"PJ beer! It's almost as good as shower beer!"

I haven't written in awhile. I'm terribly sorry to my four fans. I hope you all have gotten along fine without it.

Anyway, let's jump right into it, shall we?

Is this not the creepiest picture you've ever seen in your life?! Looking at this picture makes me react in the same way I react upon seeing the creepy twins in "The Shining". And there's something about Sally's face that makes it look like she has no teeth.

Or let's just talk about this picture for a bit.

This picture makes us appear to be retarded retards. It might be the beer bottle on top of the very leaning stick stuck in the ground. Or it could be the way we are looking at it.

Anyway, onto something else. I had to take my cousin into the elementary school today to walk around, find her classroom, meet the principal, etc. Now, I was kind of excited because I went there about 17 years ago, and I hadn't been there since. So we passed the cafeteria, which is pretty much the only thing I remember clearly (probably because I loved food so much?) where I was reminded of how badass I used to think I was when I had pancakes for LUNCH. Anyway, the first thing I see is a framed picture on the wall. I instantly knew what this was. This writer/artist came to our school and showed us how he did his illustrations of dogs. When he was done, he signed it and put the date, 1995. I got ridiculously exicited upon seeing this, and said to my little cousin, (rather loudly, I couldn't control the volume of my voice) "I WATCHED him DRAW this when I was SEVEN years old!!!" to which she nervously laughed and gave me a look like I was mentally unstable. Her only response was "It's always been there..."

Also, we checked out their "outdoor classroom" which was a few picnic tables under a sort of tent. Which I thought was cool, so I figured I'd tell my cousin about how the college I went to had an outdoor classroom as well. I said "yeah, it was in the woods!" because honestly, Bridgewater State's outdoor classroom used to be in the goddamn woods! She gave me a look like she did in the cafeteria. A look of sheer horror/worry, and the well known look of embarrassment of being related to me.

I was just randomly reminded of a funny scenerio that took place this summer. It's not that funny, really, but it is to me. I was at the Cabbyshack in Plymouth getting lunch with Sally. All of the sudden, I had to go to the bathroom. If you're not familiar with the Cabbyshack, which I really wasn't, the walls and stuff are decorated as an underwater scene. Or some shit like that. I don't really remember the specifics. But yes, rather "nautical" if you will. So wandering around looking for the bathroom, I saw a sign with "restrooms" and an arrow, so I figured that was the way. But here is the funny part. There were two doors, no words, no labels, no nothing. There were only two pictures, one on each door. One of them was a Pirate (I capitalize Pirate because I feel like they are important people), and the other was a Mermaid. (They are important, too). And I hate to admit it, but for a SPLIT second, I actually HESITATED. Not like seriously hesitated, but like, if someone were to watch me, it'd be really embarrassing. I'll admit it, I'm obviously officially retarded. (Disclaimer! While most of you are probably assuming I was drunk, I had half a beer at this point.)But as I went into the Mermaid door, I thought I would justify my retardedness with the fact that I would honestly rather be a Pirate than a Mermaid. Maybe that is why I faltered. And I don't mean it symbolically, as in I'd rather be a boy than a girl. I honestly mean I'd rather be a Pirate. Because they are badasses and they shoot cannons and steal booty and drink rum, while Mermaids just swim around and perch themselves on rocks. And sing sad songs about wanting to walk. And I can't really see myself wearing a seashell bra. But I CAN see myself wearing an eye patch. That is all.

So tomorrow is September 1st. And that officially sucks because summer is over.


Anyway, I'm going to suggest the song of the day. It's an oldie but goodie.

M.I.A. "Paper Planes"

-Jenny

"Don't look at my eyes! They are DRUNK."

Okay. It's been one Hell of a week.

It started of with our drive to the ferry to get to the Vineyard. We were stuck in traffic and we see a car with a bike rack on the back. This is where Sally said, "I can't ride a bike." Then after we laughed in her face, she corrected herself with, "Well, I can, I'm just scared."

Having fears is one thing, and I really hate to make fun of people's fears. But when you're 26 and you are scared to ride a bike without training wheels, you're kind of asking for it.

