I just want to start out by saying...my mom was talking to me about standard cars. I was telling her I didn't see the point, having to do all this work while driving when you could just have an automatic that does all that for you. She went into the whole dinosaur ages and said "Blah blah blah, when I got my license these are all we had" and I'm sitting here like..."Hey mom. This is 2012, CARS PARK THEMSELVES NOW. So WHY are we going to shift gears manually?!"
But this is the same woman who was pulling weeds the other day and fell over when one of them came out. It was like a tug of war between mom and the weed. The weed won and left mom on her ass.
Okay so. I know it's been a while, but I've been preoccupied with the overnight sensation that they call "50 Shades of Grey." It's a trilogy, so it took me exactly 2 weeks to finish. I loved it, don't get me wrong, but it's the kind of love that you hate yourself for loving it so much. The only thing I could think of while trucking through these three books was, "This is a HELL of a lot like Twilight."
I guess I have to do this so I don't ruin anyone's day, but I'm clearly going to be talking about a book. So...*MINOR SPOILER ALERT*!
Now, I know that reading the Twilight series and the 40 Shades of Grey series in record timing is definitely NAHT something to be proud of. There was supposed to be a "but" here, but I have no "but." I'm just acknowledging my patheticness. That word has a red dotted line under it...but I'm TOTALLY calling bullshit.
So, these two series are completely different. But they have CRAZAY similarities. I will do you a favor and list them here in an organized fashion:
1) Same characters. Different names. It's basically about a very NEEDY young woman who has never had a boyfriend and somehow meets a God-like older Prince Charming overprotective man. The only difference between Edward Cullen and Christian Grey is that one is a vampire and one makes the girl call him "Sir." They both have a dark past that they don't really want to talk about, yet the girl is always consistent. The girls are so consistent, I often wonder why these men aren't gay yet. HE'LL TALK ABOUT HIS PAST WHEN HE IS GOOD AND READY! Edward has a dark past because he is a fucking vampire. Obviously, he has killed people, and lots of them. Christian has a dark past because he has gagged, flogged, tied up, whipped, and chained young women that look like his mom. Okay, kind of has an Oedipus Rex feel to it. But moving on. One has a "Red Room of Pain", and the other just has a red mouth.
2) Edward and Christian are both filthy stinkin rich. Edward is rich because he is 109 frickin years old. Christian is rich because he is a smooth operator.
3) Don't get me STARTED on the GIRLS. First of all, they are original. There is absolutely NOTHING special about them. Yet they have these God-like men falling for them and doing everything for them. Okay, let's come back to REALITY...how many nice girls are out there that have SHIT for boyfriends? Or how many fat girls are chomping at the bit for any old boy to LOOK at them!? But no, here's Bella and Anastasia, two completely MEDIOCRE girls, and look who they have for boyfriends. GOD. And they. are. so. needy! They meet a guy, who HAPPENS to be their FIRST BOYFRIEND mind you, and they are completely in love. They cannot be away from them for a nanosecond. Maybe I sound like a heartless bitch, but if you can't be away from your boyfriend/husband for a second, then you need to see a doctor and/or GET A GRIP ON LIFE.
4) Still on the subject of the girls...they are so HELPLESS! I actually feel bad for them!
5) Both get married quite young. Both get unexpected pregnancy. Clearly, one happened after a weekend of sex, the other happened after having sex 5 times a day for 4 months. Obviously one pregnancy is a lot worse, given the fact the baby is a vampire, but still.
6) Bella can never get Edward to have sex with her. Anastasia can't get away from sex with Christian to let her get out of bed to go to the bathroom/eat/shower/go to work/do anything. Honestly, it's like...."HOW CAN THIS GIRL WALK?" Or even FUNCTION.
7) The neediness. I can't take it.
8) Edward and Christian are so overbearingly controlling. If I had a boyfriend that controlling, I'd slap that kid around. No questions asked!
9) Both the men buy their spouses an expensive car. What the Christ is this all about? I had a 1995 Volvo 850 station wagon that LITERALLY shit the bed. And theses bitches get Audis?!
I enjoyed Fifty Shades. Don't get me wrong. But come on now, for a couple who has sex every day every ten minutes is NOT HEALTHY! That cannot be healthy for a HUMAN BEING. If two days have gone by and you've had sex TEN times in EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE there is some serious health risks. I'm actually CONCERNED for Anastastia's and Christian's health. I don't think that they should be ALIVE.
But hey, you're listening to me. The girl who got an unknown caller from Forks, Washington the other day and thought, "ZOHMYGOD, EDWARD CULLEN IS CALLING ME." I'm clearly not suitable for judging people.
-Jenny
