The Scale Is Wrong.

I'm almost 26 years old an picking my nose will always be the best part of my day.

Alright, lets stop wasting time, shall we?


I was driving into Boston today with my mom, and we noticed all those signs on the highway that say "Caution, overhead wires". Now, I might just be stupid, but I really don't know what they're for. What I thought was that it was a warning for low wires. The only thing is, they aren't low. Even for trucks. Like, what, is the Jolly Green Giant going to come through here? Just come stomping down the highway and get tangled up in the low hanging wires? Like, "OH NO, NOT AGAIN. WISH I READ THAT FUCKING SIGN." That is the only thing these wires could be a danger to. And of course, GAHDZILLAHHH!

Then we talked about women in high heels. Now, I never understood how any woman can walk in heels. And the fact that women fucking RUN in high heels will always literally blow my mind. Not only can I NOT walk in high heels (whether it's a high high heel or a little baby heel), but you're over here fucking RUNNING? I'm going to knock myself down one more notch and say I can't even STAND in them.

I had worn literally the smallest heels to my sister's wedding. And then had to walk in the GRASS with them on. I really thought that God was trying to murder me that day. Then Mother Nature teamed up with him and threw in the STRONGEST WINDS EVER.

You know what I look like when I try and walk in heels? I look like a goddamned baby deer fresh out of the WOMB.

In other news, I've gotten quite fat. Let's just get this over with.

It's the kind of fat where you go to the doctor's, step on the scale and say "well, that can't be right, that scale is clearly wrong." It's equivalent to the "I don't have a problem" said by alcoholics and drug addicts. I mean, I guess I had some sort of clue. Based on the fact that I don't fit into most of my pants. And the fact that the pants that I still do fit into, I look down and say "wow, you're working really hard. I appreciate it."

I think when I rip a pair of jeans in the buttocks area or break a chair that I'm sitting in, I'll finally hit rock bottom and PUT THE FORK DOWN.

So recently I watched all 3 seasons of Game of Thrones to catch up to the current season. The problem with watching shows late is that everyone else has already seen them. And if you don't know my family, they like to ruin things like TV shows and movies. I'll give you an example:

Here is an exact word for word conversation between Sally and I about the movie "One Day". I had told her that I wanted to watch it for a while. Then she watched it by herself at her apartment while I was at home. Then the text messages came....

Sally: OMG, I hated the movie.
Me: What??? Why?? (I was so surprised because it looked like a really great movie)
Sally: Anne Hathaway gets HIT BY A BUS AND DIES.

Now, I only asked "why" because I was expecting a "eh, I thought it was sad," or an "I didn't like the ending." Because normal people who know that the person they're talking to wants to watch the movie and WOULDN'T want to ruin the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE for them.

But years later I made up for it...by this:

Sally: I fell asleep while watching "Nights in Rodanthe" last night. Does Richard Gere die???
Me: Yes.

Haha.

So, my boyfriend eats a lot. I don't mean a lot, I mean like...eats one of those huge BUCKETS of popcorn at the movies, then has enough McDonalds to feed the starving kids is Africa RIGHT after. Which doesn't really make sense because he is very skinny. But I guess that's the way the world works. He eats 10,000 pounds of fast food and stays skinny, I eat a fucking cucumber and am yelling at my jeans to "TRY HARDER AND WORK WITH ME HERE!".

So his little brother came into my room the other day and the first thing he says is "it smells like chocolate in here, have you eaten a lot of chocolate in here?"

First of all, I'm like "DAYYYUMMM, I do NOT smuggle chocolate in here and eat it like Gollum from Lord of the Rings in the corner while whispering 'my precious'" Then there's that whole "can't eat sugar" thing. But yeah, if my room smells of chocolate it's because your brother walks around with packages of REESE'S in his pocket. And his shoes. And in his other pocket. And in his socks. And in his back pockets.

But anyway. I have since started a new job. It has great benefits and great health insurance and the only downside is that it fucking sucks the life out of me in every way possible. It would be a wonderful job if you enjoy old people yelling at you for things that you have no control over. Or if you enjoy human torture. I mean, either way. 

But you do make some people happy. I mean, the nice ones. The ones that are obsessed with you because you are a real person. Some people have asked me if I'm a real person. Well, yes, I am. Do I really sound like a fucking robot? 

-Jenny 

The ABC's of Literature. Or Something Like It.