This is the same girl that says "oh CRUM" when she gets mad.

So then we had to stop at this store in Falmouth so she could meet this children's book author that she's a huge fan of. Of course, she was the oldest person in there, and he was doing story time. Even my little cousin didn't care much for what he had to say. So Schroeder and I were just waiting outside for her, and we were sitting on a bench. Then, I felt it move, and for a second I thought that we were going to break this bench. Which wouldn't do much for my self esteem. So I said "I think this bench just creaked," and then I turned to Schroeder and said "unless you farted and that was the vibration..." to which he started laughing and said, "yup."

So anyway, we eventually got to the Vineyard and did a bunch of daytime drinking; the best kind. It's funny, because every summer we go to the Vineyard, there are no rules and no judgement from anybody. If you want to have a beer for breakfast at 8:30 in the morning, you can. Hell, there'd be a few people that would JOIN you. If you did that here, at home, you'd get ripped a new asshole. Your brain would be kicked into your intestines. Just saying.

But anywho. A bunch of things happened over the week, Schroeder fell asleep outside for a good hour the first night, then was very surprised when I told him so the next morning. "I did WHAT?" My dad narrated his life like he always does after we made a rule for "no narrations." ("I'm going to heat up that pizza for lunch." "I'm going upstairs to the balcony." "I'm going to the bathroom." etc etc)

Speaking of my dad, here is what he was up to for most of the week.

That's my dad on the left, you can't see it from this ridiculous picture, but he is in fact wearing a plaid orange shirt with different plaid shorts. After months of my sisters and I telling him that he can't mix plaids, he still does.

Here he is showing Lucy and her boyfriend how he swings a golf club, using a simple household broom.

One funny story comes to mind when I think back on the week. I was at the beach with Linus and Schroeder, when we saw a girl that we had seen a few times before on the same beach. And she was always by herself. And she was cute, so I thought that Schroeder should ask her to hang out. He thought that was too forward, so we were joking around about how to get her to come over. I said that I should say "Hey, come hang out with us! Our girl-to-boy ratio is uneven, and I don't want people to think I'm a slut. Can you help me out?"

It is here that we noticed that the bottom of her boob was out. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, it's not like you could see anything. Just a little bit of the bottom. Nothing too drastic. So it was here that the real jokes started. "Oh, she's OBVIOUSLY doing that for you, Schroeder. She's all like 'Hey, do you like my side boob? Well you should, cause it's a nice side boob.'" We were kind of sitting somewhat near her, and we were talking about her as loud as we wanted to, because she had her headphones on. Then I thought of how funny it would have been if she wasn't listening to anything. Like if the bottom of her headphone jack wasn't plugged into anything. CAN YOU IMAGINE?! Hah!

Then these two old men with saggy bums came and blocked our view of her. Linus, Schroeder, and I briefly wondered if they were looking at her underboob too, then Linus said "probably not, they are probably checking out the old ladies over there." Then came the impressions of the old men.

"Oh my god, look at her wrinkly ass."
"Look at her turkey neck. That is hot! I am READY for THANKSGIVING. Gobble gobble!"

We are not mean people.

I helped out with getting things ready for Sally's classroom today, and Linus and I were trying to think of a good "Welcome" message for the kids.

Here is what we came up with.

I don't know how to flip this, but you can probably read it anyway. If not, you're pathetic.

and then this.

Surprisingly, she decided that these were not appropriate for the classroom. There is no pleasing her.


On a side note, there must be something wrong with me, because I recently purchased a Chris Brown cd and an Akon cd. I never really liked Chris Brown, but I started to like him a little bit more ever since he punched Rihanna. Too soon?

-Jenny

The one time I was referred to as "insightful" was on the beach one night in Martha's Vineyard.

I am writing this blog during the day because tomorrow we will be leaving for Martha's Vineyard and although we are bringing a computer, I might just not want to write in it.

