Okay, so I had this fantabulous idea to write only a few sentences on my favorite books. Most of them are classic literature, while some of them are just my favorites, and some of them are just books that I thought should be included to sound smart. Now, keep in mind, while I did read almost all of these, (and am a huge fan of), there are some that I eventually got bored with and stopped reading. Because honestly, I would rather watch paint dry.
So, some of these are my opinions, some are "do's and don't's", some are common sense, and some are "things learned". But let's dive the fuck in, shall we?
1) Wuthering Heights-Everybody is miserable. And as far as names go...there are way too many "Cathy's". Heathcliff is a total badass and so is his name.
2) The Great Gatsby-Rich people are assholes. Except for Gatsby. Also, the ONE time he wants to use his pool...
3) Rebecca-Your husband is a fucking WEIRDO. Actually, you're kind of a weirdo too...
4) Jane Eyre-Being innocent sucks. Stop being so naive, and don't mix business with pleasure.
5) Lolita-You're gross, Humbert Humbert. That is all.
6) The Bell Jar-You know you're fucking crazy when you're not allowed to look in a mirror. And when you date a guy named "Buddy".
7) The Catcher in the Rye-Calls everybody "morons", when he is the biggest "moron" himself. Also, take more care of a record that you've been looking for forever.
8) Walden-Living in the woods by yourself is fucking cool.
9) Howl-It's pretty cool to be gay and provocative.
10) On the Road-Take a road trip for fuck's sake. It seems like fun and you might meet some cool people.
11) Oedipus Rex-Don't fuck your mother.
12) The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn-Please don't use that word.
13) Frankenstein-Don't create something that you can't handle, idiot.
14) To Kill a Mockingbird-Don't go near creepy houses.
15) The Death of a Salesman-I didn't fucking read this book because it was boring as HELL.
16)The Scarlet Letter-Don't sleep around. Terrible things will happen.
17) Any Robert Frost poem-He likes snow and the woods, OKAY?!
18) The Metamorphosis-You never now what your family really thinks of you until you wake up and you've turned into a huge bug.
19) Anna Karenina-Not unlike The Scarlet Letter, DON'T be a slut. The other guy will always be a dick.
20) Romeo and Juliet-Before you kill yourself, JUST FUCKING WAIT! That's what you get for assuming...
21) Hamlet-Don't drink something that was given to you by someone who has a problem with you.
22) The Fall of the House of Usher-Don't visit your friends when they're fucking insane. And don't help them bury their sister when she never really died.
23) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-Say off drugs...Seriously, you'll see a bunch of shit thats not there. Like birds.
24) The Canterbury Tales-Can anyone understand this shit>!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Awkward Conversations and the World Ending
Hello friends.
Let me just start off this post with the weather lately. This is me impersonating the weather lately. RAIN SUN SLEET SNOW WARM FREEZING SNOW RAIN SUN
This only means one thing to me: THEWORLDISENDING ANDWE'REALLGONNADIE.
In other news, I spent a shit ton of money the other day to buy the iPhone 5s. Which means I will be eating Ramen Noodles in a dark room by myself for the next year. (Not like that's any different from what I do now.) But here's the funny part, I didn't even realize that I finally had Siri!
So the first thing I asked her was "where to hide a body", to which she was not amused. Then I asked her if she'd like to have sex with me, and she calmly told me that "she had everything she needed". Okay, point made and received. Bitch.
So I had this problem recently. For the radio station, we go up to ski resorts in New Hampshire to do events. They told us from the get go that carpooling was encouraged. But the last weekend, I had to take the company van up. Which is no problem. But a guy I work with wanted to come with me, which isn't really a problem either. But he didn't meet me at the Globe parking lot. He wanted me to "pick him up on the way". So I did.
Here's my issue. It wasn't exactly on the way. Here is what I did getting to New Hampshire that day.
1) Drive an hour to the Globe.
2) Drive an hour from there to pick num nuts up at his house.