Okay, so I had this fantabulous idea to write only a few sentences on my favorite books. Most of them are classic literature, while some of them are just my favorites, and some of them are just books that I thought should be included to sound smart. Now, keep in mind, while I did read almost all of these, (and am a huge fan of), there are some that I eventually got bored with and stopped reading. Because honestly, I would rather watch paint dry.

So, some of these are my opinions, some are "do's and don't's", some are common sense, and some are "things learned". But let's dive the fuck in, shall we?


1) Wuthering Heights-Everybody is miserable. And as far as names go...there are way too many "Cathy's". Heathcliff is a total badass and so is his name.
2) The Great Gatsby-Rich people are assholes. Except for Gatsby. Also, the ONE time he wants to use his pool...
3) Rebecca-Your husband is a fucking WEIRDO. Actually, you're kind of a weirdo too...
4) Jane Eyre-Being innocent sucks. Stop being so naive, and don't mix business with pleasure.
5) Lolita-You're gross, Humbert Humbert. That is all.
6) The Bell Jar-You know you're fucking crazy when you're not allowed to look in a mirror. And when you date a guy named "Buddy".
7) The Catcher in the Rye-Calls everybody "morons", when he is the biggest "moron" himself. Also, take more care of a record that you've been looking for forever.
8) Walden-Living in the woods by yourself is fucking cool.
9) Howl-It's pretty cool to be gay and provocative.
10) On the Road-Take a road trip for fuck's sake. It seems like fun and you might meet some cool people.
11) Oedipus Rex-Don't fuck your mother.
12) The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn-Please don't use that word.
13) Frankenstein-Don't create something that you can't handle, idiot.
14) To Kill a Mockingbird-Don't go near creepy houses.
15) The Death of a Salesman-I didn't fucking read this book because it was boring as HELL.
16)The Scarlet Letter-Don't sleep around. Terrible things will happen.
17) Any Robert Frost poem-He likes snow and the woods, OKAY?!
18) The Metamorphosis-You never now what your family really thinks of you until you wake up and you've turned into a huge bug.
19) Anna Karenina-Not unlike The Scarlet Letter, DON'T be a slut. The other guy will always be a dick.
20) Romeo and Juliet-Before you kill yourself, JUST FUCKING WAIT! That's what you get for assuming...
21) Hamlet-Don't drink something that was given to you by someone who has a problem with you.
22) The Fall of the House of Usher-Don't visit your friends when they're fucking insane. And don't help them bury their sister when she never really died.
23) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-Say off drugs...Seriously, you'll see a bunch of shit thats not there. Like birds.
24) The Canterbury Tales-Can anyone understand this shit>!

Awkward Conversations and the World Ending

Hello friends.

Let me just start off this post with the weather lately. This is me impersonating the weather lately. RAIN SUN SLEET SNOW WARM FREEZING SNOW RAIN SUN

This only means one thing to me: THEWORLDISENDING ANDWE'REALLGONNADIE.

In other news, I spent a shit ton of money the other day to buy the iPhone 5s. Which means I will be eating Ramen Noodles in a dark room by myself for the next year. (Not like that's any different from what I do now.) But here's the funny part, I didn't even realize that I finally had Siri!

So the first thing I asked her was "where to hide a body", to which she was not amused. Then I asked her if she'd like to have sex with me, and she calmly told me that "she had everything she needed". Okay, point made and received. Bitch.

So I had this problem recently. For the radio station, we go up to ski resorts in New Hampshire to do events. They told us from the get go that carpooling was encouraged. But the last weekend, I had to take the company van up. Which is no problem. But a guy I work with wanted to come with me, which isn't really a problem either. But he didn't meet me at the Globe parking lot. He wanted me to "pick him up on the way". So I did.

Here's my issue. It wasn't exactly on the way. Here is what I did getting to New Hampshire that day.

1) Drive an hour to the Globe.
2) Drive an hour from there to pick num nuts up at his house.
3) Drive another 2 1/2 hours to Bretton Woods.

Oh and he's annoying. And smoked cigarettes in the van. And I hate the smell of cigarettes. Basically I just wanted to push  him out.

If you're going to tell me that you can't meet me at the Globe and that your house is on the way, and then it really isn't, then fuck you. I mean, my definition of "on the way" is me slowing down to a minimum of 40 mph on the highway, and you're running on the side to catch up and jump in the van. I'm going to call you when I'm 5 minutes from where you are, and THAT'S when you're going to start running to gain momentum to jump in. That's what "on the way" means.

In other awkward news, my mother told the poor woman at the AT&T store that I've re-read the 50 Shades of Grey series "about ten times."