When are we leaving for MV tomorrow you ask? My dad has informed me that we will be leaving at 5:15 am. What's that? "Wow that's early" you might be saying to yourself. And you are absolutely right because we can't check into the house until 3 pm. Now, I love lugging my bags around the island for 9 hours as much as the next person, but seriously dad. This is one of the many times that I wish my dad would just get a grip on reality. Is it completely necessary for us to get to MV at 6 am? Shit no.

But this is coming from the man who packed for this trip exactly one full week ago. He basically had his bags packed and by the door last week. Now, I understand that he is excited, so I'm totally not going to judge him by saying that he's completely off his rocker and needs to be shot with a tranquilizer gun.

But I'm sure there will be many stories to tell when this week is through because I have never been to MV without having a million things that have made me almost pee myself with laughter. Like how my dad wanted to eat ice cream and goldfish at the same time. And when he couldn't open the carton of goldfish, got extremely frustrated and told me to open it, because he just "couldn't friggin figure it out." It's a carton of goldfish, dad. Come on. Or the many drunken UNO games, or how Schroeder broke the car door, or sitting on the private little beach in the back of the house. The nights that I spent sitting on that beach on a beach chair with my best friends have been the best nights of my life, and I wouldn't give them back for anything.

So we have this game called "Things" which I'm pretty sure I've talked about before. Hopefully I haven't told this story yet. Oh well. If I have you can just SHUT UP and listen to it again. So we were all playing the other night, and the card that we chose was "Things that you'd make a robot do for you". So among many inappropriate answers, (cough Schroeder), we read Sally's answer. And that was this:

"Go to the bathroom."

So, like 90% of what Sally says, we didn't know what the christ she was talking about. And to be honest, we still don't. How would you have a robot go to the bathroom FOR you? And second of all, is going to the bathroom really that much of an inconvenience?! Like, "OH my GOD, I have to pee AGAIN! This is such a pain in the ass. They should have a MACHINE that does this FOR you. God!"

Now, I know I make fun of her a lot, and at times I do feel bad. But this is honestly too good to pass by. So she comes home the other day with a bag full of stuff and she BRINGS it to me and says "I know you'll make fun of me for this. You might actually be speechless." What did she have? A huge BINDER that she was going to organize her coupons in. It wasn't like a standard binder, this binder had more compartments than an airplane. It looked like you could put straps on it and turn it into a backpack. And that's not the worst part. She then starts filling this binder with baseball card sheets. "They fit perfectly!" she said. Surprisingly, that's STILL not the worst part. She got dividers to divide her coupons. So when she goes to Shaw's with this obvious monstrosity, she will know what coupons are for deli, produce, seafood, grocery, bakery, and dairy. Once again, I don't want to judge, so I will go on the record saying that she is NOT completely insane, and NOT mentally unstable.

.........NOT mentally unstable.

So later on in the evening when she was talking about how she thought something my cousin got was cool, but she wouldn't pay 12 dollars for it, there was a long pause, to which I thought was the perfect time to throw in a "...why don't you get a coupon?"

To which I got a punch on the shoulder. And if you think that scrawny Sally's punches don't hurt, you're wrong. Her bony hands could punch a hole through your soul.

I'm going to inform you all of a song/poem/short story of the week!

Song: "The Great Estates" by Freelance Whales

Poem: "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg

Short Story: "Love Begins in Winter" by Simon Van Booy.

P.S. I'm still having major issues with this scrabble game for the iphone.

Whatever. These are obviously not the droids they were looking for.

-Jenny

Cheaters never win. Well, sometimes.

I had cheating on my mind today because Linus and I went mini golfing. And I cheated. I'm sure you're thinking "no way, Jen doesn't cheat at anything, she's too good." But yes, I cheated a little bit today.

But who cares? I only jumped in front of Linus' golf ball and/or threw my golf club in the path of his putts. One time the ball was actually headed STRAIGHT for the hole, to which he got kinda somewhat mad. But it was a perfectly executed plan.

And I have this thing with mini golf, that if my ball ends up in a place that is, for lack of better description, in a shitty location, I just move it wherever I want. But you have to be careful with who you play with while doing this, because surprisingly, some people won't let you get away with it. But on the other hand, if you take mini golf SERIOUSLY, I do not want to hang out with you.

