"The Roommate"-a joke?

So yes, once again, I saw a movie that was supposed to be scary and I ended up laughing at it. Now, this one wasn't as dumb as "Jennifer's Body," (I don't think anything will ever be), but it was cutting it kind of close. So, of course I'm going to complain about it, because that is what I do.

First of all, let's get these names out of the way. Seeing as how the two main actresses have pain in the ass names, I'm going to give them initials, because Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly are too much work for my typing fingers.

So yes. Minka Kelly. MK.

She moves into college and finds out that her roommate hasn't gotten there yet. So she goes out with her new friends. And when she comes back drunk, she finds this in her room. And this girl would be Leighton Meester. LM.

So not only does LM look JUST LIKE MK (but a smidge less attractive), but they are both so nice. And MK is all like "oh wow, she is just so nice, she's definitely not going to threaten and or kill everyone I like or even talk to." WRONG. LM begins to develop an unhealthy, some might even say psychotic obsession with MK. I mean, yeah, she's pretty, but come on, cut the cord. LM just has this disorder where she wants her friends to only talk and pay attention to her.

Anyway. Moving on. Let's get into the details, shall we?

It starts off nice. They get along great. Even though MK likes to go to the clubs and LM is like "oh no you go ahead, clubs aren't really my thing. I'm too busy killing people that do so much as look at you." And MK is all like, "Okay, don't wait up."

So then LM starts to act kinda weird. I mean, MK's friend that she made the first night was taking a shower and LM just goes in there and rips out her belly button ring. She obviously means business. If that doesn't say "DON'T TALK TO MINKA", I don't know what will.

So I'm watching it and the first time I said, "Hmm, there's something wrong with Leighton Meester" is when she's going out to a show with MK and MK gives her these earrings to wear. This is a big deal to LM because of her hardcore girl crush. So MK goes to the bathroom and this is where LM looks in the mirror and notices "oh shit, I don't have my ears pierced." But she's obsessed with MK. What does she do? SHE STICKS THE EARRINGS IN HER GODDAMMED EAR! Just because they were Minka's!

I must say that I felt kind of bad for her throughout the movie. I know she had major issues and she was killing people and she was a psychotic sicko. BUT. She took MK home for Thanksgiving and they ran into an old "friend" of LM's. I put "friend" in quotation marks because it was obvious that this girl was LM's latest victim. But LM had the nerve to go up to her and introduce MK to her, and the girl says "Leighton, we were never friends." And I felt so bad. Then when they get back to the house, LM's mom is all like "has she been taking her medications?" which should have been somewhat of a red flag for MK. Just sayin. SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT TAKING HER MEDICATIONS IF SHE'S MURDERING PEOPLE. Or if she is, that is SOME medication.

This is what LM does at gas stations. That is a zippo lighter. As a normal person would know, these two things do not go together.

The other major offense was that MK was showing LM in the beginning of the movie her tattoo. It was the name of her sister that died, Emily. She had it over her heart. MK made it clear from the BEGINNING that her dead sister was a sore subject. OBVI. What does LM do in the middle of the movie? She goes and gets a matching tattoo of MK's. THEN! If that wasn't enough, LM says "You can call me Emily." WHAT A FREAK!

Anyway, that was it for MK. She moves out.

(BTW. I forgot to mention this earlier. LM puts a cute kitten in the washing machine. A KITTEN IN A WASHING MACHINE. I cried.)

So anyway, blah blah blah, Leighton's crazy, blah blah blah. The ending was dumb. To make a long story short, LM gets punched right in the mouth by MK's boyfriend. Then, MK freaking STABS her in the back with (you're not going to believe this) a BOXCUTTER. I had no idea they were Mexicans at this point. Then SPOILER ALERT! LM dies.

