Hi friends. Or whoever still reads this.
A subject came up recently that I have a few opinions on. And by "came up," I mean I'm the one who brought it up, and there was nothing anybody could do about it.
People have started to worry about how I fart in front of my rather new boyfriend Snoopy of basically 7 months. I don't really understand why they worry, because they know that this is something that I would do. Maybe they are worried because I actually really really like this one, and in that case, I wouldn't fart in front of him, in worries of scaring him away. Which brings me to my exact point.
Wouldn't you rather get it over with right off the bat? I mean yeah, you like this person, and it might gross them out/scare them away/wish you never existed, but come on. If you think you'll be with this person for a while then you have to get that shit out of the way. (No pun intended). It's always a test too...if you fart in front of this person and they scrunch their face up and run away, they are clearly not for you. If they laugh hysterically and look like they might pee their pants, THEN THEY'RE A KEEPER FOREVER.
Because farts are fucking funny, and everyone knows that.
That is why I invented the "Hot Pocket." Some people (because I talk about it allthefuckingtime) have gotten it confused with the all too well known "Dutch Oven." This is not a Dutch Oven, that stuff is for kids and rookies. The new and upcoming thing is the Hot Pocket, and no, maybe I didn't "invent" it, but I sure as hell named it. And it's perfect.
So the Hot Pocket is when you have all the windows up in the car, (preferably a small car, that way the smell is trapped in a small space rather than a larger one), blast the heat (I would say as high as it will go, so the smell slaps them in the face extra hard), and you let one go. If you are the passenger, just pray that the driver does not pass out because of your demons that are clearly trying to come out of your bum. Depending on what you have eaten, the smell will either be like at an "ewww" level, or it will be at a "OHMYGOD IS THERE A ROTTING BODY WRAPPED IN DOG SHIT IN MY CAR??!?!?!?!" level.
...Lately mine have been the "rotting bodies" one. Because fun fact: Sugar free candy/food make you extremely gassy and when you let them go, they can kill everything in their path, including and or not limited to: animals, small children, the ozone, and plants.
So yeah, all in all, when you're in a relationship and you actually like the person, fart in front of them. It's better to get it out of the way sooner. I'm certainly not going to be one of those girls who are all like "What? I don't fart, nothing comes out of my bum besides rainbows!" Boys know that everyone farts, so what I like to do is just skip a few million steps and blast one out when I first start dating someone. I mean, yeah, it'll slap them across the face so hard they might even pass out, but that hasn't happened yet, so I take that as a good sign. And no one has "run away in panic" yet, so I also take that as a good sign. So clearly what I'm doing is working.
I feel like I should stop talking about farts. So on a COMPLETELY different note. I feel like I could be a better DJ than most radio DJs out there. This is why.
It was valentine's day when I went out driving somewhere. I was listening to the only station I will listen to, if I have to, which is an alternative rock station. The DJ was a girl, and apparently she was playing all love songs. Like alternative love songs, which I knew most of. And I did like most of them, don't get me wrong.
Then the unthinkable happened. (Spoiler alert: when it comes to music, it really doesn't take much to piss me the fuck off.)
She was "signing off" and had one last "love song" to play. This is how she worded it. She then played "Love Songs Drug Songs" by the X Ambassadors.
Okay, so there are many things that I would like to say here. First off, this song is about a girl doing drugs and a boy telling her that "this is the last time I'm going to put you back together." I mean, I get it, it technically is a love song, BUT IS IT ONE THAT I'D PLAY ON FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY?! PROBABLY NOT. Secondly, maybe this DJ didn't even listen to the words in this song, and just saw that in the title it had said "love songs" and was like "ohmygod! this song must be about love!"
Wrong. It's about a boy that's giving up on a girl because he lost her to drugs. Not the type of love song you thought. But to music genius's like me, we understand these types of things. Which is why I should be a DJ and not these morons trying to pick out love songs to put people in the mood for V Day and failing miserably because they don't know what the fuck the song is even about.
Honestly, that's like playing a song about DEATH on someone's BIRTHDAY.
I think I've done enough complaining for the day.
But as an end note, if I WAS a DJ playing love songs on Valentine's Day, instead of a song about drugs, I would have played "All I Need" by Mat Kearney.
That is all.
-Jenny
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