Vampires and...sex?

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. BUT, I just had an interesting discussion with people I work with about a very important loophole in the Twilight series. And it is this: If Edward Cullen (no matter how sexy he is) is technically "dead" inside, how does his penis work? How can he have sex? To me, this is a very serious issue. I don't know how I haven't realized it before. If he has no blood flowing, then he can't...make it work. And NOT TO MENTION the fact that he got a human girl PREGNANT. So, your penis isn't even supposed to work and now it's shooting little demon tadpoles into her?! I'm sorry Stephenie Meyer, I know this is a work of fiction, but this is a serious loophole. You might want to think about how vampires' bodies are supposed to work before you write a worldwide phenomenon. Just sayin.

But other than that. Good job.


So Thanksgiving happened. Just like it does every year. I recently noticed one thing: The Kasianowicz's are goddamned crazy. That is all. And it's not just because my sister Sally STILL seems to believe that all the musical guests in the Macy's Day Parade really DO sing and DO NOT lip sync. I don't know if she's retarded or just blind, but when you're singing a song and your facial expressions are not matching up with the way it should be sung, you're full on Ashlee Simpson lip syncing.

When the party died down, Lucy and I watched Monte Carlo. Because what goes better with turkey than a good movie with Selena Gomez? Absolutely nothing. (BTW, Monte Carlo is another movie with a good amount of loose ends, but I'll get to that another time).

On Saturday night, we all gathered at Sally and Franklin's apartment and had a grand old time. One of my cousins reminded me of how I told her that girls that wear leggings as pants make me really angry. This was on the weekend of Sally's wedding in Martha's Vineyard. I said something like "yeah, girls that wear leggings as pants make me want to punch them in the face." and she said, "Jen, I wore leggings yesterday..." and after a long pause, I responded with "yeah, I wanted to punch you in the face." Then I tried to backtrack and say that "it's just not my style" and that "she made it look cool" but of course she wasn't buying it. I'm glad she wasn't because I totally didn't really think that.


-Jenny

"He swore at me this morning! And then I cried in the bathroom!"

Well it's been a while. Only because I simply have nothing funny to talk about. Haven't been up to much, just putting Purell on cat scratch wounds, having friends tell me they live off of an exit that doesn't exist, and catching a vegetable that I don't like in my mouth.

I also saw Breaking Dawn: Part 1 at midnight. I must say, it was pretty impressive. Nowhere near as good as the book, but whatever. Whatareyougonnado. But yeah, my mom and I went fully equipped with a water bottle of wine. Then we got nachos that we ate before the movie even started. Well, I ate them before the movie even started. At times like these, I think we are alcoholics. But then I tell myself, no, you are not.  And then people say, "Jen, stop talking to yourself". But I do often wonder: "Do other people sneak wine into movie theaters? Or is it just a Kasianowicz thing?"

Well, in other news, my sister Sally successfully offended every color, race, and religion today. All in a matter of about a minute.

She also played NHL 12 with us today. Her and I took on Linus and Franklin. Now, playing video games with Sally is quite humorous.

#1) She never knows who she is. Each player has a colored arrow over them, and I told her numerous times that she's "the yellow one", and I still hear about a million times, "where am I? Where am I?"
#2) When she has the puck, she NEVER knows it. She'll be carrying it up the ice and then just give it away. And then when she is actually aware that she has the puck, she'll start screaming "I got it! I got it! I got it" and by the time she gets all this out, the puck has already been taken away from her and they have scored a goal.
#3) Offsides. We explain them to her, she never gets it. She'll continue to say "I'll be waiting by the net!" Which of course, you cannot do.

No matter how lost Sally is during the game (a lot), we always seem to win. Which should make Linus and Franklin very disturbed.

Speaking of video games, Schroeder and I played a UFC game this morning, and let me tell you...there is NOTHING that says stress relief more than kicking the shit out of each other. You think punching and kicking each other is badass, then you learn how to ROUNDHOUSE kick, and it's all over. It cannot get any better than that. Chuck Norris would be proud. If he had any feelings.