3) Drive another 2 1/2 hours to Bretton Woods.
Oh and he's annoying. And smoked cigarettes in the van. And I hate the smell of cigarettes. Basically I just wanted to push him out.
If you're going to tell me that you can't meet me at the Globe and that your house is on the way, and then it really isn't, then fuck you. I mean, my definition of "on the way" is me slowing down to a minimum of 40 mph on the highway, and you're running on the side to catch up and jump in the van. I'm going to call you when I'm 5 minutes from where you are, and THAT'S when you're going to start running to gain momentum to jump in. That's what "on the way" means.
In other awkward news, my mother told the poor woman at the AT&T store that I've re-read the 50 Shades of Grey series "about ten times."
First of all, that's super embarrassing, for the sole purpose of that they are about hardcore S&M sex. And you're telling a complete stranger that I basically spend all my days and nights reading degrading, sexual, abusive, "every page is a hardcore porno" books. AND SECOND OF ALL, I've only read the series TWICE. That's probably once more too many, but whatever, I enjoyed them.
...Not like that.
Anyway, my brother in law Franklin used to make fun of people who pretended like their dogs could talk. The other day I was leaving their house and I said "bye Colby!" and Franklin said "say goodbye to Jenny, Colby!"
I just want to let everyone who talks to their dogs as if they could talk back...THEY CAN'T. THEY JUST CAN'T. Am I looking for a "goodbye" from Colby when I leave? NO. I say goodbye to Colby and he just does his "dumb guy" stare and I leave. And that is that.
-Jenny
Let me just start off this post with the weather lately. This is me impersonating the weather lately. RAIN SUN SLEET SNOW WARM FREEZING SNOW RAIN SUN
This only means one thing to me: THEWORLDISENDING ANDWE'REALLGONNADIE.
In other news, I spent a shit ton of money the other day to buy the iPhone 5s. Which means I will be eating Ramen Noodles in a dark room by myself for the next year. (Not like that's any different from what I do now.) But here's the funny part, I didn't even realize that I finally had Siri!
So the first thing I asked her was "where to hide a body", to which she was not amused. Then I asked her if she'd like to have sex with me, and she calmly told me that "she had everything she needed". Okay, point made and received. Bitch.
So I had this problem recently. For the radio station, we go up to ski resorts in New Hampshire to do events. They told us from the get go that carpooling was encouraged. But the last weekend, I had to take the company van up. Which is no problem. But a guy I work with wanted to come with me, which isn't really a problem either. But he didn't meet me at the Globe parking lot. He wanted me to "pick him up on the way". So I did.
Here's my issue. It wasn't exactly on the way. Here is what I did getting to New Hampshire that day.
1) Drive an hour to the Globe.
2) Drive an hour from there to pick num nuts up at his house.
3) Drive another 2 1/2 hours to Bretton Woods.
Oh and he's annoying. And smoked cigarettes in the van. And I hate the smell of cigarettes. Basically I just wanted to push him out.
If you're going to tell me that you can't meet me at the Globe and that your house is on the way, and then it really isn't, then fuck you. I mean, my definition of "on the way" is me slowing down to a minimum of 40 mph on the highway, and you're running on the side to catch up and jump in the van. I'm going to call you when I'm 5 minutes from where you are, and THAT'S when you're going to start running to gain momentum to jump in. That's what "on the way" means.
In other awkward news, my mother told the poor woman at the AT&T store that I've re-read the 50 Shades of Grey series "about ten times."
First of all, that's super embarrassing, for the sole purpose of that they are about hardcore S&M sex. And you're telling a complete stranger that I basically spend all my days and nights reading degrading, sexual, abusive, "every page is a hardcore porno" books. AND SECOND OF ALL, I've only read the series TWICE. That's probably once more too many, but whatever, I enjoyed them.
...Not like that.
Anyway, my brother in law Franklin used to make fun of people who pretended like their dogs could talk. The other day I was leaving their house and I said "bye Colby!" and Franklin said "say goodbye to Jenny, Colby!"
