"What's this 'we're dumb' shit? Speak for yourSELF!"

So last weekend when we were having a bonfire, something funny happened. Now, I know Schroeder pretty well, you know, because we've only been friends for 22 years. So yes, he farts a lot, but he obviously won't fart when we have people over. Well, he won't fart LOUDLY when we have people over.

So, my aunt and my cousin came over for a little bit. All of a sudden, Schroeder lets out this huge beast of a fart, that I'm pretty sure our neighbors could hear. His face said it all. It was the face of "wow, that wasn't supposed to sound like THAT." So here he is, trying to let this fart out, assuring himself that it's going to be a silent one, and then having it come out like a cannonball. And then looking at everyone like "did they hear that? Yeah...they definitely heard that." So priceless.

I was discussing a random memory with Sally last night about how one night about three-four years ago she cut my bangs. The funny part of the story is that she was tipsy. Her, me, and Schroeder were all drinking one night, and somehow the topic of me needing to cut my bangs came up. So she clumsily asked if she could cut them, and I said of course. Because what better way to cut your bangs than having your drunk sister do it? Drunk people with scissors handling my hair is just my idea of an awesome evening. After it happened, we realized that it actually came out pretty good. But of course the next morning, my first thought was, "Oh my God, Sally cut my bangs last night." So I ran to the mirror and to my horror...it was actually pretty good. I know the story would be so much better if I had said that when I looked in the mirror it looked as though Edward Scissorhands cut it while he was doing heroin, but sadly to say, it was all good. But I wouldn't recommend it. It is quite a big risk to take.

So tonight, while I was leaving work, I was going upstairs to get my shit. On my way there, I passed two boys, one of which was on his bike. In Shaws. Which I'm almost sure you cannot do. So as I walked by them, he says to me "Do you like my bike?" but he said it wicked stupid-like. Like he was trying to be funny for his friend, and I was the helpless victim. So I looked him square in the eye and said "SURE!" but it was 100% sarcasm. I said it like I was the biggest dick in the world. Because honestly, you're a loser, and I would like it if you did not try to converse with me. I felt like he should have been wearing a helmet, and NOT because of the fact that he was on a bike.


In other news, I thought it would be a good idea if old Volvo station wagons had a "wave" like everybody with Jeeps do. So I tried it out. But nobody waved back. It was obviously because they didn't see me.


Right......?


-Jenny

CAKE is the worst band ever.

So first of all, after a date last week with Linus, we were leaving and he grabbed a bunch of candies on the way out from their dish. I guess it was kind of a 'fancy' restaurant because they had a candy dish. You don't get that shit at TGI Fridays.

So anyway, after he takes some, we are trying to find a place to put them. So we put them in his shirt pocket. And what does he say after this?

"Just call me TITTY-WONKA."

...

Which brings me to my next point. One of Linus' favorite bands, CAKE, is without doubt the WORST band I have ever heard. First of all, the lead singer, DOESN'T sing. He talks. UH, hi buddy, this isn't RAP, why don't you stop talking in your goddamned monotone voice and actually attempt to sing. But THAT would require talent. Second of all, what the CHRIST are your lyrics ABOUT? You're talking about GOATS for chrissakes. The lyrics you have make no sense whatsoever and have awful timing along with the music. And it's weird because just last night my supervisor at work was showing me heavy metal music, which I cannot STAND. It hurts to listen to heavy metal. But, given the situation, I'd rather listen to people screaming about GOD knows what, (probably about eating their dog, or playing with their leg hair) than listen to CAKE ever again. Honestly, listening to CAKE's lead singer TALK about GOATS in his stupid droning voice makes me want to walk right off a cliff. It makes me want to KILL a goat. And I really like goats. Thank you.

If anybody wants to hear a really GOOD song, definitely listen to Bon Iver's "Perth". Now THAT'S a good friggin song.

-Jenny

Katy Perry's "Extraterrestrial" is really growing on me. I really hate this.

So this weekend was crazy. Yesterday Schroeder, Sally, Sally's boyfriend and myself pretty much just drank around the pool/around the fire. It was awesome. The only thing that can sum this day up was this conversation.

(After Schroeder buys 18 beers, and I buy 12 Saturday afternoon)

Sunday morning:
Me: There are three of your beers left?
Schroeder: Yeah, and there are three of yours left too.
Me: That's it?
Schroeder: Yeah.
Me:....good day.

