he shop for it? I also thought dogs didn't have any money. I mean, maybe a little, but they definitely don't have a lot, and cards are expensive nowadays.
Guys, I'm gonna break it down real easy for you. Colby doesn't know you guys' names. The only things he knows is that you guys are around him an awful lot, so he likes to hang with you too. He knows that you take him out when he has to go pees and poops. He also knows that you give him food a few times a day, and yummy treats when he's good.
Also, what if he didn't want to buy you a card? I mean, he doesn't know what the fuck Valentine's Day IS. I mean, sometimes it comes in handy when I forget to buy a card for someone. "Just put my name on yours," I'll frantically tell one of my sisters. But I don't think Colby thought like this.
The icing on the dumb cake is that Franklin TRACED Colby's paw as a signature. I looked them both dead in the eye and said "You guys are a whole new level of crazy." and walked away.
And if they weren't crazy enough already, let me tell you another story about how they think their dog is a person:
They had asked me to go to their house and dogsit for them while they went out to dinner with some friends. So, I went over there, let myself in with the key that they made for me (idiots), and let him out of his crate. Then, I notice some sticky notes that were being left around (on everything.) Various things, like CDs and other belongings that she stole at some point that had to go back home. Then I opened the fridge, and saw that she had dug up some expired beers for me as a thank you. THESE had sticky notes on them. This is what it said:
"Colby has had diarrhea all over the house today, thanks!"
Of course she would put bad news like this on my beer. Of course. Still, I wish I would have known that BEFORE I let him out of his crate! I would have taken the beers to go and just left him there! I just was sick and had diarrhea, I don't want to deal with someone ELSE'S diarrhea!
Haha, I'm just picturing what my note would say that I would leave for them.
"Hi, your note scared me, so I peaced out. I took your beers to go, you shouldn't mind because they've been in the basement for the last year and you're just trying to pawn them off on me. I did you a favor. Hopefully Colby's okay, I didn't feed him." Love, Jenny.
No comments:
Post a Comment