I just want to let everyone who talks to their dogs as if they could talk back...THEY CAN'T. THEY JUST CAN'T. Am I looking for a "goodbye" from Colby when I leave? NO. I say goodbye to Colby and he just does his "dumb guy" stare and I leave. And that is that.
-Jenny
Saturday, March 8, 2014
"Is She More Badass Than Me?" "My MOTHER is More Badass Than You."
So the other night, my sister Sally came home (to her house) to which I was already there watching the Bruins game with her husband. She saw me drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper, which she found extremely odd. I'll admit, if you see me drinking a soda during a Bruins game, I'd be worried too. So after a few minutes, she asked me if I wanted a glass of wine with her. "UH, OF COURSE!" I had exclaimed, like I always would answer with a stupid fucking question like that.
To which she says:
"Well I saw you drinking a soft drink and thought you might be pregnant."
...
There are numerous issues I have with this comment. Let's get started.
1) Who the FUCK says "soft drink" anymore?! I mean, besides people over 80 years old. Sally, do you KNOW how ridiculous you sound?
2) Thanks bitch. Please don't jinx me.
3) HAVE I REALLY GOTTEN THAT FUCKING FAT?!??!
4) Glad to know that IF I WAS (aggressively knocks on wood), it would come out when somebody sees me drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it. I would HOPE the announcement goes a HELL of a lot better than THAT.
It's kind of funny to think about, because there would be no keeping it a secret for more than a day. Because beer is my friend. Unless I put water in beer cans. Then NOBODY would know.
But still, that was kind of awkward. Just like taking a "What Animal Are You?" quiz on Facebook and getting a "YOU ARE A BEAVER!"
So going back a bit, the day before Valentine's Day, I was trying to pick out a card for my boyfriend, Snoopy. I saw a category of "From Dog", and instantly hated everything. I couldn't believe that people actually do this. Yo, I love dogs and all, but sometimes the way that people treat them like they can talk and converse is just ridiculous.
So I said "Hah, that's fucking crazy", and walked out.
So then, a few days later, I went to Sally and Franklin's house. Of course I go to read all the Valentine's Day cards that are on the table, looking for the one's they bought for each other because I am a nosey bitch.
So I open one up that I thought was going to be Franklin's to Sally, and find that it is actually from Colby. (The dog) That's funny, because I thought dog's weren't allowed in stores? How did he shop for it? I also thought dogs didn't have any money. I mean, maybe a little, but they definitely don't have a lot, and cards are expensive nowadays.
Guys, I'm gonna break it down real easy for you. Colby doesn't know you guys' names. The only things he knows is that you guys are around him an awful lot, so he likes to hang with you too. He knows that you take him out when he has to go pees and poops. He also knows that you give him food a few times a day, and yummy treats when he's good.
Also, what if he didn't want to buy you a card? I mean, he doesn't know what the fuck Valentine's Day IS. I mean, sometimes it comes in handy when I forget to buy a card for someone. "Just put my name on yours," I'll frantically tell one of my sisters. But I don't think Colby thought like this.
The icing on the dumb cake is that Franklin TRACED Colby's paw as a signature. I looked them both dead in the eye and said "You guys are a whole new level of crazy." and walked away.
And if they weren't crazy enough already, let me tell you another story about how they think their dog is a person:
They had asked me to go to their house and dogsit for them while they went out to dinner with some friends. So, I went over there, let myself in with the key that they made for me (idiots), and let him out of his crate. Then, I notice some sticky notes that were being left around (on everything.) Various things, like CDs and other belongings that she stole at some point that had to go back home. Then I opened the fridge, and saw that she had dug up some expired beers for me as a thank you. THESE had sticky notes on them. This is what it said:
"Colby has had diarrhea all over the house today, thanks!"
Of course she would put bad news like this on my beer. Of course. Still, I wish I would have known that BEFORE I let him out of his crate! I would have taken the beers to go and just left him there! I just was sick and had diarrhea, I don't want to deal with someone ELSE'S diarrhea!