First of all, that's super embarrassing, for the sole purpose of that they are about hardcore S&M sex. And you're telling a complete stranger that I basically spend all my days and nights reading degrading, sexual, abusive, "every page is a hardcore porno" books. AND SECOND OF ALL, I've only read the series TWICE. That's probably once more too many, but whatever, I enjoyed them.

...Not like that.


Anyway, my brother in law Franklin used to make fun of people who pretended like their dogs could talk. The other day I was leaving their house and I said "bye Colby!" and Franklin said "say goodbye to Jenny, Colby!"

I just want to let everyone who talks to their dogs as if they could talk back...THEY CAN'T. THEY JUST CAN'T. Am I looking for a "goodbye" from Colby when I leave? NO. I say goodbye to Colby and he just does his "dumb guy" stare and I leave. And that is that.


-Jenny

"Is She More Badass Than Me?" "My MOTHER is More Badass Than You."

So the other night, my sister Sally came home (to her house) to which I was already there watching the Bruins game with her husband. She saw me drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper, which she found extremely odd. I'll admit, if you see me drinking a soda during a Bruins game, I'd be worried too. So after a few minutes, she asked me if I wanted a glass of wine with her. "UH, OF COURSE!" I had exclaimed, like I always would answer with a stupid fucking question like that.

To which she says:

"Well I saw you drinking a soft drink and thought you might be pregnant."

...

There are numerous issues I have with this comment. Let's get started.

1) Who the FUCK says "soft drink" anymore?! I mean, besides people over 80 years old. Sally, do you KNOW how ridiculous you sound?
2) Thanks bitch. Please don't jinx me.
3) HAVE I REALLY GOTTEN THAT FUCKING FAT?!??!
4) Glad to know that IF I WAS (aggressively knocks on wood), it would come out when somebody sees me drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it. I would HOPE the announcement goes a HELL of a lot better than THAT.

It's kind of funny to think about, because there would be no keeping it a secret for more than a day. Because beer is my friend. Unless I put water in beer cans. Then NOBODY would know.

But still, that was kind of awkward. Just like taking a "What Animal Are You?" quiz on Facebook and getting a "YOU ARE A BEAVER!"

So going back a bit, the day before Valentine's Day, I was trying to pick out a card for my boyfriend, Snoopy. I saw a category of "From Dog", and instantly hated everything. I couldn't believe that people actually do this. Yo, I love dogs and all, but sometimes the way that people treat them like they can talk and converse is just ridiculous.

So I said "Hah, that's fucking crazy", and walked out.

So then, a few days later, I went to Sally and Franklin's house. Of course I go to read all the Valentine's Day cards that are on the table, looking for the one's they bought for each other because I am a nosey bitch.

So I open one up that I thought was going to be Franklin's to Sally, and find that it is actually from Colby. (The dog) That's funny, because I thought dog's weren't allowed in stores? How did he shop for it? I also thought dogs didn't have any money. I mean, maybe a little, but they definitely don't have a lot, and cards are expensive nowadays.

Guys, I'm gonna break it down real easy for you. Colby doesn't know you guys' names. The only things he knows is that you guys are around him an awful lot, so he likes to hang with you too. He knows that you take him out when he has to go pees and poops. He also knows that you give him food a few times a day, and yummy treats when he's good.

Also, what if he didn't want to buy you a card? I mean, he doesn't know what the fuck Valentine's Day IS. I mean, sometimes it comes in handy when I forget to buy a card for someone. "Just put my name on yours," I'll frantically tell one of my sisters. But I don't think Colby thought like this.

The icing on the dumb cake is that Franklin TRACED Colby's paw as a signature. I looked them both dead in the eye and said "You guys are a whole new level of crazy." and walked away.

And if they weren't crazy enough already, let me tell you another story about how they think their dog is a person:

They had asked me to go to their house and dogsit for them while they went out to dinner with some friends. So, I went over there, let myself in with the key that they made for me (idiots), and let him out of his crate. Then, I notice some sticky notes that were being left around (on everything.)  Various things, like CDs and other belongings that she stole at some point that had to go back home. Then I opened the fridge, and saw that she had dug up some expired beers for me as a thank you. THESE had sticky notes on them. This is what it said:

"Colby has had diarrhea all over the house today, thanks!"

Of course she would put bad news like this on my beer. Of course. Still, I wish I would have known that BEFORE I let him out of his crate! I would have taken the beers to go and just left him there! I just was sick and had diarrhea, I don't want to deal with someone ELSE'S diarrhea!

Haha, I'm just picturing what my note would say that I would leave for them.