Now, I might be stupid. But, if you were stabbed in the back with a boxcutter, would you really die? I mean, it would hurt, I get that. But, it takes a lot to kill someone, and I don't think a boxcut wound would really finish you off. Maybe what killed her was the boyfriend's "I forgot about the hitting women rule" punch to the mouth, pretty much knocking her teeth to her intestines. I mean, guy, I know she's kicking the shit out of your girlfriend, but you can't hit women. You could have given her a papercut or something. Or a splinter. See, there are alternatives.

But the thing that bothered me was that right as MK stabbed her, she looked in her eyes and said "I was NEVER your friend." Which is exactly what the other girl said. And it's like, dude, you're already stabbing her with a boxcutter, why kick someone while they're down? LM already knows that she's (excuse my language) fucked up, why would you say that to her? MAYBE that's why she died! A BROKEN HEART! Because honestly, it was NOT the goddamned boxcutter wound.


Then the end of the movie is MK living by herself. Because she "doesn't want a roommate." Hmph. Snob.

I still can't believe how much they look alike.

It's like, "oh we look alike, I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU."

All in all. It was okay.

If you think you deserve it, get it.

My sister Lucy just said that she thinks our cat is on Crack. Which might be true. Ever since she had these special treats my mom gave her, she's been acting strange. I think sometime soon I'm going to fill her bowl up with beer. Tell her it's milk. See what happens.

How awesome would it be if someone asked you "Hey, what are you up to?" and you could reply with "Oh, just drinking with my cat."

So I spent Saturday night on the roof with my best friend Schroeder and my sister Sally. Her new place has a window with a slanted roof, and I've always wanted to hang out on a roof seeing as how our dumb house doesn't provide that. So after many many beers, we went out there and sat. Sally kept worrying when we would get up and walk around, because the roof was kind of very slanted. But nobody got hurt of course. We just had deep conversations and crumpled up our beer cans when we were done with them, saying "I bet I can make it to the woods" and then pretty much not making it past the parking lot. Then saying "Oh man we really need to go get those" and then never getting them.

I blame my mother for showing us how to get onto the roof. When we were helping Sally move in, Schroeder and I noticed that we could sit on the roof someday. So we asked my mom "Hey, how do you take off screens?" and she said "Why?" and we said "Oh, no reason." And then she showed us. Now, she knows what kind of people we are. There is no way she didn't know what we were trying to do. But she just chose to ignore the obvious suspicion and demonstrate how to take off the screen. "Oh, you just press these two things and pop it out." Silly.

It was funny today because I made an appointment to get my windshield replaced tomorrow and before we hung up the phone she said "Okay, so September 27th at 10 am." and I got really confused because I was all like "wait, she said the 27th?! I didn't make it for next week, I made it for tomorrow." Then I realized that yes, tomorrow is the 27th. And I am the retard who thought it was September 21. That's what happens when you're so busy.

That was sarcasm. To the highest degree.

I don't understand Rob Dyrdek's new show "Ridiculousness". I think he is a really funny guy, like on the Fantasy Factory and whatnot. But he is NOT funny on this new show. And I don't even think the videos he shows are that funny either. And I don't think the people he has on the show are that funny. Every element about this show is just NOT FUNNY. And he thinks he is too! That's the worst part. Somebody on the video will fall while skateboarding, and Rob will be all like "Oh, that looked painful! Look at his pain face!" and it's like, that's not funny. If you had said like "Whoa he fell so hard his asshole is where his FACE should be!" THEN, maybe that would be considered funny. But what do I know. Not much.

Anyway, I think everybody should listen to the song "Open Your Eyes" by The Chemical Brothers. Did I already suggest that? I may have already suggested that.

-Jenny

Getting fired and getting a cold. Living the dream.

So the last post I did was about Megan Fox, so for some reason, I feel like this blog should be better by default. And maybe more intelligent. Because every time I LOOK at Megan Fox (nevermind writing about her), I feel 30% dumber. I feel like I have to read a book by Faulkner or Shakespeare or something to redeem myself.