But in the midst of my constant cheating, I was reminded of how I cheated in another game. And it of course, had to be "Guess Who?" Yeah you know, the game for six year olds.

So I was playing with Linus and we were outside. And the sun was in perfect placement shining behind him. So perfect, that it was in fact, shining on his card, making it very clear to me what character he had.

I don't know what's more sad/pathetic. The fact that once I noticed this, I acted like I had just seen something I surely wasn't supposed to see. I acted like I just saw somebody's nip slip out of their dress. Like you see it, and then you immediately dart your eyes someplace else. I instantly said to myself "oh my god! I can see right through his card! Well, don't LOOK Jen, geesh. Play fair." Or the fact that I actually looked for quite some time, and in the end, I guessed it and won.

But it COULD be worse. You could be Sally and cheat at every single game you've ever played. Sally cheats at Clue (she calls it STRATEGY), she cheats at Spongebob Life (played with my 6 year old cousin at the time), or her favorite thing to cheat at, UNO.

She likes to switch it up in her UNO cheating ways. Most of the time, it's a minor offense, such as putting sixes on top of nines and nines on top of sixes. We recently caught onto this, so everytime she puts one down, everyone at the table leans in like magnets to make sure it's right. Most of the time, it is, but I'm pretty sure she waits until everybody's had more drinks to start doing it. That's just my opinion.

But there was a major offense during a Martha's Vineyard UNO game one night. On top of all her nine and six offenses (which we caught her every time, but she continued to do it), we found that she was hiding cards under her chair cushion. How did we find out, you ask? Well I will tell you.

Even SHE forgot about them because she got up to go to the bathroom and this pile of cards just fell to the ground. I mean, if you're going to cheat in a big way like that, you've got to be careful. You can't just let your hidden cards fall on the floor. The funniest part though, was the fact that she was NOT winning. Not even close. But I will say I'm a little disappointed in all of us for not noticing. "Oh, Sally has UNO again?! She just had half the card deck, where did it all go!? And what's that poking out from under her seat cushion? Oh well, just luck I guess."

Anyways. Sally and I played the Sims with my younger cousin the other day. One thing to keep in mind, Sally is a nazi when it comes to the Sims. Now, my cousin is only nine years old. But did that stop Sally from yelling at her the entire duration of the game? No. "OH MY GOD! She has to go to the bathroom! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER TO THE BATHROOM?!" (she was saying this while the sim was on her way to the stupid bathroom.) Somebody needs to give her a chill pill asap.

But it was somewhat humorous to watch my cousin play. Because, she made two sims, and she would often neglect one of them while she played the other one. We learned that when you don't put your sim in the shower, there WILL be a big brown stench cloud that comes off of them. And when they are laying on the couch with this stink cloud, you WILL think they are possibly dead.

Speaking of, when we used to play the Sims on the computer, I would make these cool characters and build them this cool house. Then, they would obviously have no cooking skills, so I would have them use the stove. Then I'd have them ignore the beeping for dinner to be ready, which would set the kitchen on fire.

Then here's what I would do.

I would put them in the kitchen and leave them there, as the entire kitchen engulfed in flames. Sometimes, I would get mad when the firefighters would bust in and save me. But then when that was the case, I'd just do it again.

Some people kill their sims by complete accident or neglect. I do it for laughs.

It's ALMOST as disturbing as what I used to do in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, but we will NOT go there.

One of my cousins sims couldn't make it to the bathroom in time, and she peed right in the middle of the street. I was instantly reminded of JWoww from Jersey Shore.

Then I thought to myself, I should make a Jersey Shore Sim game. HAH. Doing it.

-Jenny

"I peed in the pool" Good! Proud of you! "It was near you..."

It's the morning! This feels weird.

So my dad just asked what the date was as he was writing a check (for one of his many things) and Sally told him that it was "the 5th" and then dad said "oh it's the 6th?" Haha, only my dad can not know the date and then when someone tells him, he still doesn't know the date.

