Do you want to know what I'll never understand? THERE IS STILL NO TWILIGHT VIDEO GAME.
So. Anyway. Speaking of Twilight.
Because I am single, I have been re-reading "50 Shades of Grey". Don't ask any questions. I would really just say it's because I have an awful book memory and forget most of the storyline, but who am I kidding. I'm reading it for the sex scenes.
The fact that I have read this book at 5 A.M. is funny to me. It's like, "rise and shine, time for some bondage!" or "rise and shine, I have a present for you! I'll give you a hint...it's a flogger."
The funny thing about "50 Shades of Grey" is that I really don't think that normal people can function on 3 hours of sleep each night combined with 15 hours (give or take) of sex. Shit does not add up. I'm all like, "guys, don't you want to take a short break for gatorade and oranges? (I mean, that's what I did at my soccer games...) maybe visit a church? Brush up on the Bible? Eat a full meal?" I mean, there are so many things that they have to do that doesn't involve being in the sack that I just don't see them doing enough of.
I guess in all reality, if this wasn't an absurd work of extreme fiction, these characters would be dead. Death by sex.
AND it's hilarious that Anastasia complains about this man! She has the hottest, richest, sweetest (in a way), caring (in a way), sex god of a boyfriend, and she's bitching about their relationship! She's constantly like "blah blah I'm not good enough for him wahhhh I can't be what he wants," and I'm like "BITCH this is your first boyfriend and he turns out to be a rich hot sex god, what the FUCK are you complaining about?!" That's like complaining about winning the goddamned LOTTERY. Gah, SOME PEOPLE!
I also was reading these books while watching Hannah Montana the other night. I was like "Is this an oxymoron? I'm pretty sure this is an oxymoron."
But anyway.
Funny story:
After an interview, I was walking out of it and was sweating like a fat kid on a treadmill. I was so nervous and the nervousness did not go away as I was driving away. So I decided, mainly since I was dressed so nice, I was like..."Since I look important, I'm going to take myself out for a beer."
"I'll look all sophisticated and shit."
So I sat down at the bar and got my beer. Then I decided, since I was dressed so well and looked important, I should start reading the New York Times. (I had the app on my phone). So I pulled it up and started reading. And for a moment, I felt like a grown up. And I smiled.
Then it hit me that "this is fucking BORING," and switched over to Facebook, where I filled myself with people making spelling and grammatical errors and complaining about how they ran out of cigarettes.
Which honestly makes me question people's minds. I was working with this boy the other night, and I don't hate him, don't get me wrong. He is a little asian boy and is definitely a nerd.
So he asks me what my degree was in. I tell him English with a writing concentration. He seems impressed. Then he asks me what books I like to read. I tell him "mostly fiction, I like the classics." He is silent for a little bit and asks me what I thought about The Lord of the Rings books. This is obviously very important to him (his pimply face and very obvious V-card still intact gave him away), so I tell him quite gently that I never read them and I have absolute no intention to. He is heart broken, so I start to tell him that I have TRIED to read them in the past, and couldn't go further than 5 pages because I honestly thought I was going to die of boredom.
It was hilarious how flabbergasted he was.
And I kid you not, this is what this little punk had the nerve to say to me:
"So, you're telling me, you were an English major...and you never read Lord of the Rings?" and he was LAUGHING like I was doing something terribly wrong and pity on me for being so stupid. And I'm over here like, since when was Lord of the Rings part of the curriculum? Oh, I'M sorry, I must have missed out on a bunch of short people with hairy feet who eat two of every meal and go to the ends of the earth to return a FUCKING ring while I was reading Jane Austen, Edgar Allan Poe, Toni Morrison, and William Faulkner.
Then he was talking about how excited he was that it was school vacation this week because him and his friends were going to have a Lord of the Rings marathon one night.
Then I walked away.
It reminds me of getting lunch with my mom last week. Everybody at the bar was talking about current events and stuff on the news, which I clearly know NOTHING about, and felt really bad for not being able to contribute anything to the discussion. "Hey, does anyone want to talk about the symbolism in 'The Fall of the House of Usher' by E.A. Poe? Does anyone want to talk about the Bronte sisters?"
If only these were the topics of discussion in shady towny bars. They should probably create a literary bar. Maybe I should be the one to open one...
You know what I love at the end of the day? A state of the art EXORCISM burp where it lasts at least 5 mississippi seconds, your lips jiggle, and you can taste every single thing you ate and drank that day. AND of course, sounds like you just exorcised a nasty bitch of a demon.
And before I go-lesson learned:
Never throw your beer caps around the house. You may be golden for a few days, but eventually your sister's puppy will find it (wherever the fuck it was), bring it out into the open, and show everyone
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