So today for father's day, my dad decided he wanted to go to Duxbury beach. I said that I would go but then I realized that I would instantly regret it because my dad is a Godawful driver. He is like a blind man attempting to drive. He doesn't stay on his side of the road, he doesn't know what brakes are, and he cuts people off like it's his job. I swear to you, we almost died at least 5 times. He's the kind of guy that asks the passenger "am I good that way?" and the passenger says "no you have a car coming," and then he decides to go anyway. Oh, and he goes through red lights.

But we made it there safely and I may or may not have kissed the ground when we got there.

So yesterday my aunt brought over sparklers, and my sister Sally took one and lit it. She was playing around with it and of course, dancing. She got so into making little designs with the sparkling end, that she flung it a little too hard and the lit end went straight into the grass. I feel like things like this can only happen to her, like the time a few weeks ago where she randomly fell over in a parking lot, skinning her hands and knees. When she was demonstrating her fall to me, not only did it NOT look like she just simply fell, but it looked like she fell over the handlebars of a bike. She was demonstrating and said "and then my chin hit the ground..." and I was like "your CHIN?! Where the hell were your hands?!" because when normal people fall, they put their hands out. Unless your name is Sally or Adam Mcquaid.

Anywhores. Speaking of hockey, my mom watched the end of the Stanley Cup game with us and when it was announced that they had pulled their goalie, my mom was instantly full of questions.

"Wait! So they have no goalie in their net right now!?"
"Why do they do that!? So they have one extra skater, right?"
"Does that ever work?!"

After a while, it was revealed that my mom in fact thought that the goalie was the one to go out and skate with them. She thought that instead of skating to the bench, HE himself went out and played with the other guys. Now, I don't want to be mean, but I had never heard of an idea so ludicrous. But when I pictured it, it's actually very comical. Can you just imagine the goalie like "Hey guys, sorry I'm not as fast as you are, and sorry my padding weighs me down, and sorry that I can't really score or pass that good, but....I'm here to HELP!"

Oh, mom. You and your hockey knowledge.

Anyway. I just thought it should be known that when we were all hanging out outside last night, Sally announces that she is going inside to take a shower. After we realized that none of the bathroom lights were on, apparently she secretly went to bed. Leaving her own boyfriend with Schroeder and I. I don't know what goes on in Sally's head, I really don't. All I know is that her mind probably resembles a retarded person's: Very confusing, but not a whole lot.

-Jenny

The Vancouver Canucks can cry themselves to sleep tonight

So we won the Stanley Cup. I'm so glad because the Canucks are probably the dirtiest players ever. They make that douchebag team in D3 Mighty Ducks look like saints. And they were assholes.

So I have this new tee shirt. It's probably going to be the tee shirt of the summer, on account of how amazing it is:

Yes. It is Goldilocks funneling a beer like it's her JOB. Who the HELL wants porridge when you can chug a beer with three bears?!?! Who the HELL even eats porridge anymore? Is porridge the same as oatmeal? I like the world porridge.

But yes. I paid 4 dollars for this shirt and it will be with me always.

So I saw this picture in Rolling Stone magazine. I don't know if me explaining it will be enough but I will try. As many of you know, Selena Gomez and Justin Beiber are a thing now. So the picture is of them at some sort of beach making out, and Justin is totally holding on to her ass. Let me say this first: I like Selena Gomez (deal with it.) and I HATE Justin Beiber. So it's like, why are you letting this sixteen year old grab your ass? This is obviously the first ass he's grabbed, (a girl's ass, that is) and this is obviously his first kiss (with a girl, that is). And it gets to a point where I want to scream at her. "WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT WITH JUSTIN BEIBER?! YOU KNOW HE'S GOING TO BE GAY IN 3-5 YEARS, WHY WASTE YOUR TIME?!"

I obviously can't make any "robbing the cradle" jokes, but honestly Selena, he hasn't even hit puberty yet. He still sounds like Elmo when he talks.

So I'm thinking this summer I'm going to be more cool. I say "more" because I know I already am a great deal of cool. But anyway, I'm GOING to get a ukulele, I'm GOING to carry it around in a Hemp backpack, and I'm GOING to play hacky sack like every day. I'm also going to act like I know how to play the harmonica. Maybe I'll get a tattoo. You can't put a limit to this summer's objectives.

So anyway, I've been reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and so far, it's exactly like the movie. But it includes illustrations by Ralph Steadman, and this makes me smile.

I suggest everyone listen to "Tonight You Belong to Me" by Eddie Vedder.

Now.

-Jenny

Fiber One...or five oh one? The official question of the retard.