Haha, I'm just picturing what my note would say that I would leave for them.
"Hi, your note scared me, so I peaced out. I took your beers to go, you shouldn't mind because they've been in the basement for the last year and you're just trying to pawn them off on me. I did you a favor. Hopefully Colby's okay, I didn't feed him." Love, Jenny.
To which she says:
"Well I saw you drinking a soft drink and thought you might be pregnant."
...
There are numerous issues I have with this comment. Let's get started.
1) Who the FUCK says "soft drink" anymore?! I mean, besides people over 80 years old. Sally, do you KNOW how ridiculous you sound?
2) Thanks bitch. Please don't jinx me.
3) HAVE I REALLY GOTTEN THAT FUCKING FAT?!??!
4) Glad to know that IF I WAS (aggressively knocks on wood), it would come out when somebody sees me drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it. I would HOPE the announcement goes a HELL of a lot better than THAT.
It's kind of funny to think about, because there would be no keeping it a secret for more than a day. Because beer is my friend. Unless I put water in beer cans. Then NOBODY would know.
But still, that was kind of awkward. Just like taking a "What Animal Are You?" quiz on Facebook and getting a "YOU ARE A BEAVER!"
So going back a bit, the day before Valentine's Day, I was trying to pick out a card for my boyfriend, Snoopy. I saw a category of "From Dog", and instantly hated everything. I couldn't believe that people actually do this. Yo, I love dogs and all, but sometimes the way that people treat them like they can talk and converse is just ridiculous.
So I said "Hah, that's fucking crazy", and walked out.
So then, a few days later, I went to Sally and Franklin's house. Of course I go to read all the Valentine's Day cards that are on the table, looking for the one's they bought for each other because I am a nosey bitch.
So I open one up that I thought was going to be Franklin's to Sally, and find that it is actually from Colby. (The dog) That's funny, because I thought dog's weren't allowed in stores? How did he shop for it? I also thought dogs didn't have any money. I mean, maybe a little, but they definitely don't have a lot, and cards are expensive nowadays.
Guys, I'm gonna break it down real easy for you. Colby doesn't know you guys' names. The only things he knows is that you guys are around him an awful lot, so he likes to hang with you too. He knows that you take him out when he has to go pees and poops. He also knows that you give him food a few times a day, and yummy treats when he's good.
Also, what if he didn't want to buy you a card? I mean, he doesn't know what the fuck Valentine's Day IS. I mean, sometimes it comes in handy when I forget to buy a card for someone. "Just put my name on yours," I'll frantically tell one of my sisters. But I don't think Colby thought like this.
The icing on the dumb cake is that Franklin TRACED Colby's paw as a signature. I looked them both dead in the eye and said "You guys are a whole new level of crazy." and walked away.
And if they weren't crazy enough already, let me tell you another story about how they think their dog is a person:
They had asked me to go to their house and dogsit for them while they went out to dinner with some friends. So, I went over there, let myself in with the key that they made for me (idiots), and let him out of his crate. Then, I notice some sticky notes that were being left around (on everything.) Various things, like CDs and other belongings that she stole at some point that had to go back home. Then I opened the fridge, and saw that she had dug up some expired beers for me as a thank you. THESE had sticky notes on them. This is what it said:
"Colby has had diarrhea all over the house today, thanks!"
Of course she would put bad news like this on my beer. Of course. Still, I wish I would have known that BEFORE I let him out of his crate! I would have taken the beers to go and just left him there! I just was sick and had diarrhea, I don't want to deal with someone ELSE'S diarrhea!
Haha, I'm just picturing what my note would say that I would leave for them.
"Hi, your note scared me, so I peaced out. I took your beers to go, you shouldn't mind because they've been in the basement for the last year and you're just trying to pawn them off on me. I did you a favor. Hopefully Colby's okay, I didn't feed him." Love, Jenny.
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