So we helped my sister Sally move into her new apartment, and the funniest thing that happened is when she met her neighbors. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was carrying an 18 pack of Bud Light from her car when they spotted her and struck up a conversation. Sally is one of those people that thinks that if someone sees her with any sort of alcohol, they think she's a bad egg. She'll be hesitant about getting a glass of wine out at dinner in case she sees someone she knows from school. Yeah, because if someone sees you having a glass of wine with dinner, they're going to never speak to you again. She makes it seem like people are going to tar and feather her and make her run through the streets like that if she was caught with an innocent glass of wine.

But anyway, yeah. She met her new neighbors with a case of Bud Light. Lucy and I were in the living room, and we weren't even watching this scenerio, but I knew that she was going to be upset about meeting them with a bunch of beers in hand, so my first instinct was to shout out, "Hey! Sally! Let's bust out the peace pipe!"


...Of course I didn't. Would have been good though.

But yeah, I put all of Franklin's DVDs in the bookcase, and among them were the regulars, ("300", "Superbad", "Saw II", "American Pie") I found a rather peculiar one. A movie I would never expect to find in Franklin's collection. And yes, that movie was "Stepmom".

Of course I had to point this out to him, and of course his response was something along the lines of "I don't even know how that got there". But I wasn't fooled. I know that he watches it when he's all alone with a glass of wine and a box of tissues for his tears. Because I HAVE seen "Stepmom", and the ending is very sad.

Everybody has their flaws. I mean, I fart in tents. I'm THAT person.

I was thinking about something that happend about a month ago the other day, and I will tell you about it. When my little cousin and I were playing the Sims 3 on Wii, we read online that you can get ghosts to haunt your house. We were instantly interested in this. So it said in order to do this, we had to go to the cemetery, pick up whatever graves we could, bring them back to the house, and put them somewhere in the yard. So we tried to do this, but when we went to the cemetery, we could not pick up any graves. Discouraged, we went about the game. Then, something weird started to happen. The next morning, we walked out our front door, and there was this huge, stone grave staring us in the face. We were shocked. Then we were all like "Oh, I guess somebody died." We instantly jumped on this opportunity and put it in our backyard. But the funny thing is, it turned into this urn.

So we kept playing the game, watching for ghosts to come in the night, but they never came. As we started walking about the town, we noticed there were these big stone graves everywhere. I don't know if you guys have ever played this game, but this was actually pretty goddamn creepy. So we kept taking them, turning them into urns, and bringing them to the house. Every day, the number of graves doubled, like there was some sort of plague going around, killing everybody. But we only laughed and brought them to our house. Sooner or later, we had about 12 urns scattered everywhere from the backyard, to the kitchen table, to the floor. Everywhere you turned, there was an urn. You're probably guessing that we got major ghosts that haunted our house each night. You're wrong. We didn't get SHIT!

So if that didn't get our house haunted, I'm guessing it's impossible.

Or I'll just blame the Wii. Because I HATE the Wii.

Speaking of video games, I think they should make a Parnormal Activity video game. The object of the game is to get rid of the demon before he takes off with your woman while you sleep. HAH! Shortest game ever.


-Jenny

"Haha, she thinks we're texting each other about her and her peach pie."

So first things first. I like to complain about movies/tv shows/music/books that I might secretly like. Therefore, I am going to talk about the movie "Jennifer's Body."

Now, I remember when this came out, and I remember laughing about how dumb it looked. First of all, it's main character (Jennifer) is Megan Fox. Honestly, I cannot take her seriously. And what is this movie about you ask? Megan Fox is a cheerleader that turns into a demon and "devours her classmates" as the TV guide explained. And her best friend (Amanda Seyfried) has to save her stupid boyfriend from being eaten. To which (SPOILER ALERT!) she doesn't. And he dies. But he was kind of a mo anyway.

Let's move on. So I passed by this movie on Cinemax the other day. Although I was a half hour late for it, it was kind of like a train wreck and I couldn't look away. I wanted to change the channel, but I couldn't. So, I ended up watching the entire thing, by myself. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't close my eyes through some of it. Which, turns out, wasn't necessary, because it wasn't scary. But I didn't know that then.