So the sickness is almost gone. I have my voice again, although I sound more like a man than usual, I don't have a sore throat anymore, and most importantly, I'M STARTING TO TASTE BEER AGAIN! Not that I'm an alcoholic or anything.

So I'll just jump into things. First off, work. I'm aware that I have the shittiest job ever and that I should probably start to grow up and find a real job that doesn't involve retards (whether they're actually working with you or just shopping in the store) because you have to realize that Carver is a dump. But anyway, this man decides to ask me where the "Fiber One granola bars" are. This is an easy question for me, not because I've worked there since I was a junior in high school, but because they are simply with all the other goddamned granola bars. The fact that this man could not find granola bars is beyond me. Honestly, not to sound like a sexist lesbian, but I think that all men are as dumb as rocks.

So anyway, I lead him to the FIBER ONE granola bars, and then I point out where the FIBER ONE granola bars are. Then he says, "I don't think those are the ones," which perplexes me for obvious reasons. Then, this is what he says: "I think they say FIBER ONE right on them."

So now I'm thinking that this man is either A) a complete idiot or B) is yanking my chain. Then, I start to think that this man might be as retarded as I assumed (again, not a sexist lesbian) and is in fact, saying "501" granola bars. Which, of course, do not exist. This man was told by his wife (who is most definitely an intelligent lady) to buy fiber one granola bars, and this shitass heard "five oh one". My God,
IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU DIDN'T HAVE, I'D HAVE ONE DOLLAR. Honestly! He was looking for a box of granola bars that had a label of "501"!

So of course, as I am pointing out all the different Fiber One granola bars to him (peanut butter, chocolate and mocha, caramel, etc etc) he is looking elsewhere. So of course, I apologize to him and walk away. I apologize that you are so goddamned retarded. I apologize for the fact that I had found what your wife was looking for, and you are going to go home to her and say that you couldn't find them when I actually pointed them out to you. She is NEVER going to send you grocery shopping AGAIN.

The funny thing is, this man reminded me of my dad in a grocery store.

Anyway. My mom told me that she saw a "squirrel funeral" the other day. She said that as she was driving to work, she saw a "newly dead squirrel" on the road (on that was JUST HIT it seemed) and as she was passing it, she saw about 4-5 squirrels on the side of the road, seeming to have a funeral for it. She even said that they were in a praying pose.

It's about this part in the story where I start to wonder if she has been doing some kind of drug. Which of course, is not possible, but it would certainly explain this weird "Alice in Wonderland" sort of dreamlike state. I mean, I've seen alive squirrels and I've seen dead squirrels, but I never created a backstory for them.

But I guess I can't really call people crazy because I've actually considered how cool it would be to have a tea party with all of my stuffed animals.



Anyway...if anybody knew what was good for them, they would listen to "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" by Coldplay.

-Jenny

So THAT'S what happens when you eat too much sugar free gum.

So, I was thinking about memorial day LAST summer. I would have to say it goes down as one of the funnest/greatest days of my life. We all drove out on Duxbury beach with the Jeeps and stayed there all day. This is what it looked like.

Here is another picture.

You can see from behind my sister that jeeps line up for miles. It was very hot this day and why Sally is dressed like it's February is beyond me. Anyway.

So, as any normal human being would know, spending an entire day at the beach has some downsides. Such as peeing. Because if you're too much of a sissy to go in the cold water, you're out of luck. Well, especially if you're a girl. This was not a problem for me because I had the stones to go into the water and do my pee there. And everybody was drinking pretty heavily (when I say "everybody", I pretty much mean Schroeder and I.) So all in all, beer+no bathrooms=not only are you going to have to pee every five minutes, you're really going to have nowhere to do it.

So Schroeder's mom, Peppermint Patty, would NOT go in the water WHATSOEVER. When I asked her what she had planned to do for her pee, (seeing as how we had only been there for about an hour, and it was still around 11am) this is what she replied with: "I want to dig a hold in the sand, squat over it with a towel around me and do it like that. Then I'll just cover it up when I'm done!"



.....Now, I've never heard anyone propose an idea quite like this in my entire life. Once I had told her sternly that "you want to do what CATS do with their poop", she still thought it was a pretty solid idea. She thought I was crazy for thinking it was a crazy idea. You're talking about DIGGING a HOLE, PEEING in it, then COVERING it back up! And you have the nerve to tell me that's NORMAL? Yes it is. It is normal for a CAT.

This is what normal people do at the beach. You have to pee? Go in the water. Don't want to pee alone? Grab a friend!

