So it's been like a month. I had in my head a bunch of material I wanted to discuss here, but it just builds up over the weeks. So do I remember all of it? NO! But I'll just start to ramble and maybe everything will come back to me. (It won't.)
First things first. My sister.
You know, she's really not all that funny most of the time. (I'm not mean, she knows she's not funny.) But sometimes, she says something that is so funny it makes up for years of not being funny. And I mean YEARS.
So I wake up at 10 am the other morning (do NOT judge me.) and I have 3 text messages from just Sally. (Should I still call her Sally? I think I revealed her real name in a previous post? I think I'll still call her Sally...?)
Here is the first text: (word for word).
8:35 am
"What does it mean if your nose is running with yellow liquid boogs?"
I don't answer because I am sleeping.
"Is it brain matter you think"
I don't answer because I am sleeping.
Then she must have started to get worried about her boogs because this one came at...
8:49 am
"I think I might drop dead at any time."
So...when I wake up, I comfort her the only way a sister can. I simply tell her that I think it would only be brain matter if it was coming out of her ears as well. And that settled that.
I guess a lot of funny things have been happening to me lately, because the other day, I was at Cornerstones. And it was late at night, so there was barely anyone there. Because all the Carver townies get their drank on in the morning and/or during the day, so when it's 10-12 pm, nobody is out. So, the bartender was super nice, and she was trying to find something on the TV. She comes across Duck Dynasty and Twilight.
Now, I don't really know what Duck Dynasty is all about, but there are men with scary beards that wander around the woods in flannel shirts. I don't really trust them, just like I don't trust people that don't drink. So, of course this is the show that wins the decision.
After about 15 minutes, I thought I was using my inside voice when I said that "I hate this show," but apparently it was an Irish whisper because the very nice bartender was like "Oh! Put on Twilight! I love Twilight!" and hands me the clicker.
And because I'm such a nice person, I stated that "everyone would hate me here if I put on Twilight." (There was me, two friends, and about 2 other old men.) After I said that, the old man closest to me said something along the lines of "I love Twilight, but the books are so much better." To which I WHIP my head towards him and exclaim "...DID YOU READ THE BOOKS!?!" because OBVIOUSLY this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me, and he said "Of course, I'm a 'twi hard'". (He actually called himself that.) So then we got into a discussion about the big surprise that happens in the last movie that wasn't in the book, blah blah blah.
And then we talked about my number one problem with Twilight. Edward's ability to get an erection when he has no blood running through his veins.
Actually, that sounds really weird when I say that. It wasn't creepy, I swear. I was simply saying that to my friend, and the older man overheard me. So we asked his opinion. I forgot what he said, but it wasn't that funny anyway.
Anyway, after talking about how my best friend once bit a heineken cap off the bottle, someone told me "well, that's not impressive because they are twist offs..." which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, OKAY. Heineken caps are twist offs for maybe the HULK and BATMAN! Maybe it wouldn't have pissed me off so much if he wasn't pretending like he knew everything. So I stuck to my guns and assured this idiot that heineken caps are in fact NOT twist offs. If it's one thing I know, it's beer caps.
But not my dad, because he went up to someone on the beach and asked for a bottle opener to open his bud light.
.........
I can just imagine my dad. At the beach with a bunch of bud lights. Then he realizes that he doesn't have a bottle opener. So he wigs out and goes to the college kids next to him and says in a panicked voice, "Do you guys have a bottle opener? I can't open my beers" and the college kids just taking it from him, twisting the cap off, and giving it back.
I wonder what these kids thought of him. Maybe he would have seemed at least a LITTLE bit cooler if he wasn't wearing a neon yellow visor.
...And of course, if he knew that bud lights were twist offs. Jus sayin.
Heh, my phone rang this morning, and it "half woke" me up. I thought it was my alarm so I went to "swipe across" to shut it off, when in reality I "swiped across" to answer the phone. Haha, that must have been awkward for them. It was an unknown number too HA.
There was so much more that I had to discuss. But I just can't remember what they were. Other than the fact that I forced my sister into watching "Sinister" and she cried during one of the scary parts.
-Jenny.
