Paranormal Activity 3: This isn't funny anymore.

So yes, I went and saw Paranormal Activity 3. And yes, I drank a little bit beforehand. But it didn't work because I was still scared out of my mind. As you have already heard, it's about two little girls and a whole lotta issues.

Now, I agree that the first one was a tad bit scary. But honestly, for the most part, it's only doors opening and closing by themselves, shadows on the door, and big bangs all over the house. Don't get me wrong, these things can be scary. I just didn't really think so. The second one was a huge piece of crap. What did they make it in? Half a week? I honestly could have made a better one with my Panasonic camcorder. Screw it, I could have made a better one with glue and popsicle sticks. Pretty much all that happened in the second one was that the pool cleaner mysteriously kept coming out of the pool overnight. I mean whoa, talk about getting the "willies" as my mom would say.

So I honestly didn't think the third one would be all that scary. I had heard that the last 15 minutes will "mess you up for life" as the critics said, but still I didn't believe it. Boy was I wrong.

Not only are the last 15 minutes scary as Hell, but the whole movie really. It was slow starting like the previous ones, but even the little things that were happening were terrifying. It was like something was going on at all times, whether it was one of the little girls running around in the middle of the night, the blankets moving, or of course, when they play "bloody mary". Then you know, the more extreme stuff, like when everything in the room (including the girls) get swept across the floor in one direction. It's like wow, this demon LOVES dragging you guys everywhere. In EVERY movie, they get dragged! The demon's like a mother with her child in a grocery store. He's all like "THIS again? I said you couldn't get a candy bar! Oh you're going to cry? Let's GO!" Of course I guess it's more violent than that, but you get the picture.

Anyway, these are the two girls when they were kids. They both turn out to be creeps, but the one on the left is CLEARLY freaky looking. LOOK AT HER! She's all like, "Hi I'm friends with the demon, he tells me to do things and I do them." I mean honestly! If looks could kill, we would all be dead right now.

So as the movie is nearing its end, it's obviously getting rather frightening. You know, I wasn't closing my eyes, but I was doing the "spiderweb fingers" to make the screen smaller. People around us in the theater were legit SCREAMING. But anyway, I had an issue with the girls that I would like to discuss.

Okay, for those of you who are pussies and haven't seen any of the movies, the first one is about Katie. Second one is about her sister, Kristy. This one was about the both of them when they were kids. Get it? Okay. So here's my beef.

If this shit was happening when you guys were THIS young, and you had similar experiences throughout your childhood/adolescence, how do you guys have boyfriends/families? I mean seriously, if you knew that you had a demon following you, why would you drag (no pun intended) other people down with you? If I started living with my boyfriend and then all this shit started happening because he had a demon following him that he neglected to tell me about earlier, I would be PISSED. "You mean to tell me that THAT DOOR is MOVING SLIGHTLY because you brought a DEMON with you?!" I'm not saying that their lives should have ended because they had a demon following them since they were little girls, I'm just saying they needed to be put in some kind of institute. With padded walls. And muzzles. And a straitjacket.

Anyway, that's all I can really say without totally giving away the ending. But I've seen the whole "audience reaction" videos, and let me say, it's not that scary. I do not deal well with scary movies, don't get me wrong, but the people in these videos look like they are two seconds from death.

Girls, I understand. But some of the guys are like yelling and screaming, and I'm like "dude, it's okay to be scared, but screaming? Really?" It's like they are watching somebody with 10 inch fingernails scratch a blackboard. Like if these guys were on a date, forget getting any action because when you drop that girl off at home, she's not going to want ANYTHING to do with you because you were screaming louder than she was. Just sayin.

-Jenny

It's not her fault, she has sailboat pj's on.

So this weekend was the big wedding reception. And may I say, it was a good one. There was dancing, drinking (a lot of it), speeches, and of course, people thrown in the pool.

Let's start with the stories. Now, Schroeder and I prepared speeches to give at this reception. Like, we wrote something down from the depths of our hearts on a piece of paper. My cousin, on the other hand, did not prepare anything. I'm not saying that she's a deadbeat, I'm just saying that she was very ill prepared. So when everybody was eating, Schroeder and I gave her so much shit for not writing a speech, that she freaked out and decided to write one real quick. So, she started writing it on sticky notes. She said the sticky notes were all that she could find, and I guess I could have told her where some legit paper was (the party being at my own house and all), but I decided it would be way more fun to watch her struggle with about a million little sticky notes.

When somebody finally gave her an actual  piece of paper to write this jibberish on, she finished quite quickly. Then she kept saying that she was nervous and demanded me to get her a shot. First of all, why are you nervous? Half of these people are your family and/or you know them. Second of all, maybe you're nervous because you wrote this 10 minutes before we gave them? Third of all, you SHOULD be nervous because you looked for my DAD'S advice on what to say in your speech. Which, as everybody knows, is ill advised.