So yes, Megan Fox turns into a flesh eating demon, and she seduces all these boys and then eats them like a casserole. Like, she turns their body into lasagna. And Amanda Seyfried sees Megan Fox when she's all bloody and obviously not herself. And then the next day at school, Megan Fox is her normal self. And Amanda Seyfried (although I really like her) is all like "wow that's really weird. Oh well, I can't explain it, I'll just make out with her." And they do, oddly. There really isn't any reason for it. They just make out. And then Amanda decides to use her brain finally and is like "WAIT! Stop kissing me! I just saw you kill people!" Chyeah.

But all in all, these pictures will pretty much sum up the movie.

She turns into a demon! And the first thing she does is go to Amanda Seyfried's house, raid her fridge, eat a chicken carcass, and projectile vomit black carnage all over Amanda. And all dumb Amanda says is something along the lines of "oh my GOD! Are you sick!?"

This is when dumb Megan Fox finds out that she is, in fact, different. As if the sudden change in diet hadn't tipped her off. "I used to eat one rice cake a day, and now I eat one BOY a day!!" Nice going, you should have noticed you were different when you realized you were a disease infested slut. Just sayin.

And this is what she looks like before she "kills". Oddly enough, this is probably what Megan Fox looks like when she's on her period.


Either way, I laughed out loud, I got scared, and I got confused. And I won't lie to anybody. When I checked the guide later on that night, I saw that it was starting again at 6:30 pm. And I watched it again. And I made Lucy watch it too. She said it "wasn't that bad". I think Megan Fox's last words in the movie sum up how bad it was. (SPOILER ALERT! Amanda Seyfried kills Megan Fox) and when she stabs Megan in the heart (cause that's the only way to kill her) Megan says after a long pause "...my tit!" Yep. I'm not making this up.


-Jenny

"Did you just slap my NECK?!"

So if it's one thing I can't stand, it's annoying people. Not just like, "you're too loud" annoying, but like "you're an complete asshole, not only do I want you to stop talking, I want you to stop breathing" annoying. I was getting lunch with my mom and we were at the Carver Cornerstones bar, which isn't anything special and or fancy. So these three kids come in and sit down right next to us. Two boys and a girl. It looked as though they probably all had sex together in the car before they came in. Anyway, the two boys order rum and cokes or something, and the girl was all like "oh I want to try something different." So she orders some sort of hoity toity fruity drink, and the bartender (who might be the coolest most badass woman ever) was all like "want me to tell you the truth? It's not that good, because we don't have an Oasis machine."

Now, I don't know what the christ an Oasis machine is, but I'm guessing it's some sort of machine that makes fancy drinks easier. But this is Cornerstones, and they don't have nice things like that. Which is pretty much what the bartender told these three degenerates.

So after the girl changes her mind to a mudslide, the bartender is making it, and the two boys are all like "why don't you have an Oasis machine? Blah blah blah, it pays for itself, yakkity yak yak most bars have an Oasis machine, wah wah I'm gay" and the bartender tells them for the millionth time that they don't make enough money in fancy drinks to invest in one. Perfectly understandable. SO after she hands her the mudslide, the loudmouth guy takes a sip and says this, and I kid you not. "It's not BAD, it'd be better if it was made with an Oasis machine." And then he REPEATS it to the bartender when she comes over. She simply tells him "THEN YOU BUY AN OASIS MACHINE!" To which I laugh, but what I really wanted her to do was shove her hand into his mouth and rip his goddamn tongue out. Or spit in his drink, stir it with her middle finger, and say "here, THAT should taste better."

So by this point we are leaving anyway, but I started talking about them without trying to keep my voice down. As we were walking by them, leaving, no lie, he started complaining about the food. From the time we left our seats to the parking lot, I mocked him like crazy. And you better believe I gave him a hardcore lisp.

