It's like, you never thought you'd have to tell someone to not pet someone's boots. You never think during your speeches of "don't talk to strangers" or "don't talk with your mouth full" that you'd have to also throw in "don't pet boots that look like animals."
Anyway.
What have I been up to? Well you know, we played 4 games of Clue last weekend. Now, here's something everyone should know. Sally has been cheating at Clue for the last 15 years or so. She calls it "strategy". I call it "fucking cheating". So anyway, she goes on, cheating her ass off, and I just play the game. I think I'm the only one that's too dumb to come up with a strategy of their own, so they just stupidly go on playing the game like a 9 year old would. But since everyone had their clever little strategies, I came up with my own.
When the part of the game where someone makes a guess and another player hands them a card that they had, I would just make a complete guess of what it was. I mean, it's a 1 out of 3....you know?
I know you're dying to know...did it work? No. Not once.
So Franklin made a guess, was wrong, then texted the answer to me. You should have seen Sally's face when she found out she lost. TO ME. Of all people. If you're losing ANY game to me, you should become instantly depressed. I mean like, can't-get-out-of-bed depressed.
Speaking of board games and me losing them, I recently played Rockstar Life with my 10 year old cousin. It's basically like regular LIFE, but all rockstar. Instead of a car, you have a van. Instead of getting kids, you get fans. Etc etc.
Now, I obviously lost. But I'll tell you, I landed on every single "Get a fan!" spot. And some of them were "Pick up two fans!" And I made every one of them boys, just because. So it got to a point where I had to leave one "fan" on the side of the road to possibly get mugged and raped because there was not enough room in my van. When I got my first "fan", I made him sit in the very back. You know, where boys belong...far away from me. Then, as they built up, they had filled my whole van.
So it kind of looked a little bit like this:
This is after I picked up the guy that had to be left on the road. We decided that it would be safer for him to ride in the trunk.
Some may call my little LIFE girl a "slut", but I digress.
I still don't know what digress means.
Anyway, on to other things. Such as having lunch at Cornerstones and having this weird man sit by me. (I know what you're saying..."A WEIRD guy? At CORNERSTONES?!" I know, I was surprised too.) He has this old school cell phone that he puts on the bar, which later rings. Very loudly. Like the entire place can hear it.
What's his ringtone?
Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night." I'm not fucking kidding.
So, I think this guy is going to be really embarrassed, like he would try to scramble for it, to shut it off. BUT NO! This guy took his time answering it, slowly picking it up, looking at who was calling, etc. It was to a point where I felt embarrassed FOR him. I was like DearJesusJustPickUpTheDamnPhoneBeforeYouReallyMakeAnAssOutOfYourself.
I almost picked it up for him, yelling in his face: "DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS MAKES YOU LOOK?!"
But anyway. Poor guy...?
Anyway, speaking of embarrassing. My best friend Schroeder had a few drinks, and whenever he drinks, he craves McDonalds. He always yells that he wants "SIX MCCHICKENS AND TWO NUMBER SIXES." After asking him at a later date what a number six was, he said it was just another chicken sandwich. "GIVE ME SIX OF THEM SHITTY ONES AND TWO OF THE REALLY GOOD ONES." he also says.
So we told him to call McDonalds to see if they possibly delivered. Which of course, he did. When this poor sixteen year old girl told him no, he responded with "Oh that's really unfortunate. Have a wonderful night."
I guess that's all I have to say for now, other than that if I had a penny for every time my shadow scared me this week, I could move to London.
That and, when Sally and I walked by this guy working under the hood of his car in the parking lot with his huge crack hanging out, Sally says "That was the biggest buttcrack I've ever seen! It was like a crater! How does he clean it?!"
How DOES he clean it? The world may never know. That is all.
-Jenny