So they all came out good, got a few laughs where they were supposed to be (and some where they weren't supposed to be). After that was all done, we got into some comfy clothes and danced the night away.

Notice how Schroeder's dance movements do not match up with the song at all. I can't really talk, because people think I'm having a seizure when I bust out my dance moves.

However, when darkness fell and the party was still going strong, some interesting things happened. Some, I will not discuss. Schroeder, apparently was a little tipsy and fell. I did not see this unfortunately, but my sister Sally said that she saw him take his white shirt off, throw it on the ground, and "flip it off". Classic Schroeder. The next morning, this is how a conversation went between him and my mom, Woodstock.

Woodstock: Um, I found your shirt this morning OUTSIDE with a bunch of grass stains on it.
Schroeder: Yeah, that's because I fell.
Woodstock: You fell?!
Schroeder: Yeah, how else did you think it got grass stains on it?
Woodstock: Is that why you're so sore today?
Schroeder: No, I'm sore because I fell on the deck two hours later.

Another thing that happened was that all the boys went in the pool. Which I can't even stand to think about because A) It's October and it's night time and it's freakin cold. And B) THE POOL IS COLD. It was very funny to watch, until something very bad happened.

My now brother-in-law Franklin picked my cousin up and went to PRETEND throw her in, and as he was going to set her back down, my other cousin pushed her in. I felt so bad, but she wasn't too upset. She'd probably get mad at me for saying this, but maybe it was karma getting her for not writing a speech. OR maybe it's karma for when she unplugged MY iPod during an awesome song to plug hers in and play MILEY CYRUS. HAH. Anyway, it's times like these where I'm glad I have a pump attached to me. Although sometimes I don't think they care......

As if she hadn't done enough, she spilled her coffee all over me the next morning. Then I said, "I bet you're one of those people that when they're holding a drink and are asked what time it is, they look at their watch and spill it out". I was unaware that she was mid sip when I said this, needless to say she started laughing and proceeded to spit her coffee out at me.

Then I told her to get away from me. Haha. But really. I did.

-Jenny

Soap Operas: the guide to what you already know.

So I have nothing really to write about. So I figured I'd just talk about teen soap operas.

The only experience I really have with teen soap operas is The O.C. Which is a phenomenal show, and if you don't think so, you can get the hell out. I know it only lasted four seasons, but I own all four on DVD, and I was heartbroken when it ended. This show made me laugh, made me cry (a lot), but most of all, it made me wish I was part of their group. Which just hints at the fact that I may be looney toons.

During my years of watching The O.C., I've noticed many things. Not just about the show, but about all teen soap operas. Although I haven't really seen any other show, I've come to the conclusion that they're all the same. You know, they all have different story lines, but the same events happened. Such as One Tree Hill. Have I ever seen more than five minutes of any episode of One Tree Hill? Absolutely not. Do I think that the same shit happens in One Tree Hill as The O.C.? You bet your ass I do.

First things first...

1)There's always a goddamned gun. It seems throughout however many seasons there are of the show, every character has a gun at one point. Like, one just always seems to drop in their hands. "Oh which episode is this?" "Oh it's the one with the gun." Yeah, that narrows it down to about 100 different episodes it could be. Which leads right into my second point quite perfectly.

2) SOMEBODY ALWAYS GETS SHOT. But here's the thing. Once somebody gets shot in any teen soap, they DON'T die. They only get shot to make you THINK they are going to die. Then you wait until the next episode, and they're like, "Oh, I'm fine. Fooled you though, right?" Maybe if these crazy teenagers would pay attention to their schoolwork, they wouldn't always be shooting each other with guns that seem to fall from the sky.

3) The characters all sleep with each other at some point. They change partners more than they change their underwear. I don't know if they just get bored with each other, or the fact that every character on the show is incredibly hot that they can't help themselves. But it's like, you probably have diseases.

4) There will always be at least ONE pregnancy. It's just inevitable. I mean, it's kind of expected because of all the hooking up that's going on.

5) The characters have GOT to get some locks on their doors. Either that or people need to stop busting through doors like the place is on fire. If the house isn't yours, you shouldn't be busting through doors like that. And it's always the worst timing ever. "Oh! I realized that I love him/her! I'm NOT going to call them before I head over there and tell them!" And then they bust through their door and they are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS making out/having sexual intercourse with someone else. It's like, honestly, throw a lock on that door if you're going to do something that involves taking your clothes off.

Finally...

6) One of the main characters has to die. I'm not a fan of this particular element of teen soaps. I only say that because in The O.C., they killed off Marissa. Or Mischa Barton. Poor thing, she dies in The Sixth Sense too.