"Hi, your note scared me, so I peaced out. I took your beers to go, you shouldn't mind because they've been in the basement for the last year and you're just trying to pawn them off on me. I did you a favor. Hopefully Colby's okay, I didn't feed him." Love, Jenny.

Doing It Sooner Than Later...Always a Good plan

Hi friends. Or whoever still reads this.

A subject came up recently that I have a few opinions on. And by "came up," I mean I'm the one who brought it up, and there was nothing anybody could do about it.

People have started to worry about how I fart in front of my rather new boyfriend Snoopy of basically 7 months. I don't really understand why they worry, because they know that this is something that I would do. Maybe they are worried because I actually really really like this one, and in that case, I wouldn't fart in front of him, in worries of scaring him away. Which brings me to my exact point.

Wouldn't you rather get it over with right off the bat? I mean yeah, you like this person, and it might gross them out/scare them away/wish you never existed, but come on. If you think you'll be with this person for a while then you have to get that shit out of the way. (No pun intended). It's always a test too...if you fart in front of this person and they scrunch their face up and run away, they are clearly not for you. If they laugh hysterically and look like they might pee their pants, THEN THEY'RE A KEEPER FOREVER.

Because farts are fucking funny, and everyone knows that.

That is why I invented the "Hot Pocket." Some people (because I talk about it allthefuckingtime) have gotten it confused with the all too well known "Dutch Oven." This is not a Dutch Oven, that stuff is for kids and rookies. The new and upcoming thing is the Hot Pocket, and no, maybe I didn't "invent" it, but I sure as hell named it. And it's perfect.

So the Hot Pocket is when you have all the windows up in the car, (preferably a small car, that way the smell is trapped in a small space rather than a larger one), blast the heat (I would say as high as it will go, so the smell slaps them in the face extra hard), and you let one go. If you are the passenger, just pray that the driver does not pass out because of your demons that are clearly trying to come out of your bum. Depending on what you have eaten, the smell will either be like at an "ewww" level, or it will be at a "OHMYGOD IS THERE A ROTTING BODY WRAPPED IN DOG SHIT IN MY CAR??!?!?!?!" level.

...Lately mine have been the "rotting bodies" one. Because fun fact: Sugar free candy/food make you extremely gassy and when you let them go, they can kill everything in their path, including and or not limited to: animals, small children, the ozone, and plants.

So yeah, all in all, when you're in a relationship and you actually like the person, fart in front of them. It's better to get it out of the way sooner. I'm certainly not going to be one of those girls who are all like "What? I don't fart, nothing comes out of my bum besides rainbows!" Boys know that everyone farts, so what I like to do is just skip a few million steps and blast one out when I first start dating someone. I mean, yeah, it'll slap them across the face so hard they might even pass out, but that hasn't happened yet, so I take that as a good sign. And no one has "run away in panic" yet, so I also take that as a good sign. So clearly what I'm doing is working.

I feel like I should stop talking about farts. So on a COMPLETELY different note. I feel like I could be a better DJ than most radio DJs out there. This is why.

It was valentine's day when I went out driving somewhere. I was listening to the only station I will listen to, if I have to, which is an alternative rock station. The DJ was a girl, and apparently she was playing all love songs. Like alternative love songs, which I knew most of. And I did like most of them, don't get me wrong.

Then the unthinkable happened. (Spoiler alert: when it comes to music, it really doesn't take much to piss me the fuck off.)

She was "signing off" and had one last "love song" to play. This is how she worded it. She then played "Love Songs Drug Songs" by the X Ambassadors.

Okay, so there are many things that I would like to say here. First off, this song is about a girl doing drugs and a boy telling her that "this is the last time I'm going to put you back together." I mean, I get it, it technically is a love song, BUT IS IT ONE THAT I'D PLAY ON FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY?! PROBABLY NOT. Secondly, maybe this DJ didn't even listen to the words in this song, and just saw that in the title it had said "love songs" and was like "ohmygod! this song must be about love!"

Wrong. It's about a boy that's giving up on a girl because he lost her to drugs. Not the type of love song you thought. But to music genius's like me, we understand these types of things. Which is why I should be a DJ and not these morons trying to pick out love songs to put people in the mood for V Day and failing miserably because they don't know what the fuck the song is even about.

Honestly, that's like playing a song about DEATH on someone's BIRTHDAY.


I think I've done enough complaining for the day.

But as an end note, if I WAS a DJ playing love songs on Valentine's Day, instead of a song about drugs, I would have played "All I Need" by Mat Kearney.

That is all.

-Jenny