So my sister Sally is moving out next week and I'm more excited for myself than I am excited for her. Because I'm going to go there ALL the time. They have a second bedroom, and I pretty much already claimed it for myself. They shouldn't call it a "guest room", they should call it "Jen's room". It was funny because Schroeder and I were joking around with Sally and her fiance, Franklin. We'd be all like "oh hey, this second bedroom, how high are the ceilings? High enough for say, I don't know, bunk beds?" When I finally realized that Sally was not going to get bunk beds, I began to inquire in a different way. "So how big is the room? Like the size of Lucy's room? Oh okay. So, could you fit like...a couch in there too?"

She's going to love having us there. You may not think so, but she will.

Being woken up after a long night by your slaphappy sister is not as fun as it sounds.

So, honestly, people who say that Lady Gaga has talent make me really angry. She has talent? Where is she hiding it? In her gigantic meat suit? Or is she hiding it in her huge sideburns from when she dressed up as a man for the VMA's? Or it COULD be what I've always thought. She's not hiding her talent anywhere. She just doesn't have any talent whatsoever.

But seriously. If you ever tell me to my face that Lady Gaga has talent, I'm going to punch a hole through your life.

So anyway. Sally woke me up the past two mornings in a row. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that it's a really annoying thing. I love Sally to death, but she's really goddamn annoying. And she knows it too, so it's okay. So I never really know what the HELL she's talking about, because I'm never really awake when she busts into my room, but apparently she was talking about how she wanted me to go the mall with her. Of course, I paid her no attention. Because, in all honesty, I just wanted her to go away. Now, I'm going to type out the conversation. But before I do, I need to give the background. Anybody who is anybody knows that the Kingston mall is suffering hardcore. Like, you hear crickets when you walk in the front door. It's like a goddamn morgue. Anyway, this is how the conversation went:

Sally: Wake up! Get out of bed!
Me: Yeah, sure, okay.
Sally: What are you doing today!?
Me: I don't know.
Sally: GAP has a sale today, I'm going shopping. Will you come?
Me: I don't know.
Sally: What time does the mall open!?
Me: Ten. What time is it right now?
Sally: Perfect. It's 9:30. Get out of bed, let's go now! I want to beat the crowds.

Now, there are many things wrong with this whole conversation. 1) I am not awake during this entire conversation. Like, my eyes are closed and I'm drifting in and out of dreams. 2) Sally is officially retarded because these "crowds" that she refers to do NOT exist at the Kingston mall. If by "crowds" you mean "two people and the occasional old couple who don't even know where the hell they are", then yes, Sally, let's beat the crowds. And of course, 3) I can't get out of bed until you leave my room because I am, in fact, in my underwear. As in I'm not wearing ANY pants. So get out.

The funny thing is, as she was waiting (and getting impatient) for me to get up, she went out on my balcony. I heard her sit on my rocking chair. Then, about two SECONDS later, came back into my room and had the NERVE to say "your rocking chair needs some sort of padding." To which of course, I reply with the all so obvious "your ass needs some sort of padding." BAH ZING! Check AND mate.

So the Playstation 2 game "True Crime: Streets of LA" has resurfaced. Schroeder and I used to play it pretty much every waking moment and we thought it was awesome because you can kill people, fight people, run people over with your car, run ANYTHING over with your car (trees, signs, benches, people, grandpas, grandmas, pimps, hoes, and then some) and totally get away with it. To put it lightly, it's stress relief. Also, if you laugh uncontrollably when you are doing any of the above, people WILL think you're mentally unstable and get a little worried. But honestly, I'm not going to lie. After a bad day, you want to shoot somebody who is walking straight towards you point blank in the face? Do it. It's fun.
As long as you don't do it in real life I guess, because I think that gets you in trouble.

I was playing last night and Lucy made some sort of comment about how video games influence children in a negative way and blah blah blah. But hey. We turned out fine.

Song of the day: Anything off of Ratatat's "Classics" That is all.


-Jenny.