 When I saw the O.C. episode, I legit fell into a deep depression. I can't watch it to this day without crying my eyes out. Like I said, I've never seen any other of the teen soap operas, but I'm pretty sure all of them kill off a rather important character. At least one, if not more.

Nothing makes me sad like this does. STUPID TEEN SOAP OPERAS!


That photo of her in The Sixth Sense is actually really friggin scary. I'm going to delete it off my computer at once.

-Jenny.

Is there a back door to this place?! I don't like using the front door.

So. Twas the wedding this weekend. It was perfect and lovely. However, back at the bed and breakfast we had some difficulty. We lost the keys to our room and had to have the guy drive there and let us in, (to which we realized we had them the whole time), and also, got yelled at by the same guy because another renter said that we were being too loud. Now, I have somewhat of a problem with this.

1) My sister just got MARRIED. We're going to party it up and we're going to be loud. Maybe this person should have done a little dance and shimmied the gigantic stick up their ass out, or maybe should have just come out and had a drink with us.
2) It was 10:15 pm! Honestly, I know this person probably had dinner at 4:30 and took a nap right after, but 10:15 is not late at all. Not late enough to be complaining about.
3) TAKE YOUR HEARING AID OUT. Maybe that will help the noise go away you old piece of dust!

But of course that didn't ruin our night.

At the actual ceremony at the lighthouse, it was a very nice day. However, it was rather windy. I might even say...blustery. So at the end, when we were toasting champagne and taking pictures, the gusts were so big, they were pushing us and knocking us off balance. (I can only imagine how some of these pictures came out). So my poor little 9 year old cousin, who probably weighs as much as a jelly bean, almost actually blew over at some points. To which I did the only reasonable thing. I said, "I bet if you stuck out your arms at the next gust, you'd fly away!" and then I spread myself out saying "I'll catch you if you do!"

She laughed, but you could tell that she wished that we would just stop being related.

Anyway, on the way home, Lucy asked me what my favorite part of the weekend was. And of course, I said, the ceremony. But then after thinking, I had a second favorite part: Drinking out of a flask right after the ceremony on the way to the restaurant with Lucy and my cousin. We did this in the back seat of the car, having my father in the front seat and Sally in the passenger seat. This is funny because they never even realized and also because we never offered any to Sally, the bride.

This is how Lucy plans to dance at the reception this weekend.

Last night, I shared a room with Lucy, my cousin, and Schroeder in the Vineyard. There were only two beds. So, Lucy and my cousin made Schroeder and I share a bed. We've been friends since birth, so it seemed reasonable. But we have never slept in the same bed before, and I think this picture pretty much sums it up.

Now, there are many things wrong with this picture. I think the most noticeable thing is the fact that Schroeder looks like he just got bum raped. He looks extremely scared. Not a little scared, but like, "I see dead people" scared. Like Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense.

But yeah, we slept ass to ass all night, and he woke me up in the morning with a loud fart.

It was a lovely weekend, I loved every minute of it. Nobody blew off the cliff, everybody looked amazing, and Sally and Franklin are extremely happy.


And oh yeah, the cleaning lady saw my mother completely naked.

-Jenny.

A poem for you! It is called "You Remind Me Of Winter".

You remind me of winter

When everything made sense.

I liked it better then

Things didn’t melt then.

You remind me of winter

Where the silence of the snowfall was enough.

Drifting in the streetlight

Or resting lightly on your eyelashes

And we could make snowballs that were bigger than our hearts,

Because we didn’t know what our eyes were saying.

You remind me of winter

Where there were no birds,

But songs of fire, to help you sleep.

Because you weren’t. And I tried because I couldn’t

And never could.

You remind me of winter

The place that I can’t go back to.

-Jenny

"I want to swing off a rope into a lake at some point in my life. Yes, my bucket list is very pathetic."

There were a few things from the bachelorette weekend that I neglected to mention. I didn't want to write about them, but when Sally read the last post, she said "after that whole weekend, the WINE TASTING is the only thing you talked about?" So, I'll tell a few stories.

When we were out dancing, everybody had a blast. We made Sally go up on this balcony that they had, overlooking the entire club. Where everybody watches you as well. Lucy and I were just going to watch, but the bouncer with dreadlocks made us go up there too. The funny thing was, before you went up the ladder, he had us dance for him, to show him "what we got." I, of course, don't have SHIT when it comes to dancing. If dancing means looking like you have to pee/you have a spider on you/you just saw your parents having sex, then I rule at dancing. So when he was asking me to show him my dance moves, I made a joke of it and I went into what looked like a seizure. So then he starts saying "no, slower! slower!" which I did, but then was instantly ashamed of myself because I felt like a whore. And not like a high class whore. Like one of those bad whores. I mean, I still had my entire body covered with my jeans and my plaid shirt, but I still felt it. Sometimes you just can't cover those things up.