-Jenny

Did people think you were a pedophile?

So it was a very interesting weekend. I have to say, the part where my dad had to PUSH my Volvo (bumper to bumper) to the junkyard was my least favorite. That was after it took its last wheezing breath and blew out a huge white cloud of smoke. If I do say so myself, it held on pretty long. But now that's over and I'm screwed. I only took my license plates and my key home with me =(. And now Volvo is going to be a pancake. But hey, it'll be a Swedish pancake. BAM!

My favorite part had to be the conversation between my dad and I. Since I didn't trust the Volvo enough to drive it to the junkyard, I made my dad drive it, while I followed in my mother's 1999 Chrysler Sebring. (As a side note, I used to make fun of Chrysler Sebrings all the time. #1-they're ugly as Hell. #2-they're dumb. Karma's a BITCH because now that's what I have to drive around in.) So anyway, when the car flatlined, my dad pulled over, and I pulled over behind him. He gets out, I get out- and he walks slowly over to me and says one word.

"Shit."

Then he proceeds to tell me that we are going to push it the rest of the way. I thought he was making a joke. He wasn't. He was all like "It's right up the road". It wasn't. We finally got it there and that was that. I felt like that kid in Fluke (?) when he was getting rid of the dog and he was like "Go on! GO! I don't WANT you anymore!" That's what I did once I literally rolled into the junkyard. I shouted at it and told it to get the hell away from me and that I didn't WANT it anymore. Of course, it didn't go anywhere. So I was the one that walked away.

But anyway. Onto something with a happier tone. Star Wars Laser Tag. With 7 year olds. Now, I don't mean to sound like I don't get out much, but being on Darth Vader's team and fighting alongside him, may be one of the greatest experiences ever. Jus sayin. Lucy thinks I'm weird because every time I'm asked who my favorite Star Wars character is, the answer is always a bad guy. Lucy asked me why I only like the guys from the Dark Side, and the answer is simple. You're SUPPOSED to like the good guys. How boring is that? Like "Oh who's your favorite character from Star Wars?" "Luke Skywalker". Oh yeah, that's refreshing. You're totally NOT like everybody else in the world.

The two teams were Darth Vader's team or the Stormtroopers team. I must say, it was quite frightening to see the Stormtrooper come around the corner and walk straight towards you, pointing a gun at you.

Maybe it wasn't this legit. But you get the picture. It's just something about their helmets. They look so angry. Or constipated. I'm not sure why I was kind of frightened by this, because the person inside is probably about 15 years old and has a pimply face.

When I got home, Linus was asking me if I "went easy on the kids". I, of course, replied with "HELL no." I was gunning down everyone I could find. I'm not trying to sound almighty, because I got hit A LOT. (especially by the Stormtrooper, I think he had it out for me). Or maybe it was just because I was such a big target, size wise. I'm 23 years old and I'm playing with all these little munchkins. Too bad I'm not Alice in Wonderland, because I could have just drank a potion to shrink before I played.

Oh yeah, and my cousin, who was on my team, shot me because "she was bored".

-Jenny

Everybody in Twilight has a problem.

I love the Twilight series, as most of you probably know. In preparation for the new movie coming out, I've decided to read the book. Having read it 2-3 times before (shut up), this is simply just a brush-up. But the more I read it, the more things I'm noticing about the characters. For one, Bella is a WHORE! (In addition to my rant about Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror, I guess this week is all about discovering sluts). But anyway. Obviously Bella loves Edward. Anybody in the world knows this. She doesn't only love him, but he's like her reason for living. And he feels the same way about her. However, whenever Jacob comes around, she's like a little school girl. She loves him, but she says "she loves Edward more". Psh. If I was Edward, I'd be all like "Oh thanks a lot, bitch. You love this godforsaken werewolf but you love me just a TAD bit more?" So then blah blah blah the books go on and in the third book, (SPOILER ALERT!) Edward proposes to her in the sweetest godddamn way, and she says yes. Of course, because A) LOOK AT HIM. and B) she's obsessed with him. Not 48 hours later, she plays tonsil hockey with Jacob. Now, if I had Edward as my husband, you bet your ass I wouldn't be running off to make out with a stupid Indian.