Every five minutes: "Do you have to pee?" "Yeah." "Okay let's go."

There were many other things that happened that day. We thought Dennis Wideman was with the group that was beside us, we played football pass and had a random guy start playing with us, and some things were said that probably wouldn't be said if alcohol wasn't a factor. i.e. this is my best friend saying what he would do if he happened to be gay.

As you can see, he isn't just "saying", he is pretty much CONFESSING. And as you can see, Sally doesn't care.

But anyway, as the day went on and more fun was had, I forgot about Peppermint Patty and her pee problems. I had told her earlier in the day that if she peed like a cat, I would not talk to her anymore. I don't really know how she managed that day, and I never really asked. All I know is that we were there from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm, she had a lot of wine (or were they Zimas?!) and she never went in the water. If she had peed in the sand, I wouldn't know it because she covered it back up.

Anyway, onto something else. I would like to talk about a conversation my dad and I had the other day. For some odd reason, my dad had told my mom that he would go to the grocery store for her. Everybody was shocked, mainly because once my dad goes into a grocery store (or any store for that matter, besides Lowe's) and doesn't know what to do. My dad walks into grocery stores, finds the nearest employee (hopefully) and GIVES them the list. He's one of those "here's my grocery list, here is my basket. I'll wait at the checkout for you. What do you say, like, five minutes?" Now, I'm not saying my dad is completely lost, I'm just saying he's definitely one of those people who walks up to a person in a shaw's shirt with a nametag on, and says "do you work here?"

So of course while he is gone we get a bunch of phone calls. I had made the mistake of putting "Triscuit crackers" on the list. So he calls me and this is how our conversation goes.

Me: Do you need to know where they are?
Dad: No I found them, I'm standing right in front of them.
Me: Okay, so what's the problem?
Dad: There's...a million different kinds.
Me: Dad I just want the original.
Dad: Just the original Triscuit crackers? There's parmesan, sundried tomato, cracked peppercorn...
Me: No just the original.
Dad: Okay. There's the original Thin Crisp?
Me: DAD, the ORIGINAL TRISCUIT CRACKER. No thin crisps. No triangles. They are original square crackers.
Dad: Okay, original Triscuit Crackers. Got em.

I'm aware that people can get easily confused when it comes to a product with many different kinds, but really. Maybe like baby food, but not the original triscuit crackers.

-Jenny

"I like putting my face in your armpit."

So my sister Sally asked me today "what book I was currently reading", to which I replied, "Alice in Wonderland." Then she said this and I kid you not: "I wish I could be as cool as you." And she was 100% serious.

So I begin to wonder what is so "cool" about Alice in Wonderland. Because if you ask me, I'd actually say it's the opposite of cool. I think it's downright nerdy. Although it seems pretty cool to read it and ponder to yourself this: "what kind of drugs was Lewis Carroll on when writing this book? Because every goddamned sentence makes me wonder who the HELL would EVER think of this? I feel like it's the cast of MTV's "Skins" that wrote this book.

So then I asked Sally what SHE was reading, to which she replied with "some cooking magazine." Some things just never change.

So I was telling Linus earlier today that my sisters had told me before that out of all the Kardashian sisters, Chloe reminded them of me. Upon hearing this, I remembered getting very upset. Why? Because Chloe is a big girl. Also, she's not that pretty. Also, she's like the Green Giant. We're talking like Jack and the Beanstalk shit here. Here is what she looks like.

Or this.

Whatever. My sisters then clarified that it wasn't her looks that reminded them of me, but I digress. (By the way, I never knew what this word meant. "Digress". When people said, 'I digress', I had no idea what in the HELL they were talking about. Yup. English major right here. I looked it up just now and I'm still not even sure if I'm using the phrase correctly.)

Quick subject change. A few nights ago I walked into Sally's room and noticed a potent smell that I only smelled in her room. So upon entering, I said, "Something smells like moldy cheese in here," and without even thinking about it, she said "You know, I think it MIGHT be my feet...?" Like she already knew, she was just waiting for someone to say something. So then we noticed that my cat was in the doorway, so we started to call for her to come into the room. Which of course, she wouldn't. So Sally then says "She never actually comes IN my room, she just always stands outside of it." Then I said, "That's because your room smells like asshole."

And she wonders why Diego pukes in her room. It's because it smells like asshole. Sally's feet after a long day of teaching first graders.

By the way-I found this while I was getting a picture of the Green Giant for my Chloe Kardashian reference. Enjoy.

-Jenny