So I painted the other day. Now, I'm not an artist. I shouldn't even be allowed to hold a paintbrush. You know what happens when I try and paint a picture? It comes out looking like paint exploded on the paper. I know people sometimes actually do that on purpose, but not me. I actually TRY really hard to paint an actual picture, and then it just comes out looking like I had a stroke right in the middle of it. And then when you actually look at it, you can kind of see the picture, but it honestly looks like a five year old did it.

The other issue is the fact that I painted with the paper on my lap. And in my regular clothes. And a white shirt. So what kind of paint do I get on my clothes? Black. Did it come out? No. Am I a complete retard? Absolutely.

Speaking of retards though, I have a funny story from yesterday that Sally is NOT going to like me telling. So she's on her computer doing some work to get ready for school or some shit like that. So she calls out to me, "Jen! How do you spell 'business'?!" To which of course I replied, "Are you SERIOUS?!" Most of the time, to her credit, she just asks me how to spell words just to double check. Like, she spells it correctly, and she just wants to make sure it's right. So, knowing this, I spell it out for her and then I hear "Oh. (laughs) That's nothing like I had." So we break into hysterics and I start yelling out "Sally, I'm a LOSER who SITS around all day, and even I know how to spell 'business'"! And then she said "aww. You're not a loser."

Then I said, "...I'm in my pjs still. And it's 3 in the afternoon. And I've watched the marathon of Jersey Shore all day."

Which is pretty much the definition of a loser.

Then Sally went on with "how about 'guaranteed'?"

I  may be the biggest loser I know, and I may work at Shaw's at 23 years old, but I'm glad I at least know how to spell. Like a champ.

Why don't we keep going with the loser/retard theme and talk about Brad Marchand from the Boston Bruins. Now, I've always made fun of him with friends about how retarded he looks pretty much all the time. Here he is:

So I wanted to try and do a "Brad Marchand" picture. This is how it came out.

..............


-Jenny

"Was anything else lost that night?" ...Dignity.

So my dad decided to tell a story the other night. It was about how one of his friends introduced him to one of HIS friends when he was younger. To make a long story short, when dad met him, this guy was walking around naked. Dad cracked himself up when he was telling this story, but we all thought it was kind of creepy. Then he said "we were laughing our balls off!" which made me laugh, maybe because it was an interesting choice of words. Then he was telling some other story to us (Schroeder, Sally, and Sally's fiance. I'm thinking we should give him a name now...let him be...Franklin, ((haha)) and my dad said "We went clubbing" and then my mom interrupted him and said "Pig Pen, maybe you should tell these kids what 'clubbing' means." Which forced us all into hysterics. It's like the time where my dad thought us kids didn't know what "chugging a beer" meant. Oh boy. They are so naive.

So I've known for a while that my nose is crooked, okay? And it's really boney, so I've asked my mom before if it had been broken before, like when I was a kid and I just didn't remember it. She says no. Maybe she broke it when I was a toddler, and she just doesn't want to tell me. Maybe I took a crayola crayon to the wall and she just flipped out and uppercutted me RIGHT in the nose. Like, "JENNIFER! What did you draw on the wall? What is that?! A SMILEY face?! Why don't you smile on THIS." and then BAM! Punched in the nose.

Anywho. If I look at you straight on, my nose is WAY crooked.

No lie. This is STRAIGHT on. Look at how much it LEANS! So my sister Sally told me to just look at people like this:

Hahaha. Looks better...right? It SO doesn't look like I'm the biggest creep in the world or anything. The first thing that comes to mind when I took this picture is "pick pocket."

So my cousin came over yesterday. We have all been playing this scrabble game on our iphones, so we told her to download it, so she could play with us as well. Keep in mind that she is in college. So I was sitting next to her when she was trying to play a word, then she says this:

"WHAT?! 'Curfew' isn't a word!?"

So I say, well of course it is, are you sure you spelled it correctly? How did she spell it, you ask?

"Curfue."


I mean, I've had some problems with the game too...

I have an English degree.


-Jenny.