So I think after a few minutes he just gave up on me, so I climbed the ladder to join Lucy, Sally, and our cousin on the balcony. Not only did I continue to dance like my retarded self (I totally went against the bouncer's suggestions on slow dirty dancing), but now we were on display for everyone to see. I think a minute passed when Lucy and I decided to get down, so the bouncer was at the bottom of this five step latter type thing. I saw him help her down, holding her arm and stuff, but when I started to come down the ladder, for some reason, he totally just puts his arms under my armpits and carries me down. I don't really know why, because I was making it on my own just fine. I could understand if I was practically falling down the latter, but I wasn't. Maybe he was just trying to play "guess her weight." His answer was probably "a lot."

It's also funny because after we got down from the balcony, we watched as other girls went up there throughout the night. At one point, Lucy and I decided to be funny and yell back and forth to each other, "look at those sluts! What kind of girl goes up there to dance?!"

But this is all coming from the group of four girls who are touching each other's boobs on purpose. Like it was some sort of dance move.

It wasn't until we left the club and my cousin fell in the street that I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I feel like we are characters on the Jersey Shore." Which, for you folks that live in a cave, is NOT a good thing. It's actually quite a bad thing.

Anyway, moving on. Last night Schroeder and I went to Sally's apartment, drank her beer, made her watch Paranormal Activity 2, then left her there at around 10:30. By herself. Among her pleas for us to stay. I'm not saying we're assholes but...yeah.


-Jenny

You just ordered SQUID.

So we had Sally's bachelorette weekend in Newport. And it was very fun. One thing I'd like to discuss is something that happened during out wine tasting.

Now, for those that don't know me all that well, which is pretty much none of you, I'd like to put it on the record that I am a beer drinker. This is obvious. However, I do drink wine from time to time. Just white though. Red wine tastes like licking rubber.

So at this wine tasting, you were to choose five different wines that you wanted to taste. Easy enough. I found that on the table were oyster crackers and a big vase of water. The crackers were to try your wine with, and I wasn't really sure about the water. So the wine tasting goes on, and we are going onto our second glass of wine. So Lucy and Sally take the water container and pour a little bit into their glass. I, of course, follow suit, and say "oh, for cleansing the pallet, right?" to which they didn't really reply to. Maybe they thought I was kidding.

I obviously didn't see what they were doing, so I just poured some water into my glass, drank it, swished it around like Listerine, and dumped the rest of it out into the designated bucket. I saw nothing wrong with this.

As the tasting went on, I looked around. To my surprise, I saw everyone pouring water into their glass, swishing it around, and dumping it out into the designated bucket. I thought maybe that just that one couple that maybe felt like not drinking it, and so I looked to the next couple. To my dismay, they did the same thing. They weren't drinking the water at all! It was here that I put the puzzle pieces together. The water wasn't for cleaning your mouth, it was for cleaning the glass.

I am a beer drinker. I am not a wine expert. I have no idea what the Christ you do with the water at a wine tasting. Now I do. You do not drink it.

But anyways. We were driving down to Newport and I noticed a sign about littering. I see these all the time, but I never stopped to think about it. It says some shit like "Littering: fines $500-$2,000." I couldn't help but laugh out loud because I was trying to distinguish the difference between a $500 fine and a $2,000 fine. And I only came to this conclusion. If you throw a McDonald's cup out the window, you get fined a low amount. However, the day you throw a COUCH out the window, that's when you pay a couple G's. Although I have no idea who would throw a couch out the window. Maybe someone was like, "my cheating WHORE of a GIRLFRIEND cheated on me on THIS couch!" and then heaves it out the window while they're driving on the freeway. But then realizes shortly after, "aw damn. Now I've got nothing to sit on when I watch 'The Price is Right'". But by then the cops have already caught them and fined them $2,000.

Speaking of retards. I was at the mall in Taunton a few weeks ago (I know, big mistake) and I saw a group of four girls in the food court. And they were wearing onesies. All four of them. This brings up many questions on my part:

1) Excuse me, tweenies. Shouldn't you be in school!?
2) Why the CHRIST are you all wearing onesies? It's cute when you wear them to bed, but when you wear them to the mall, you're a DUMBASS.
3) Don't you guys know that spells "w-h-i-t-e-t-r-a-s-h"?
4) Do you really need onesies to eat lunch?
and finally...
5) Why the fuck are you looking at me and laughing? I'm not the one that is dressed in children's pajamas at the goddamned MALL.

I seriously don't know which one's worse, Taunton or Carver. They both involve people that look like they just came out of the sewers. Freakin Garbage Pail Kids.

Goodnight.
-Jenny