Which brings me to my next point. Jacob is annoying as HELL.

Bella makes it clear from halfway through the second book that she doesn't WANT Jacob. That she only sees him as a friend. That she wants Edward and she wants Edward forever. What does Jacob think about all this? "Oh, I think she means she loves me. I'll hang around and always get in the way, then. That's obviously what to do here."

But apparently he was annoying enough because she makes out with him. Gross. I mean, how does he have all this free time to be a homewrecker? Doesn't he have some sort of Casino called "Big Geronimos" or something like that to get back to?

Anyway, my problems with Edward. OH WAIT, there are none.

Halloween was fun.

And look, I have an old man pumpkin and a ninja pumpkin.

And this is a very creepy man.

It's funny because I watched Franklin and Linus set this guy up on the porch, and EVERY TIME I opened the door and saw it, I got frightened. Hah, his legs look like pancakes.

-Jenny

Rocky Horror: Everybody is a Slut.

So, in the spirit of Halloween (no pun intended), I decided to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. First of all, wicked good movie. Second of all, Tim Curry is absolutely hilarious. Third of all, Susan Sarandon is a wicked Hussie. And lastly, the "Time Warp" is probably the most "get stuck in your head forever" song I've ever heard. 

So I won't talk about it in too much detail, but I just noticed something when I was watching it the other night. The basic outline of the movie is that Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick are young lovers who somehow stumble into a castle of transvestites. If that last sentence didn't make you laugh, I'm mad at you. 

So, anyway. They get freaked out when all these misfit freakazoids break out into song and dance every two seconds, and then when Tim Curry murders Meat Loaf (hey, somebody's got to), they want to leave. But can they?! NO! When can you ever get away from singing and dancing transvestites from Transylvania? That's just unheard of. 

Moving on, blah blah blah Tim Curry pretty much thinks he's Frankenstein and just creates a man out of thin air. This man is obviously Rocky, and he is a beefcake of a man who is subjected to only wearing this gold speedo. First of all, Susan and Barry are forced to sleep in different beds in different rooms. To make a long story short, Tim Curry pretty much rapes them both. But when he goes into Susan Sarandon's room, he pretends to be her love, Barry Bostwick. When she finds out it's not Barry and is in fact Tim Curry, she puts up a little pitiful fight, and then lets him do whatever he wants. So here, a normal person would be like "Oh my god, she just cheated on her boyfriend!" Then what does she do two minutes later? She screws Rocky too. 

Here Rocky is, a newly made man, and he doesn't know what the Christ is going on. For God's sake, he doesn't even know how to talk. So as Susan Sarandon is seducing him, she is singing "Touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touch me! I want to be dirty!" Which just makes me think that Susan is a wicked whore. If I heard any girl say that, I would touch their face with my fist. Then I'd shove their face in the mud or something. 

Then Barry Bostwick finds out and he's like "eh, women right? what are you gonna do." 

Whatever, despite the fact that Susan Sarandon is a slut, I love this movie. 

I thought of a random memory today while I was at work. It has nothing to do with Rocky Horror. This past summer, while we were in Martha's Vineyard, we were talking about how bartenders do this thing where you put Bacardi Limon in the long neck of a Corona. We were saying how cool of an idea this was. It wasn't until later that Franklin and Schroeder told me that my dad walked out to them on the deck (it was late morning) and had a Corona in his hand. Then he says to them, "Yeah I put McGuilicuddy's in the neck. Pretty good." To which they just started laughing at him. Because honestly, how AWFUL that must have tasted. A MINT schnapps mixed with a CORONA. I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Leave it up to my dad to mix anything with anything. That man would mix tomato juice with rum. 

-Jenny